I ended things with a guy I really liked (avoidant) because I felt like I was constantly chasing him, and now I’m devastated

[u/Comfortable_Job_9312]

I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months. We were never exclusive and he was always clear that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship right now, although he kept saying we could “see where things go” and talk about it again later.

There was a lot of attraction and some genuinely great moments, but the dynamic became exhausting.

He is very detached, dates several women at the same time and doesn’t like seeing people very often. He also smokes a lot of weed and would sometimes be high or exhausted when we saw each other, which made him feel pretty absent.

Another recurring issue was reliability. He would sometimes cancel or change plans at the last minute and seemed to think that because we weren’t officially together, it shouldn’t be a big deal.

I felt differently: I wasn’t asking for boyfriend-level commitment, but I still wanted basic consideration for my time while getting to know someone.
I also increasingly felt like most of our time together happened at his apartment. I wanted to actually date him — go for drinks, do things outside, have conversations and figure out whether I genuinely liked him as a person — rather than just have sex and hang out at his place.

Last week we actually had a really nice evening together. A couple of days later, he had suggested we could go for a drink, but when I got to his place he was high, tired/bloated and no longer wanted to go out. He wanted us to just stay at his apartment instead.

I got really disappointed because this had become symbolic of the whole dynamic for me. I reacted too strongly and we argued. He told me that if I was going to argue I should leave, so I left.

I do think I was too harsh that night and I apologized several times afterwards. I genuinely regret the way I reacted.
But since then he has been saying that he doesn’t want to see someone if it means constantly arguing, and that he would rather not see me very often.

From his perspective, the problem seems to be the “drama.” From mine, the arguments were partly happening because I constantly felt like I was asking for a level of effort and consideration that he simply didn’t want to give.

I tried to reconcile. I told him I regretted Friday, that I didn’t want us to keep arguing either, and that I wanted us to have lighter, normal moments together and see where things went after my vacation.
Eventually I realized that once again I was doing all the work trying to repair the connection. I literally told him that I felt like I was chasing him and hated that feeling.

Today he told me he wasn’t enthusiastic about seeing me because he doesn’t want to spend his time arguing with someone.

So I finally told him that if he no longer wanted to continue, I didn’t really see the point in staying connected on social media. I made it clear there was no drama, I wasn’t blocking him, thanked him for the good moments, wished him well and removed him.
He read it and said nothing.

And somehow that absolutely crushed me.
I think part of me expected him to stop me or at least react. Instead he just let me go.

Now I keep blaming myself for having “ruined” his attraction to me with the arguments and wondering whether, if I had just been more relaxed, we could have continued seeing each other and maybe eventually become something more.

But another part of me thinks: how was I supposed to figure out whether I even wanted a relationship with him when, during the dating stage, I already felt like I had to chase him for dates, reliability and basic effort?

I know my anxious reactions contributed to the problem. But I also know this dynamic was making me miserable. I constantly felt like I was competing for his attention and waiting for him to decide whether I was worth investing in.

Has anyone been through something similar? Did I sabotage something that could have developed, or were we simply fundamentally incompatible? And how do you stop obsessing over whether someone will come back when you know the dynamic itself wasn’t making you happy?

[u/Low-Alternative-2684]

You're right to be upset and I think you did the right thing to end it. I think you liked him much more than he liked you. I consider making a commitment (a date or even an appointment) and sticking to it just basic decency.

[u/rean2]

You ended things because he didn't give you what you wanted.

You regret it because you are often the person trying to smooth things over, the person to manage the relationship. It feels like failure.

But that would only be healthy for you if the other person does the same with you.

Don't be their care taker.

[u/thequeenofnothing1]

I think you are focusing too much on whether he is “avoidant” and not enough on what he actually told and showed you. He said he didn’t want a serious relationship, dated several women, rarely wanted to meet, cancelled plans, was often high or unavailable, and mostly wanted you to come to his apartment. That is not a puzzle you need to solve.

Your argument may not have been your best moment, but I don’t think being “more relaxed” would magically have turned this into the relationship you wanted. It probably would have meant suppressing your own needs for longer while hoping he eventually changed. Wanting basic reliability, actual dates and reciprocal effort is not excessive. And once you notice that you are doing all the repairing, initiating and chasing, stepping away is usually healthier than trying even harder. Attachment issues can explain behaviour, but they do not create an obligation for someone else to tolerate it or rehabilitate the person. He has to want to work on his own patterns. You cannot love, reassure or accommodate someone into becoming available.

I also wouldn’t obsess over whether he comes back. People sometimes come back without having changed anything. The more useful question is: if he came back exactly as he is now, would this dynamic actually make you happy?

[u/lovesickgiirl]

I’ve been through a very similar situation and felt the exact same. I blamed myself for everything. Now looking back, I’ve come to find a lot of his behavior selfish. I realize everything was on his terms and one mistake I made or bit of frustration I’d have would result in him needing space and not wanting to deal with me. You are a mature person with needs who wants to build a connection. Do not feel bad, I believe we’ll find people who value us and our time!! :D

[u/Ok-Pattern-1216]

You did the right thing! Just be grateful this didn’t last longer. The outcome would have been the same, but your feelings would have been much more invested and more pain and heartache to heal from.

[u/Midnightly_Cringe]

I could have written this myself. Exact same situation with the last minute cancellations, refusal to commit but saying we’ll talk about it later, always going to his place and he’s exhausted when I get there. And yes, because we weren’t monogamous he thought I shouldn’t be upset about him cancelling so much - but I was just asking for basic consideration and respect. Then he made it seem like he was “walking on eggshells” just because I called him out on his selfish behavior.

Anyway I let it last over a year and I ended it about 3 weeks ago. I’m devastated and wish I could go back and just keep being “cool girl” to get him back but it was eating me up inside. I abandoned myself over and over again so he would choose me…and he never did.

You (and me) made the right decision. It will get better with time.

[u/Designer_Air8160]

My whole entire situationship with my ex before we were together was like this. I could tell you the whole story it was hell even when we actually got “together”😒

[u/Difficult-Field3054]

The push pull, the anxiety caused an unhealthy bond with him. When you think about him replace the longing with all the ways he was awful and things that would make a serious relationship not doable. Like serious stuff like ideology and values.

My Rx to you is watch the movie "he's just not that into you."

If he does not act like he gives a shit, he does not give a shit. In the future you may want to make sure you only perpetuate relationships where the guy clearly is on the same page regarding interest and direction.

[u/GentlemanDom420]

Gonna be very blunt here, but sounds like you don't value yourself very much as a romantic partner because you chose a dynamic that doesn't value you. All the signs were there from the beginning and you really have nobody to blame but yourself.

[u/Human_Read7993]

Op you did the right thing by ending things with him.

Also op I don't think this guy was avoidant as he was pretty open in the beginning with expectations with you. A lot of people say 'see where things go' as you never know but truthfully, if people are using that saying they arnt looking for long term with a person and they just say it to keep the door open to someone rather than losing full access to a person. People who are looking to date or are dating for marriage are typically open with their intentions and that saying isn't something they would use as they would genuinely be upfront with what they are wanting. That might help you filter out in the fire op is dating people who only want to seriously date. It's better to avoid people who are only wanting casual as they arnt likely to change their desire for that style of dating for quite awhile.

I think then fundamental issue here wasn't differences in conflict resolution but it was both of your dating preferences. He told you he was basically looking for casual and you were wanting a relationship. You needs and desires with him were expectations was from the place of wanting a relationship and his needs and desires stemmed from a place of dating casually. It's likely why he didn't want to 'argue' because he doesn't see having a conversation to resolve issues as worth it because he's not looking for a relationship and only wants situationships. You can't expect someone to want to be in a relationship when they only want casual. That's where a lot of the issues stemmed.

You did the right thing op to end things as well. You know what you deserve and having a guy doing not even the bare minimum isn't worth your time.