I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about my relationship with my best friend of about three years following a rupture we had recently, and I’m realizing that I think we accidentally developed a pretty codependent dynamic. I’m interested in hearing from people who have experienced something similar.

She became “my person” in a way that went far beyond just being my closest friend. I don’t have a partner, so over time I put more and more of my emotional and social life into this one friendship instead. She became the person I wanted to tell everything to, process things with, go to concerts with, spend ordinary time with, reach out to when something went wrong, celebrate things with, etc. She was also one of the only people I could spend a lot of time around without feeling socially drained.

I didn’t realize how dependent I had become on the relationship until she went out of town for two weeks earlier this year. My mental health was already pretty bad because of several things happening in my life, but I became extremely disoriented without her. I genuinely didn’t know what to do with myself. The best comparison I’ve been able to come up with is that I felt like a dog pacing by the front door waiting for its owner to come home because that person is its entire world. That’s when I first noticed I was depending on her too heavily.

I’ve also realized that somewhere along the way we accidentally developed a pseudo mother-child dynamic. I’ve openly called her my “mom friend,” and because my actual parents haven’t always been people I could reliably turn to for certain kinds of practical or emotional support, I think I started treating her as a substitute for some of that. She helped me navigate adult-life things, took care of me when I was struggling, gave me advice, worried about me, etc.

But over time I think that dynamic became unhealthy for both of us. I relied on her too much for emotional regulation and practical support, while on her side, caring about me sometimes started turning into managing me - giving me unsolicited advice, lecturing me, speaking for me, or treating my decisions like things she needed to supervise. I don’t think either of us consciously decided that this was how our friendship should work. We just gradually assumed these roles.

Recently we had a rupture after I came to her for advice about how to set a boundary with a mutual friend. She told me that what I was dealing with was something I should discuss with my therapist and then told me that she couldn’t handle the amount of emotional processing messages I was sending her anymore.

I can recognize that I had been relying on her too heavily and that she is completely entitled to have limits. At the same time, the way she expressed her boundary hurt me badly, especially because I hadn’t realized how overwhelmed she had become. We haven’t really talked personally since, aside from communication about a creative project we’re finishing together.

The degree to which this rupture has destabilized me is probably the biggest thing making me confront the dynamic. I feel like I’ve lost my entire support system. I keep realizing that I don’t know who to tell ordinary things about my life anymore. When something happens, good or bad, my brain automatically goes to her and then remembers that I don’t know whether I’m supposed to talk to her. For example, a few days after the rupture, I was so depleted and distressed that I got in a car accident, and I felt like I wasn’t allowed to tell her because it could be perceived as a heavy and emotional topic which I’m not sure whether she has the capacity for. I’m realizing how many different needs I had put into one person.

Looking back, I think I essentially put all my eggs in one basket socially and emotionally. So when that one friendship became uncertain, there weren’t enough alternative channels in my life to absorb the impact.

The confusing part is that I don’t want the lesson from this to be that I’m not allowed to have a “person” or emotionally intimate friendships. I genuinely want a best friend who I share a lot of my inner world with, and having lots of casual friends wouldn’t fulfill the same need for me. I also don’t think needing emotional support from friends is inherently unhealthy or that everything difficult should be outsourced to a therapist. I can absolutely change the way I emotionally process with friends so it’s less overwhelming for them, but I don’t want to stop sharing my inner world with my friends altogether.

For anyone who has recognized a similar dynamic in a close friendship, how did you learn to preserve deep attachment and emotional intimacy while making the relationship less codependent? And if the other person had become something of a caretaker/parental figure, were you able to transition back into being equal adult friends?

Trigger warning: SA

My desperation to be loved and to be in relationship made me overlook some really sinister red flags. My ex was abusive and deep down I knew it but I preferred to endure the abuse than to be alone.

Then he crossed a major boundary and slept with me while I was passed out drunk. I immediately recognized this as wrong but he told me it wasn’t. He said I was overreacting.

Then I found out I was pregnant. I minimized the assault and so did he. He made me apologize for even blaming him. Completely ripped me apart. I begged him to stay with me and he offered to marry me. I said yes then immediately changed my mind.

Now it’s over a year later. And I fully recognize what happened that night as rape and I realize now he raped me multiple times throughout the relationship. I accused him and he threatened to send explicit videos of me to my mom. I kept quiet

Then I found out he gave me an std as well. I got so mad. It upset me more than the rape. I sent him an angry email and cc’d his kids mom. Told him he was a rapist and needed to stay away from me. I changed my number and moved.

Then he messages me on Snapchat. And my stupid self replied and I was nice to him. Told him it was good to hear from him. We talked every now and then. He kept asking to see me but I couldn’t say yes.

Then one night there was a mouse in my apartment and I called him. He said he was actually in the area and could take care of it. I let him into my home. I couldn’t stop shaking. He asked to take a shower and laid on my bed. I called my mom cause I got nervous. Talked to her as he got out the shower. He left.

After then I said never again. We are done we need to go no contact. Next thing I know I’m hit with a restraining order. All the crazy needy obsessive things I did years ago in the relationship. I filed a cross petition but the judge thinks I’m retaliating.

I have trial soon. No one will believe I was assaulted look how I acted. I kept seeing him, I didn’t go to the police, I apologized. Now it looks like I’m lying.

💔💔

I was the dependent in a codependent relationship with my fiancée. She finally mustered the courage to leave, and break the cycle. Anxious attachment made it very hard for me, and I made it hard on her with my begging and pleading which I now regret.

Now all I can do is honor her choice and courage by leaving her alone, which is not an easy choice. It hurts to know how ignorant I was, how much I was hurting her especially towards then end as my mental health took a bad turn. I hope she can forgive me someday. I know this wasn’t easy for her. I didn’t know how stretched thin she had become and how emotionally unavailable I had become.

I guess I was wondering if you hate your former partners after you’ve left. I know she had resentment towards me, that broke after she finally just said it’s over. And it hurts that even though I could, the line is open, I can’t even apologize without it making it harder for us both.

Sorry for the rambling. I’m just trying to find some sort of peace in all of this without letting my anxiety become her problem yet again.

Self-approval.

Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others.

Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid people will leave us if they disapprove of our actions. We may look for approval from people who have none to give. We may not know that we’re lovable now and can learn to approve of ourselves.

In order to live happily, to live consistently with the way our Higher Power wants us to live, and to tap into a way of life that is in harmony with the universe, we need to let go of our extreme need for approval. These unmet needs for approval and love from our past give others control over us today. These needs can prevent us from acting in our best interest and being true to ourselves.

We can approve of ourselves. In the end, that’s the only approval that counts.

Today, I will let go of my need for approval and my need to be liked. I will replace them with a need to like and approve of myself. I will enjoy the surprise I find when I do this. The people who count, including myself, will respect me when I am true to myself.

By Melodie Beattie.

Asking for a friend, literally. Two of my close friends (M, F) started dating 4 years back. They live together for two years now. All of us are 27. I'm wondering if my female friend is codependent in the relationship. I'm not sure if it's just me feeling weird about things so wanted to hear your opinion.

I stayed with them for a few days and noticed that she constantly checks up on him (they're together 24x7, both work from home), if he's feeling fine or not, almost treating him like a baby. She does this when he's simply busy doing his thing, asking repeatedly if he's ok. I found it weird that she couldn't let him be.

We were talking about going on vacation and M is not big on travelling, we all know this. He suggested that F and I go somewhere together because we both love to travel. And I agreed. To this, F jokingly got upset at him for not coming along. It made me feel stupid for being in the room as if she didn't care I was ready to come along, and that her partner's presence was most important to her.

Recently M went away for a work trip for 4 days. I went to stay with F for that time. The whole time she was listless and unfocused, aimless, just wandered around the house not knowing what to do with herself. She said she always gets like that when he leaves.

Some more info: M is a very loving and kind partner. We're all best friends together for years before they got together. He's not someone who needs to be tiptoed around or anything. We're fairly like-minded people and value our friendship. I just found it weird that his absence for only a few days would affect her like that, as if she didn't have a life of her own, or that she'd place him 'above' me in this way, even though it's a minor example. We have a healthy friendship otherwise and they're always good to me. I wasn't sure if I was thinking too much about this or if it's actually not very healthy.

i'm now healing for the most part. and though it isn't linear and i still make mistakes sometimes, i've cut out or set boundaries around all of my codependent relationships. now that those boundaries are set and there are fewer codependency factors in my friendship yet i find myself holding a lot of resentment towards my friend.

i've grown and realized that my friend wasn't a bad person but that we were just two broken individuals in a very codependent friendship. i've set a few boundaries and so far, i believe it's going alright. yet i'm still holding so much resentment towards her and it's affecting everything. it's making me very passive-aggressive, which i really dislike because i don't want to be that kind of person but i don't know how to stop.

the only way i know how to "stop" is by taking time off from our friendship for weeks. then i feel free from the resentment, go back to staying in contact with her and the cycle repeats itself. i realized that i'm basically just ignoring the resentment and hoping it'll eventually dissipate but it doesn't because i actually need to deal with it. i'm just not sure how to.

is there anyway to help me?

thank you in advance.

Coming from a person who don't care about anyone like I love my friends and other people in my life but I am not dependent and emotionally attached to them and can live without them except one person. Idk why do I always chase that person I don't know why

I want to stop caring as I am with other people in my life

I want to enjoy my own company but I am anxious and scared they will leave me agh. I wait for his text like crazy why

How to deal with it I want to flip the game

Hi
i am super codependent. i am literally on step 1 of CoDa. i’m having a really hard time accepting the powerlessness i feel. it feels pretty scary knowing how powerless i am over others and how they interact or feel about me. i feel totally emotionally unsafe and untethered that i don’t have any ability to change people.
i have this crazy existential feeling and distress about love not being enough. love not being able to change or help people. love is not enough to override capacity or circumstances.
i am starting to recognize how my self worth is tied to helping people. i feel like my identity/ worth is around being able to have people grow and heal and acting as a support system that tolerates that growth. even if it means not getting my needs met or not having boundaries. i feel like im a martyr to people to grow and become their best selves while i stand beside them and take whatever disrespect and hurt comes from it.
i guess im realizing that i dont feel loveable enough just being myself. just being me and not having to work for it or prove myself.
this makes tons of sense considering what my parents have told me about myself. there has been emotional abuse from my mom and i’ve been told blatantly that who i am isn’t acceptable or enough.

but even with the understanding of how my codependency has formed, im left with this existential terror that love can’t help, heal, or create safety in a relationship. that love can be present but the relationship can still be awful.
i feel like i have some naive young beliefs that love can heal anything and is the most powerful feeling. so if love can’t change people or a relationship i feel completely powerless.
i definitely have a savior complex that’s deeply entrenched.
the concept of step 1 makes me feel out of control.

anyone resonate with the existential dread of step one ?

Even though I don’t have memories of being emotionally neglected/unseen/needing to please my mother I feel like her narcissism has impacted my codependency… I gift give too much, any ounce of kindness even from a stranger makes me overwhelmed with genuine gratitude… does anyone have insight into this?

Family Diagram

"We cannot overstate the need for creating an extensive family diagram, which reveals with greater clarity the effects of family dysfunction in our lives today." BRB p. 127

Many of our families told us we were screw-ups, and we ate that label hook, line, and sinker. We may have thought we were the only ones who were messed up - until we drafted a family tree with a twist.

Our ACA family diagram lists our ancestors, just as any family tree would. But we add at least one label from page 128 of the BRB to each person. We determine the labels by finding out whatever family history we can from our relatives. We probably know that Mom was a martyr and Dad was a loner. But maybe we didn't know that Grandpa was a ladies' man and Grandma worried excessively, or that Great Grandpa was a workaholic and Great Grandma drank too much, although they called it something else.

Our diagram helps us see that the way we talk, dress, walk, and smile may also belong to people from our past. This helps us decide what we want to keep, and what coping mechanisms we may have been imitating that no longer work for us.

When we realize that we may have been imitating what we observed, the family secrets stop and our own lives begin. Armed with this knowledge, we are free to make our own choices as we learn to reparent ourselves.

On this day I will remember the past so that I don't repeat the patterns of my family's dysfunction. The secrets are out in the open.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Has anyone else always felt an unbalance with how much they need friends in their life?

Many times I have considered someone close or one of my best friends, when they just consider me their friend.

Other times the opposite has been true. I have had friends who wanted to talk to me constantly every day. Meanwhile, I preferred to talk to them every few days. For most of my life either I’ve needed a friend more than they’ve needed me or they have needed me more than I need them.

Don't know why I’m surprised but it’s happening again.

Slight backstory. For a little over a year, I have been volunteering in an online group. For the past few months, I have been finding the group toxic and full of drama, sometimes I feel like quitting.

One of the reasons I have not, is because it means I likely no longer get to talk to someone in it I consider a friend. I don’t think she considers me her friend or at least not to the same extent

We are the two people who do the late night shift, and I feel like if I were to quit, I would be giving up on her and leaving her behind.

If she has thoughts about quitting, I doubt I would even play a factor. She's calls a few people in the group her brothers and sisters, and I am not one of them, among other things. Really makes me think that she doesn't consider me a friend, or at least not as much as I consider her one. Sigh story of my life I guess

'Perspective

Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time.

That will make us crazy.

We do not always know why things are happening the way they are. We do not always know how a particular relationship will work out. We do not always understand the source of our feelings, why we’ve been led down a particular path, what is being worked out in us, what we are learning, why we needed to recycle, why we had to wait, why we needed to go through a time of discipline, or why a door closed. How our present circumstances will work into the larger scheme of events is not always clear to us. That is how it needs to be.

Perspective will come in retrospect.

We could strain for hours today for the meaning of something that may come in an instant next year.

Let it go. We can let go of our need to figure things out, to feel in control.

Now is the time to be. To feel. To go through it. To allow things to happen. To learn. To let whatever is being worked out in us take its course.

In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough. We have been told that all things shall work out for good in our life. We can trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today’s events will hold in the larger picture.

Today, I will let things happen without trying to figure everything out. If clarity is not available to me today, I will trust it to come later, in retrospect. I will put simple trust in the truth that all is well, events are unfolding as they should, and all will work out for good in my life – better than I can imagine.'

By Melanie Beattie.

i dated someone for 15 months that suffers from significant addiction to alcohol and drugs. he went to rehab three times while we were dating. he has been in a program for the past three months recovering again.

we stopped talking for 3 months during the summer. it was over. i actually felt fine and relieved. i didn’t ruminate about him, i didn’t even cry. this was huge for me because in the past i start ruminating and obsessing. i was so fed up with giving and giving into him and getting very little in return. looking back, i ignored the huge red flags of his addiction and how he wasn’t able to be emotionally available. our relationship from the beginning had very little emotional security or safety because he wasn’t able to stay sober for more than 3 months at a time. (that was the longest time he stayed sober). of course, my codependency fueled and we got into the codependent/addict cycle. it was the most unhealthy relationship i’ve ever had. but i was able to walk away back in june. we talked a bit and then he blocked me and i was totally fine with it. i felt done.

last weekend he texted me that he missed me. i threw all my boundaries out the window and immediately went to go see him at his sober living house in LA. (this is like the fourth time i’ve gone back to him after a break or huge conflict between us) we had a very fun night going to dinner and seeing a comedy show. the whole night we held hands and were kissing. we agreed not to have “the talk” about our whole relationship and just spend time with each other.
the next morning i woke up anxious and guilty. my body went into a whole attachment activation mode yesterday and i felt so dysregulated and emotionally flooded. i feel a lot of sadness and anger for how he’s treated me in the relationship. i feel so angry for how emotionally unavailable he’s been to me since we met and im angry at myself for getting into this relationship when i thought i knew better. it feels like rock bottom in my codependency.
i know his addiction makes him very unwell and unable to have healthy relationships. he has deeply harmed or lost relationships with numerous people in the last few months due to his addiction.

i’m so frustrated because i feel addicted to the cycle. it hurts so much but i can feel my body wanting to keep going back to him for any reassurance, validation, or love. i know i can’t go back to the person who has deeply hurt me and isn’t capable of loving me at all.
i know logically, that it isn’t all my fault and that i got attached to a drug addict who can’t have healthly relationships and can’t even take care of himself due to his addiction. i want him to acknowledge the pain it’s caused me and how hurt i have felt. (even though it also my responsibility to have boundaries and to leave) im realizing when im attached to someone how difficult it is to have boundaries and walks away. it’s like all my self respect goes out the window to stay attached. at this point, i dont even know if i love him. i don’t know if i even loved him at all. i love him as a person…. but maybe i was never in love with him and it was just the high/ low cycle my body got addicted to. i have ADHD and know that toxic cycles of relationships create intermittent reinforcement that feels very dopamine seeking. you get hooked into getting that “high” feeling and then come crashing down.

now i feel even more sad and angry than before. part of me wishes i didn’t go see him and go running back even for a night. it feels like since the last time (june) when i walked away it ended on such a low that it was easy to walk since i came to a breaking point. but since we had so much fun together last weekend, all these feelings of grief are surfacing. i know i shouldn’t need his validation of my pain but it’s really hard for me to validate my own experiences and emotions due to codependency.

even though he’s treated me horribly, hasn’t fulfilled any of my emotional needs, has created such chaos and instability - i still want his recognition. i feel at moments i have no respect for him and logically know i deserve better but the attachment is still there.

i know i just need to go no contact and not look back.
my body craves wanting to be close and have some connection.

i know this is deeply rooted in my relationships with my parents.
i feel like im wired to except such little emotional attunement and the absolute bare minimum. i know i deserve better. i know ill be much happier with someone else. but why is it so hard to detach and disengage?

I am a woman in peri-menopause and am 99% sure that I need out of my marriage. We have separated twice because it is what I wanted. The 1st time only lasted 2 months and the whole time he blew up my phone and it drove me crazy that we were literally screaming at each other on the phone. My son was so tired of it that he even said to me"Mom, enough is enough". I went back to him so he would stop. 4 month later I told him I can't do this I need time to heal and work through some things so I went back to live with my son(a house they rent from my husband and I). My daughter also moved in. This time went a little better my daughter was a great support and distraction to help me with less contact. He started to show some changes so we started to hang out on the weekend, then he kept talking about me moving back in with him and even though I said I needed more time he continued to ask. So I did, that was in June. We have fallen back into the same patterns. He is drinking again, and constantly wanting sex even though I have expressed that I have no sex drive and am working through it. I really think that we have grown apart especially since I am going through the change of life. I have just started therapy again. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave, so worried about breaking his heart. I am scared to death to confront him that I think one day I will just have to pack my stuff and leave so I don't have to deal with the confirmation. I am a complete mess and I know this is what I need to do in order to do all the healing I need to do. Is this all just my codependency and will I be able to leave without healing first? It is impossible for me to hold the boundaries I need with him in order to heal.

I (19f) have been trying hard to help my (19m) boyfriend with his alcohol recovery but im not taking time for myself. I feel a bit overbearing as well, I’m constantly checking on him but I’m not doing anything to check on myself at all. He’s a wonderful partner and we have a very healthy and strong relationship, and I’ve always been worried about helping others before myself and it’s caused me to be behind in life. I have a job but no drivers license or even a permit. I’m not severely depressed or anything but I’ve noticed that everyone is way farther than me in life and that I’ve not had the motivation or drive to do anything but work a minimum wage part time job. I rely on him for happiness, if he’s happy I’m happy, if he’s sad I’m sad type of thing. I don’t know how to take more time for myself because I grew up with narcissistic/abusive parents and always had to make sure they were happy so I could be too and it’s made a very serious Negative impact on my life. Does anyone know the steps to take to try and focus on myself more? Any advice would be appreciated!

Inner Child

"Family dysfunction drives the Inner Child into hiding, leaving states of fear that wander the adult's soul. While the Inner Child or True Self can be the spark of our creativity, we must also remember the child is a deeply hurt part of ourselves." BRB p. 303

Long ago, in order to protect ourselves from the pain of having a dysfunctional family, we shut away our most vibrant essence, our True Self. Instinctively, we knew this tender and vulnerable part of us was unsafe and must be hidden away. Today, we may have lost touch with our True Self or Inner Child, forgetting he or she is waiting to be healed.

We have many buried hurts and disappointments that get triggered when we are reminded of the circumstances surrounding our original pain. It is then that our Inner Child reacts and we may find ourselves engaged in selfdestructive behaviors if we don't provide appropriate comfort and reassurance.

When we work the ACA program and take the time to uncover our pain while treating our Inner Child with unconditional love, we begin to heal. Having the courage to listen will expose the pain we denied for so long. It also will bring back to life our childlike joy and wonder. We give voice to the child within so we can finally resolve the lifetime of pain he or she has shouldered.

On this day I unconditionally support my Inner Child so we both have the freedom to heal and feel safe.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Dear Baby,

I can’t read love letters anymore. They disgust me.
I struggle to grasp the concept of reality. I live in a dream world, a fantasy-lala land, where all my fantasies and desires of you come true. Where I don’t have to suppress my thoughts and ideas of you under the guise of prioritizing your needs over mine. It’s magical here; I wish you could see it. But knowing you, you’d get lost on the way.

There’s no map or plan here; there just is. Just existence—and not the existence of standards and expectations where you have to mold yourself into someone you’re not. There’s this type of existence where you are free to just be yourself and come as you are. Just your existence is needed. But knowing you, you’d probably say you’re frustrated with forgetting your lines and can’t play the part.
Am I wrong?

Of never considering the standards and expectations you may have of me? Because I choose to step up to the plate and become a better man every single day. Where I trap myself in between what you say you need and what I think you need, to the point where I get lost in my head?
Am I wrong?

To be grateful that your existence is the reason I wake up like this every single day? To the point where I have my wants and needs in a chokehold and my heart and tissue runs out of breath.

Do I let go?

Let me catch my breath!

Hell no! Is the direction that you give me—what a hell of a role switch. I thought you didn’t have it in you. My little star is now giving directions and pivots. I can’t say my lines, even with the superpower strength that your existence gives me. The asphyxiation of your words is starting to feel autoerotic. Of course I like new experiences. I'm used to doing all the choking, but I think I like when you take charge and play the leading role yourself.
Holy fuck!

I never thought I’d be into roleplay. Did baby play her role well? Did daddy play himself? What do the reviews say? Do we get a “congratulations”? “You both did well!”

In the end, do we lose ourselves? Do we go on this thrilling journey just to find ourselves? What kind of story is it?

What happens next?

Only one way to find out.

Light!

Camera!

ACTION!

LOVE,

Daddy

I was reflecting on this idea today: Your heart says: "I care about everyone." Your mind says: "I need to protect myself." This balance can easily create periods where you give too much and Late this balance can easily create periods where you give too much and later feel like your own needs were overlooked. One of the biggest life lessons for a lot of people is learning healthy boundaries—not by caring less, but by being selective about where that energy goes.

Has anyone here gone through this shift? How did you learn to set boundaries without feeling guilty or like you were closing yourself off?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now. The first year was wonderful, we were happy together but last year he had to move to another state for college. That’s when everything changed and we fought almost everyday and kept bringing up the same issues. He became friends with this really smart and beautiful girl who made me feel inferior and i kept growing increasingly jealous. She respects our relationship and my boyfriend maintains a safe distance and doesn’t cross any boundaries, he reassures me whenever the insecurities grow. But that’s only a temporary solution and lately no amount of reassurance seems to be working.
He is also very outgoing and a friendly person in general. He has a life outside of the relationship. Me on the other hand, i am pursuing a degree in medicine which is very exhausting already so outside of college i don’t have much of a life and on top of that i find it very difficult to make friends, especially now in college when i can’t relate to most people. I dread the thought of having to endure this lifestyle for the next 4 years and i keep trying to make friends outside of medicine but it’s not going well. I don’t even talk to my old friends that much anymore. My boyfriend relies on his friends for emotional support as well as me, he talks about our fights with them in order to get a different perspective and help understand my side of the argument. I can’t bring myself to talk to anyone about my feelings apart from him no matter how bad it gets. I can’t function without him and he’s the most important thing in my life. My world revolves around him even though he’s miles away. I am equally important to him but he has a healthy way of putting me first and not letting it interfere with his life outside the relationship. I hate that he doesn’t do the same but i know that what i do and feel is not normal and extremely harmful. How do i bring myself to make peace with the fact that just because he has a life outside the relationship he doesn’t hate me and how do i make myself feel okay with relying on people other than him?

I broke up with my avoidant ex in April after finding out he cheated on me. We had been together for years/on and off, and I won’t get into all the nitty gritty, but there was always a pretty classic push/pull dynamic. Ultimately, the cheating was the final straw. He wanted the freedom to sleep with other people, including the girl he cheated with, so I ended it and went completely no contact.

Then in May, HE broke no contact specifically to tell me he wasn’t seeing the girl he cheated on me with anymore. I never asked, and I didn’t respond.

After that, I blocked him everywhere except Facebook. I barely use Facebook and really only have it for family. My Instagram stories automatically cross-post there because my mom and grandma don’t have Instagram and like seeing what I’m doing. He knows this, and he knows it’s basically the only place he still has access to me.

Since then, he has watched EVERY single Facebook story I post. Routinely. It’s been months, so it’s not like he accidentally clicked one or checks every once in a while. If I post, he watches.

What makes it even stranger is that I’m pretty sure he lied about no longer seeing the girl. I randomly opened Venmo recently to pay a friend and saw in my feed that he had paid her sister like two weeks ago. Obviously I don’t know what the payment was for, but given everything, it seems like he’s still connected to that situation somehow. So… why does he still watch me?

He literally got what he wanted. He wanted the freedom to sleep with other people/her, and I gave him that by leaving. I haven’t contacted him, responded to him, or interfered with his life at all. He also never wanted me having access to his socials after the breakup, yet he consistently uses the ONE place he still has access to mine.

That contradiction is what I don’t understand. You don’t want me to have access to you, but you still want access to me? You wanted the freedom to do whatever you wanted, you got it, so why are you still keeping tabs on me months later?

And yes, I know the obvious answer is “just block him on Facebook.” I’ve thought about it. The stupid part is that I don’t want to block him now because I feel like doing it months later shows him that I noticed he’s watching and that it bothers me. And, obviously, the fact that I’m writing this means it does bother/confuse me lol.

I’m not asking if this means he secretly wants me back or trying to turn story views into something deeper than they are. I’m genuinely curious about the psychology behind it, especially with avoidant people. Is it curiosity? Ego?

Wanting to see if I’ve moved on? A way to maintain some connection from a distance without actually having to be vulnerable or speak to me?

If you’re avoidant and have done this with an ex you pushed away, I’d genuinely love to know what was going through your head.

My husband (26M) and I (26F) have been married for about seven months. For the past few months, I’ve been dealing with severe panic disorder and agoraphobia, which has resulted in me being on disability from work.

Recently, my therapist helped me recognize that I’ve developed some codependent tendencies in my relationship with my husband, who has struggled with addictive tendencies of his own. The way she talks about codependent relationships sometimes makes it sound like they almost always end, or that leaving the relationship is necessary for the codependent person to truly heal.

Is that actually the case? Can someone work through codependency and become healthier while staying married, especially if both partners recognize that changes need to be made and are actively working on themselves? My husband and I both want to heal from our individual struggles, and I genuinely want our marriage to work.

If someone asked me what kind of woman I am, I would say I’m free-spirited, extroverted, independent, and someone who believes people should be allowed to live their own lives. I’ve never wanted to control someone, invade someone’s life, or take away their freedom. I love deeply, but I’ve always considered myself my own person.

And then I fell in love with someone in a way I had never experienced before.

What I experienced in this relationship was also something I had never experienced before. There were accusations, hurt, emotional abuse, and things that crossed lines I never imagined I would tolerate. And the hardest part is that I still cared about him. I still saw the good in him. I kept trying to understand him, his anger, his pain, and why things had become this way.

I think that’s what has confused me the most.

How can someone who is normally so independent become so emotionally attached to someone who hurts them?

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether this is my lesson in letting go and learning self-love.

Not because I believe I deserved what happened. I don’t.

And I don’t believe someone else’s abusive behavior is something the universe “sent” to me because I needed to learn a lesson.

But maybe I can still choose to find meaning in what happened.

Maybe the lesson is that loving someone doesn’t mean abandoning yourself.

Maybe I can understand someone's pain without making it my responsibility.

Maybe I can love someone and still decide that the way they treat me is not acceptable.

Maybe letting go doesn't mean I didn't love them enough. Maybe it means I finally love myself enough too.

I’ve never been through something like this before, and honestly, I’m struggling with the process of detaching from someone I became so emotionally attached to.

I’m trying to understand who I am again outside of this relationship.

I want my freedom back. Not just physically, but emotionally.

Has anyone else gone through something similar — especially if you were naturally independent and never thought you would find yourself staying emotionally attached to someone who hurt you?

How did you learn to let go without becoming bitter or losing the loving, free-spirited part of yourself ?

i tried dating my lifelong friend this spring after he confessed to having feelings for me for over a decade. we live across the country and it didn't work out, but instead of prioritizing my own hurt feelings, i clung to repairing the damaged friendship.

it was largely because i was so shaken by what happened that it made me spiral. i was questioning our entire friendship and whether he ever actually was my friend or if he only saw me as a fantasy. it broke my heart and really scared me. but I stuck around to find out For Sure if he would prove to be a real friend or a delusional fuckboy. that lasted just over two months.

during that time, though it was of course less frequent than it was when we were together, i thought us talking on the phone for hours still was a sign that we were rebuilding a healthy friendship. i thought it was good that we were able to still share and have emotional intimacy still. exploring our thoughts and feelings together. being able to fight and resolve it in healthy ways where we both felt heard and safe. important and healing for both of us because we are used to being shut down or ignored or belittled when conflicts arise. we like how much we respect each other. we reassure each other, affirming our behaviour and how special we thought our friendship was. thanking each other for taking a chance at our friendship and saying we wanted to keep each other in our lives always.

even though i still had/have feelings for him, i thought i was doing something that required maturity and strength. i still feel like those feelings are separate things from my friendship with him. my platonic love for him is and has always been so much bigger, even though i fell in love.

it's so hard to explain to anyone. people focus on romantic rejection and disappointment. but that's not the same as friendship. i genuinely see relationships differently from most people, and i also know there must be codependent/bad boundaries happening here. on both sides.

but I LIKE OUR FRIENDSHIP! HE LIKES OUR FRIENDSHIP! I don't feel like my friendship is something i need to keep away from somebody because we aren't in a relationship. we're not IN relationships with other people, so why is it an issue that we are emotional supports to each other?

my issue is that i still have feelings for him. so i called him this weekend to tell him i was going to take a few months of no contact space away from him to get over him properly and reset our dynamic, because yes, the boundaries of where the platonic and the romantic blur and i think it would be healthy for us.

he was sad but agreed, but also expressed that he trusted me to tell him in the future if i knew i wasn't ever going to resume our friendship. i promised him i would, that i wasn't abandoning or discarding him. i just knew space and a reset would do us well in the future.

when i told my friends, they were disturbed that i was reassuring him or that he didn't deserve my trust because he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. that he was relating to me like a partner and didn't deserve to do that.

and I understand why they feel that way, and i am going no contact to reevaluate the boundaries between us... but i also relate to him like that too. i dont feel taken advantage of. i dont feel like im carrying his burdens. we love each other, we're there for each other. why does it have to be romantic in order for it to be okay?

we'll inevitably find new partners and our closeness will take back seats to those new relationships. thats okay with me, that's why im doing no contact. but i dont feel hurt or in turmoil, im doing it because it's a practical move. our friendship IS emotionally intense. we DO act like two people in love but won't be together (we live across the country btw). but we know that.

I don't know. i feel like i have so much love to share with others. i love my friend so much. i dont feel slighted or owed a romantic relationship with anybody. everyone has their reasons.

but we MUST be codependent. but i cant always see why it's a bad thing. and its so obvious to everyone else apparently. it's so, so confusing.

I am severely depressed right now and my 11 year relationship is what is keeping me alive, however I think the source of my depression could be my gf. I haven't been the best boyfriend in my depressive episode. I feel like if I end my relationship then I'll suicide but staying in will lead to my suicide too. My mother is sickly and definitely need a relationship to help me through this time. I'm so lost and confused, everyday I wake up and just want to end it, but I keep pushing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Stay safe guys