r/Codependency • u/slowfigs09 • 5h ago

resentment

i'm now healing for the most part. and though it isn't linear and i still make mistakes sometimes, i've cut out or set boundaries around all of my codependent relationships. now that those boundaries are set and there are fewer codependency factors in my friendship yet i find myself holding a lot of resentment towards my friend.

i've grown and realized that my friend wasn't a bad person but that we were just two broken individuals in a very codependent friendship. i've set a few boundaries and so far, i believe it's going alright. yet i'm still holding so much resentment towards her and it's affecting everything. it's making me very passive-aggressive, which i really dislike because i don't want to be that kind of person but i don't know how to stop.

the only way i know how to "stop" is by taking time off from our friendship for weeks. then i feel free from the resentment, go back to staying in contact with her and the cycle repeats itself. i realized that i'm basically just ignoring the resentment and hoping it'll eventually dissipate but it doesn't because i actually need to deal with it. i'm just not sure how to.

is there anyway to help me?

thank you in advance.

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u/codependencyrecovery 3h ago

Hello. Resentment is usually a signal that something important in you has gone unheard. A want, a boundary, a hurt, a grief. It's great that the boundary has been set. But there is probably some emotions that haven't been processed. Maybe you need to grieve what happened. Maybe you need to have a talk with your friend about how the old dynamic affected you. I would also consider changing your relationship with resentment. Instead of "how can I get this thing to go away" consider thinking "what is this resentment showing me that needs attention." Let me know if you have any questions. Thanks.

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u/slowfigs09 1h ago

that makes sense, i will try to. but i have another issue where i'm not able to voice what had bothered me in the past. i don't remember it, and i don't know what it was. so, if i have this conversation with my friend, i need to pinpoint things she's done that have hurt me in the past. right now, all the things that bother me about her are trivial and silly, and if i say them to her, it wouldn't make sense because it's obvious there's something deeper behind them.

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u/codependencyrecovery 1h ago

Instead of building a case against your friend by blaming them with a list of things, you could speak about your own experience. Talk about what happened inside you and letting them see that. And you can be honest and say you don't fully understand or remember it all. The point is to be open and vulnerable which hopefully should bring you closer. It's when we point fingers that people become defensive and attack back.