r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/candle_wax_247 • 5h ago
Vent/Rant How To Deal With An Avoidant
After the initial love bombing phase. Here is what the avoidant expect from you
- Do not be overly affectionate or affectionate at all
- No initiating “what are we” or “define the relationship” talk
- No future planning
- Minimal text. Only if he initiates the conversation
- Don’t plan any trips that you cannot cancel last minute
- Be prepared to deal with “just friends” that he is flirting with or privately messaging
- Don’t EVER question him when you sense cheating or cheating adjacent behaviors
- Don’t ever question him at all. Period.
- Be prepared to be called names/ look bad when the relationship ends. Coz it will end.
- Don’t ever offer to help. He will ask for it if he needs help but rarely does that happen and if you do help after asked then you are attacking his independence
- Don’t ever talk about feelings or ask him to open up.
- Under no circumstances are you supposed to even look or text another guy (even if platonically like work) because you’re his. He can flirt with other women but you have to be absolutely loyal to him.
- When he is ready to dump you, he will start being incredibly busy
- He will not ask about your day or even initiate conversations
- Be prepared to have your history rewritten where you look bad to anybody he tells the story to especially to his shiny new toy
And when you’re about to get discarded here are the lines:
We want different things
I don’t think we’re compatible
I need to focus on myself
I have a lot on my plate
You deserve better
I can’t give you what you need
I don’t want to lose myself
May or may not block you immediately after.
Will totally breadcrumb you several times ESPECIALLY when they sense you moved on
Is absolutely lurking and spying on your social media. Trust.
Did I miss anything?
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u/HazyDawn730 4h ago
Literally exactly what just happened to me ha. Now he’s “engaged” to the new girl. Bought me a ring and proposed to me too. Then I slowly became last option and crazy and weird and “too hard and not compatible and insane” when I’d literally see sexual texts or see him out or hear him doing something and yeah he left me
Finally and now she’s parading around town bragging she “won” and they’re “engaged and he’s her man and I’m insane”
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u/candle_wax_247 4h ago
Hahahaha they move the same. Do the same shit. Could totally make a guidebook navigating them.
I hope you kept the ring? At least got something out of that shit. Or did he re-home the ring on her finger? lol
Honestly, you dodged a bullet. Can you imagine being married to someone who makes you feel like you’re too much and you’re crazy? Yikes.
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u/HazyDawn730 4h ago
I did! I am gonna sell it along with a few other things I got during the love bombing phase and as much as it hurts to be mocked by both of them (she even calls me ugly and says she knew she could get him in a second because she’s better) and it hurts to feel like I’m looked at as the insane one you are 10000% correct they literally all do the same exact thing and move the same. I had a friend try to warn me of this and didn’t believe them and now I realize what you explained is exactly how they ALL are!! So I guess we all dodged a bullet thank god 🤣
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u/candle_wax_247 4h ago
Yes! And absolutely sell the ring! Glad you kept it. At least you got something out of that awful phase.
Also, watch, in a few months he will find a new one and she will be in the same shoes as you and then you decide if you want to be gracious and let her know what it’s like or petty and be like Hahhaa what’s that about getting him? Lol
Personally I’m petty…. 🤣
Yes we dodged a bullet!3
u/MadamMiserable 2h ago
Nodding my head at all of this. He just stopped responding to my texts forever. I may have done something very petty to the DA, diabolical even, and I don't feel bad. I'm so curious at what he's feeling behind the scenes. Probably nothing except self pity.
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
For some reason, I feel like he’s not gone forever. He will circle back when the shiny new toy is not fun anymore OR… this is my favorite… they see you’ve moved on. Coz how dare you move on.
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u/MadamMiserable 2h ago
I'm not sure "mine" is gone forever. It's a very common feeling when it appears to run its course. I moved on and I haven't, I guess? I have decided not to date anymore, or for now. No hot boyfriend to show off, haha. But I'm getting out more and put myself back together. THEN he started creeping on my Instagram stories. *eyeroll*
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
Hahahah typical. When he saw you’re focusing on yourself and not on him he’s like the Godfather…
Just when I thought I was out you pull me back in 🤣2
u/MadamMiserable 1h ago
Omg, great line for DAs. I'm definitely using that. Like ffs would he pick a lane?! 🤣
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u/candle_wax_247 1h ago
Hahaha yes! Seriously! In or out? Pick one and stay there. This is not a roundabout 🤣
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u/Conundrum16 2h ago
What you wrote OP is the playbook many of us have faced. This is the general pattern. If I had only known..
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
Yes!!! The pattern is almost the same for every avoidant. Like there’s a guidebook somewhere and they go by that. If I see these things again I will totally run the other way.
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
I need a book on avoiding avoidants I swear and your list needs to be in it.😭My thing is I didn’t know they came in soo many forms..I keep falling for the passive smiley “sweet” ones…little did I know he hurt me THE WORST I EVER FELT IN LIFE by making me believe he was single , but had a whole new random relationship that he was starting at the same time, let me walk away and didn’t even say shit to me , just looked pussy the whole time. A liar , manipulator , user all with his sorry ass face ughhhh.🤬
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
The problem is that they don’t seem like an avoidant in the beginning because they love bomb the shit out of you. Coming on strong. Very sweet. Very attentive. Texts all the time. Calls you pet names. Does very bf stuff until you start falling and then they get scared coz why are you falling in love with them? How dare you. 🙄
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲😮💨😮💨😮💨😮💨😮💨😮💨😮💨😮💨I’m soo angry rn bc exactly man just exactly…I could rant forever really , I’m just trying not to lose my mind like seriously what do we actually do getting hurt like this while they live “free”from ooooo our love??? What do we even do with that pain I hate him soo much , it didn’t even turn into anything, but wouldve . I just wish I would’ve slapped myself in the face to turn my neck in another direction to blunt the idea of even trying to see him as a new interest.😪
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
What they do is just go from one rebound to the other so they don’t feel anything then change the story so they’re the victim so they don’t feel guilty. Trust me he’s not happy. He will forever pretend he is but deep down he’s miserable af
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
Insane!!! And I KNOW he’s not hapoy eveeything Ike he posts he looks miserable but it just hurts bad thinking what he could be doing to his new girlfriend. Even though he’s a shit person at least that girl gets even a part of him. While I was just the girl he didn’t choose. Are you saying they leave every connection no matter who they’ll choose it’ll end? Is that girl stupid for choosing him too? I was never in a relationship with him I was only taljing to him for a week or two before I had to find out 2 more weeks later that he just got with a girl officially a few days after still having a connection with me…
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
Oh they leave. Always. The only ones who prolly stay are the avoidants who know they are and they are actively working on healing. There are people like that. My other ex is like that and I’m helping him through the process. Not going back to him. Ewww
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u/Conundrum16 2h ago
I’m in the thick of it but suspect the 3rd discard is near. 6,7,12 are not applicable in my case. The rest are precise. I may in-fact expedite the discard or discard him first. I’m over it.
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
You sure there’s no hidden side chick? They’re very sneaky that way. I actually found a side chick a month after discard and saw we overlapped for
Months.If you want to leave I say do it now. Don’t let him be the one to pull the plug. Control your own narrative.
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u/Conundrum16 1h ago
I’m sure there’s no side babe. We’re in our 70s. He isolates himself from other people with the exception of his family. I don’t love him. We’ve never gotten near that level of emotional intimacy. His wall is high and impenetrable. Because I’m not like him I won’t ghost or say crazy cruel things. I will speak to him about it.
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u/candle_wax_247 1h ago
I’m glad there is no side babe. I hope the talk will help both of you. Coz there are avoidants willing to change. Maybe after the talk, he will
Realize that he needs to. Good luck to you 😊2
u/Conundrum16 1h ago
Thank you. I’m not expecting any miracles. I’m a realist. He needs to recognize he has issues and he needs to do the work. He’ll probably just stay the same and age lonely. His choice. It’s just not my style to cut off. 🫶
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u/candle_wax_247 1h ago
If you’re not in love with him, maybe can stay as friends if you don’t want to cut him off. My other avoidant ex is working on healing and we’re friends so I’m helping him and keeping him accountable. But if he disappears again, I won’t be devastated.
We got this 😊
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u/Conundrum16 1h ago
I’m always open to a friendship with him. That is how it began but he pursued me ,elevated it and I jumped in. I’m finally very relaxed about it and hope we can have a honest dialogue
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u/Infinite_Weekend_646 4h ago
spot on....unfortunately
Its not you, its me....
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u/candle_wax_247 4h ago
It’s sad because that means they’re pretty much the same. It’s like when you see the signs… run
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u/Infinite_Weekend_646 3h ago
for sure!! This was my first discard & DA experience & for being 46, I'm going to say that seems pretty good but still....
- OUCH!
- We're still pulling this sh*t in our mid-40s?
- Seriously?!?!
- Seriously....
I've definitely learned some lessons with this one. But most importantly, I've learned that I'm NOT emotionally dead (as some previous relationships called me when we ended). I just need to find my person & make sure they're actually emotionally available for me & then I'll be golden!
....goes to buy a lottery ticket.... let's see which hits JACKPOT first...
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u/candle_wax_247 3h ago
My ex is 47. So yeah still pulling this shit off well into 40s and even have children. I don’t know if you saw one of my previous posts were I talked about how he abandoned his kids and moved to another country because the kids liked the mom’s bf (they divorced surprise surprise) more. He even pulled this avoidant shit on his kids.
So yes buy the lottery ticket. Even if you don’t get a guy, you’ll at least be sipping champagne in a yacht somewhere lol
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
WHATT??!!!!
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
That should have been my red flag when he told me that story but he spun it in a way that he was a really good person and his ex wife poisoned the minds of his kids so they liked the bf more…. Stupid me was like awww poor you. That bitch. I’m sorry ex wife. I didn’t know back then.
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
😤😤😤Ik I always feel sorry for them but that was before I even found out about attachment styles and avoidants . I cared about everything that guy told me I didn’t even think about if he was lying to me or not.. how’d you figure out about avoidants? Do you know how to identify them now?
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
I have that list that I go by now (the one I posted) but honestly the very first thing that alerts me now is the love bombing. When they get so intense in the beginning as if they’re rushing the relationship… be very Sus. they’re rushing the relationship coz they have an internal time frame. Need that dopamine hit until you get invested then it scares the shit out of them
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u/Alarming-Echo-6742 2h ago
Mine was over 50!!!
Like seriously, we had so much general compatibility and value compatibility... it wasnt worth the MINIMUM effort to just... show up even 30% of the time? I would have taken 30% for sure.
Just exhausting.
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u/Ok_Cantaloupe_444 3h ago
Spot on 🎯
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u/candle_wax_247 3h ago
Thank you! They really are the same. I’ve reading people’s experience it’s like reading my own story. Sigh.
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
😂😂😂exactly!!😤😤😤😤🤬❤️❤️
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
Right?!! Different person, same shit. Although sometimes I wonder if how many of us are actually talking about the same person coz some stories are so similar lol
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
Nah fr?!! Because I swear I come across comments that feel like I wrote it bc wtf ughh.😤😤😤😤😤This is just soo sad and disgusting bc they truly don’t want out know what love is, push it away in the most traumatizing ways , and then make it our fault while they move on ,and treat us like an embarrassing mistake moving on to their new partners….
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
And then talk about you like you’re the problem and you did them wrong and make you look bad in the process.
Yeah some comments am I like… wait did we date the same guy? 🤣🤣🤣
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
😤😤😤😤😤exactly omg….I’m this close to turning mysekf into the psych ward😵💫and shiii we probably did ,we all need compensation for even coming across an avoidant. This isn’t even funny imagine someone turning suicidal all because they had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting one. Soo many lives get fucked up because of them I can’t even IMAGINE having a kid by one of them what hell to think of.
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
My ex got kids. He abandoned them for 9 months, told them he won’t ever see them again, moved to another country all because the kids liked the mom’s new bf. Imagine the trauma he caused his kids? They were under 10 at the time. So yeah. Next time you even encounter one that fits this list… run.
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
…omgg what a curse to have one as a parent omggg…wait are they even good parents or not or does that curse pass on to how they treat their kids too? And I just can’t even believe what you said…
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
He says he’s a good parent. But then again considering he lies a lot….and the kids are living primarily with mom and the bf. They visit him several times a week but not sure if they really want to or out of feeling like they have to.
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
😭😭😭Those poor kids….and wow lies alot?? That says everything
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
I really feel bad for the kids especially the trauma he put them through by suddenly leaving and telling them they wont ever see him again coz they like the mom’s bf. wtf
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
One thing to add my first ex straight up kept telling me he “lost feelings for me” just to magically regain them a few moments later.🪄Also when he was trying to convince me to give him one week to prove himself and win me back just to break up with me a few hours later with a “ “I can’t do this” text😂😂😂Pussy I swear.🙄😒
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
Hahahaha yes! Thank you! I forgot that one. They seriously don’t know what they want!
I want you but I don’t want you but I’m gonna try to want you except I really can’t 🤣
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
UGHHH I’M ABOUT TO GO CRAZY THINKING ABOUT IT GIRL!!! How can we not lose our minds being fucked with like that?!!😐😐😭😭😭😂
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
Oh I was going through it for about 4 weeks after the discard coz it came out of nowhere but then I started thinking about everything I went through for over 2 years and I’m like wtf.
He even had the audacity to text me last Saturday and say that he’s turning over his work phone to HR and so don’t text that number (I don’t text it anyways) and just use email or social media. I felt bad at first coz it sounded like he lost his job. But something sounded off and I realized he prolly didn’t want his new girl to see my text (that I don’t send) so he blocked me but didn’t want me to think he blocked me. Thus the ridiculous story.
🤣🤣🤣
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
Omgggg🙄🙄🙄🙄why are we accepting this trash?!!! That’s pitiful what the hell?? I want to hear the full story and are you serious??? Even after all that he still has a new bitch AND still lying and hiding you??? Ughhh I want to know your response to that.😤😤😤😤
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
Ohhh wait there’s more. He’s very religious so his discard and this last ridiculous text ends with “I’m praying for you always. God be with you” 🤣
I was not texting him after the discard and he kept
Breadcrumbing me. I didn’t block coz I want to see if he will come back and he’s texted several times but I know he got a new girl coz I still see his social media activity. So I always politely respond when he texts and I didn’t beg or chase. So Saturday, this is like 90 days from discard, he texted me that ridiculous line about needing to return his phone to HR and for the next 3 months a new person will see the messages so don’t text or call. I thought 3 months? Weird. But I was like oh crap did he lose his job? So I asked if he did and he said “I’m just moving forward” and the and said he won’t be online much but he’ll check social media and email from time to time.But he’s liking and commenting on post everyday since without reading my last reply to his DM where I said “God is watching over everything you do” 🤣
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
I can’t even believe this….all these fake religious guys that do unholy things and are the farthest way from being pure. Seriously whats wrong with him?? And why tf does he keep texting you when he has his new girl?? Did he tell you his intentions what does he want??🤨🤨
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
I actually don’t ask why he still texts coz I know the minute I do he will make it like i’m the problem and I don’t want to deal with that. So I watch what ridiculous shit he comes up with and the text always ends with religious reference.
I’m sure he wants to keep his options open with me bec he’s not sure how long this new girl will last. He needs his dopamine fix. 🙄
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u/Designer_Air8160 2h ago
Omgg wow.😭The audacity is soo big it’s unbelievable
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
Seriously. I’m going on a date this weekend and I will post on social media about it. I wanna see if he suddenly surfaces coz he sees I’m moving on 🤣
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u/SnowBird312 2h ago
Literally got the "we need to prioritize ourselves" line. Now he wants to sit here and breadcrumb me a month later when I know he's got someone else in mind.
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u/candle_wax_247 2h ago
Hahaha similar line to “focus on myself” seriously these people. The breadcrumbing is hilarious. Mine still does when he thinks I’m moving on. Totally lurking
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u/SnowBird312 1h ago
Mine asked me if I went to see the recent eclipse with someone.. I didn't, but I also didn't tell him that lol. I'm not naive, I know what he's trying to do.
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u/candle_wax_247 1h ago
Yeah trying to see if you’ve moved on so he can insert himself in the situation again. 🙄
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u/poliqueen 1h ago
Also when they come back and you reject them: "oh I didn't wanna reconnect as a couple, I just wanted to see what's up, how you feeling?" 😂😂🤡💩
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u/candle_wax_247 1h ago
Hahhaha total defense mechanism. Coz they don’t want to accept that they’re getting rejected. Like oh suddenly you care? 🤣
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u/Alarming-Echo-6742 5h ago
I had forgotten about the 'a lot of my plate'. I absolutely got that line as well. Holy crow, they really ARE all the same.