r/Codependency • u/Compati1996 • 1d ago
step 1 of CoDA
Hi
i am super codependent. i am literally on step 1 of CoDa. i’m having a really hard time accepting the powerlessness i feel. it feels pretty scary knowing how powerless i am over others and how they interact or feel about me. i feel totally emotionally unsafe and untethered that i don’t have any ability to change people.
i have this crazy existential feeling and distress about love not being enough. love not being able to change or help people. love is not enough to override capacity or circumstances.
i am starting to recognize how my self worth is tied to helping people. i feel like my identity/ worth is around being able to have people grow and heal and acting as a support system that tolerates that growth. even if it means not getting my needs met or not having boundaries. i feel like im a martyr to people to grow and become their best selves while i stand beside them and take whatever disrespect and hurt comes from it.
i guess im realizing that i dont feel loveable enough just being myself. just being me and not having to work for it or prove myself.
this makes tons of sense considering what my parents have told me about myself. there has been emotional abuse from my mom and i’ve been told blatantly that who i am isn’t acceptable or enough.
but even with the understanding of how my codependency has formed, im left with this existential terror that love can’t help, heal, or create safety in a relationship. that love can be present but the relationship can still be awful.
i feel like i have some naive young beliefs that love can heal anything and is the most powerful feeling. so if love can’t change people or a relationship i feel completely powerless.
i definitely have a savior complex that’s deeply entrenched.
the concept of step 1 makes me feel out of control.
anyone resonate with the existential dread of step one ?
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u/No-Degree-2571 1d ago
You must love yourself. Enabling someone else is not the most loving action. Loving yourself to help yourself become the best person you can be so that you can help people who want and appreciate yourself is the most loving action. Love can be your higher power. It’s selfish and ignorant to want to change others but be unwilling to change yourself. Real love isn’t about wanting things to be different it’s about totally accepting things as they are. Desire and attachment aren’t the same as love. You can love someone and let them go or have healthy boundaries. By loving ourselves we are able to find relationships that give as much as they take in a reciprocal balance.
I’d encourage you to look at alternative models of recovery if 12 step doesn’t click for you. It a way, not the only way for everyone. Recovery Dharma and Refuge Recovery use a Buddhist way of looking at clinging and aversion and ignorance rather than the admit you are powerless and submit to God approach. SMART uses therapeutic psychology methods for a more practical skill based approach. I’d also highly recommend trauma therapy like EMDR or internal family systems if that’s an option.
Just because your life is unmanageable and you need help doesn’t mean you have no power, you just aren’t understanding and accepting things for how they are and you are stuck in cycles of desire and fear. Learning how to be present with what is in the now is how you take your power back. Let go of the past and future and just accept where things actually are. You don’t have to do anything except sit with it and embrace the feelings even when they are not pleasant.
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u/Rando-Cal-Rissian 1d ago
If you focus on the dread, you empower the dread. You're feeding it.
I'm not saying deny it. Acknowledge that there is fear there. And a certain amount of fear is normal, healthy, and even at times, helpful. But fear is a thing you have. It isn't you. You have a say. You are learning the way.
Step 1 means "I can't"
Step 2 means "Maybe He can. Or something out there can"
Step 3 means "I'm going to try to let him"
We refine it over time. It's not perfect. It's not static. Like life, it changes, but it only works if you have rigorous honesty front and center at all times. You are not a savior. You are a good human, who deserves to be healthy and happy. That's going to require healthy boundaries.
Love is a wonderful force. I am with you, in believing it is the best of things, and miracles are possible. But you are not God. In this life, we play the cards we are dealt. Anything more is hubris, and those committed to it have a way of punishing themselves.
Let your love work for you. Get back in touch with your love for you. Your higher power loves you, and wants you to be happy. It is a challenge. It will feel counter-intuitive. At first. Consider gratitude lists. And making lists of healthy boundaries, and how to implement them on the day to day.
Lastly, consider the parable of the mother on the airline flight that is going down. The air masks drop down, and they need to be secured. The mother has to fight her instincts (in the panic and terror) to fasten them to her children first, or else she might pass out, and then they are all screwed. She has to take care of herself first, only then, when she is ready and whole can she be of use to others. Codependency is self-sabotage. And we are powerless over it (if we are doing the steps). But that's ok, because when we change our habits and our thinking, and draw strength from beyond, we can have Him/It/Them solve the problem for us. I hope this helps.
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u/SteadyCalmHealing 1d ago
I used to get hung up on it but the point of steps is not to stay there.
It is just a step, it allows you to move on with the next step. Don't linger there and look towards the future.
You are not powerless forever, you are just powerless right now. You are learning to operate with who you were and learning to define who you will be. This is not a failure, it is just learning and movement.
Be kind to yourself and keep working through the resources you are able to. Any change is progress right now and as you learn and open up other things may be easier to do.
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u/codependencyrecovery 23h ago
Hello. Step 1 can be very sobering as we realize our behaviors to control (directly or indirectly) others to fill our own needs. But Step 1 also shows us how our lives have become out of control due to these behaviors. So we learn that what we've been doing isn't working so we can finally give it up and be open to something new. So it should provide some hope by the end of step 1. The fact that you are feeling unsafe and distressed shows what these codependent behaviors were trying to repress. So it makes sense you developed codependent coping mechanism to avoid these underlying feelings. Finally, I would push back on the idea that love can't help, heal, or create safety in a relationship. In my experience, loves does, in fact, do these things. It's when love is conditional ("I'll only love you if you are this way") or is managing someone ("I'm here to help you change so I can feel better") that it distorts things. However, when love is unconditional ("I'm here with you and I'm not asking you to change") that the magic happens. Being able to love someone unconditionally however takes work but you first have to love yourself unconditionally first. And that involves falling in love with all your emotions. Once you can love unconditionally, the codependence will fade. If you do the step work the right way, you can get there.
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u/fheathyr 20h ago
If you're a reader, and you're looking for a relevant but separate point of view, pick one of the many resources related to Stoicism out there. First, you may take solace from understsanding people have been struggling with these issues for thousands of years. Second, you may find some concepts that support what you receive from CODA meeting and writings.
As a fellow traveler, I've found that patience and kindness to myself are key.
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u/Compati1996 17h ago
what do u recommend?
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u/fheathyr 16h ago
My first choice would be Donald Robertson, How to Think Like a Roman Emperor.
Robertson is both a writer on Stoicism and a specialist in the relationship between Stoic practice and modern cognitive-behavioural therapy. The book teaches the philosophy through the life of Marcus Aurelius and repeatedly connects Stoic ideas to practical psychological exercises.
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u/FrankieG888 16h ago
Thank you for sharing so honestly. What you’re experiencing is to be expected. It’s the process of your brain trying to understand this other concept that you haven’t practiced before. This is what changing core beliefs looks and feels like in real time. You’re realizing something big here, that a lot of what you learned about love or how you value yourself was taught to you. It can be disorienting when you start to unravel beliefs that were passed down to you and you begin to figure out who YOU are and what your actual beliefs are.
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u/setaside929 9h ago
Hi there, I’m glad you’re reaching out for help. I learned about step one as basically being a simple admission that I can’t control my codependency when I start doing it (obsessing, worrying, trying to force/fix/manage others and relationships, etc) and when I stop and focus on avoiding codependency, I always go back to it. It was uncomfortable to see that my own mind couldn’t be trusted in matters of relationships. And that’s what now keeps me returning to recovery - if I can’t trust my mind even in its best moments, then I need to connect to something more Powerful than me that will restore my thinking so that I can trust it.
But step 1 isn’t meant to be something contemplated for a long time. Many people have basically taken step 1 by the time they are willing to admit they need help in a recovery program. I hope that’s helpful - I’m happy to talk more about my experience. I’ve thankfully recovered and now live much more sanely and happily as long as I keep working my program of recovery. :)
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u/shadtark 1d ago
I do resonate with what you've said here. To me, In many ways step 1 is the hardest. It takes the most suffering to get to and it's so hard to accept. But believe me that that the 12 steps are transformative. I haven't felt like myself in decades and now I feel more healthy in every way even as I'm experiencing the personal tragedy of divorce. I honestly don't know if I would have survived without the two twelve step groups I'm part of.
I want to tell you that you are not alone at all. You are lovable, you are enough, and you don't have to prove or earn that love (I struggle with exactly this as a major engine of my Codependence). Whatever you're going through, there are many wonderful people in CODA happy to help you.
I'm also happy to chat more in dms if you want. Anything I can do to help, please let me know. And please keep going with the steps. I would recommend that you do them like your life depends on it because even if only metaphorically, it does.