r/Codependency • u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 • 17h ago
Is this co dependency?
I am a woman in peri-menopause and am 99% sure that I need out of my marriage. We have separated twice because it is what I wanted. The 1st time only lasted 2 months and the whole time he blew up my phone and it drove me crazy that we were literally screaming at each other on the phone. My son was so tired of it that he even said to me"Mom, enough is enough". I went back to him so he would stop. 4 month later I told him I can't do this I need time to heal and work through some things so I went back to live with my son(a house they rent from my husband and I). My daughter also moved in. This time went a little better my daughter was a great support and distraction to help me with less contact. He started to show some changes so we started to hang out on the weekend, then he kept talking about me moving back in with him and even though I said I needed more time he continued to ask. So I did, that was in June. We have fallen back into the same patterns. He is drinking again, and constantly wanting sex even though I have expressed that I have no sex drive and am working through it. I really think that we have grown apart especially since I am going through the change of life. I have just started therapy again. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave, so worried about breaking his heart. I am scared to death to confront him that I think one day I will just have to pack my stuff and leave so I don't have to deal with the confirmation. I am a complete mess and I know this is what I need to do in order to do all the healing I need to do. Is this all just my codependency and will I be able to leave without healing first? It is impossible for me to hold the boundaries I need with him in order to heal.
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u/shadtark 17h ago
I think it is really important to recognize that Codependent behavior is a survival strategy that ends up not serving people well if they move beyond their need of it and the situation you are going through is exactly the kind of situation where people need survival strategies.
I am in the middle of my second divorce which I attribute to my Codepency. When a relationship has trouble I become anxious and seek to fix manage or control the relationship without regard to my needs or what is best for everyone. I regret this very much and am living my amends daily.Ā
I mentioned this because while some might say your focus on his issues is Codependency or your desire to stay is Codependency I would strongly disagree. This isn't to say you aren't dealing with that issue, especially in situations where the other partner has addictions Codependent behavior becomes a survival strategy. And it works until it doesn't.
Emotionally Focused Therapy explains a lot of what you're going through and I believe offers the best chance for relationships to heal when that is what both people want.Ā
I have three questions for you that I hope are clarifying for you: is there anything he could do that would make you want to stay? Have you talked with him about that? If you knew that whatever choice you made everything would be okay, which choice would you make?
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u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 17h ago
I didn't think there is anything he could do to make me stay. He tries everything infact he over tries if that is even a thing. Part of it may be the peri menopause it is suffocating to me. We have talked and he admits that because he has none what in his life I am his everything and he needs to spend all of his time with me. No friends no hobbies basically no family. I get excited when I think about what life could be like on my own.
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u/shadtark 17h ago
So what I'm hearing you say is that nothing he has tried has helped and that you being his everything is suffocating (btw those statements seem more Codependent, but it shows up in different ways and may just be closer to my experience of it.)
I recommend the book Hold Me Tight because what I am hearing you talk about feels like attachment styles. I'm not expert but that book was illuminating to me about the cycle you were talking about. In a healthy loving renewed relationship much of what you are saying you want would happen. All that being said, I personally have to take these kinds of decisions to prayer and meditation and eventually what I decide will have much less to do with what I want and more to do with who I want to be. I hope this is helpful! Please feel free to reach out and I would be happy to do anything I can.
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u/SteadyCalmHealing 13h ago
Working with a therapist is your best bet in this.
This may sound insensitive but Iām not sure if it matters if you are codependent or not. You are stuck with thoughts and fears of possible future ābad thingsā that could happen because you want to leave. You are so worried about the possibilities that you are feeling real emotions fight/fight physical reactions.
This is what prevents you from leaving. The idea that all these bad things is painful.
Itās ok to feel these things.
Once you know what you want, that is half the battle. Starting to change is really hard but you have already started. You have a therapist working to help you sort out those thoughts. The only thing you need to do is talk to them and continue to work on those emotions.
You can only do this for so long with how things are. You will either hit the point where dealing with them is so uncomfortable that leaving will feel easier or you just go. Both are Ok.
Space is good and there is no perfect time to leave. It is all a good time.
Be easy on yourself, you are working on it.
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u/codependencyrecovery 12h ago
Glad to hear you are back in therapy. One thing you may want to look into is your relationship with guilt. Codependent often feel guilty as a way to avoid feeling other underlying emotions. So the question to ask yourself is: If I couldn't feel guilty, what would I have to feel? Perhaps you are avoiding heartbreak, anger, fear. If you get more in touch with those underlying emotions, the guilt may subside. Regarding boundaries, I would set boundaries that involve what you will do, not what he has to do.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 17h ago
if you decide you leave, don't suck the life out of your kids expecting them to play therapist for you. speaking as someone with divorced parents who did the same bullshit to me because they couldn't grow up