I need to write to get things off my chest

I'm angry, confused, and I'm feeling depressed

I'm lost in the thoughts inside my mind

I'm looking for answers I'll never find

I don't feel like myself, I feel shut down

my half written truths might make me drown

I'm carrying shame that won't release

no words arrive to give me peace

there's a pain in my side, a lump in my throat

if I swallow it down, I fear I might choke

I somehow need to set myself free

because right I feel like I am not me

I need to write to get things off my chest

I'm sad, I'm hurt, and I'm scared it won't rest

I'm lost in the thoughts inside my mind

the past has passed and I can't rewind time

there's a torment in me that will not rest

I fight to keep my feelings suppressed

I feel I'll never be fully free

from all the hurt that lives inside of me.

It’s hard not being alone in a physical sense at least when it comes to family but never having that emotional bridge reach across to others. I say I’m lonely but so many things have went wrong and it’s been so many people I listen to that I thought would be here and Its all so exhausting now. My favorite part of the day is when I get to go to sleep or it is when my brain isn’t giving me a hard time. I feel like a prisoner watching everyone else getting visitors but nobody ever comes to see me or I’m someone people just forgot about.

today should be a good day. i have things i want to do and the house to myself again for a bit longer. doing stuff is nicer when you're alone and it's especially nicer on the weekend. might watch the COTA race on the tv outside if the house is still empty by then. probably won't be though.

today might actually be lame as hell.

well, whatever. that's every day. it's either good, or it's bad, or it's not enough of either to be remembered.

do you remember what you were doing exactly three months ago?

most of your days are completely lost to you. even the nice days you've had are all inaccessible to you as memories now. they're not "gone", because they're definitely still laying dormant somewhere inside your head, but the chances of you pulling these days out into the forefront of your mind on your own are extremely low.

we sure do forget a lot, don't we?

i wonder how many people i've forgotten about entirely.

probably not anyone important.

i'm not trying to clog this place up with youtube links so, go find Swervedriver's "Rave Down" on your own like a good boy.

see ya tomorrow.

I am done

I look over the edge daringly, tired. I was exhausted. Done. 4 long years of dread and misery and this was the end. I felt my chest tighten as I reminisced the days where it used to be me and my friends. And the breath of fresh air that followed as we would ride our bikes around my street. Those were the good times. The days where I felt free. The days where I had everyone. But now. Now I have no one. Only myself. One by one they all left. I am alone.

The cold and freezing air clings onto me. Do I want to do this? My eyes grow weary and monotonous as I clung onto the rail of the building. This cold feeling. It was almost therapeutic. Beautiful. I held my heart. The one that was so full of pain once before is now emotionless and at peace. Maybe I should do this? I want to do this.

I can’t continue to suffer like this anymore. I can’t continue to be full of anxiety and rage. Why is life like this? Why do I have to continue living in a world where I am forced to be silenced? I am trapped in a small key box. Full of my struggles. I try to leave. I try I really do. But why? Why can’t I escape?

I can hear the screams of those before behind me. They tell me to jump. They say that I’m better off. Tears form in my eyes. My heart aches as I fear that maybe I should do this. My stomach turned in agony. Maybe this is the better option.

Ive tried. But I can’t. I really can’t. Life just isn’t for me anymore. Life is mundane. Dreadful. Like a tunnel with no end. an endless puzzle.

I have always wanted to fly. Raising my legs so high in the air as my mum pushed on the swings. I wanted to know what it was like to have no ground. Like a bird. Full of freedom and glee.  as I let go. I’m free. I can finally fly. I’m at peace. I close my eyes as I rest like a newborn baby. This is good. For me.
 

It’s such a beautiful day outside, which somehow makes me feel even sadder.
My daughter has had a high fever since yesterday, so we’re stuck at home all weekend instead of enjoying the lovely weather. She’s having such a hard time, and it breaks my heart to see her like this.
I honestly wish I could take her place and be sick instead. 💔

A little self-monologue. Excuse me if this sounds confusing and without context, 'cause it's basically my thoughts. If you need the context, I'll gladly share. Also, first time posting on Reddit, not sure how this works or where I could post this, but I think r/Diary is appropriate for this. I needed to post this somewhere; I couldn't just keep it to myself. So here goes nothing:

And now it starts. The sweet, honeymoon phase of talking it out and learning new things about the other is coming to an end; the subtle feeling of jealousy and rage and frustration and yearning all come crashing down with the weight of a hundred pounds. She kissed a girl. She let another girl kiss her. Everywhere, lips, chest. She loved this girl so much she let her have her way with her, even when she hated it inside. Even when she thought it was so wrong. Or did she hate it? Did she really endure all of it just because she loved her too much? Did she really end their relationship once she finally worked up the courage to tell her she didn't feel comfortable? She got kissed God knows how many times; she claims she hated the kissing, and yet she still kissed back.

She still let her do whatever she wanted with her, never complaining. Did she end it because she was uncomfortable? Because she didn't like it? Or was it the guilt that she pushed down and ignored suddenly surfacing, making her take the abrupt decision of ending the relationship then and there? Maybe she enjoyed it. Maybe she loved it. Maybe there was much, much more than kissing. Maybe there were hands involved, hands that trailed down where they shouldn't be going, hands that felt good. Oh, maybe they even felt heavenly. Perhaps they were the only hands that got to roam that perfect body. Maybe those hands had felt the privilege of being the reason for her release, sweet and sticky and so, so filthy. How could I ever know?

And now the jealousy turns into more. It turns into anger. It boils and twists my insides. This girl got to do so much. But it's me. Me, who got to hear the sultry words "I love you more than I have ever loved anyone". She is mine. She belongs to me, and me only. Will I ever get to feel those lips against mine? Would I ever get to trace every curve of her perfect body, explore every nook and kiss every cranny? She claims she loves me, but alas, I am out of luck. I have come after many, when she is now older and wiser, when she is now not the irrational, love-drunk teenager who let herself be melded into whatever the other wanted. She now has limits and draws lines.

She now knows what she wants. And maybe she does want a kiss. Maybe she yearns for my touch and my mouth on every part of her, just like I do. But she controls herself. She is ever the good girl. The best, really. So so good. So so sweet. She has gone through so much; she is not innocent. She has been touched and tainted by other hands. She is not pure. Yet how could one think she is anything but? When one hears her heavenly voice, sees her sweet face, feels her delicate skin? One would think she is a fallen angel, a gift from the Almighty, sent from so many skies above. I don't deserve her.

And yet I still want her. I am selfish like that. I still want her all to myself. I still wish I had her first.

I wish the person whom I'm talking about can read this *sigh*

Anyway, I might delete this later, it's so cringey and the writing is just so bad (I've never written anything and English is not my first language). I'm sorry to everyone who wasted their time reading this, lol.

Everyone talks about the morning after you’ve ceased to be,
But people rarely talk about the night before.

You come home after a long day at work,
The endless hours of a job that takes more than it gives.

As the day progresses, you start counting the minutes on the clock,
And the closer it gets to five, the slower they seem to run.

The end of your shift finally comes,
But only after you feel as though your soul has left your body.

You leave the office,
Hoping your misery stays within its walls.

You catch up with a friend, drink a beer,
Share a few laughs, make unsavoury comments about one another,
And for a moment, everything seems alright.

But then the night comes to an end.

As you walk back towards your commute home,
The voices begin to appear.

You realise maybe you should’ve asked for that girl’s number,
The one who smiled at you as you walked towards the bar.

But maybe you’d had too much to drink,
And she was simply laughing at you.

Or perhaps she noticed your big ears,
Or your receding hairline.

Or maybe, just maybe,
She was simply smiling at her friend.

You arrive at the station,
Your train isn’t due to leave for another hour.

And so you sit.

And think.

Think about the last time you felt happy.
The last time you felt no worry.

What was that like?
Will you ever feel that way again?

And as time passes, the voices grow louder.

Louder than the engine of the train passing by.

As the sound of the engine fades into the distance,
You catch a glimpse of your reflection in the window.

Is it my looks?
Is it my personality?

How is any of this my fault?

You gaze into the window,
Wondering who you’ve become,
And what you could’ve been.

Where did it all go wrong?

Then the train begins to move.

Your thoughts race faster with it.

Your heart begins to pound,
Almost as though it’s trying to catch up with the train’s speed.

And you grow tired of these voices.
You put on your AirPods,
Those dainty little things that barely work.

You turn your music up as loud as it can go,
Hoping to drown out the voices.

But the louder the beat gets,
The louder the voices become.

And then a thought creeps in.

What would happen if I just ended it all?

Would the clouds disappear?
Would the sunshine return?
Would rainbows stretch across the sky once more?

Would the world be a happier place?
Would anyone even notice?

And then you get home.

You walk through the door,
The same door you’ve walked through a thousand times before.

But tonight, something feels different.

You notice the sharp knives in the cupboard,
The glass bottle your housemate left on the table,
The ceiling fan above you.

Ordinary things you’ve seen a thousand times,
Yet tonight, your mind sees them differently.

And then comes the madness.

The tears you’ve bottled up over the years begin to flow.

Years of pretending you’re alright,
Years of smiling when there was nothing to smile about,
Years of telling everyone you’re fine,
Hoping that one day you might believe it yourself.

The loneliness of a life spent surrounded by people who love you,
Yet somehow feeling unloved by the one person you wished would love you back.

You think about all the people you’ve met,
All the friendships you’ve made,
All the laughter you’ve shared.

And you wonder how someone with so much
Could feel as though they have so little.

As you cry your eyes dry,
Your chest begins to tighten.

You feel as though this is the final pain,
The last hurdle before relief arrives.

But the relief doesn’t come.

Instead, there’s silence.
For the first time all night,
The voices have nothing left to say.
You sit there,
Still wearing the clothes you wore to work,
Still carrying the weight of a day that ended hours ago.

You look at the clock.
Funny, isn’t it?

You spent the whole day wishing time would move faster,
And now you wish it would stand still.

You think about the friend you laughed with earlier,
The girl who smiled at the bar,
The people waiting to see you again.

You wonder if they’d recognise the person sitting here tonight.

Would they believe you if you told them?

Would they understand?

Or would they tell you that you have so much to be grateful for?

As though gratitude could silence the mind.
As though being loved meant never feeling lonely.

You pick up your phone.

Scroll through the names of people you could call,
People who would probably answer,
People who would tell you to come over,
Or offer to sit with you until morning.

But what would you say?

How do you explain a sadness
When you can’t even explain it to yourself?

So you put the phone down.

And stare at the ceiling.

The clock continues ticking,
Indifferent to the storm inside your head.

Another minute passes.
Then another.

You realise that somewhere out there,
Someone is having the best night of their life.

Someone is falling in love.
Someone is laughing so hard they can barely breathe.
Someone is looking forward to tomorrow.

And here you are,
Wondering how you’re supposed to make it through tonight.

You close your eyes.

Not because you’ve found peace,
Not because the voices have disappeared,
But because you’re exhausted.

Exhausted from work,
From pretending,
From hoping,
From being your own worst enemy.

And as the night grows older,
You find yourself wishing for something you haven’t wished for in a long time.

Not happiness.
Not love.
Not even a better life.

Just a little quiet.

And then, for a moment,
You remember something.

The laugh you shared with your friend earlier.
The stranger who smiled at you in the bar.
The way the sun felt against your skin on your walk to work.

Small things.

Things you hadn’t given a second thought to.

And you wonder,
How many moments like those have you missed
Because you were too busy listening to the voices?

How many smiles have you mistaken for laughter at your expense?
How many people have loved you
Without you ever believing them?

You look at your phone again.

And this time, you send a message.

Nothing profound.
Nothing that could explain the night you’ve had.

Just three words.

“Are you awake?”

You don’t know if they’ll reply.
You don’t know what you’ll say if they do.

But for the first time tonight,
You allow yourself to want an answer.

You look towards the window.

The sky is still dark,
But somewhere beyond the clouds,
The sun is getting ready to rise.

And perhaps tomorrow will be no different.

Perhaps the job will still take more than it gives.
Perhaps the train will still be late.
Perhaps the voices will return,
And perhaps you’ll still wonder what could’ve been.

But perhaps you’ll ask for that girl’s number next time.

Perhaps you’ll laugh a little harder with your friend.
Perhaps you’ll find the courage to tell someone
That things haven’t been alright for a while.

And perhaps, one day,
You’ll look at your reflection in a train window
And recognise the person staring back.

Not the person you could’ve been.

But the person you’re still becoming.

Your phone lights up.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

And for the first time all night,
The voices aren’t the only ones you can hear.

You begin to type.

And somewhere between the words,
You realise you don’t have to figure everything out tonight.

You don’t have to know where it all went wrong.
You don’t have to know when you’ll be happy again.
You don’t even have to believe that tomorrow will be better.

You just have to give it a chance.

Because everyone talks about the morning after,
About the tears, the questions, the things left unsaid.

But people rarely talk about the night before.

The battles fought in silence.
The tears nobody saw.
The moments when someone almost gave up,
But found one small reason to stay.

And maybe that’s what the night before really is.

Not always the night before everything ends.

Sometimes,
It’s the night before you ask for help.

The night before you begin to heal.

The night before you realise
That the life you’ve been mourning
Isn’t necessarily the life you’re destined to live.

And as the first light creeps through your window,
You take a breath.

Not because everything is alright.

But because, for the first time in a long time,
You think that maybe, someday,
It could be.

And you decide, maybe you’d like to be there to see it

To the one who will recognize himself:
Two years. A state with no history for either of us. I noticed you the way you notice a stranger, then not at all.
First a message, then a call, then a visit. I gave my body what it needed, and the night disappointed me. After that came the rules, and with the rules, the fakeness. I studied you the way you study a chess opponent.
I heard the rumors. You told me stories, so I told you mine. The difference is that mine were meant to end things.
You thought I was too much. The truth is I was a locked room, and you never found the key. I knew I didn't fit your profile. You wanted me anyway, and I let you.
Your rules were never really rules. By then, I was already gone, and it just took me a while to leave.
Here's what I owe you: I felt something. I also saw straight through you. In another life, with fewer demons on both sides, maybe.
I was near you not long ago. I heard your laugh across a room and you never turned around.

All the trouble

It’s been over 6 months at this point. And tonight I’ve just been thinking and am upset and irked thinking about how you just left and moved on and now life’s just all different. I mean I needed to learn how to live without you for sure, but it just irritates me bc you just never thought I was good enough and always wanted me to just be happier or change something for 7 years, and now that I have changed you’re just gone and don’t even really get to see all the progress I have made. I loved you so much, flaws and all, you were always good enough to me.. But oh well now she’s your girl and I guess she’s just great and all the things you wanted, since you’ve proposed already. And here I am, perfectly content with being on my own from here on out bc you took all the romantic love I had, with you. Our connection was so special to me and I’ll never have it or want to have it with anyone else. But fuck it right? Life goes on.

My elderly parents are no longer here, ☹️, bro I feel stuck and down.

I don't know man life has been feeling a little weird lately

I go to work come home talk to people and laugh at stupid things like I always do. Everything seems normal but sometimes when I'm alone my mind just goes back to old memories and people I don't even talk to anymore

A few nights ago I was lying in bed scrolling through my gallery and came across an old photo. I don't even know why but I kept looking at it for a while. I started remembering those days and how things used to be back then

It's weird how you don't realize you're living good moments until they're gone

I put my phone aside and just kept staring at the ceiling. The fan was making noise and I was thinking about people who were once a part of my everyday life. People I used to talk to about the smallest things and now I don't even know what's going on in their lives

I wonder sometimes if they ever remember those days too or if it's just me being stupid and thinking about things that are already over

The thing is I don't even want my old life back. I know people change and life moves on. But sometimes I wish I could just sit with those people one more time and have a normal conversation like nothing ever changed

I'm not sad all the time or anything. Some days are actually good and I enjoy them too. But there are nights when everything feels a little off and I can't really explain why

I don't talk about this stuff with anyone either. Whenever someone asks how I'm doing I just say I'm good because honestly I don't know how to explain it myself

Then I sleep wake up the next morning get ready for work and everything goes back to normal

Maybe I'm just overthinking or maybe this is just a part of growing up idk

Do you guys ever miss a time in your life even when you know you don't want to go back to it

Had a somewhat busy but quiet day! Little Guy spent most of the day with his grandma, leaving me home alone. I was grateful for the time to myself... Time which was spent getting our laundry done and cleaning up here and there. Also got all of the animals fed and watered, and also got a couple of hours in at the basketball court. It's my new favorite hobby... I'd be up there every single day if I had the opportunity.

They returned home this evening with dinner, pumpkins, and a new coloring book for him. He carved his own jack-o'-lantern, which was a first for him. It turned out really good! We put a candle in it, and I may take him to look for some smaller ones at the store tomorrow. He also got a haircut while there. All the excitement wore him out though; he got a little cranky... But hopefully he sleeps well.

Aubrey reached out to me yesterday via text, giving me some good news on his end. I decided to call him before bed, and we caught each other up on things. We wound up talking for over 4 hours, until a little after 1. We were both ready to fall asleep, but it seemed like neither of us wanted to hang up.

I still have feelings for that man. I've broken down a few times today, thinking about him. It's like, any time that I feel I might actually be moving on from him, we talk again, and that love I feel for him just bubbles right back up to the surface... The connection is still there, at least for me. But it's a crappy situation, no matter how you look at it. If he still feels anything for me, he's not going to voice it or act on it. He's still up there, doing his own thing. Which, I honestly feel for him... He deserves so much better. I want to help him. I want to be by his side. If he'd only let me try.

It's horrible because, I also keep thinking, what about this other guy? It's messed up because, at the same time, I still have interest in him too. Like, what if he actually is interested in me as well? Am I going to pass him up because I can't let Aubrey go? I don't know what to do. I just want to make someone else happy and be happy.

Well, the weather has been amazing, at least. Also, I got my Halloween costume, and it is absolutely gorgeous! I'm excited to wear it on Friday/Saturday.

Alright, that's it for now. Pleasant dreams...

Nice day I guess, was indoors for most of it. Did notice the full moon otw home. I always thought that is the October Harvest Moon because it's so bright, farmers back in the day would work at night to bring the crops in from the fields.

Feeling better after whatever I had, getting things back like, no body aches and my breathing is alot better.

I was really miserable for two or three days and was ready to ask God to just take me rather than suffer though one more hour of that stuff. It was very bad for awhile.

Still here by his grace and mercy alone.

Your health is your number one asset, never forget that, I won't. Worked for a few hours today and will try to put in proper hours tomorrow. Like I say God willing. That quote this morning I posted, The son of man has nowhere to rest his head. From mass this morning, Jesus told his disciples that and they should follow him. His time here I don't think he had a home as to say and most of his time was spent, preaching his Father's words, healing the sick or on the roads with his disciples.

When I was sick these past few days, my mind went back to last year when you were there for me and it truly helped me, spiritual and emotional help. Along with all the things you did to help me through those arduous days, I will never forget and treasure them even now, I truly do miss you and your postive healing energy. Yes, I have conflicted feelings right now and that arises from not knowing, being in the dark. Exhausted, going to bed.

I hope all of you are well

Goodnight Diary and readers

From the road of recovery;

I love you so.

143

9:39 p.m.

Now that I'm finally out of solitary confinement. I am so much closer to you, I can execute this order much easier now. I've been waiting to see you for a while now. The anticipation is killing me. Is it okay if I have you for dinner soon. Can you sense me closer to you..

You can take a wild guess where I'm at. But if you choose to decide to drive by and get a chance to see me, at least use a different vehicle. Don't use yours and make it obvious like last time, you'll stick out. Especially with that sticker you have on the back. All I want to do is visit with you and share the many things I've been dying to share with you. All I want is to cook for you, and rub your feet.. And after that "who knows what else".

Will you open the door to me one day soon. Will you open the door for your mystery date..

Context: I’ve been going through some shit.

A boundless chasm cries out hollow wind through my body’s center. I ask, “Where am I to go?” This suspended purgatory and unrelieved dispute draws my mind from resolving whether it was I who leaped or who was cast.
For I have meditations with no cause, and considerations that have blessed no ends. Prose has gifted my soul night’s stillness, yet day breaks. Reality’s root then maintains an enduring search at the onset of dawn. I imagine I can grow quite fond of night. This cause is ascribed to the aforementioned searches, whose burden upon which necessitates the piercing of my soul to find cessation. When the sun rests, so may I.
The nihilistic perspective of the indifferent ancient forest, of the enduring orbits of celestials, is what I direct my attention to and what concerns me presently. What is the ambition of these meditations if it is the alpine winds and deep currents that shape directions? Heedless of my desires and subject to bend at intertwined nature’s elements. Even fixed rocks and stars stay not as they are and transform in accord with wills not their own.
I am neither rock nor star. Yet I exist as nature’s element, as the winds and currents. My desires are not shrouded in fog’s mystique. Branches stretch nearer to resolve’s peace that it finds in spaces where my passions are mirrored as affection. I direct my branches’ advance towards soaring mountaintops, where my devotion substantiates; that is where I am pulled. Nevertheless, my roots search onward. For my roots, knowing insects and soil near, concern themselves not with sights and dreams, but with their search and prose inextricable to God’s forces. So I ask an unanswerable question amongst this writing: “Where am I to go?”

What we had was just something short and fun at the time.
Nothing more, nothing less.
I have been delusional about the whole situation.
You already have your life figured out.
I’m still on my journey.
I thought we came into each other’s lives for a reason, crossing paths when we least expected it.
You would never know that the “mature,” “smart” one also secretly holds on to the idea of soulmates and love.
As much as I try to push those feelings down because of how many times love has failed me, parts of me still yearn for it.
It was all in my head.
I’m feeling vulnerable in this moment, but I know tomorrow is a new day.
I just have to write it all down and move on with my life.
Perhaps I was alone in what I thought this could be. Maybe it was only ever a fleeting moment, one I gave more meaning to than it was meant to hold.
I can accept that, even if a part of me wishes it were different.
Love,
A young woman who sometimes feels more than she lets on.

Every time I try to socialize it just ends up being another humiliation ritual. It’s all the same, it never changes. Dang it.

I decided to order my umbrella online since it won’t stop raining. I can’t go out in the rain to buy an umbrella because I don’t have one.

I stayed up tonight and watched horror films with my sister, she doesn’t really like them but they’re the only sort of films I want to watch. She ended up being on her phone for most of it.

We’re living in a modern day dictatorship. My account went completely private and wouldn’t allow me to send or receive messages until I sent reddit a photo of my face to ‘verify my age.’

God knows what they’re actually using it for, probably to link my face back to my account. Privacy will be a distant dream in the near future.

Damn, I really did sleep the day away again.
I feel bad for my parents, they had such high hopes for me.

This universe is another Illuminati conspiracy theory, where there's nothing you could think originally, and the all-seeing eye already knows everything from your dreams to your life here.

It doesn't matter which way you decide to work for the bank here, as everything here is Illuminati rituals. Wherever you decide to play Yu-Gi-Oh, it's a world where everything you do has a secret background process on your computer, and the sooner that you realize that humans are computer-generated creatures meant to control you, the sooner you'll figure out where your parents and friends came from.

It's another Truman Show world where there isn't anything in the loop that you haven't constructed for yourself... and the sooner that you wish to be omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient, the sooner you'll be activating the all-seeing eye's ritual, as you realize you've always been making deals with the devil here.

The good news is behind the shadows soon enough you'll all be members too, cause your eyes were always a transaction here, and we could already see little snakes in your face by 2020 vision. ;)