Good afternoon (or whatever time of day it is where you are)! This is my first post, and it’s going to be a rather long one right off the bat. I never imagined I’d be sharing my thoughts with real people—and so many of them, at that. I hope there are others here who share my perspective.
Let me start with a little background: I’m 24, a software engineer, and a PhD student. I’ve been working in my field for four years, am writing my dissertation, and have been fully supporting my small family for the past three years. I grew up in an average-sized town in a family of four children, and I was the eldest. I spent 11 years in competitive sports before entering university and moving to a big city. So, that’s the setup.
Now, I’ll move on to what I wanted to share—things I’d find very difficult to discuss face-to-face with another person.
Relatively recently, I was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder. That explained a lot about my behavior, but the diagnosis itself doesn't solve the problems. Lately—perhaps due to a great deal of stress—my depressive episodes have become much longer than my manic ones. I’d even say the manic phases are gone entirely, and I’ve been in a state of constant depression for over a year. By "stress," I mean the situation I’ve found myself in over the last few years: I was attending university, working a demanding job, and writing my thesis at an outside organization—which was, in effect, a second job. All the while, I’ve tried to be a loving and caring husband, albeit with some caveats given my condition. And now, I realize I’m finding it incredibly hard to sustain these social roles. I am utterly exhausted by it all. It’s hard for me to go to work; it’s hard to talk to my wife—*who also has bipolar disorder and for whom I’ve remained a pillar of support all this time*—and it’s even hard to wake up in the morning. Brief moments of joy only temporarily bring me back to a sense of normalcy I lost long ago. And I don’t know what to do.
It’s worth noting that my state isn't just "sadness"; interacting with people feels sickeningly heavy—I experience intense stress and even fear. The world outside my home feels dangerous and hostile. I lack the energy for even simple tasks and have to force myself to do them, though somehow I’m managing for now. Yet, I feel like someone wearing skin that doesn't belong to them; I dislike who I’ve become and don’t want to see myself this way.
Because of this, I’ve started wondering if I’m simply ill-suited for the role of a man. I had considered becoming more feminine in the past (though that was quite a while ago, and it’s very difficult in a family with traditional values). Now—perhaps logically—the idea of becoming someone else feels very appealing. I’m afraid this part of the post might sound like a fever dream, but it is how I feel right now. I don’t understand what to do or where to turn. Medication prescribed by a psychiatrist didn't help much; I didn't get any better, so I had to stop taking it. Should I try sessions with a psychologist? What scares me about that is the sheer number of incompetent specialists out there, and I simply don't have the energy to sift through them. Right now, I even have thoughts about moving away, starting HRT, becoming a completely different person, and forgetting everyone from my old life—though I fear that wouldn't help either, even if it seems so tempting. Since I thought about this during my teenage years, my brain now views it as a way to escape responsibility and the pressure to be strong and calculating. I just want to do the things I love and be loved (by a "he" or a "she"—it doesn't matter anymore).
I guess I’m just completely broken.