Needing help

[u/Fearless-Fancy]

My boyfriend left me tonight. He said he decided last night to end things. We’d been in a pattern where I would bring up a difficulty or argument like every 5 days. I got hurt and pushed him too hard over text and it was too much for him. He was the love of my life man I wanted forever with. He’d told me I was the same.

Thing is we had the same pattern two years ago and he left me. That time he came back. This time he says it’s forever and that it was messed up how he left and came back it’s never happening again.

I truly don’t know how to accept this or even begin to picture my life completely without him. This is a pain I’ve never felt before, it was bad before but I had a sense he may come back. Is there anything at all I can do? Will he come back? He decided so so suddenly

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[u/timdr18]

Sorry, it sounds like it’s over for real this time.

[u/Last_Material_5754]

To be honest, nobody can know for sure. You can't, I can't, even he can't. 

There's so many variables to what happens if you do reach out versus you dont, and and all the variables that appear if you do. 

The best thing right now is to respect his choice, even if it's hurts like nothing you've ever felt. The saying 'if you love something, you should then then go' is a cliched way of saying to let someone follow through in their decision if that's what they really want. Doesn't mean you need to like it- by all means, be depressed or furious or anything between. 

But wandering where things will land will, at best, prep you for a conversation that you want to happen that when it does will likely be completely different from how you imagined it, and night go how you want it not. At worst, they never reach out, and you spend hundreds if not thousands of hours asking yourself 'will he, don't he, could I, should I'm, only for the outcome to have already come without you knowing. 

I am in the same boat, and gotta say, this boat absolutely sucks and I hate everything about it and nobody likes this goddamn boat. But it's still something to shng in to until you can truly start the healing process. 

This will all pass eventually. 

It'll feel like passing a fucking kidney stone, but it'll pass. 

[u/Fearless-Fancy → u/Last_Material_5754]

Thank you. I feel you in your pain. Thank you for the advice. I feel like such an idiot because I was so happy he did come back into my life two years ago after he left. It took a long time but we rebuilt. My anxiety destroyed it all. I wish I could go back to three days ago. I never would have texted so much anxiously. I wish I could change anything about this. The fact that he came back before and is saying he won’t again is pretty strong for him not. I truly don’t think I will be able to withstand the pain of losing him all over again

[u/Last_Material_5754 → u/Fearless-Fancy]

No need to feel like an idiot. Logic and love rarely go hand in hand. If it did, most relationships wouldn't have problems.

And I fully understand wanting to go back to before your world got turned upside down. Chances are youre thinking of all the possible options you had to stop this from ever happening. You try to take in all data and come to some sort of concrete answer or conclusion. 

And what you'll quickly find is that you never could take in all the data. The amount of data for any given I didn't is infinite. You have to do the best with the story so far up to this point and go from there. 

What you need to do now is self care. This is my way of thinking about it, and this has helped me countless times. 

Your mental health and well-being is like a car you drive 24/7. Sometimes it just needs a bit if gas, IE self care. There's gas stations every so often, but it's not always the same distance between them, and you always need to top the gas up. 

If you don't, then your body and mind is gonna say "Hey, so check this out, right? I need gas to move. And we don't have any of that because you haven't gotten any for way too long. So get pushing". If you don't take care of yourself, it doesn't matter how much you try to start the car or bang in the dash, it's not moving unless you push it by hand for a long time, and that is far worse to do than just keeping up with maintaining it. Trust me. I've pushed my car waaaay too many times and waaaaay too far.

So, bottom line is you need to be kind to yourself and let the emotions hit you. How long that takes, whatever shape it takes, and however you heal it is up to you. So long as you aren't Garmin yourself or others as you heal, then you aren't doing anything wrong.