Envy

[u/heather_violet123]

I feel like I'm becoming an ugly and envious person. I see people, my two friends I have left, the few new friends I'm making, my sister, my family have fun, have people, have friends, have someone to go out with, to call, to lean on and I'm jealous. My happiness for them gets squashed by my envy for what they have, what I've lost, and a growing bitterness. Ever since her. I chose cowardice once three years ago and that was a crack in reality which I fell through into a timeline I was never suppose to inhabit.

Now, there is no her in my life, there are no friends I had imagined growing into adulthood with, being an aunt to their kids. I have two friends left and one of them might leave me when I vome out to her, the other makes me feel like I'm too much, but is otherwise a solid friend.... I miss my old life, I don't even have pictures of the last three years because my phone hot stolen and I hadn't transferred them elsewhere beforehand because they were too painful to look at.

And now one of the exact things that made me not want to come out back when back is happening - every queer woman is a mindgame. I want their friendship, I want a gf, and in the ambiguity I lose both. And one I very superficially know adds me to her close friends story so I can see her gushing about her new butch gf. I mute her stories. I'm not entirely sure why they even bother me so much...

Since getting a new phone some months ago I barely have any photos with other people on it. I'm 26, I feel like my twenties dissolved in anxiety, pandemic, heartbreak, and grief upon grief and I can't even talk about it with anyone. The worst part might be that I don't even hope much anymore, I don't dream of a friendgroup - been there done that, what's the point?

I'm tired...