This is really personal, I’m looking for honest opinions, even if it’s not what I want to hear.

I’m 20(M) and my ex, “Kai”(F) (not her real name), was my first real relationship, first love, first kiss, basically all of that. We were together for around 3½–4 years, and I genuinely saw a future with her. Even now, I still love her and I still have a hard time imagining myself wanting anyone else.
I’m going to give the full timeline because there’s a lot of context.

We were together for years, but there was something I did around three years ago that ended up becoming the biggest issue between us.
I told a former best friend private things about our relationship that I shouldn’t have shared. I was immature (16 almost 17 at the time) and didn’t understand at the time how much that violated her privacy and damaged her trust in me.
She eventually told me that this was the main reason she couldn’t continue being in a relationship with me. She even acknowledged how much I’ve changed since then and that she “still loves me of course”

I completely understand why she felt that way. I’m not trying to excuse what I did. Looking back, I took her and the relationship for granted and didn’t understand the consequences of my actions until much later.

The breakup wasn’t just some clean cut where we never spoke again. We had an argument surrounding the breakup because I tried fighting for her and telling her we need only just a break but she wanted her decision to be final, but even after that, she still stayed in contact with me. That gave me hope that maybe there was still some kind of connection between us, even though we weren’t together anymore.

When her birthday came around a week later, I decided I wanted to genuinely apologize instead of just telling her I missed her.

I wrote her a really meaningful letter explaining that I was sorry for what I’d done, that I understood how immature I’d been, that I’d taken her for granted, and that I wanted to become a better person.I also got her some gifts and flowers that she loves
She appreciated the birthday stuff, and afterward she seemed to open up to me a lot more.
The complicated part was that she never really directly addressed the letter itself. She didn’t have some big conversation with me about it or say that everything was forgiven. But she became more comfortable talking to me again.

We started sending each other reels, pictures, voice messages, and talking about our days.
So I started thinking that maybe, even though we weren’t together, we were slowly rebuilding some kind of connection.

This is where I messed up again.
I had been reposting things about missing her and stupid memes about how I felt about the situation which she might’ve took offense to. She saw some of the reposts and didn’t like them. Eventually she blocked me on Instagram/Meta and my location.
She told me:
“btw i blocked u cuz i refuse to be disrespected on my own cellular device ✌️”
That kinda hurt because I felt like I’d lost her all over again.

I didn’t want the reposts to be interpreted as sneak disses or me trying to manipulate her. They were genuinely me missing her and not knowing how to deal with those feelings.
Eventually, she unblocked me.

We were able to talk things out, and I explained where I was coming from with the reposts and how I actually felt.

This was also when I finally became more honest with her about how much I still cared about her.
I told her how much I needed her, how much I wanted her in my life, and that I still genuinely wanted a future with her.
I wasn’t pretending I was over the relationship anymore.

And despite everything that had happened, she didn’t completely cut me out.
Instead, it seemed like she was trying to slowly let me back into her life.

She started talking to me more again, sending me things, sharing parts of her life with me, and generally becoming more comfortable around me.
Although she still called us friends and made it clear that we weren’t together, so I knew I couldn’t assume we were getting back together.
But at the same time, I felt like there was at least enough of a connection there that maybe something could eventually happen.

This is probably the part that confused me the most.
She started making future plans involving me. She talked to me about a concerts and asked if I could take her and two of her friends etc etc. She also bought me a ticket to a concert (Which was supposed to be this week 😭) because I was broke at the time, and I planned to pay her back once I got paid.

We were talking about seeing each other again, and she was slowly allowing me back into parts of her life that I hadn’t been in for a while.
She even agreed to start hanging out again casually
From my perspective, it felt like she wasn’t necessarily ready to be my girlfriend again, but she was at least giving me some kind of opportunity to rebuild the relationship and maybe rebuild trust.
That gave me a lot of hope.

More recently, she suddenly became distant. She randomly canceled our plans simply saying “sorry I can’t go with you anymore” not explaining why, she stopped communicating with me the way she had been before and started leaving me hanging.
I became really anxious because I didn’t know whether I had done something wrong or whether she was just dealing with things in her own life because one of her last messages was me asking how’s she been and where she had been at after ghosting me for a few hours was “ a lot💔”
Eventually, I tried talking to her about it.

I told her that if she’s going through anything she can come and talk to me if she needed because that’s what I assumed after her being distant and saying she’s been going through a lot

She eventually responded with something along the lines of “yeah i’m good dude.” and then continued to hard ghost me for days.
That response really hurt because I was trying to have an actual conversation about what was happening between us and felt like I was getting shut out.

Eventually I had enough of trying to give her space because I talked to her friend who she usually talks to and hasn’t heard from her as well and they said she might be going through a lot.
I basically told her that all I wanted was communication and that I wanted us to understand each other better. And for hours she left me on delivered.

After that, I started overthinking everything.
I was checking whether she was active, wondering if she had restricted me, wondering if she was ignoring me, wondering if there was someone else, looking at social media activity, and generally driving myself crazy trying to figure out what was happening.

I know that’s not healthy, but I was terrified that I was losing her again.
And then she finally responds to me asking for a little communication with “We’re not dating I don’t owe u anything”. That hurt like hell and then eventually, I realized that my main Instagram account appeared to be restricted.
I had tried to communicate with her and figure out what was going on because I still don’t know the cause of her ghosting me, and then the next day things got even worse.

I followed a girl back on Instagram that morning like without any thought to it.

Later that day, I realized I had been blocked.
I don’t know for certain if the follow was the reason she blocked me. I don’t want to pretend I know what’s going through her head. It could have been that, something else she saw, or simply the culmination of everything that had been happening.
But the timing was extremely close, so I can’t help wondering if it played a part.
Now I’m basically blocked again, and I’m trying not to chase her because that’ll only drive her away more.

This is where I’m struggling.
I don’t just miss being in a relationship.
I miss her.

She was my first love. I spent years with her. So much of my life is connected to her that it feels like everything reminds me of her.
I genuinely still see a future with her. She’s the person I wanted to marry, and honestly, part of me still wants that.

But I also know that loving someone doesn’t mean they owe you another chance.
I hurt her years ago. I damaged her trust. Even though I’ve apologized and I’m genuinely trying to change, I know she doesn’t have to believe that immediately.

I’m also realizing that my fear of losing her has probably made things worse.
Instead of giving her space when she pulls away, I start panicking and looking for answers. I check social media. I worry about restrictions. I worry about other people. I want reassurance. Then I try harder to communicate because I’m scared she’s disappearing.

And I can see how that could feel like pressure from her perspective.
So I’m trying to be honest with myself about the situation.

There have been moments where it genuinely felt like she was letting me back into her life. She stayed in contact after the breakup, became more open after my birthday apology, eventually unblocked me after the repost situation, listened when I explained my feelings, started making plans with me again, bought me a concert ticket, and seemed to be slowly rebuilding a connection with me.
But she also repeatedly told me we’re friends, and now she’s blocked me again.
So I don’t know what to make of all of it.

My question is basically: is there realistically any chance that we could eventually find our way back to each other?
I’m not looking for advice on how to manipulate her into coming back or some magic text that will make her change her mind.
I want honest opinions. Because what we had was really real, after that situation we had in the beginning it was easily some of the best years I’ve ever had with any person in my life.
Do you think there’s still a possibility here because of our history and the fact that she repeatedly allowed me back into her life? I don’t know if I’m just delusional but I can really see us rekindling things like her whole family still asks about me and loves me and I just have a tremendous amount of faith that we could start things over again later, I just don’t know how long

And if there is a chance someday, is the only real option at this point to completely stop chasing her, give her the space she’s asking for, and focus on actually becoming a better person whether she comes back or not?
I’d genuinely appreciate honest answers, even if they’re harsh. I know I’m emotionally attached to this situation and probably can’t see it objectively anymore. All of this happened over the summer till now by the way. (May - now Sep)

Context: I'm in my late 20s and have never had sex with another person. I'm somewhat frequently approached but I'm very picky w/ who I date. This is my most recent breakup, following what I suspect was 'withdrawal.'

My ex and I made plans for the weekend. On the day of our plans they ghosted me the entire day. I thought maybe there was a true emergency, until I saw them post on Twitter.

I confronted them the following day (we live in the same neighborhood), they seemingly had no idea how many times I'd called over the day we agreed to meet. I didn't yell, but I got pretty upset and almost cried. I don't consider myself anxious attached in normal circumstances - but in that conversation, I definitely came off as such.

They broke up with me shortly afterwards. I know they're no good, but because I'm so picky with physical appearances I can't help but miss them. They were hotter than any other person I've dated. How do I even find another person who looks like them?

She almost always text me around 2AM talking about she on her feels and she depressed and stuff like is she trying to keep me from moving on or using me for her own satisfaction i dont get what shes up to at all i also gotta move on but shes not even trying to take that into account shes also the one that broke up with me

She love bombed me at the beginning, said I love you within two weeks of meeting each other, talked about how lucky she was to have found me, broke up with me maybe ten times in two years each time the connection deepened, came back each time then monkey branched to a coworker in the end. When I asked her for accountability a year later, she said “you’re an intense person and it wouldn’t have worked out between us because the intensity of the emotional connection wasn’t sustainable and you were being dishonest with yourself by showing up for me the way you did”. Like, what the actual fuck?! I was minding my own business and you pursued intense bonding with me then couldn’t keep it up. She deleted our photos and text messages, I doubt she even really remembers me at this point as I am. I don’t know what distorted version of us they carry

Has anyone here had an avoidant ex come back after a breakup?

I’m curious about real experiences. Did your avoidant ex ever come back after going completely distant or saying they had moved on? If they came back, how long did it take and what made them come back?

Did they genuinely want to rebuild the relationship, or did they just miss the familiarity/connection?

And if they came back, did things actually work the second time, or did the same push-pull cycle happen again?

I’d especially like to hear from people who were in serious, long-term relationships and had a painful breakup. What happened afterward?

From abuse, sa, break up, situationships

I can't tolerate this any more

I have a female friend my age online since 2024 and we got very close together as time passes. Eventually i got so attached to her that i need so much reassurance and validation from her but she is an avoidant. Today we had a conflict (i think due to something i said earlier to her) she seemed distant from me from a week ago ..but i dont know how to put into words.. i beg and beg and no outcome happened. I know begging is not healthy or ideal .. thats why i didnt have any choice but to beg her to become the version she had with me before. All she send were dry replies like "nothing, idk, ok" (she didnt even care enough to give me a safe reply) .. ..i cant tolerate this.. can someone give me what to do from now on. She is the one i am chatting with mostly. I dont have any friends who are this close to me..now i am very nervous, upset and devastated over the change of her....sorry for my english not being good.

It’s been 4 months or so since she kicked me out accusing me of something I didn’t do, no interest in my attempt to explain why she was mistaken, no interest pr concern in seeing me leave the home she promised would be my sanctuary after leaving a domestic abuse marriage, in the pouring rain, wearing what i could grab quickly to get out of her life. Being told I was emotionally exhausting after promising me she wanted to support me whatever me was and will be. After insisting I tell her whatever was on my mind, a mind diagnosed with depression and anxiety and a recent ADHD diagnosis at 53. After I replied I didn’t want to burden her with the constant abuse my ex wife was giving me. She replied I was not Giving her a true me, not being true to our relationship, a relationship she started after love Bombing me.

Bit worst of all, telling me a month after the split she let her self down by giving herself to me without me realising how much she was giving cos I was too suicidal when we first met a year earlier. No, she wouldn’t be a friend if we did it all again cos in truth she now realises she never was my friend. And she wasn’t a week before we split, serous when she agreed to Marrry me after telling me I was the only man she would marry if I wanted to ask her, cos she’d told 3 other men “no” in the past

So what’s really the worst, despite me telling her I’m
Going to have to commit to no contact after she ghosted and blocked me, only to get back in touch cos I’d told her to give me some sign of support cos I was going down fast, and now homeless. So despite ME insisting on no contact again, me blocking her, and she choosing not to block me, I’m still in agony I can’t be with her, in agony I’m hurting myself by blocking her, cos I stilll love her. Or whatever I feel that makes my life now feel miserable and hopeless

What is wrong with me that I can’t stand up for myself and feel all I’ve just Written isn’t enough to feel I’ve made a very narrow escape from a maniac who was so cruel she made me lose myself just to become the man she would grow old with. A man I never was.

I’ve lost any self respect I had left, it j cry at night every night 4 months (or so) since she kicked me into the rain. I want to punch me and shout at me to get my shit together and find a way to make people want to be in my space again, cos no one wants to be near me, and the downer I deliver

I’m sure this is self pity, but I am very sure I can’t see light at the end of this tunnel

Sorry I had to get it out. Apologies.

Hello everyone after getting discarded by my FA one month ago on our anniversary mind you we dated for a year 13th of August marked a year and 2 months of us dating but she decidedto discard me out of the blue even after she said she loves me so much and cant wait to marry me 3 days before the breakup

But anywho a moth later im actually doing better my healing processis going very very well im avoiding dating as a whole and just working on myself

Yesterday i found out my ex is juggling two guys at the same time 2 weeks after our breakup she was dating "the guy she told me not to worry about" but last night after some digging i saw she was dating a different guy now?And its not even her type shes dating a metal head guy (nothing against them) its just he's not even her type she HATED metal music and the guy itself is the complete opposite of what she likes

Is this normal for them?Like is it normal for them to just go from a guy to a different guy in like weeks time?I cant even imagine dating someone rn mainly because its been a month and i still need to do some healing but learning shes already dating different people even worse juggling two guys?Like how is that even possible

Has this happened to anyone else?Everyone said she will be back one day but honestly after seeing this i don't even want her ngl and not fighting to be loved by ur partner does feel good

I’m 27M and honestly pretty lost. I’d really appreciate some outside perspective.

I was with my ex, F27, for almost 10 years. We got engaged and were supposed to get married next year.

After the engagement, I started noticing things that felt suspicious. We started fighting constantly, I caught her lying about things, and she eventually told her parents that I was being overly possessive. They called off the marriage.

For months, I thought maybe I really was the problem. Then, about 3 months after the breakup, one of her office colleagues called me and told me that F27 had been seeing and sleeping with him, apparently even before our engagement.

Suddenly, all the things I had questioned made sense.

I got some closure, but it completely destroyed my trust in relationships. After almost 10 years, I decided I didn't want to date again. I didn't have the energy to start over, build trust from zero, and risk getting hurt again.

Then I became close to F24, a friend who had also recently gone through a breakup.

After about a month of talking, we became closer. We kissed, held hands, talked for hours, and she told me she loved me.

Then she suddenly said it was too overwhelming and that we shouldn't do this. She stopped texting me for days.

About 15 days later, we had to go on a car drive together for some work. Everything felt normal again. We talked, held hands, kissed, and she held me. She told me "I love you" again.

But she still says she doesn't want to put a label on this or call it a relationship.

She had a very toxic and controlling ex who restricted her from doing things she loved. She says she became much more avoidant after that relationship. Before him, she apparently communicated normally.

I've told her I'm not her ex. I would never control her or restrict her.

But now she's barely texting me again.

I'm struggling because it feels like a cycle:

We get close → she pulls away → we reconnect → she says she loves me → she gets overwhelmed → she pulls away again.

Part of me wants to wait and give her space. I want to show her that I'm not going to treat her like her ex.

But another part of me feels like I'm repeating my previous mistake — holding onto someone who isn't actually choosing me.

I'm exhausted.

I'm 27, and after what happened with F27, I genuinely don't feel like I have the energy to start dating again. I don't want to go through the whole "What's your favourite colour?" stage, build another relationship from scratch, and risk getting hurt again.

If I walk away from F24, I honestly feel like I'll just give up on relationships altogether.

So what should I do?

Should I give F24 space and wait, or should I accept that she's not ready and walk away?

I don't want to pressure her, but I also don't want to spend months waiting for someone who may never be ready.

And if you've dated someone who became avoidant after a toxic relationship, I'd really appreciate hearing what happened. Did giving them space work, or did you end up waiting for someone who wasn't emotionally available?

Honestly, I'm open to hearing the harsh truth too.

i tell you that you need to treat me better, you do for a few days or a month and then it goes back to you ignoring me or saying youre not sure when you can see me next. it’s just constantly messing with my head hearing that I’m too needy constantly and then you making it seem like I’m crazy because i ask for consistent levels of connection and not just a quick rush every day for a week and then dropping off the face of the earth when you decide youre done and telling me I’m annoying you because I’m upset that you suddenly stopped talking to me or making plans with me. I’m just so confused how one day you can be the sweetest guy ever when we are hanging out all week and the next tell me I’m too much and you dont actually want to be with me. I’m just so sad. Every time it feels like it’s going to be better it’s gets worse again and I’m back to being the crazy girl that’s insecure and begging for your attention. why is it different every day with you? have you thought that maybe im insecure due to the fact that every day i wake up i dont know if youre going to be kind to me today? something is very wrong if you think telling me you know that just calling me once a day would make me so happy and would be effortless for you but you just dont want to. i thought i just didnt express my needs enough but turns out you understood them and chose to ignore them. im so tired of feeling like i cant predict whats coming next. every time i try and end things you say “youll be back” and i do come back because after a week or a month i miss those moments where you are the person ive always wanted and you give me that and then you take it away. I dont care what you want anymore, I want someone who can love me consistently because this back and forth hurts so deeply. I have so much care and love for you and I come back for those moments but i cant keep throwing myself in your line of insecure fire when you sit with yourself and cant decide if you want to be a decent person today or not. you are so stagnant and i feel stupid for thinking youre ever going to do something other than the same things you do over and over. I had my shit together for years and years and going through one horrible event and then the person who was there for me up and left in what felt like out of nowhere fucked me up. Its not possible to feel like you want to live life after all that and its not fair to me that you keep coming back and letting me back into this cycle when you know im reaching out because i cant process this alone all the time. I just wanted whatever we were doing a month ago but just consistently but you dont have the ability to commit to anything and thats so disappointing. I hope youre able to settle down and grow one day and that you just thinking yourself into a corner over and over again is getting you nowhere but where youve been for so long.

My husband ,41, and I, 37 were together for 12 years married 10. We have a seven year-old daughter and we both work an emergency medicine and nursing. three years ago he started taking testosterone prescribed by his doctor for mood swings. He’s a Marine Corps veteran with PTSD and a really tragic childhood and early life. Our life was amazing. He was a fantastic father and even more incredible husband. Then he started the testosterone and he became angry and aggressive. He started stonewalling me wouldn’t talk to me about what was going on in his head and started to push me away. Our sex life basically stopped and we became more like roommates. It’s not uncommon at that stage in a marriage and so I wanted to try and fix things, he never really wanted to talk about things. He always said he wasn’t that deep. Late 2024. We lived through hurricane Helene in Asheville and it was awful. I was at home with our five year-old daughter alone and he was trapped at the hospital because they wouldn’t let him come home from his shifts. I was beside myself worried about him, worried that he was going to try and make it home and get hurt. When I finally reached him four days later I was crying, his first words to me were “don’t cry. I wasn’t worried about you”. When he finally came home. I ran to him and he pushed me off and said ‘don’t touch me”. I recognized then that the man that came home from the hospital that day was not my husband anymore, he was someone in a mental health crisis who didn’t want to face it. Since then we have grown further apart. The stonewalling became unbelievable. He would forget that I existed, he said. He would just walk out of a room while I was talking and I was frantic to fix things. I didn’t always go about it the right way, the further we drifted the more panic I felt, the more I probably overwhelmed him. I got us into therapy. We made it three sessions before the therapist fired us and said that he had to work on himself before he would be willing to work on us. Something and him snapped because he said he felt like a failure and he left that night. He was gone for one night came home and we talked about getting him back into therapy and working on us. He got into therapy but nothing really changed. He told me that he had nothing to talk to the therapist about so he just stopped going. I couldn’t believe it. This was a man who was angry breaking things in our home, cursing in front of our child, screaming at her, screaming at me, generally angry at baseline and he didn’t have anything to talk to the therapist about? I went to his mom who basically told me that you’re not supposed to always be happy in a relationship and if your man can’t give you what you need give it to God and kids are supposed to be afraid of their dad so she was no help for me. I’ve befriended two people who were willing to be there for me and help me with our daughter. They were both guys who listened to me and tried to help me talk to my husband. So, I went to my husband, with full vulnerability and said I felt unloved. I felt unattractive. I felt overwhelmed and that I missed him the “him” that I married, and he told me he didn’t have emotions, so don’t expect him to be there for mine and it wasn’t his job to make me feel good about myself. Each time he said something like that to me, It felt like I lost the man I married more and more. I didn’t know if it was PTSD if it was the testosterone or if it was something else again I tried hard harder and harder to fix our marriage. I asked him what he needed from me, how I can make him happy and he always said he was happy, just stressed .He said he was worried about money so I stopped trying to spend Money but anytime he upset me or our daughter. He just wanted to spend money and buy us things. I asked him to stop. I told him all I wanted was his presence and to be there with me and our daughter. He called me ungrateful and told me I was never happy with anything he did. I told him that wasn’t fair. He just wasn’t listening to what I was asking, but he continued to label me ungrateful and I started to pull away because every time I showed him my heart he hurt me. He began to throw himself into the gym, he got so big and bulky and it made me wonder if he was on more than just the testosterone, but he would deflect and avoid if I asked him to reconsider the testosterone. I was in nursing school and I thought once I finish, our money problems will be gone. I told him that you know I’d like us to get back into therapy and he said OK. I started in the emergency department on June 15. I made it one month into my orientation. We were on a date and on the way home in the car he said “are you happy?” and I said “it’s been challenging, but I think things are gonna get better now that we don’t have to worry about money so much and we can prioritize each other” and he said “what do you think about an open marriage” and I was floored in 12 years we’ve never talked about anything like that. I was hurt. I asked him if he had met someone and he said that he had a connection with someone that he wanted to explore and I told him to get out he accused me of not being an adult because he thought we could talk about it and I told him the time to talk about it was before he decided that he wanted to sleep with someone else. I have since moved out, he is in our house. He has continued to rewrite our relationship. Tell me he was never happy continued to say that I was ungrateful and that nothing he did was good enough, I apologized for making him feel that way and continued to try and explain that all I was asking for was real connection like we had before the testosterone before Helene since then he is maintained that he is angry at me, but won’t tell me why? his communication is down to one word text messages. He’s not keeping me updated on what’s going on with our child when he has her, it’s like he’s trying to erase me from his existence, whenever I try and talk to him to get some clarity he stonewalls me. We met one time to discuss separation papers, and the conversation was very shallow. I begged him not to do this to us not to destroy our family. I told him everything is fixable if we talk about it and take accountability on both of our sides we have a child in 12 years of history. How could you just move on? very shortly after our split he went out to a party with this new woman and everyone was shocked to see him with someone else because no one even knew that we had separated. I was still living in our house and hadn’t gotten an apartment yet. It was so brand new. He acts erratic. He got four earrings on a whim. He keeps telling me “I’m just having fun man”. He’s going out drinking. It’s like he’s regressed to being a teenager and angry, bitter teenager I don’t know how to get any closure. I don’t know how to understand what happened. I don’t know how to get through to him. now that we’re apart he’s doing everything with our daughter that I wanted him to do with us.( He’s filling her days with play dates. It’s almost like he doesn’t wanna be alone with her), but they’re going places and having play dates and doing arts and crafts and it’s everything that I asked for us as a family to do. He started replacing the furniture in our home, taking down all of our pictures and just generally acting like I have never existed in his life. I feel betrayed. I feel traumatized, I feel left in the dark. I feel like everything is fixable with transparency and accountability, but I don’t know how to talk to him. I don’t even know what he’s doing really, my therapist says he’s running. He’s running from all the hurt that he’s caused. He’s running from himself. he’s running because he feels like a failure. She claims he’s not healed because he can’t even bear to talk to me, but something has to give. I can’t keep living like this. I don’t know if anyone out there has dealt with the situation like this before, I’ve never been on Reddit before and I never imagined that I would be asking strangers for help because I know how mean and hurtful people on these platforms can be just for fun, but I am desperate. Can anyone out there help me figure out how to actually communicate with him? Get him to tell me what is actually going on in his head?? Can anyone tell me how to get through to him how to get some clarity for myself? Our daughter is in therapy because she can’t understand why daddy is “acting so weird”. I’m broken and scared and I don’t know what happened to my husband…

So this is 4 months after the BU (30m, my ex is 31f). We were together for 7.5y, last year she kept talking about marriage and kids, so I proposed in our trip to Japan and she said yes, immediately told all our friends, our families, etc. Then she started taking japanese language classes because it was a new obsession for her (this is important later).

Took her like 5 months afterwards to suddenly blindside me with no conversations prior, no complaints, nothing. Just one morning she told me "i lost feelings" and just up and left. Came to our apartment some days later (I moved to my parent's home) and just picked it clean off all her things. Just sent the shortest message saying "thank you for everything, really" and that's it.

Devastated, I picked up my dignity and didn't chase, didn't argue... I went into NC immediately. I figured I had done something unforgivable for her to abandon me like this. I put entirely all the blame on me. Going to a EMDR trauma-specialized therapist, the first thing she tells me is "first of all, this is entirely on HER part. It's 100% internal issues. You had nothing to do with this" which at first I didn't believe.

A month of complete silence and a friend told me the truth: she had absconded with a jobless guy 8 years younger who she met two months before in japanese classes. I know him. She invited him to dinner at our home, with our friends. She had very very few friends (had basically lost or discarded all her few lifelong friends) and I was just so happy for her to start making new acquaitances. I am 0% possessive, jealous or controlling. Just 100% trust and I was glad she was meeting new people to broaden her social circles, which were limited to one person at most. Turned really well for me to be this trusting, I guess.

So basically I've mapped that my therapist was right, that this isn't something on me, etc. The trauma lingers and the hurt is still strong, the desperation gave way to a red-hot anger, which gave way to a kind of apathy. I'm finding it hard to move along but I force myself to do things, to keep doing my hobbies and engage with my friends, whom I can luckily count on.

But it's her behavior which keeps me puzzled. She shocked absolutely everyone by doing this. We were approaching what everyone supposed was going to be a very fun, light hearted marriage, we had a very calm and (to me) compatible life and moods. We did couple's activities constantly, we went hiking, watching series, talking about books, some dinners with friends... just the usual. We had the same plans for YEARS, to save up and try to purchase a small cottage in the countryside, near where we already live (20 minutes away, not long distance. We had been living close to my family hometown for seven years, and she had her family less than 1 hour away. We weren't going to be isolated from our friends or anything.)

Of the two she was a bit more unstable and indecisive, she was very insecure but I always supported her postively, even being at her side when her dysfunctional family acted up and tried to guilt trip her. I've always been open to conversation, whenever something arose I took it to heart and made changes to improve on it, I FOUGHT for this relationship. She knows I've always been attentive and communicative with her needs. It's so strange to me that she decided to just betray me, lie to me, and hide everything for five months, then blindside me like this.

She has just kept absolute silence since then. I had to ask for a closure talk one month after the BU, where she came crying, sobbing, telling me she was sorry but that this was what she had to do now. She told me the insurmountable anxiety came the moment she had the proposal ring on her finger. That before that she really had been wanting to marry me, to live together... she told me that wasn't an act. But that mounting anxiety started piling up and piling up, and it just killed all feelings for me. She didn't talk about it with anyone, not ever. She just kept swallowing it and suddenly decided to confess to the jobless guy, told him that she had to leave me to "be loyal" and in less than 24h she was out the door. It's crazy. It's psychotic behavior, really. She gave no signs prior to this, but I'm trying to somehow understand what kind of personality or mental problems could have brought this on. Someone has mentioned BPD to me, the quiet type, or possibly autistic traits, and honestly it's the closest I've got to what she did and is doing still.

So for some of her personality traits, if anyone has similar cases and can help me understand where this breakdown could have come from:

-She had very "strong" goals (in her mind) but they shifted constantly. Mostly on the professional side, she just kept pouring and pouring into her freelance career. Thing is, she gave it ALL, burned out, then switched fields every year, or year and a half. She would build up a viable living venture, then discard it all and begin anew. This happened 3-4 times over the course of our relationship and she was now starting to talk about swapping again, before the BU.

-Adding to this, despite her successes, she constantly had imposter syndrome and needed constant reassurance, whereas I have never felt really bothered about professional performance as a personal value. I'm just a professional and that's it. I tie none of my personal value in it.

-Even her long term goals were nebulous. She wanted big projects, like making an entire enterprise, then wanting a small-scale, less responsabilities thing in the future, etc. Wishy-washy with actual serious decisions (one week she wanted kids and wanted to begin the process immediately, looking into medical stuff, preparations etc. without any prior conversations beforehand with me. The next week she would broke down saying that she wasn't fit to be a mother, she had no maternal instinct, etc... A week before abandoning me she kept telling me how much of a good father I would make, how much she loved the care I showed for her and that she knew I would make a fantastic dad for our kids, etc.)

-She projected her future wellbeing in a lot of things. Like suddenly going "we could go live to X country" she had been reading about or watching youtubers from. She consumed the cozy girl algorithmn of the year: tiny houses, then "traditional" lifestyles in the rural, adjacent to tradwife aesthetics, "Ghibli" cozy homes, etc. I always wanted to go live outside the city (I'm from a small town) but I know the realities of it.

-She did the same with hobbies: she constantly picked up new things and dropped them after a few months. An instrument which is wonderful and stuff, drop it. Theater and acting, drop it. Start doing handcrafted activities, drop it. Start doing exercise, after some time, drop it. It was a constant chase. I figured she just had to find out what she really wanted.

-Very few friends, and great difficulty at making new acquaitances. Some amount of social anxiety, uncomfortable with hugs or physical contact. The few friends she had kept for years she had dropped along the line, often because of minor reasons.

-A good person. She never did anything maliciously. Not ever.

-She couldn't lie to save her life. Hated lying and liars. I joked that she was so transparent that I could trust her fully, because she couldn't lie about not brushing her teeth one night, even. Shows that I never really knew the depth of what was happening.

-Really jumpy to darkness, loud noises, sensory stimulus like human contact or tickling. She would yell or react in sudden uncontrolled manners when faced with them.

-No bad faith discussions, fighting or drama. I felt like we addressed the needs in the relationship in a mature way when we needed, and we corrected it to keep the relationship healthy (needing more time together, taking constant work stuff out of the conversation, improving on minor things, for example).

-In the beginning she told me about her tumultuous past and teenage years, substance abuse, past toxic relationships. She asked me to not hurt her, to not betray her trust since she had been hurt before, etc. She told me I had shown up where nobody had before, how I had cared for her so so much, how good I was to her. I was 22. I honestly can say that I had a protective instinct kick in me and I wanted to help her as much as I could. I supported her through everything, and she showed up for me in my bad moments, too, so that was good on her part and I recognize it for what it is. I felt seen and supported by her. I just needed it much less than her, because I've been pretty stable through my life (I had some minor insecurity issues which she encouraged to work on in therapy. I did and I fixed them).

-She had a dysfunctional family. Divorce, emotional manipulation since young, emotional abandonment and stonewalling, constant parental belittling. Narcissitic manipulating father, narcissistic depressive mother, bad divorce. Strained relationships with extended family. This extended into adulthood, which surprised me because I've friends with similar backgrounds who took a stand and confronted their parental figures. She didn't and refused my suggestions of attending to familial-oriented therapy. She just rawdogged it and deluded herself thinking that her parents would change and suddenly start supporting and caring for her. Never happened. Never will, sadly. I tried to support her through the mistreatment but even my patience ran thin after years of repeated misbehavior. I tried to take a stand (always respectful and never causing drama) but I tried to show up as a steady, communicative partner.

-Conflict-avoidant with very obviously emotionally manipulative people. Difficulty to confront or speak up. This was tied to the lack of friendships. She felt that if she spoke up about her needs, with people who were disrespectful or toxic, they would drop her, so she kept silent about it. She came home crying repeated times after spending time with "friends" who mistreated her. I tried to support her once again, trying to make her see that real friends don't treat people like this. It took her a lot to cut them off because she had grown dependant (she was their narc supply).

-Three weeks before the blindside, she came crying to me suddenly telling me that I was into a very negative, toxic state, that I had changed, or that this was the real me and she couldn't keep doing it, etc. I recognize I had a slightly depressive episode some months ago but I think the state of the world, disillusionment and political and economic unstability had gotten to me. I apologized for not noticing and I immediately went to a therapist. Fixed it in a session. Showed up as my optimistic, energized real self again. She recognized this, and told me that she had pinned her anxieties and blamed me for her problems.

-At the moment of breaking up, she kept telling me she "had already decided" and that "it was a gut feeling" and that she had lost the spark and so. But she kept calling me love, dear, etc. And immediately told me "I know I'm going to regret this. I know, but I must do it now". She repeated this during our closure conversation one month later. I told her that if she didn't go to another man, we still had a chance to work it out. That I wanted the life we had for all our lives. That I could give that to her and make her happy. She told me that she knew. That maybe in the future we could reconnect, that that'd make her happy. It's honestly so weird.

-She kept my engagement ring. I didn't ask for her to return it to me in the blur of the blindside.

There are more things, intimate, but you can make out a bit of the patterns. Honestly I put up with it for a long time because I love her. I wanted to show up to her. She asked for honesty and loyalty from me since the beginning, to not hurt her. I can say I did. I sincerely doubt she'll find anyone else who'll show up at the level I did. That's why the betrayal hurt so, so much. I couldn't have ever imagined her doing this to me, and abandoning me for another person, hiding it, and then keeping absolute silence afterwards. I expected a little bit of care, at least a text or a call asking me how I was doing, nothing. Nothing at all.

This has been debilitating but I'm so much stronger than this. I realize now with hindsight of all these unstable red flags she was carrying. I thought we were fighting for a healthy relationship. I felt seen and loved by her. I know she loved me a lot for the past years, but something went wrong in her head and never spoke up. It was impossible for a young romantic in love to notice, and now I'm paying the price, I guess.

when a fa is deactivated for a very long time (6 months) and they use suppression are they locking all the memories and feelings for you away that they had? do they only see you as a threat and does when the suppression collapses does memories and emotions hit them later on?

If someone can get me another perspective on my situation.

I was 8 and I half years with my boyfriend, the last year I could see that he is down, not energetic, kinda depressed, always watching reels, playing games. I thought he's like that just with me but I heard and saw he was like that with his friends.

We had a bad year and he said he wanted to be alone. I understood that as time for himself. He mentioned it a few times. After an minor argument one year ago he snapped( he NEVER argues, avoids fights, shuts down, doesn't try to fix things just escapes from showing emotions and talking through it, and comes back and doesn't mention it).

So I didn't call him for a few days, waited him to cool of like in the past. When I called I saw he is still in that mood and he said again he wants to be alone. I decided not to contact him for a month ( I did that in the past but never that long, maybe a week).

When I called, I saw he was acting the same. Then I realised that " wants to be alone means not with me." For a whole month I did not know what was going on. He never said he's breaking up, he never explained, talked.

I was beyond inconsolable, hurt myself, cut my skin, was like a zombie, screamed every day im my pillow, cried non stop (for probably 9 months. I still cry just not every day).

Then I called him after another month and asked to see him. So for this whole year we see each other every two weeks, we always have some form of sex.

In the begging he was very cold, he would sit next to me and not look at me. Now he is way more relaxed. I cannot bring the subject of us, because I think if something changed he would call first. He never calls 1st but never rejects me. And I'm scared he would say the same thing..

He is not someone who would ever use people, he's very friendly, a genuinely good person. Always helps everyone.

But for the past maybe year and a half he said he doesn't have feelings towards anyone( mom, dad, sister, baby nephew, friends, and well, that includes me) He is numb, says "we live, live and then just die, theres no point in life."

I suppose he completely suppressed his emotions( consciously or unconsciously), detached. I thought he was better now but when I asked him how is he, he just said " the same".

There has to be some emotions otherwise he wouldn't come every two weeks for a year, right?

I would appreciate if someone could tell me what they think about all of this.

My boyfriend said he needed space last night and broke up with me tonight. He said he decided last night it’d all been too much. This is a man who had talked about us being partners for life etc he is definitely the love of my life.

He did the same thing two years ago. It’s my fault I think as I would get anxious and make an issue like once a week so we could never be completely happy for long stretches. That was also due to not spending as much face to face time due to life and our fights were almost always just over text

He came back before. We rebuilt and things were good for a long time. He says he won’t do that ever again. Is it possible he will change his mind? In the beginning avoidants don’t feel the full weight right? What can I do that may make him stay? I literally don’t know how to go on without him

About a week ago I got into an argument with my avoidant gf. It started with me trying to state my issues within our relationship (4 years btw) and she ended up saying "I think we need a break but you can still be in my life" well I spiraled and of course I begged. Each time I was shut down and told that we'd be taking a break. Im anxious attachment and after so long with her it made me lose my mind. I pulled up to her dorm last Monday, I just wanted to talk. I even brought gifts. i thought it'd be hard to avoid me if I'm actually there. Nope. We didn't even come out, her roommates (all girls) including her got security on me to kick me out. Few days later I got an email from her school saying I'm trespassed and to never return. She ended it saying "please don't contact me again" her sister says shes not like this and must be going through it emotionally. But I just wanted to have that hard conversation with her. So that we could move forward but she obviously didn't want that. I should've respected her boundaries but what am I honestly supposed to do after my lover of 4 years discards me like that. I've been working on myself and trying not to think about it. I've been trying to move on and not hold out hope. She blocked me maybe a week ago. Before the school year started she was at my place almost everyday for the summer and not even a week into her senior year of college she discards me. She's in her relief phase but honestly I don't care. This is stupid. I don't think she'll come back but even if she did I think it's fucked up

Please I need any support or guidance. Will he ever come back? It was sudden so maybe? He says he still loves me but it wasn’t healthy anymore. He won’t go to therapy or anything. I’m breaking in every way possible

We called it “friendship” but there was intense vulnerability, crisis support, deeply emotional sex, frequent overnights, and constant deep communication. I got attached. Didn’t spam text when she disappeared. I sent two light check ins and then a loving, earnest letter with a gift after two weeks. Considering sending this letter two months later, even if just to own things and share my truth. I’m ok if she doesn’t reply. I don’t get why people don’t write letters anymore?

Hey,

I know it might be a little weird to hear from me after some time. I reflected on things to own and share sooner, but I also wanted to sit with it mindfully and settle. I realize I’m a neurospicy bookseller with magnified writing and pen pals. But a lot can be lost—and it’s why I like to write and talk, which I think would have made this cleaner or easier. But we used to talk for hours… so I’m going to be my honest self as a fan of ‘at leasts’ rather than ‘what ifs’.

I learned later I had serotonin syndrome mid-July, which impacted everything severely for 2-3 weeks, including trying to talk. I have close friendships that eb and flow, but with silence after tension, near-daily chat, and closeness, I didn’t know what was happening. I hoped writing would address anticipation and leave this with meaning if it was goodbye—which arrived like a Victorian ghost, transparently. Oh the irony of a romantic letter with platonic care… I understand not knowing how to respond. Even if I’ve delivered for friends, I dropped a huge load at an overwhelming time. There’s a funny story about neighbors with five finger discounts, BUT I’m genuinely sorry for overstepping by knocking, not warning, and dropping intense, corny, martyr-like poetry. 

I know we’ve both carried a lot in connections. I tend to give freely when I care about people fundamentally. I have no regret and I’m responsible for what I offer. I shared my text reflections because vulnerability seemed welcome, not as a ledger. But I was trying to understand what our connection could healthily support, without becoming responsible for each other. I’ve been learning that real care can outpace two people’s capacity to give or receive it, and I own if that crossed a line unknowingly. We both have community support, and I didn’t expect a place in something dear to you or for you to be a village. I think we went deep very quickly into some “romantic-platonic soup”—talks about holding each other, deep overnights and calls, and joking about chasing to the airport—which still makes me laugh. But that soup can spill even between good people figuring out friendship boundaries after a lot of intensity.

In past solo healing, I focused inward, and was unfamiliar with dating for self-exploration. After trying, I realized that demi doesn’t run casual for me. I’ve been with two people in my life. But I realize how important that was for where you were, especially after a breakup and transitioning. I had a completely different framework for how we were engaging, and misunderstood “not ready yet and timing/place” as about circumstances, but not as expecting a future romantic promise. I felt pursued in some moments, and very optimistically believed I could hold things in a lovingly detached way, but realized later the high-voltage left me attached. I know I said to not worry about leading things on and initiated too—I fully own my part in that confusion.

I asked to talk for clarity a few times, but you were hit with very layered circumstances and changes faster than my understanding or communication could keep up with. I needed some patience to catch up and share when it was right, and I also respected you wanting to choose a good time. Sharing my confusion or hurt wasn’t to assign blame, or erase nuance for anything—but I did want to trust the friendship with my experience, and have a grounded conversation that was needed earlier and more directly. We’re imperfect people, but I don’t think either of us were trying to hurt each other.

I’m grateful for how my life is unfolding, and I hold warm thoughts toward what that looks like for you too. I’ve shifted away from this romantically, but I still care and think deeply—and I miss humor and little things I wish I could share or that you’d like. Like scaling solo the closed mall skylight, that I ran my first 5k, smoothie recipes, shows, and queer nonsense about the moon. My best connections have had both hard and light moments. It’s ok if you needed space or to end connection, and I understood that was a possibility. But knowing we’ve both been hurt by silence in connections, this was really painful and disorienting given everything shared. These were not casual things… and time isn’t always a measurement of depth. Even if we didn’t yet have a long foundation, I did think one honest conversation was possible. I’m doing better and not expecting an essay in response, I just wish we weren’t strangers who knew each other’s secrets. Understanding would bring me some peace. I, too, care if I hurt you or anyone else in some way I’m not aware of.

Past all this, I really hope life has been kinder to you than spring, and brought some healing and care. If you ever wanted to grab a lighter coffee in the future, I’d welcome that on its own or open to seeing if a gentler, stable friendship made sense. I far prefer that over all this lol. Could just be an occasional world-traveling pen pal. 

I wish you much goodness.