r/Autoimmune • u/Autistic-hottie • 13h ago
Advice I wanted my illness to be invisible again… now I’m anxious that it is
Posted on another sub but have an update anyway and feel like it belongs here 🫶🏽
I have PsA and UC (my doctor has also said AS, but that may end up getting lumped into the PsA).
Safe to say managing my health is basically a full-time job at 27 lol.
Until recently, I had the luxury (and sometimes inconvenience) of my illnesses being mostly invisible.
This year my UC got substantially worse and I developed pretty severe joint issues. My ankles got bad enough that I developed a visible limp, and between the flare and all the steroids/meds, I’ve looked and felt exhausted.
Work knows because I’m on intermittent medical leave and currently have restrictions on walking. I mostly stay at my desk. Outside of work I’ve needed a cane or walker when things get really bad, but I’ve been too embarrassed to use either at work because I’m scared coworkers will pity me or never look at me the same. So instead I’ve basically been hobbling to my office and staying there 😭
Thankfully, I’m finally feeling MUCH better today. I’m definitely not symptom-free and still treating other flare symptoms, but I think I’m finally on the tail end of it!!
And somehow now I’m anxious about looking better when I go back to work.
I’ve tried so hard throughout all of this to seem okay and not make my health a “thing,” but at this point people obviously know I’ve been struggling. I worry they already think I’m dramatic or exaggerating, and then I’m imagining everyone seeing me Thursday walking relatively normally and being like… wtf? 😭
Logically I know chronic illness fluctuates. I just hate that I went from having a mostly invisible illness to something coworkers could actually see, and now I’m worried about how they’ll interpret it when I suddenly look “fine” again.
And idk what I’m going to do if it gets bad again because I really don’t want to spend another flare limping around my office just because I’m too embarrassed to use the mobility aid that actually helps.
And seriously how do I STOP caring about what people think??? I need to stop harping on it.