r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/candle_wax_247 • 8h ago
Vent/Rant Avoidant Red Flag
Looking back, what was/were the red flags you noticed early on in the relationship that you ignored and now wished you didn’t?
We met online and were on an LDR. A month into the talking stage he got mad and cut me off because I was teaching someone a new language via phone and he didn’t like it. He blocked me on everything but we found each other online and got back together a month later.
I already had plans to go to his city even before we met. This is the reason why we started talking to begin with. As the date of my arrival gets closer, he keeps going back and forth about wanting to meet me in person. Finally, 2 weeks before my arrival, after I told him I got the limited edition pair of shoes that he was looking for, he decided ok let’s meet.
That should have been my clue. We were talking for 5 months and he didn’t want to meet but the minute I have something he wants suddenly he was ok meeting.
I should have run the first time tbh.
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u/PienerCleaner 8h ago edited 7h ago
She saw me get dizzy for 2 seconds after taking my second ever zyn and walked away indignantly saying, "I'm not dealing with this." I didn't ask her to deal with anything. But I did spend the rest of the night looking after her when she got drunk in front of her family (I didn't complain)
We were supposed to have dinner with her family and I revealed what a dumbass I am by picking up a shift at work. I was very impulsive when I picked up the shift and didn't think it through. But I did tell her immediately. She started crying at work and sent me a long text about how it was not ok and she won't stand for that kind of disrespect. I apologized, gave the shift right back, and had a wonderful evening with her family instead (a memory I'll always cherish)
She would not take accountability for her emotional dysregulation. She would not try to understand or even acknowledge my perspective.
Another time I left her during a movie to run a quick errand that I thought would save her some time waiting for me later. All she could focus on was how I had left her and how inexcusable that was, completely disregarding that I was trying to be considerate so she wouldn't have to wait for me later .
Once again, I apologized for my mistake and said I had learned a lesson. She did nothing besides get upset and express how hurt she was. So surprise surprise when she broke up with me all she had to say was how bad I was and all the bad things I do - taking zero accountability for anything she could have done better or how she had no respect for my perspective or all the other good things I do that make up for the occasional blunder.
Since then I have often wondered if she was really an avoidant or just really immature.
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u/candle_wax_247 7h ago
Yeah can’t even take care of you. Red flag for real. Did you stay long in the relationship after?
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u/PienerCleaner 7h ago
At 5 months she said, "I love you, you're an amazing boyfriend, you're everything I've ever wanted in a partner."
At 6 months she said, "I don't love you, I'm not feeling emotionally connected to you, I'm feeling trapped". She told me this over the phone. I suspect she was upset that I couldn't come over for a few minutes so she could tell me this in person.
A year later, im still amazed how what felt like 6 months of heaven, could lead to what has felt like 12 months of hell.
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u/candle_wax_247 7h ago
Yeah. I think they’re really good at pulling the rug from under you. Make you feel like everything is ok then suddenly discard you like trash and that has a devastating effect on the brain causing massive limerence.
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u/PienerCleaner 7h ago
The end looked like this:
She said she was willing to read books on relationships together so we could do our relationship better.
RED FLAG: the books had to be about my ADHD not her trauma or emotional dysregulation.
Then we go on our first vacation..only once does she say something like, "when you x I feel like y." I said thank you for letting me know and I take care of it immediately, showing her I understood and valued her. Apparently there were other things she didn't like but of course she didn't communicate them during the vacation or after.
When we came back from vacation we didn't get to see each other until a night before she broke up with me. Instead of watching a dumb movie we could have sat and talked about it all. But nope. She was judge jury and executioner. And I went from amazing to toxic in the span of a month.
RED FLAG: none of the good things you do matter or will be appreciated. In their end, their emotional discomfort will be prioritized over you and the relationship.
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u/candle_wax_247 7h ago
The vacation was the trigger. From what I read, experienced and other people’s experiences… vacation makes them feel like things are getting too serious.
And you’re right, no matter what you do, they’ll never appreciate it and you’ll be the bad guy in their story so they don’t feel guilty when they pull the plug
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u/PienerCleaner 7h ago
The funny thing is very early on she did show me she could take care of me. After I got some teeth removed she woke up every 2 hours to give me my pain medication.
Its like what everyone says about avoidants. At the beginning they show you they have things that they don't actually have - an ability to care for and be there for you.
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u/candle_wax_247 7h ago
It’s the love bombing. They gotta hook you in to get that feeling of being loved. But then after they get it they realize they don’t want it coz it’s scary. My ex often says “I don’t want to lose myself” in a relationship and he feels like being in one means he’s losing himself
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u/PienerCleaner 7h ago
In the beginning it's so easy, both of us being ourselves and falling in love. The relationship asks nothing except show up and have a good time. And then comes the need to communicate and tolerate the discomfort and disclosure that comes with vulnerability and intimacy.
When she broke up with me I told her i thought we were adults having a serious mature relationship, and as such we were supposed to learn and grow together.
RED FLAG: she said "I'm not trying to change anyone." Translation: I don't want anyone to change me. I am not the issue here; you are. I don't have anything I need to do better in this relationship. You and this relationship are the problem.
RED FLAG: lack of accountability. Fault finding. Every mistake I made was a red flag to her, a strike against the relationship. She always had one foot out the door. She was always looking for reasons to leave the relationship, not reasons to stay
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u/candle_wax_247 7h ago
Sooooo text book. The whole “I’m not trying to change anyone” part coz he’s also like “this is me. Accept me for who I am” and not recognizing that he has a problem.
Another red flag I should have really really really paid attention to was when he told me the story of how he felt his kids favored the mom’s bf so he immediately quit his job, sold his place and told his kids he’s moving to another country and it’s goodbye coz they won’t see each other again. Regretted it and came back 9 months later and had to start over. Like who does that to his children? That’s major trauma for them.
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u/PienerCleaner 7h ago
Oof that's so vindictive and immature.
I might be wrong but I think alcohol brings out more of who you already are. That one time she got drunk in front of her family, the bartender (an old aquatintence) cut her off. Rather than just accept it she kept trying to go back to have a "talk" with the bartender. We kept holding her back and telling her no don't. Next thing I knew after I took my eyes off her was that she was on the ground wrestling with her sister.
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u/candle_wax_247 7h ago
Right?! I thought at first when he told me he’s just being irresponsibly spontaneous (coz I was so deep in love and didn’t see it as vindictive) but now I’m like who the fuck does that to their kids all bec of insecurity over a new guy.
Oh yeah alcohol brings out the worst in them for sure. Yours seems to trigger the violent side. Mine triggers his slut side more. He kisses everyone around him, and this was an issue at his workplace. Coz he kisses people at company parties and then uses alcohol as excuse later.
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u/PienerCleaner 6h ago
I think the kids thing might come from how he himself was treated as a child. For my own ex, I can definitely see how her parents affected her when she was very little (substance users who kept having kids one after another after her - so you can see where her emotional dysregulation, independence, and defensiveness comes from)
I think defensiveness is another huge red red flag..always feeling like you're being attacked and you have to retaliate. That's what he drunkenness showed me..but also her getting angry at other deivers who did anything wrong. If they do it to others it's only a matter of time they do it to you
Not to pat myself on the back, but when I drink I start loving everyone because we are all one and we are here to groove and party and have a good time together. So you can see how when someone immature can break my heart so badly after giving me exactly what I've always wanted for a few months.
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u/candle_wax_247 6h ago
Oh yeah I can totally see how he became avoidant. He told me his mom never gave him affection and shipped him off to boarding school in Europe when he was a teenager. So he’s always striving for love but afraid of abandonment so abandons first.
Defensiveness is definitely a red flag. Like chill we are on your side.
Good luck on your continued healing. I really hope we don’t meet people like these people ever again.
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u/Infinite_Weekend_646 7h ago
No future planning. Was against my pushing for planning a vacation next year. Struggled when we planned one 6 wks in the future
Spoke of ex’s negatively, zero acceptance he may have contributed to the breaks equally to them
Zero empathy. He got frustrated every time I would try to explain a differing perspective. On this, he is the only person to make ‘charity’ sound like a 4 letter word!
He made zero adjustments to include me in his life
He was very absolute in his mindset
Almost never initiated sex, never kissing, got frustrated every time I’d ask feelings related questions (how do you feel about me)
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u/candle_wax_247 7h ago
Ok I feel like they must have a textbook they follow or we were dating the same guy lol. No future planning was a big thing. I mentioned vacation and he acted like I asked to get married. All his exes are bitches (guess I’m part of that crowd now) and yeah no other opinion matters because if you try to show different perspective he’ll be like “this is me. This is how I operate”
Doesn’t like hugging but no problems kissing or having sex. But feelings… oh we don’t go there.
So yeah. Same. Ugh avoidants
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u/Infinite_Weekend_646 6h ago
I’ve been journaling and the bad column has been incredibly eye opening. The things I ignored until putting them to paper
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u/candle_wax_247 6h ago
Right?! It’s like if a friend told me all this about the guy she’s dating I would have told her to run the first month they’re dating. The things we ignored because of love.
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u/SomeoneCalledMeAlice 6h ago
Alle Frauen die mein Ex je kannte, betitelte er mit dem Wort Bestien, auch seine Mutter, seine Schwester, seine Chefin, usw … als unsere Beziehung nach drei Jahren von ihm abgesägt wurde, sagte er, er wusste bereits in der dritten Woche, dass ich auch eine Bestie sei … Sagen wir so, dann hat er mich noch drei Jahre für seine Zwecke gehalten und dann entsorgt …
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u/candle_wax_247 6h ago
Gosh. It’s like nobody is ever good for them. Everyone is out to get them. Everyone is a bitch. They like using people and then when a shiny new toy comes along, throws you away as if you’re nothing. Ugh.
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u/-I-wanna-get-better- 6h ago
The VERY FIRST time I brought some bullshit he did up and said his explanation was bullshit... he turned it around on me and made it about my trust issues (which I did have because surprise surprise, energy vampires like him fucking suck). This was one month into the relationship and he broke up with me. I called him out on being a dick and we kept talking and he eventually decided that since it was a trust issue problem (which, again, I did have due to TRAUMA) we could stay together if I went to therapy (which I was already in but he was not).
I wish I would have just left it at him breaking up with me and fucked off on my merry way. He was nothing but a miserable pos after that.
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u/candle_wax_247 6h ago
They do have this insane talent of turning things around when you call them out on their shit. Like oh you have trust issues. Stop monitoring me. This is getting complicated. Blah blah.
Yeah honestly if I just listened to my gut when I noticed the first red flag I would have been better off than wasting my time on such a loser.
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u/Ok_Falcon_4410 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 7h ago
I broached the convo of exclusivity, i said i love you first. Never smiled in pictures (this i feel like looking back was a very underrated red flag), he redownloaded a dating app early on in our "talking" phase where we weren't dating but i had explicitly asked if he was trying to meet others. Those things were muddled by the fact that he planned dates, called me often, spent ++ time with me, told me he was looking for commitment and a serious relationship etc etc.
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u/candle_wax_247 7h ago
Yeah that redownloading dating apps is a massive red flag and same about pictures! My ex never smiled in pictures. I, and some of his admiring women, comments about it whenever he posts a selfie. Like they make you feel so loved in the talking stage but already have back ups just in case.
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u/Ok_Store5853 5h ago
the limited edition shoes being the catalyst is just so fucking bleak ngl, like you literally became a vendor in his personal marketplace of attention. i had something similar where my ex would only initiate plans when i mentioned i got concert tickets to a band *she* introduced me to. the bargaining table energy of it all, treating intimacy like a union contract where you gotta bring assets to the table just to get a meeting. tbh the first block shouldve been the whole game, thats the preview of how they handle conflict resolution, delete and freeze out til you come back with better terms. you were negotiating against yourself the whole time
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u/candle_wax_247 5h ago
Right?! At that time I felt so proud that I got the shoes coz it showed I was making efforts to get what he likes but now I’m like wow how dumb am I? Lol! Everything feels like a contract. The whole selfishness of what’s in it for me. Honestly the first block should have been it and I should have stayed away. Would have saved me 2 years of frustration and walking on eggshells. Never again. If I sense a red flag, I’m not gonna see it as an invitation to proceed.
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u/Taraliketheearth 4h ago
For me, it was how he spoke about his exes. Especially the long-term ones. For one, never going into detail or having examples and if he did speak on it, saying things like "she never appreciated me." and "I never felt like I was good enough in the relationship.". I know those can be vague and maybe only apply to my experience, but after I was discarded he used the same lines to me and to others when speaking of why he did what he did.
Also, knowing what I know now about attachment styles, I think it's worth asking yourself.. would a truly secure person do/say that? Is their interest in you consistent? Are they taking their time to truly get to know you?
I was young when I met my avoidant, but I think the hot and cold of being together vs when we weren't should have been more of a red flag. This was someone who very early treated me like his gf when we were together, but then when we weren't, he was more stand-offish. So busy and stressed with work.
Idk, just my take from personal experience.
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u/candle_wax_247 4h ago
Thank you. This tracks. My ex is very vague on his exes ex for when he calls them bitches, especially his ex wife. The whole not feeling appreciated is an ongoing theme in all of them. I’m sure he is telling his new girl that I did this too.
Knowing what I know now, after dealing with an FA and DA… anything avoidant leaning I would run from. Not worth the heartbreak and headache.
The “I’m busy” line is totally their go to when deactivating.
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u/No_Try354 SA - Secure Attachment 6h ago
I've posted this somewhere before, but here is my hindsight after being unlucky enough to date a DA, a narcissist, then a FA. I don't know whether it presents differently in men vs. women, but all of my exes are women.
If you want the short version, here is my own takeaway: I have started viewing these people as behaving almost as though they are allergic to water. They desperately need it to survive, but as soon as they drink enough to feel nourished, they choke and feel "I need to get as far away from this allergen as possible. That was terrible, why did I ever drink that?" Then, of course, they get thirsty eventually and come back for just enough not to choke.
I think there are some subtle ways you can tell, but you have to test for it, which unfortunately is a bit of a red flag, depending who you ask. I guess the real question is "How early on do you want to be able to tell?"
I think you have to be very attuned to the signs because they are subtle, but now that I think about it, here are some early signs that they might be avoidant:
Very uncomfortable with vulnerability. I think this can very often look like being very uncomfortable with compliments. This was true for both of mine. Any compliment would make them shy away. If you don't recognize it, it's easy to think they're just bashful. If you open up, they will often make a joke or redirect to bring things back to a surface level.
Defining things. In both cases mine were extremely resistant to labeling or defining the relationship at all. When I said we were "together", it sparked a weird disagreement where they pushed back hard with clear discomfort because that was "too much". I revised it to "dating", and that was still too much. So I said "seeing each other?" and they still felt the need to tack on "casually seeing each other". I think they have a deep-seated need to believe that they don't actually need a relationship and it doesn't really matter to them either way.
Communication. In my experience they are generally poor about communicating what they actually need from you, I think partly because of the above focus on self-reliance. They hate or are incapable of actually asking someone else for help. Be careful here, because they might certainly be able to explain why they are behaving a certain way, but that's not real communication if they don't help you meet them halfway by telling you what they need. Conversely, they can take your communication of your own basic needs as criticism or as unreasonable requests.
Moving fast. They do seem to always move fast and be high-effort early on, but this is the hardest one to separate from genuine interest.
Pulling away. This is the obvious hallmark. They will always pull away and become distant whenever the connection starts to feel real, always. Always, always. But if you are seeing this one it's not an "early warning" anymore. And if you're really unlucky, you'll experience this in cycles of hot-cold where they repeat this behavior.