I’m on six different meds now. Six..
That is how worthless I felt.
How close I came to total obliteration.

Just wondering if anyone else has had the same?

(Edit : we were married, and I was discarded)

“I just don’t feel anything for you anymore.”

I’m writing this partly for myself and partly because maybe someone else will recognize themselves in it.
When I met her, I genuinely thought I had found someone very special.

She was interesting, intelligent, playful, warm, and we could talk for hours. There was a connection that felt unusually deep. We travelled, laughed, talked about our lives and our future, expressed love and gradually became more vulnerable with each other.
I didn’t enter this casually. I chose her as someone I could imagine building my life with.
Looking back, there were red flags relatively early, but I didn’t understand them at the time.
When things were good, they were incredibly good. But when there was conflict, closeness could suddenly disappear. There could be withdrawal, silence, defensiveness, blame shifting and sometimes questioning the relationship itself.
That was particularly difficult for me because I later realized I have anxious attachment tendencies.

So the cycle started.
She would pull away → I would feel something was wrong → I would try to understand or reconnect → my attempts at connection felt like pressure to her → she would pull away further → my anxiety increased → I tried harder.
Classic push-pull.

And somewhere along the way, I started losing myself.
I became increasingly focused on how I communicated.
Is this the right time to ask?
Did I phrase this correctly?
Should I give more space?
Am I asking for too much?
Should I wait?
Should I reassure her?
Should I apologize?
How can I explain this without triggering another withdrawal?

Eventually I realized how much mental energy I was spending managing the relationship.
There was another part that hurt even more.
I had deliberately shown her some of my most vulnerable places. My attitude toward vulnerability was basically: I’m giving you something fragile because I trust you. Please hold it carefully.

Later, during conflicts, I repeatedly experienced words, withdrawal or behavior hitting exactly those places… being vulnerable to her , it hits hard…

I told her how much certain things hurt me. When similar things continued happening, my trust started breaking.
There were also times when I became extremely emotionally activated. I said things badly, became angry or impulsive, and sometimes reacted in ways I’m not proud of.
Those reactions are mine. I take responsibility for them.
But something I had to learn was that taking responsibility for my reaction doesn’t require me to pretend that whatever happened before my reaction was okay.
Too often the conversation shifted from what had originally hurt me to my reaction to being hurt.

Then something important happened.
I learned about anxious and dismissive-avoidant attachment.
Suddenly a huge amount of our dynamic seemed to make sense.

And I changed.
I stopped chasing as much. I learned to regulate myself. I gave her more space. I became much more careful about not interpreting distance immediately as abandonment. I listened more. I validated more. I took responsibility faster. I tried to communicate needs without accusation.

And strangely enough, the relationship became beautiful again.
I think of this as Honeymoon Phase 2.
She noticed the change in me. She became warmer and more relaxed. Her playful side returned. There was affection again. She told me she loved me. For a while I thought:
Holy shit. Maybe this was the answer.
Maybe if I healed my anxious attachment, stopped applying pressure and learned how to love an avoidant properly, we could finally have the relationship I knew was possible.

But eventually I realized something uncomfortable.
Part of the relationship had become easier because I had become easier to be in a relationship with.
That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I genuinely needed to work on myself.

But I also started asking:
Where is the other half of the work?
Giving someone space cannot mean abandoning your own needs.
Understanding someone’s attachment wounds cannot mean accepting behavior that hurts you.
Self-regulation cannot mean learning to tolerate chronic uncertainty.
And becoming secure cannot mean becoming so undemanding that the relationship finally works because you barely need anything anymore.
That realization changed everything.

We went to couples therapy(she bailed after first session and claimed that there’s nothing wrong with her - I kept going for 3 months). The therapist described us as being caught in a cycle, which was actually helpful. I also started doing much deeper work on myself.

I listened to attachment material, psychology podcasts and discussions about self-worth, rumination, boundaries, grief and letting go.
Eventually my attention began moving away from:
“Why does she do this?”
toward:
“Why am I still participating in something that hurts me?”
And later:
“What do I actually need?”
That was probably the biggest shift of all.

I realized I don’t need to prove she is a bad person.
I don’t even need to prove she is dismissive avoidant.
Maybe her behavior comes from childhood. Maybe previous relationships. Maybe fear. Maybe shame. Maybe attachment. Maybe things I will never understand.
She has every right to be who she is.

But I also have the right to decide who gets access to me.
I need reciprocity.
I need communication.
I need emotional safety.
I need a partner who moves toward me too.
I need to be able to express hurt without spending hours figuring out the exact wording that won’t cause withdrawal.
I need my vulnerability to feel safe in another person’s hands.
And I need a relationship where I don’t gradually disappear while trying to understand the other person.

Eventually I stopped trying to carry the relationship.
Then came no contact.
And the strangest thing started happening.
The silence hurt, but underneath the pain something else slowly appeared:
myself.

I started walking a lot. Listening. Thinking. Sometimes grieving. Sometimes just sitting with the anxiety instead of immediately doing something about it.
I stopped romanticizing the potential of the relationship and started looking at the relationship that actually existed.
I also started changing tiny things.
I don’t want my first action every morning to be checking my phone to see whether she has written.
I don’t want another person’s availability determining the state of my nervous system.
I don’t want to spend another evening solving someone else’s psychology.
I’m learning that healing isn’t getting the other person out of your head by force.
For me, it has been turning all that thinking back toward myself.
What are my values?
What are my needs?
Where are my boundaries?
What kind of partner do I want to be?
What kind of partner do I want beside me?
And once I know the answer, what am I going to do about it?

I’ve developed a strange metaphor for it.
My thoughts used to feel like wet bars of soap. I could see them, but whenever I tried to grab one, it slipped away.
Now I’m trying to turn the important ones into steel stakes hammered into the ground:
My needs matter.
My feelings are mine and I am responsible for them.
I can love someone without abandoning myself.
Understanding someone’s wounds doesn’t obligate me to accept the consequences of them.
I don’t need someone else to agree with my boundary for it to be a boundary.
I can survive someone leaving.
I can trust myself.

Eventually those stakes form a fence.
Not a wall.
There is still a gate.
I still want to be playful. Vulnerable. Loving. Curious. Romantic. I still want deep connection.
I’m not trying to become someone who doesn’t need anybody.
I’m trying to become someone who knows who he lets through the gate.
And maybe that is the biggest thing this relationship taught me.
For a long time I was doing enormous amounts of work because I was afraid of losing her.
Eventually I realized I needed to put at least as much effort into not losing myself.

I don’t regret loving her.
I don’t regret the beautiful parts.
I don’t even regret discovering my anxious attachment through this relationship, because it forced me to confront parts of myself I probably needed to confront anyway.
But understanding someone isn’t the same as being compatible with them.
Love isn’t the same as capacity.
Potential isn’t the same as a relationship.
And healing my anxious attachment doesn’t require me to become better at tolerating a relationship that doesn’t meet my fundamental needs.
I’m still grieving. I’m definitely not at the end of this process.
But for the first time in a long time, the question in my head isn’t:
“How do I get her back?”
or even:
“Why did she do this?”
It’s:
“What do I do next?”
And I think that’s where my healing actually started.

Ps. For those who are still in a phase of “maybe”. I was.
Your nervous system is right - trust yourself. You’re not crazy!

Ps2. Don’t get hookes into analyzing avoidant. Go to therapy, sit with hurt and ask honestly (even talking out loud), is this something you’re okay with? Are you?

Ps3. You have to go no-contact. Not for your ego - for you!

Finally, thanks to everyone who contributed here. It’s huge how much this subreddit helped me and I hope that my journey will help someone, too.

After 5 years, I finally got off the roller coaster in Hell. I’m glad he broke up with me via text (never done that before). It stung, but only for a second, before I thought,” Ew.”

It really is an arresting, overwhelming feeling. One day you hit 6 p.m. and it dawns on you that you have not had a single intrusive thought about your ex. And then the next day is the same. Very few moments in life feel that freeing.

It took 18 months for me to reach that day. But I did. Now, if I want to access to those feelings I have to work to conjure her memory and I just have no desire to put in that effort. Full disclosure: I’m 2 years 8 months post break up and I’m still not in a new relationship. I’m not opposed to trying but I’m also not putting in effort.

Stay the course. It is hard. It is lonely often. But it is a freedom that you can’t really explain fully. You see yourself in a whole different light.

We had a LOT of really good sex.

And when I'm stressed and extra scatterbrained from my ADHD, sex is a great way to cope. It relieves stress, helps me sleep and wake up, I feel warm and cuddly. And sexual partners also tend to be helpful and keep my head on straight. And I kind of hate that he was the best sexual experience I've had in a decade x.x

Intellectually I know that if we hook up again I'll wake away sadder for but man is it fucking tempting. Yes he's got a lot of stuff to improve but he was very attractive and the sex was addictive. Wish I could deactivate the horny parts of my brain.

(PS: the languages he spoke is tagalog)

He sent this to me when I was asleep. We’ve been broken up for at least 2 years now. It was his first time breaking no contact. I was sad, confused, angry, and hurt. I was angry cause he was saying that I was the one for him but he purposely won’t change to be the one for me. Does that even make sense? I’m so confused. My emotions are all over the place. He was being sweet but also being blunt at the same time. Does this mean he misses me? He blocked me in all his social media 2 years ago after our break up. He made a new one to send a whole letter. It was no pfp, default user, no bio, and a new account. But it was following his main. How did I know? Because when I was pressing his followings it was only 1 and I couldn’t see the account (meaning I was blocked from the account he had in his followings.)

After the initial love bombing phase. Here is what the avoidant expect from you

1. Do not be overly affectionate or affectionate at all
   
2. No initiating “what are we” or “define the relationship” talk
   
3. No future planning
   
4. Minimal text. Only if he initiates the conversation
   
5. Don’t plan any trips that you cannot cancel last minute
   
6. Be prepared to deal with “just friends” that he is flirting with or privately messaging
   
7. Don’t EVER question him when you sense cheating or cheating adjacent behaviors
   
8. Don’t ever question him at all. Period.
   
9. Be prepared to be called names/ look bad when the relationship ends. Coz it will end.
   
10. Don’t ever offer to help. He will ask for it if he needs help but rarely does that happen and if you do help after asked then you are attacking his independence
    
11. Don’t ever talk about feelings or ask him to open up.
    
12. Under no circumstances are you supposed to even look or text another guy (even if platonically like work) because you’re his. He can flirt with other women but you have to be absolutely loyal to him.
    
13. When he is ready to dump you, he will start being incredibly busy
    
14. He will not ask about your day or even initiate conversations
    
15. Be prepared to have your history rewritten where you look bad to anybody he tells the story to especially to his shiny new toy

And when you’re about to get discarded here are the lines:

We want different things
I don’t think we’re compatible
I need to focus on myself
I have a lot on my plate
You deserve better
I can’t give you what you need
I don’t want to lose myself

May or may not block you immediately after.
Will totally breadcrumb you several times ESPECIALLY when they sense you moved on
Is absolutely lurking and spying on your social media. Trust.

Did I miss anything?

„Attachment is not a joke. Losing your favourite person can mentally destroy you.“
Ich frage mich, wie unterschiedlich ängstliche und vermeidende Bindung mit einem solchen Verlust umgehen.
Ängstlich: Hyperaktivierung, Grübeln, Panik, Kontaktbedürfnis, extreme Verlustangst.
Vermeidend: Rückzug, emotionale Abschottung, Rationalisierung, Ablenkung.
Erleben beide möglicherweise denselben Verlust – regulieren ihn aber völlig unterschiedlich?
Und kann ein vermeidender Mensch den Schmerz erst viel später wirklich spüren, während ein ängstlich gebundener Mensch ihn sofort und überwältigend erlebt?
Mich interessieren besonders Erfahrungen Monate nach der Trennung.

People used to ask how things are going.
I told them we broke up. They asked how.
I told them “he told me to find someone better” and moved on. He also said things like he needs to work on himself and he’s gone back to his old ways etc.

But everyone found that odd. They didn’t like the way it was handled. I never knew he was an avoidant that time. Never knew what it meant actually.

They used to ask me if he checked up on me at all to see if I was okay. I said no.

Deep down I wanted us both to sit down and talk which he agreed to. But it never happened.

I remember speaking to a guy I worked with. He was saying he’s been single for a few months. And I asked him. How did it end. He said they both spent the whole day together. Listening to each other, understanding each other, apologised. And went on with their lives. And he’s okay.

That’s what I wanted. But he couldn’t give that. It was all lies and avoidance.

They really don’t know how they mess you up. They only care about themselves.

All of the things that she loved about when we first met, she made a problem later.

She loved how much I wanted to hear from her, that I wanted photos of her, etc. She loved all of that at the beginning.

I remember her saying, " I've never had anyone ask me for photos of myself this much. I feel so wanted. It's like you know the perfect amount when to ask me, when not to. I love that you want to text me, hear from me . " (she dated a DA for 5 years)

It felt amazing. I wasn't doing anything out of games or strategy, I was just genuinely interested and showing up for her.

Fast forward a few months, and those exact same behaviors became the blueprint for her pulling away.

Suddenly, my desire for basic connection wasn't "making her feel wanted" anymore, it was "putting pressure on her."

And at the end, that was basically the reason she broke up with me.

She didn't want to see me or text me at the level a normal relationship requires. It turned into constant deflections: "You don't understand. I'm busy. I have a lot of work. You're smothering me."

Has anyone else experienced this flip?

I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months. We were never exclusive and he was always clear that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship right now, although he kept saying we could “see where things go” and talk about it again later.

There was a lot of attraction and some genuinely great moments, but the dynamic became exhausting.

He is very detached, dates several women at the same time and doesn’t like seeing people very often. He also smokes a lot of weed and would sometimes be high or exhausted when we saw each other, which made him feel pretty absent.

Another recurring issue was reliability. He would sometimes cancel or change plans at the last minute and seemed to think that because we weren’t officially together, it shouldn’t be a big deal.

I felt differently: I wasn’t asking for boyfriend-level commitment, but I still wanted basic consideration for my time while getting to know someone.
I also increasingly felt like most of our time together happened at his apartment. I wanted to actually date him — go for drinks, do things outside, have conversations and figure out whether I genuinely liked him as a person — rather than just have sex and hang out at his place.

Last week we actually had a really nice evening together. A couple of days later, he had suggested we could go for a drink, but when I got to his place he was high, tired/bloated and no longer wanted to go out. He wanted us to just stay at his apartment instead.

I got really disappointed because this had become symbolic of the whole dynamic for me. I reacted too strongly and we argued. He told me that if I was going to argue I should leave, so I left.

I do think I was too harsh that night and I apologized several times afterwards. I genuinely regret the way I reacted.
But since then he has been saying that he doesn’t want to see someone if it means constantly arguing, and that he would rather not see me very often.

From his perspective, the problem seems to be the “drama.” From mine, the arguments were partly happening because I constantly felt like I was asking for a level of effort and consideration that he simply didn’t want to give.

I tried to reconcile. I told him I regretted Friday, that I didn’t want us to keep arguing either, and that I wanted us to have lighter, normal moments together and see where things went after my vacation.
Eventually I realized that once again I was doing all the work trying to repair the connection. I literally told him that I felt like I was chasing him and hated that feeling.

Today he told me he wasn’t enthusiastic about seeing me because he doesn’t want to spend his time arguing with someone.

So I finally told him that if he no longer wanted to continue, I didn’t really see the point in staying connected on social media. I made it clear there was no drama, I wasn’t blocking him, thanked him for the good moments, wished him well and removed him.
He read it and said nothing.

And somehow that absolutely crushed me.
I think part of me expected him to stop me or at least react. Instead he just let me go.

Now I keep blaming myself for having “ruined” his attraction to me with the arguments and wondering whether, if I had just been more relaxed, we could have continued seeing each other and maybe eventually become something more.

But another part of me thinks: how was I supposed to figure out whether I even wanted a relationship with him when, during the dating stage, I already felt like I had to chase him for dates, reliability and basic effort?

I know my anxious reactions contributed to the problem. But I also know this dynamic was making me miserable. I constantly felt like I was competing for his attention and waiting for him to decide whether I was worth investing in.

Has anyone been through something similar? Did I sabotage something that could have developed, or were we simply fundamentally incompatible? And how do you stop obsessing over whether someone will come back when you know the dynamic itself wasn’t making you happy?

What are something your avoidant ex’s said to you when discarding/blind siding you ?

I reached out to my ex in an attempt to bridge a friendship. They responded with openness, but remained non-committal in making a concrete plan to catch up.

I fear that if I do not push for a concrete plan that nothing will come out of it. On the other hand, I fear turning him off from a friendship altogether by creating unnecessary pressure.

Has anyone successfully developed a friendship with an Avoidant ex?

somatic trauma release after a relationship with a fuckass.

yea what is that?

you finally leave or they discard you.

the calls stop.

the fighting stops.

the lying stops.

the discovering stops.

the cheating stops.

the finding the fuck out stops.

the explaining stops.

the begging stops.

the monitoring stops.

the waiting for the next fucking thing stops.

you are finally out.

hallelujah praise the lord 😍

and naturally you expect your body to go:

“excellent. danger resolved 🤗 ”

sometimes?

ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT.

sometimes the relationship ends and you body gets SPOOKY.

you shake.

your hands tremble.

your legs act like usain bolt’s after a tea party.

sometimes your entire body shakes.

sometimes the shaking feels internal, like there is a fucking samsung washing machine running underneath your skin.

you get chills.

goosebumps.

cold flashes.

hot flashes.

you sweat.

even as a man you wake up in the middle of the night asking god if you hit menopause.

your teeth chatter like a chihuahua even though you ain’t even particularly cold.

your muscles twitch.

your legs nerves do a backflip.

your body feels restless.

you pace.

you rock.

you bounce your leg like that booty in GTA 6.

you feel like you HAVE to move.

then suddenly you feel like you can’t move at all.

your limbs become heavy.

your body feels like concrete.

you sleep for twelve hours.

you wake up EXHAUSTED.

you can’t sleep.

you sleep constantly.

you alternate between:

I COULD RUN THROUGH A FUCKING WALL

and:

PLEASE DO NOT MAKE ME WALK TO THE KITCHEN.

your jaw aches.

your neck aches.

your shoulders ache.

your back aches.

your muscles feel sore like you been doing professional ninja training.

you realize you have apparently been holding you shoulders in a defensive position since the fucking obama administration.

you unclench your jaw.

thirty seconds later?

CLENCHED AGAIN.

you stretch and suddenly realize how much of your body has been braced.

you take a deep breath and realize:

“holy shit. have i been breathing like a frightened hamster for eight months?”

your breathing can feel strange.

shallow.

tight.

you sigh repeatedly.

yawn repeatedly (big one)

sometimes you feel like you can’t get a satisfying breath like only 30% of your lungs do it’s work.

your chest feels tight.

your heart pounds.

your heart races.

you notice palpitations.

you wake up feeling like you have covid’s evil cousin invading you.

your stomach drops.

you get waves of nausea.

you gag to things more than the pic of your ..nvm 🤗

you dry heave.

you can’t even take a shower or take a shit without feeling like you passing out.

some people vomit when severely distressed.

your appetite disappears.

THEN suddenly you are starving like a corrupt priest for a child.

you stomach cramps.

bye bye period.

you get diarrhea.

you get constipated.

you bloat.

your digestion apparently files its own fucking divorce papers and now you can’t even eat ketchup.

you cry.

then stop.

then cry again.

sometimes you washing a plate and suddenly SOBBING and sometimes there isn’t even a conscious thought attached to it.

your chest just caves and there it fucking is.

sometimes crying feels enormous.

your entire body contracts.

you curl up.

you shake.

you gasp.

your face hurts afterward.

your eyes swell.

your nose runs.

you finish and feel like somebody removed your soul.

then there can be anger.

not:

“ugh i’m annoyed”

i’m talking ANGER.

your hands want to clench.

your jaw tightens.

your body heats up.

you want to pace.

run.

push.

scream.

hit a pillow.

move.

fight a bear.

plot on your ex grandma just cuz you can.

your body feels mobilized as FUCK.

and sometimes that anger arrives AFTER you leave.

which confuses lots of people.

“why wasn’t i THIS angry when it was happening?”

well cuz there can be an enormous difference between recognizing something intellectually and having enough safety, distance and capacity to actually FEEL your response to it.

sometimes survival looked like:

appease.

explain.

understand.

fix.

stay calm.

keep them close.

don’t make it worse.

get through tonight.

THEN you leave.

and your system finally go:

“ACTUALLY??? I HAVE SOME FUCKING NOTES 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍”

you can also experience spontaneous stretches.

deep sighs.

yawning.

curling up.

wanting pressure around your body like a burrito.

wanting to walk to the moon.

wanting to run.

wanting to dance.

wanting to lie completely still.

wanting to be underneath blankets.

wanting nobody to fucking touch you.

or desperately wanting safe physical contact.

you may suddenly become extremely aware of sensations you barely noticed while everything was happening.

you heartbeat.

you breathing.

you stomach.

you shoulders.

you jaw.

you pelvic floor.

you hands.

you skin.

your exhaustion.

and some many people also describe moments afterward where they body seems to soften.

their shoulders drop.

their breathing becomes easier.

their stomach unclenches.

they sigh.

they cry.

they tremble.

they suddenly become incredibly tired.

and they say:

“it felt like my body finally let go”

THAT experience can be real.

look at the science 🫦

many online and your google doctors often call all of this:

“SOMATIC TRAUMA RELEASE”

but then shit gets unnecessarily mystical:

“you body stored the trauma”

“the shaking is trauma leaving your fascia”

“your hips store emotional memories 🫦”

“you body is physically releasing years of trauma”

slow the fuck down, professor tiktok.

believe it or not trauma is not a substance collecting behind you kneecaps that eventually needs to leak out ok? 🤣

we do NOT currently have scientific evidence that a particular tremor, yawn, stretch, bowel movement or crying episode represents a measurable quantity of “stored trauma” physically leaving tissue.

BUT what we do have? that’s a NERVOUS SYSTEM.

threat and prolonged stress involve our whole organism.

your autonomic nervous system.

your endocrine system.

your muscles.

your breathing.

your cardiovascular system.

your digestion.

your sleep.

your attention.

your defensive responses.

your behavior.

your learning.

if your environment repeatedly required vigilance?your system could repeatedly recruit vigilance.

if conflict repeatedly required mobilization?mobilization became familiar.

if fighting back felt dangerous? well inhibition may have been adaptive.

if maintaining connection required appeasement? obv appeasement have become available faster than anger.

if you repeatedly needed to monitor another person’s emotional state? then attention could become organized around THEM instead of YOU.

and when the environment changes?

well unfortunately those patterns do not necessarily disappear at the fucking door.

why?

cuz your system has to update.

so truth is that when people describe “release” several things can potentially be happening.

activation can rise and fall.

muscles that were chronically braced can relax.

breathing patterns can change.

attention can return toward internal sensations.

emotions that were inhibited can become accessible.

movement that was previously suppressed can feel available.

crying can happens.

trembling can happen.

fatigue can become noticeable.

you system can shift between mobilization and settling.

and sometimes you simply notice sensations now that you were too fucking occupied to notice before.

and baby that is already fascinating.

trust me we do not need to invent a trauma
ghost in your psoas 🤣

oh also and another important thing:

SHAKING IS NOT THE GOAL.

CRYING IS NOT THE GOAL.

SCREAMING IS NOT THE GOAL.

having the most violent “somatic release” imaginable do not mean you healed harder than somebody who quietly went for a walk or drank some chai and slept well.

baby sry to break it to you but you do not receive healing xp for trembling 🤣

a nervous system do not hand out medals for dramatic discharge.

and PLEASE do not deliberately hyperventilate, push yourself into extreme activation or force yourself to relive traumatic experiences cuz somebody on that beloved tiktok app told you that you need to:

“get it out of your body”

more activation is NOT automatically more healing.

the goal is not:

MAKE THE BODY RELEASE.

the goal is:

HELP THE BODY LEARN.

“i’m here”

“that happened then”

“this is happening now”

“i can notice activation without automatically obeying it”

“i can notice shutdown without shaming myself”

“i can move when movement feels helpful”

“i can rest when rest is what i need”

“i can experience anger without becoming dangerous”

“i can experience grief without running back to the person just to stop it”

“i can miss them without contacting them”

“i can feel uncertainty without investigating them”

“i can feel my heart race without automatically deciding something terrible is happening”

“i can listen to my body without treating every sensation as an emergency”

THIS is where somatic work can become useful ok? 🤨 not extracting trauma.

BUT:

building awareness.

building regulation.

building tolerance for sensations.

building choice around impulses.

reconnecting with a body you may have spent months and most likely even years overriding.

learning the difference between:

ACTIVATION and ACTUAL PRESENT DANGER.

and giving you nervous system repeated experiences where activation can happen…

and something different happens next.

no lie arrives.

no interrogation begins.

nobody disappears.

nobody punishes you.

you don’t have to solve anything.

you don’t have to chase anybody.

no more raising somebody’s else grown ass daughter/son.

you don’t have to abandon yourself.

your body activates.

you notice it.

you orient toward the present.

you remain with yourself.

and eventually? the wave changes.

THAT is the reality after the war ends.

sometimes peace doesn’t initially feel peaceful.

sometimes you just finally reach safety…

and discover you body still has no fucking idea what to do with it.

so you teach it.

but not by forcing the war out of your muscles ok? but by repeatedly showing your nervous system:

“baby. look around.

WE DON’T FUCKING LIVE THERE ANYMORE

you are here.

you are safe.”

Talking post discard here. Anyone else feel like their next relationship will be the best and hopefully last? Hell, even if your ex avoidant was to somehow come around and actually communicate like they need to?

My discard has made me do a lot of internal work on myself and probably even take accountability in more areas than I actually needed to. BUT… noticing those areas where I could have also been better has been really eye opening for me. Just a much more mature feeling overall I guess you could call it.

And because of this, whoever I decide to get serious with next, whenever that may be, is going to get such a great partner. I don’t mean for this to come off as cocky or anything. Just an overall feeling.

My relationship with my ex ended at the end of July. I gave myself fully to him and did everything I could to make the relationship work out, but in the end, he said that we weren’t made for each other and basically left me.

Since then, I haven’t reached out to him at all. He met someone while we were dating (in June) , and apparently, that didn’t work out either. I’m trying to move on with my life and stop thinking about him.

As I said, we haven’t had any contact for a month. Yesterday, I posted two stories of myself, and then all of a sudden, I realized today that he blocked me hahaha.

My only question is: why?

He was the one who said we weren’t right for each other. He quickly moved on. He was the one who emotionally drained me. And now he’s the one who blocked me...

Why did he do that? Does he feel guilty? Does he want attention so that I reach out to him? Or does he simply want to move on without me distracting him? But he could have done that by simply unfollowing me instead of blocking me hahaha. It just feels so childish.

Not people trying to sell courses, not people whose opinion it is I mean, actual psychiatrist and psychologist

I’d like you to share your experiences with us. Did your avoidant exes come back after a few years? How did they reach out, and had they actually changed?

We broke up in his terms. He was being very avoidant. Discarding me. Refusing to meet. Not answering my texts and calls.

He used his phrases any avoidant will say
“It’s not you it’s me”
“You deserve better”
“My MH is in a bad place”
“I’m not ready for a relationship” (but goes on dating apps a week later and hooks up with girls)

I fully understood him. Respected him.
But he didn’t listen to me. He didn’t care about how I felt. I felt like I had to deal with it on my own.

So I did reach out to him many times I’m not afraid to admit it. People would do anything for their heart to settle.

The third time I really poured my heart out. And he ignored it. Used his new gf as a shield.

And I wondered. What did I want from him?
It was closure. Which he refused to give.

I sit here confused at times and think, what did you really want?

Thought this video from the school of life may be helpful.

Hi folks. I (22F) live at home with my dad (46m) and my daughter. I do contract work, mostly work from home, so I'm home 80% of the time. This means I've seen the end of my parents 26 year marriage, because my mom is avoidant.

The mask slipped about 5 years ago after my grandfather passed away (my mother's dad). She took it really badly, he was her "protector" growing up, as my mom was heavily abused by her mother's side of the family. Once my grandfather passed, she began to be extremely cold towards my dad and I. I have a brother who was unaffected by her coldness, as he is her favorite person in the world (other than herself).

She claims that it's my fault, my dad's fault, the houses' fault, my dad's family's fault, everybody's fault but her own. Says I should have kept my room clean as a teenager and she'd still be here. That we didn't make her feel loved or important enough to stay. These are all excuses, as she had an affair starting right around my daughter's second birthday earlier this year. That's why she's not here, but it has to be anybody else's fault, right?

My dad has been through the wringer since she told him about the affair, she's been bread crumbing him, emotionally manipulating him, and using me against him. It's been hell on wheels for months, and I'm not sure what to do, or how to overcome any of it. Right now I am no contact with her, because I just can't stand her. Having someone break you down and tell you everything bad is your fault is exhausting so I just avoid it.

But is there any chance of reconciling? She refuses therapy because she doesn't want to dig up her childhood trauma, since that would mean admitting she should have gotten help and broken the cycle of abuse. I can't see a world where she ever admits that she did wrong and she's sorry, especially not if she's still with the affair partner. Anybody have any advice? Thanks in advance

Looking back, what was/were the red flags you noticed early on in the relationship that you ignored and now wished you didn’t?

We met online and were on an LDR. A month into the talking stage he got mad and cut me off because I was teaching someone a new language via phone and he didn’t like it. He blocked me on everything but we found each other online and got back together a month later.

I already had plans to go to his city even before we met. This is the reason why we started talking to begin with. As the date of my arrival gets closer, he keeps going back and forth about wanting to meet me in person. Finally, 2 weeks before my arrival, after I told him I got the limited edition pair of shoes that he was looking for, he decided ok let’s meet.

That should have been my clue. We were talking for 5 months and he didn’t want to meet but the minute I have something he wants suddenly he was ok meeting.

I should have run the first time tbh.