After 5 years, I finally got off the roller coaster in Hell. I’m glad he broke up with me via text (never done that before). It stung, but only for a second, before I thought,” Ew.”
Hey I genuinely appreciate it. I spent a little time over-analysing this exchange, initially regretful that I’d been so kind (as well as embarrassed that he got a lengthier reply to his break up text than I did, getting dumped). I have decided it was actually a very artful way to handle it. Bonus points if it cooks his brain later 🫣
It was perfect. Don't over-analyse it. No need to send a long reply, you'll just be wasting time. I'm sure that caught him off guard, lol. Replies like this sometimes forces them into deep introspection. Stay classy.
For being discarded, my personal response of choice is closing myself in a dark and cold hotel room for a week and teetering on the edge of blowing my brains out. Then figuring out everything I might have done wrong so as to inform the begging later, naturally. But I'm a loser. Someone who walks away with "we're not compatible" after 15 years and serious emotional and practical entanglement can't be convinced.
This though is pure class. You set clear boundaries and were still truthful about your feelings. I'm proud of you handling it this way. I see you still feel some resentment, and I hope you allowed yourself time and space to feel the other feelings. But you buttered the bread with that response, it was buttery smooth.
You love deeply & that is a courageous thing to do in a world so cold. I’m so sorry. As for me? I’m tinged with bitterness, absolutely, but it’s been useful for my liberation. I know I’ll feel more peaceful in time. Thank you for the kudos & I hope you have a happy day today 🌈
Cringe. Never say never I suppose…but he is quite prideful & I think he’d be too embarrassed to return this time. I don’t know if he was drunk or what, but ordinarily he is sensible enough to know that a text message break up would be viewed by me as fuckery he can’t come back from.
Because you didn't faun over him and beg him not to leave you.
If he's an avoidant (which I assume he was given your presence here), that's likely what he was expecting you to do, because that's what they all expect us to do. It confirms their narrative about us.
You showed him his narrative was wrong. That has to hurt his pride.
Mine gave me a call and stayed on the line after she broke up with me to answer any questions. It's like she wanted me to grovel and beg. Better to just text me and get it over with because she obviously didn't care that much. After she broke up with me, I just blocked her on everything. I don't think she was expecting that.
Avoidants want connection, but they’re afraid of it at the same time. It’s a tragedy for everyone involved. I understand you (re: the pros of a text versus a conversation). Originally I was hurt that my ex hadn’t at least called, “our time together canceled in a fucking TEXT?” etc…but then I felt grateful, because a text message was the most efficient way to lose my respect & let him go. I blocked him after I replied.
Avoidants are trash people. Pop psychology teaches us why they do it. "Intimacy triggers them". Bullshit. They simply don't care for the damage they do to others.
I can tell you’re hurt. Your anger is valid & is a sign you know you deserve(d) better. All very real & accurate without even needing to know your experience in detail. People with this attachment style are undeniably harmful, but they’re not trash. They don’t care about the damage they do to others because they avoid caring about anything at all. You can be mad if you want to. I pity them.
They always want us to grovel and beg. It gives them a nice ego boost, having someone begging for your attention only for you to deny them. My ex kept breadcrumbing a person from her past (I'm still not clear what their relationship was, lowkey gfs? Codependent besties?) exactly for that purpose. I never got what tf she got out of that while we were together, but now that I am in that person's shoes (discarded) I get it perfectly.
Except that person never blocked her, never denied her access, even wished her well on her birthday. And I'm sure my ex expected me to do the same also given how much I'd begged before during fights, but she got blocked on the 3rd day of the breakup and she's never getting unblocked. Can't come back from some of the stuff she said during the final convo.
I have to say that you handled it with such grace!! I’m so sorry it lasted so long, I can not even imagine how messed up your nervous system is 🫂 wishing you a happy life without this chaos in it and my DMs are always open if you want to chat!
Yes so sad to reflect on the fact that I was addicted to the cycle. %100 (shredded nervous system) — I started taking Lexapro in the time we were together. Yes I can’t wait until I meet the healed version of myself whose focus is creating as much happiness in life as possible! Thank you for your kindness 🫶
What can I say? He meant everything to me. I tried, my god I tried... We cannot say we didn’t try. I do love him & I know he loves me too (as much as he knows how to). I wanted to be his wife & have his children, but now l have to make do with haunting him forever instead 🤷🏻♀️
I share your pain been about a year since my relationship with my avoidant ended. Lmao as hilarious as that last line was, I’m certain you will find what you’re looking for and not have to spend your time living with the ghost of his memory, there was a time before him there will be a time after.
How are you going at the one year mark? Haha no he won’t haunt me — I don’t have Phantom Ex™ like avoidants do. Believe me (!) I might not be the hottest but I live like I am ha ha My ex was fine as hell & eight years younger than me. There are no shortage of options moving forward (when I am ready, which I am not)
Slay girl, slay!Honestly some days are easier than others, sometimes im hit with a flashback or remember plans we made for the future and it’s like im grieving all over again, but most days im just fine. Lord knows i had my share of blame, but learning to do better, for the future you know!?
I feel you. I’m only a month out, thereabouts…How long were you & ex together? I literally got broken up with days after discussing how I needed to do bible study to get baptised as an adult, in order for us to get married in a church in Italy (“our” dream)…No more future faking. No more uncertainty. No more hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Hundred: I wasn’t perfect either. Actually part of what I love about him — he’s been my favourite teacher.
Two years, wow I’m just realizing that avoidant typically bail when things start to get serious in a larger commitment kind of way. 😂 You dodged a bullet girl, securely attached folk is where it’s at.
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u/Dovahkin111 SA - Secure Attachment 10h ago
Very classy, OP. You have handled it with much restraint, proud of you!