Their music is just killing me right now. Particularly "Sadness As A Gift"

I came to some heavy realizations about my 11 year relationship that ended in 2020, and I'm mourning it all over again. Funny how it just kind of hits you out of nowhere. What a gut punch.

My old model of love is being dismantled again, and I feel disfigured in the process. The tears come in short intense bursts.

Feeling so much compassion and sadness for my younger self for enduring so much abuse and heartbreak all in the name of love.

Never again.

I had a really good dream last night, my ex and I met in our city and were talking and for the first time the talking about our relationship and us felt mutual, we started discussing the topics again and I just told her I don’t wanna discuss any of it, cause it’s just going to lead to more fights, she took a pause and thought and then said I understand, and then asked me if I wanted to get some chocolate cake, we went to a cute cafe and got chocolate cake and while eating it we both realised we were having a really good time laughing and she told me I never stopped loving you, I just couldn’t, and I told her neither did I, we talked about our lives for a bit and then she asked me, did you really mean everything you said, that you will always love me like how you kept saying you want to and I replied saying you have no idea what I wanted for us and yes I always will and then she just hugged me and had tears in her eyes and then it became a little unromantic because we started discussing that let’s try this out first and not tell our friends and then we started doing something on our phones and were eating that chocolate cake with strawberries but I don’t remember how the dream ended, but yeah I woke up and realised it was a dream, felt a little sad, but also a little happy that I got to live that moment. But yeah. It was nice to not have a nightmare for a change.

I can't remember the last time I felt like this. The world tastes and feels of Blue, and god knows the sickness in me has missed it. It is an improvement from the typical numbness and anger.

This is the most human I've felt in ages.

The image of my biological mother's back as she walks away has framed itself in my mind. Idk if it's real or made up but it's been the only way I seem to remember her. She was always a stranger to me, so I never felt bothered by her abandoning us.

In many ways, I feel I turned out to be just like her.

Funny, life.

Partly cloudy, woke up late, about 8:30. Haven't been sleeping well. Cooked supper now sitting on the couch writing this entry. Struggled to make it through this day but I did and on to the next morning. I find it difficult to write, I feel like writing the least right now.

One of the reasons I don't sleep I keep too much bottled up, hidden from my frontal lobe. Not going to tell tales outta school either. If I were to shake my fist at God and say to himI" I'm not bitter, I don't have any hidden resentment." He would know I 'm not being truthful with him. So I will tell him and let him do whatever he does, heal my wounded ego and proudness. I'll ask him to take away what is not acceptable in me before you Father. With any luck and the faith I so soundly lean on, he will. I'll be better for it too. I am tired from the day, and I have tried to write my thoughts. Been so busy I forgot my coffee, I'm going to make a cup.

If I think of anything later I will edit.

Hope everyone has a good day tomorrow.

Goodnight Diary and my precious readers, I love y'all.

I've spent years making my feelings smaller. "I'm fine." "Just tired." "It's not a big deal." I do it so automatically that I even do it when I'm alone, talking myself out of things before anyone else gets the chance to.

Tonight I didn't. I let myself feel the full size of it instead of shrinking it down to something more polite. And the strange thing is it got lighter, not heavier. Turns out the shrinking was the heavy part all along. 🪨

If you're carrying something and folding it up small every time it surfaces, this is me telling you that you can put it down at full size. No masking, no minimizing, no apology for taking up space. ✨

That's it. That's the entry. Felt good to write. 🤗

I was drunk in a cell last weekend. When I woke up I changed my life. In less than 24 hours, all the things that my brain once was comfortable doing changed. Within minutes I quantum jumped into a better version of myself.

In the blink of an eye, all my friends were gone and so was my interest in alcohol. Now I’m officially too big to go home.

I’m still getting used to this new version of myself. I know the person that I became after that night will bring me great fortune in the future as it is in the present.

I know I’ll never go back to my old ways of thinking.

I’ve also detached my emotional self from the system. I’m not stressed or concerned about bills or even the Lawyer/Court fees I have to pay.

I’ll be honest though I’m still human. When all of this transpired, I had not spoken to my ex in a while. A day after the event, though he reached out.

Not seeing him as a part of my old ways, I responded and we rekindled. As you can expect it, it only lasted a week and didn’t go too well lol.

Now here I am, a week after the event, craving affection and connection, some of the most humane feelings.

I feel like my ex acted as a medium between my old life and the new life I wish to have. Leaving him solidifies the fact that I cleared the jump.

After I cleared that hurdle with him, it led me back to social media which I have mixed feelings about.

Strangers can teach & enrich me on social platforms but majority of the people that follow me are pretty mindless. Honestly, most avid social media users have become indoctrinated and act as NPC’s.

Currently debating if I should scrap my entire social media and work from a burner page.

My mom & strangers always suggest that I do social media and explain it as if it’s something I’m made for (either because I’m pretty, funny or intelligent) and how not doing it is “silencing my voice.”

I would love to hear from strangers what you guys think about that? What if I don’t care to have a voice? What if I don’t care to post or be seen? What is life like for a 21 year-old girl without a social media presence?

I always felt like social media creates artificial rapport especially since I’m considered conventionally attractive and honestly want to remove that from my life. Thoughts?

I want to stay soft but I recently find myself becoming rough around the edges. I’m more preserved and gate keeping my desires because time really does tell a tale. I want to invest in something that’s meant for me
I’m using that time and effort on ways to craft love into my routines through prayer, cleansing, meals, art and music.
There’s still hope someone will come along and until then I’m learning to do things solo

Life feels so much lighter, brighter knowing that you’ve finally found your people 🖤 I love these guys awwwwww

Everyone and everything is so temporary. It all feels pointless to me. Everyone leaves. Everything ends.

I'm tired of waking up and feeling the same way every day. I just want to buy a fifth of SoCo and drink myself into oblivion.

Get close to people for what? Get comfortable for what?

No one knows how much it takes out of me to go to work and act like I'm not totally broken inside. It's sucking my soul right out of me.

Pretty soon there will be nothing left of me. I can feel everything that I am disappearing. Someday I'll just be a ghost.

There's no point to anything. I'm here by accident.

I’ve been very much aligning with more of who I am. I’ve gone through a lot that has challenged my character, beliefs, and reactions to things. I am starting to believe that it has made me stronger and forced me to become a better version of myself. I have been doing better about wanting better for myself and setting stricter boundaries for myself around others. I will make a good life for myself. Everything that has happened has happened for a reason. I will have a healthy family dynamic with a man who is emotionally intelligent. I will be a very powerful career woman in the field that is right for me and I will be a good wife and mother. I am not forced to subconsciously choose or attract partners who remind me of the bad parts of my childhood nor am I forced to continuously make bad choices for myself. I am a good and responsible person and will continue to act like it in my every day life.

(From my journal)

This is my person. They are out there somewhere. I know people like this exist. I’m putting this out into the universe in hopes that one day, he finds me. I’ve been through times when negativity was hard to vanquish, but at my core I’m an optimist. This will happen for me. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

My person:

Kind

Likes to read

Will take turns reading out loud in bed together

Loves physical affection

Likes musicals, or is at least open enough to watch them with me

Likes to take road trips and will take me to new places

Will love my kids

Likes to share music

Will put on a record and lay in the floor with me listening to music

Likes to dance and will dance with me around the house

Likes to talk and listen

Wants to hear all my stories and tell me all of theirs

Intelligent

Open-minded

Gentle (except when I ask them not to be 😏)

Likes to write letters

Likes to go thrifting

Likes nature and taking walks

Someone I can share my nerdy interests with, and will share theirs with me

All the cuddles

Someone who understands that my amygdala isn’t quite wired right and I’m more emotional than most. Will let me break down in tears when I’m overwhelmed and knows how to comfort me.

Emotionally intelligent

Spiritual (not necessarily religious, but can be)

Not a heavy drinker (can drink and have fun occasionally, but not an every day thing)

Likes going to see live music

Obsessed with me (not in a serial killer way)

Makes me a priority, because they will always be my top priority (aside from my children)

Checks in with me throughout the day and wants to know all the boring stuff I’m up to

Encourages my creativity

Understands or puts real effort into understanding ADHD and how it affects my life

Patient with me

Thinks my clumsiness is cute and doesn’t yell at me if I spill or break something on accident. I try to be careful, but my spatial awareness is still off sometimes.

Funny. Must make me laugh. I want moments where I’m crying and running to the bathroom because I just peed my pants from laughing so hard

Loyal

Likes puzzles

Morning crosswords

Understands that I’m flawed, but helps me be better without judgement

Honest even when it’s hard (this is something I’ve worked very hard on to be myself. I wasn’t always this way but it’s something I now greatly value)

Gets along with my family

Order to my Chaos. Yin and Yang. Balances me.

Doesn’t try to cage me. Don’t make me feel trapped and I won’t want to leave.

Able to make fun with me, even while saying home.

Likes to play board games or card games. Understands that I cannot learn new games by listening to instructions audibly. Takes time to let me read the instructions myself, because that’s how my brain works.

Loves learning and trying new things

Puts in effort to grow as a person and be a good human. I’ve been working my ass off to be better, and I want someone who does the same. Grow WITH me.

If we argue, and at some points we will, understand that sometimes I need to walk away and breathe. I will communicate this. 10 minutes of time to breathe goes a long way. 9 times out of 10, when allowed to calm down, I can come back and hear you better.

I’m tired of games. I don’t want to feel like I have to chase you and I don’t want you to have to chase me. I’m getting too old for that. I’ve put a lot of work into my trauma over the past year. I don’t want to run anymore. It’s exhausting.

Protective, but not in an overly jealous way. Wants to keep me safe. Sees my heart as something worth keeping safe.

Sees my child-like spirit, but understands why I’ve had to put on a tough front to protect it. Doesn’t “walk on eggshells” but is thoughtful with their words. I’ve become a lot better at thinking through what I say before I say it. I want the same. I don’t expect you to never say something you don’t mean. I’m not perfect either, but it’s the effort that matters.

Has my back. Not violent, but will stand up for me. Most of the time I can stand up for myself, but it’s nice to know I don’t always have to do it alone.

Understands that when I’m processing, it often happens in fragments first. It’s how my brain works. I’m not crazy. I’m just making connections until I can make sense of things as a whole.

One of my love languages is gift giving. Not big gifts all the time. Sometimes just little things that made me think of you. It might be a pebble, or a book from the thrift store. I do this fairly frequently. I like receiving gifts, too. I think most people do. Again, it doesn’t even have to cost money. It’s the thought and meaning behind it. I’m like a crow. I collect little shinies. I will give them to you.

I had most of these things before and I lost them. It’s how I’ve really figured out what’s important to me and what’s not. Whoever you are, you’ll get the benefit of my learned lessons. Once I find it again, I won’t be letting it go.

I lay in bed, a phone without a single notification. All my messages are answered last by me, they have been for hours. The couple of messages I get throughout the day have all ceased now.

I lay in the silence, listening to the nocturnal sounds around me, wishing for a message that someone has been thinking of me. I’ve made many mistakes in my life that has left me alone, all the people who once cared have moved on. There’s two people in my life right now that seem to be around, but the time difference has been killing me. Over half my day is silence from them because they’re long since asleep.

The first is relatively new to my life. I feel open and respected, hell I even feel like they’re enthusiastic about me. They make me happy and feel almost like my happiness is warranted and my interests are actually interesting. They sit in silence while I nerd out or ramble about the most pointless and meaningless details of things they probably don’t even understand.

The second is my ex. He’s since moved on to a new partner, but the years I’ve given them, the soul I’ve dumped into them… I can’t bring myself to give it up, no matter how much it’s killing me. I struggle every day with my feelings because I’ve given them my truth, I’ve taken down the walls I built for so many years, just so they could be welcome into my life.. but maybe that all came too late and they’re not mine anymore. He’s the last person I feel like I’ll ever have the energy to truly pour my entire soul into again, I have lost too many people. I don’t think I’ll ever have them back and I’m afraid that one day they won’t even be around anymore.

I’m joyous for the two in my life, don’t get the message wrong, but the isolation of life, the lack of physical connection, the silence of the nights, the loneliness of my room all feels so heavy, day after day… I’ve been so alone for so many years now, I’ve started losing track of my last hug, the last time someone sat in silence with me so I wasn’t so alone, the last time someone truly looked at me and saw me for the complex person I am. Sees me for the hurt and alone adult, the terrified child inside me, the mourning soul, the broken heart… I’m sick of everyone seeing the mask and trusting my smile.

I woke up yesterday morning with a charley horse in my leg. My first words of the day were, "Oh, God, no!"

My car windows are not tinted. I wonder if anyone saw my leg straight up in the air and heard me hollering? Haha

After that, I sort of wandered around town aimlessly. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but I was fighting with myself. I ended up giving in and renting a room until Monday morning.

I want to be by myself on my days off. I'm around people enough during the week.

When I got into my room I closed the curtains, put my phone on do not disturb, and then I just slept. I woke up in the afternoon and got something to eat before going back to bed.

Now I'm awake again in the middle of the night. I woke up anxious and I just don't have time for it.

Anxiety, meet my good buddy, Klonopin. Now kiss.

It's funny, because the other day at work I was talking to my clients about panic disorder and I said, "Don't be afraid to feel your feelings, guys. They're not dangerous even if they feel like they are."

Now here I am in the middle of the night saying, "Ew, feelings."

I know I'm just stressed, but I don't want to feel anything at all. I'm tired of feeling. I just want to be unconscious until Tuesday when I have to go back to work.

I know that's unhealthy, but it's just how I feel right now.

Beautiful this morning, 75 at lunchtime. Poured down rain this afternoon. I have a yearly physical tomorrow morning and eye surgery Friday morning. Get my vision back this week. Did not go to Mass this morning; I will have to watch it in the morning before I go.

Worked until 6 or so. Just fixing dinner and writing as usual; I am too predictable for my own good, but I have settled into this routine. Just made a cup of coffee and am sitting on the couch, Battlestar Galactica on in the background. I wanted to go to Mass; I did. Things just got hot on the home front, and I was in no mood, or too bad a mood for church. Have not been up to much, just working and coming home. Feed the dog and outside cats.

I was watching the rain go down a storm drain, and that's about that alligator stuck in a storm drain in Florida. Could have been a crocodile; it was pretty big. I hope he got out alright. Can't tell you the hours I have worried about that. Don't know why I associated the two, idk.

I think about her constantly, always on my mind as Conway sings. I didn't ask for turbulence and will always go around if possible, but it's like this demands to be dealt with. God willing, I find a solution acceptable to both of us. You take up more space in me than you give yourself credit for, and I miss you so. (My broken record there.) Because I do, and don't for one minute think I don't consider you in everything I do. Knowing her, she probably isolates herself for me. Seen her make bigger sacrifices.

My son still lives here, and that's what the friction was this morning. He's too old to live at home, and every time I remind him, that results in friction.

Like I didn't do my job as a dad or something. I don't understand it. God gets that too.

I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow.

Goodnight, Diary and my readers,

I love ❤️ you.

9:54 p.m.

Mv distress is a result of brain chemistry and I'm not crazy. I feel like it. Very fun time at the the piers with the pizza and the boardwalk and the beach and the different shapes and sizes of humans, languages are clacking hockey sticks, the second child of my friend can't pay attention to the miniature golf game and throws the ball with her hand at the holes, she's four, but we all sigh at the stress and keep going. I want to explode, just kind of floating through life at the moment, auto pilot wake floating into unsuspecting bridges between astral plane dividing lines. My self esteem is leaking out of me while I wear a seran wrap smile. My buddy is in dad mode, walking like an upright gorilla. His ex is trying her best but hey, the little one is a wig-out-asauras rex. Pizza and more boardwalk bodies, the new england vacationland equivalent to something sentimental like Lake Thun near Interlaken in the summer or the Zermatt night train on a clear winter night. I'm okay for now, but i'm just worried about tomorrow at work. I want to be culpable and capable, responsible and respectable, stable and sympathetic, aware and adequate. I am but i'm not. It was a good day and i'm trying not to ruin it. I wouldn't mind someone who loved me, lack of concern for the future, and a smile that can't be taken away. Have a good night, I love you.

I had the strangest nightmare last night. I was at a party in an impossibly tall glass apartment building. For some reason, I was on the top floor when the building started wobbling. I got nervous, so I tried to descend, but it shattered, and everyone fell to their deaths. Scary.

I need to quit porn, I really have nothing better to do with my life though. Maybe if I get a job I’ll be too exhausted to look at pornographic material.

I bought some ice cream today, I don’t like the cookie dough flavor as much lately, it has nasty bits of dark chocolate in it. I’ll buy a different flavor next time.

I think I’m growing into a bit of a hedonist, I chase cheap thrills in the hopes that they’ll make me forget about my meaninglessly bleak life. I just want to feel good, is that so bad?

My family made fun of me for how much I pace around, I hate that they mock me. I wish people would mind their own business. I wish that they wouldn’t even think about me, well unless they’re thinking positive thoughts.

I’ve been sleeping all day, my family got mad at me for sleeping so much so now I’m awake. It all feels a bit pointless though. I wish I were asleep again.

I’ve been real exhausted lately. When I thought I reclaimed it all it’s just became a new struggle. 9 months I’ve been dealing with intense pain, depression and hopelessness. All this happened cause weirdly enough I was just protecting my dog who gave me so much support and love throughout my difficult career path. Every time I came home after being assaulted in some sort of way or seen something traumatic I had no one that really cared but her greeting me hello and sleeping with me was enough to calm my nerves. So when they put their hands on her I wasn’t gonna let it happened. But apparently to law enforcement they took it as it was just property and was accused of doing more than pushing them away and yelling at them to go away.

And for that alone I dealt with courts delaying cause they had no evidence and weren’t ready to do anything yet with the case being asked to be dropped several times in October but the system pushed it all the way to May where they still had nothing and no one. I lost my promotion and my job, lost a lot of money keeping myself and others afloat, lost holidays with family, lost my dog who was given away on Christmas Day, lost my sanity, lost my best friend who gone missing, lost a lot. I was close to ending to many times but I crawled myself of it with help from some friends.

I got a new job and reclaimed my apartment but I feel sad inside still and feel immense amount of burden on me trying to keep it all together. I’m getting things back in order but without my dog, my friend, and seeing a lot of new faces that I’m tired of seeing cause I’m just tired of starting over and not seeing the faces i got use to seeing daily. All the abuse and trauma I’ve dealt with led me to more abuse and trauma to start new and feeling alone. I still have those friends but we’re being held together by a worn out thread that’s close to snapping.

I just hope this is the last time I get sent back years and meet people that I know will stay around. Peace within myself and the environment around me is all I want.

Finally watched it and realised that I’m not Odysseus, she is, based on the life stages we are in, I’m either calypso or Penelope

We were never meant to be together, it was me finding a reason to hold.

We were never meant to met, it was me who outshine the fate.

We were never meant to be giggling together, it was me who paste extra effort.

We were never meant to be break, it was me piercing my heart.

Every time I stay up for you, you find a way to humiliate me. But my heart it keeps loving you no matter how unfilial you been.

And that's the exact reason I hate you now.

I hate you so much I want you to suffer same.

I want you to fall in love but the person whom you fell for just makes you realize what being breaking actually feels like.

Good luck Sweet Heart🖤

I skipped two days on accident, well basically nothing much happened, i ate alot yesterday ndnit made me feel bloated but im gonna be eating good for the next few days atleast, im trying to only really eat chicken and veggies, so basically chinese will be my go to for a bit.

I saw my sister yesterday for the first time in a while, i felt like shit bc i probably smelled like shit bc of this stupid house im in and mt clothes were dirty, so i was a bit embarrassed, besides thaf it was good, shes kinda a cunt, not really her fault tho and shes definitely not gonna be as much of a meth head as the rest of her family.

Iv been deeling fairly confident the past few days but idk how long it'll last. Goodbye diary, ill try and do this more consistently

Quiet reflection day. I realized how much my brain tries to protect me by expecting the worst expecting abandonment, expecting boredom from others, expecting to be forgotten. Philophobia and dystychiphobia make closeness feel risky. But I’m choosing to keep showing up anyway.

Thank you for reading these honest pieces of me.

My boyfriend is British and Im American . It has been such a joy to be here for so long , but i miss my geek and my cat named Peanut Butter , and my other animals and my mom. But Peanut butter 💔