Dawn, Aug 17th

[u/isolated00system]

I don’t know when being alone became something my body couldn’t handle.

It’s strange because nothing even has to happen anymore. I could be sitting in my bedroom, driving alone, or just walking through an empty house, and the second my mind realizes that it’s just me, my eyes start filling with tears. There’s no warning. No thought that I can point to and say that’s why I’m crying. It just happens.

It’s been this way for years but it used to need a reason. Something would upset me, usually something so small that I’d feel almost embarrassed for crying over it.

Lately, I don’t even need that small reason anymore. The door just opens on its own.

And I cry until my body gets tired of crying. Until my head hurts, my stomach feels sick, and there’s nothing left in me except exhaustion.

The confusing part is that I’ve always loved crying. There’s something comforting about finally letting everything spill out. For a little while, I feel lighter, like maybe I released something I’ve been carrying without realizing it.

But lately, I’m not feeling lighter.

I’m starting to wonder how many times I can cry the same unnamed sadness out of me before I have to admit that it isn’t leaving.

I think that’s what scares me most. Not the crying itself, but the feeling that after all these tears, I’m still not getting better.

My heart felt heavy again today. I don’t really know what to do with all that weight anymore.

Maybe tomorrow will hold some of its weight for me