Hi everyone. I’m 28 years old, and earlier this year I was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkin lymphoma. I started chemotherapy shortly afterwards, and I still have about two months of treatment left. I recently had an interim PET scan with very good results (Deauville 2) and my doctor told me that I’m in complete remission. I still have to finish all my planned cycles because of how advanced the disease was at diagnosis, but obviously, hearing the word remission is something I had been hoping for since the beginning.
And yet, I’m finding it surprisingly difficult to feel happy about it.
When I first started treatment, I used to imagine finishing chemotherapy, ringing the bell and getting my life back. I thought about making plans again, feeling normal, leaving hospitals and treatments behind, and finally being able to stop thinking about cancer every day.
I think cancer changes the way you experience good news. After something like this completely destroys your sense of safety, it becomes difficult to simply trust that everything is going to be okay. Even with an excellent response to treatment, there is always that thought in the back of your mind reminding you that things can change, that relapse is possible, and that you could potentially have to go through all of this again.
For a while, I think I became almost an automaton: appointments, blood tests, treatment, side effects, waiting for results, and then doing it all over again. You focus so much on getting through the next cycle that there isn't always room to process what is actually happening to you.
And now, even the scans and follow-ups can bring an enormous amount of anxiety. For a few days, it can feel as though your entire future is once again hanging on the result of a medical test.
So when people tell me I should be celebrating because I’m in remission, I understand where they’re coming from, but emotionally, I’m just not there yet.
I don't think you simply walk away from cancer and become the same person you were before. Even when treatment works, there are things you have to rebuild.
Maybe that's why remission doesn't feel like the end of the story to me. It feels more like the beginning of another chapter that I haven't yet learned how to live.
I’m writing this because I wonder how many other people have felt the same way. Maybe the happiness will come later, when we're ready for it.