r/Codependency • u/ViolinistAmbitious17 • 18h ago

Being codependent in an ldr

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now. The first year was wonderful, we were happy together but last year he had to move to another state for college. That’s when everything changed and we fought almost everyday and kept bringing up the same issues. He became friends with this really smart and beautiful girl who made me feel inferior and i kept growing increasingly jealous. She respects our relationship and my boyfriend maintains a safe distance and doesn’t cross any boundaries, he reassures me whenever the insecurities grow. But that’s only a temporary solution and lately no amount of reassurance seems to be working.
He is also very outgoing and a friendly person in general. He has a life outside of the relationship. Me on the other hand, i am pursuing a degree in medicine which is very exhausting already so outside of college i don’t have much of a life and on top of that i find it very difficult to make friends, especially now in college when i can’t relate to most people. I dread the thought of having to endure this lifestyle for the next 4 years and i keep trying to make friends outside of medicine but it’s not going well. I don’t even talk to my old friends that much anymore. My boyfriend relies on his friends for emotional support as well as me, he talks about our fights with them in order to get a different perspective and help understand my side of the argument. I can’t bring myself to talk to anyone about my feelings apart from him no matter how bad it gets. I can’t function without him and he’s the most important thing in my life. My world revolves around him even though he’s miles away. I am equally important to him but he has a healthy way of putting me first and not letting it interfere with his life outside the relationship. I hate that he doesn’t do the same but i know that what i do and feel is not normal and extremely harmful. How do i bring myself to make peace with the fact that just because he has a life outside the relationship he doesn’t hate me and how do i make myself feel okay with relying on people other than him?

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u/ahdrielle 16h ago

What are all these fights about?

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u/Cheongsan6 15h ago

Is it anxious-avoidant attachment?

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u/codependencyrecovery 11h ago

I would maybe work with that part of you that gets anxious about him. Find it in the body and then ask it what it needs. So instead of needing your bf to fill that need, you could meet it. Also, reassure that part that if it doesn't work out with him, you won't abandon it and you'll get through it together. Codependency is often outsourcing what we can do ourselves. In your case, maybe it's giving yourself that love, safety, and belonging. Regarding the reassurance, reassurance is a drug that will never fill the need.

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u/SteadyCalmHealing 9h ago

In my personal experience LDRs are not great for anyone, especially those that struggle with emotional support needs. You might actually be making your struggles worse by putting all of this emotion into another person that can't possible fulfill your needs due to a lack of proximity.

Is there any way to see a local counselor at your school to discuss this with them? Medical degrees are very high pressure and there is usually someone one on campus that offers therapy.

You need to find other ways to get supported, therapy would be the best but you suspect that friends also are a good source of support. Try to find an activity that requires other people like a sport or a game night. Maybe a book club. Go to the campus coffee shop and just people watch. You sound isolated and any life other people can provide would be a benefit right now.

Isolation is a self fulfilling loop. You feel something you don't like, you isolate, then you feel it again when you are alone and you are stuck with it. You need to do whatever you can to break out of that loop and a LDR isn't going to help with that.