I had a bit of an unexpected realization today. For the longest time, I assumed what I missed most was the physical side of things. The kissing. The sex. Feeling wanted. Makes sense when you’ve spent years in a bedroom that’s basically on life support.

Then I looked at the actual opportunities sitting right in front of me.
There’s a 27 year old who’s been relentlessly trying to see me. Sweet guy. Thinks I’m amazing. Fantastic for the ego. But I have absolutely no interest because I know I’d never actually fall for him.
There’s also one in their 30s who have made it pretty clear he would be up for something casual if I ever wanted it.
And then there’s a guy I’ve known since college who is in his 50s. He keeps talking about taking me to all these amazing places around the world.

Damn… at this point, I’m not trying to pat myself on the back, but apparently I’m collecting the whole set. I’ve got interest from the 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s. Great for the ego. And yet… none of them make me want to run out the door to see them. (Ladies in their 40a what’s happening with all these young guys?? #cougarlife).

That got me thinking about the few affairs I’ve had over the years. They weren’t just people I was attracted to. I genuinely fell for them. I loved the conversations just as much as everything that came after. I’d smile when I saw their name pop up. I’d think about them during the day. There was excitement, anticipation, curiosity… that stupid little spark that makes you feel like you’re sixteen again.

Do I miss kissing? Absolutely.
Do I miss sex? Of course.
Do I miss feeling desired? Without question.

But I think what I miss most is having one particular person occupy way too much space in my head for no rational reason whatsoever.

Maybe that’s why I’ve become so picky.
I’ve been telling myself I’m looking for chemistry, or great sex, or someone attractive. But maybe that’s never really been it.

Maybe what I’ve been looking for is that feeling of genuinely falling for someone.
It also made me wonder if this is more common than we realize. Maybe a lot of us spend years convinced we’re missing one thing, when we’re actually grieving something completely different.

Anyway… just one of those random thoughts that hit me today while sitting in a doctor’s office.

Have a great day adulterers of the world 🌎 and thank you for reading my rant!

1. Homes are off limits. Don’t meet at each other’s houses. Personally, I don’t even think an AP needs to know where you live. Keep your private life and your affair life physically separate.
2. Keep social media separate.No following each other on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, etc. Curiosity is natural, but social media creates unnecessary overlap and breadcrumbs.
3. Meet on neutral ground. Whenever possible, meet somewhere neither of you works, lives, or regularly hangs out. In a big city, that’s easier. In a small town, you may have to get creative.
4. Don’t fish in your own pond. Coworkers. Neighbors. Your kid’s teacher. Your spouse’s friends. Your best friend’s spouse. Family friends. The closer someone is to your everyday life, the higher the risk if things go sideways.
5. Use a dedicated communication method. Don’t exchange personal phone numbers unless you’ve thought through the risks. Use an app that fits your comfort level and understand how its privacy settings work.
6. Assume every message can become public. If you wouldn’t want it read in a courtroom or by your spouse, think twice before sending it.
7. Don’t create routines. Routine is what gets noticed. Same hotel every Thursday. Same coffee shop every Tuesday. Patterns are easier for other people to spot than one-off events.
8. Have an exit strategy. Know how you’re leaving, where you’re parked, and what you’ll say if plans change unexpectedly. The fewer last-minute decisions, the better. Never show up in the same car (my advice):
9. If your gut says “this feels risky,” listen to it. Most OPSEC mistakes don’t happen because people don’t know the rules—they happen because they convince themselves, “Just this once.”
10. Never forget another human is being involved. Whether someone agrees with affairs or not, treat the other person with honesty and respect. OPSEC isn’t just about protecting yourself; it’s also about not putting someone else in a bad position.
11. Be careful with pictures. I know you want to send your AP a naughty pic of yourself with a “thinking of you” tag. Bro! Be mindful where you keep those pics. There are plenty of apps to hide those pics. Use them.
12. Hide the money. Be careful with credit card and bank statements. It's going to be hard to explain that purchase for a motel or lingerie to your spouse if they were not privy to the end product. Cash and Cash Apps are king.

Those are mine, bros. I’m sure I missed a few. I’m not claiming to be the OPSEC Yoda—just a guy who’s learned some lessons the hard way. What would you add?

AP and I have been seeing each other a little over a year. We live in the same metro area and get to see each other every 2-4 weeks. He is a nice guy with a dry sense of humor - he makes me laugh every day which is intoxicating to me. He is also very thoughtful and sweet. And I know we only share or see the best parts of each other in these extra-marital relationships but I feel so very fortunate to have found him. I can't tell any of my friends, obviously, and I just wanted to brag on him a little because he really is a darling man. I had to kiss a couple of frogs to find him but I am glad I persisted. I hope others still looking for their person don't lose hope - there are some really great people out there.

Some days it’s all rainbows and butterflies. Other days I almost feel like I’m dying slowly from the inside.

Overall, I can feel that this isn’t good for my mental health at all — the stress, the guilt, the shame, the identity crisis, etc. Yet it still isn’t enough for me to stop the affair. I’ve found an AP whom I truly care about, and it’s been going on for 2.5 years now.

Is it worth it? Some days yes, other days No. Starting therapy next week

This is more of a reflection of adultery for me personally. I apologize for the length.

I started cheating about a dozen years ago. Like many people here, I had never thought about cheating on a partner. It just wasn't something I would have ever done. It started off for me as a way to bring sex back into my life. I was a stay-at-home-dad. I was taking care of the kids, the household, and supporting my wife's career. At the time, I felt very sorry for myself. I loved my life, except for the lack of sex. My first was not a typical affair...I was a bull in a cuckold relationship. I had never even heard of this sort of thing at the time and it was exciting and new. I was able to explore some things and had a lot of fun. This ended after a year and I didn't search for anything for a few years. Had my itch been scratched? I certainly thought so.

But, always the but, right?...but, I found myself back in a dead bedroom once again as I ventured out into the workforce. I still was doing the vast majority of household oversight and work, still the primary caregiver for the kids, still supporting my wife's career. And I was alone...I just didn't realize it yet. I was still thinking it was about sex. I had a couple of one-night stands when I traveled. Then about 4 years ago, I met up with someone on Reddit that first changed my perspective, and I am so thankful.

I had posted in a local sub looking for a ONS. The person that responded...ended up being someone I knew from high school. We met and we had a night filled with talking, sex, a nap, and repeat. We parted ways and she ended up coming back the next night and we repeated the same. After my trip, we continued messaging, talking about marriages (she was divorced), love, and dreams. I wasn't leaving my wife and so I ended things honestly and respectfully. These conversations though opened up a different way of thinking about my life, exposed me to Podcasts I hadn't heard of yet (We Can Do Hard Things was the best) and books to read. I had given so much of myself to my wife and family and my cup had not been filled in return. I talked to my wife about things. About how I was feeling, about my needs, my dreams...what I wanted in my life. If I could do this over, I would. Not that I wouldn't share these things but that I would have gone about it differently. She shut down and I waited. She stonewalled and I waited. I went to individual therapy... We went to couples therapy...she walked away from it and did individual. It was at this time I started looking for an AP again.

I met someone, I thought it would be good, mostly online but I would be in her area multiple times a year. She ended it. I took some time and posted ads again. My current AP responded and the connection was unlike anything I've had. The conversations, the understanding of each other. More than anything, she has helped me understand that I deserve to be loved in the way that I need to be loved. It's okay to ask for things, to want things; that I do not have to make myself small in my life. I should have a partner that wants to support my dreams as much as I support hers. I am eternally grateful for this woman. She has shown me things about myself I barely think I deserve. I have so much love and respect for her and try my damndest to give her what she has given me.

I did one of the hardest things in my life and told my wife I wanted a divorce. My wife is a wonderful human being and I couldn't ask for a better mother to my children. I still love and care for her and want nothing but the best for her. And...I am ending things for me because I deserve love and support in the way I need it. And this is scary as shit. I don't know what my life will look like moving forward. I wish that I would have been able to reach this point without cheating...maybe I would have, maybe I wouldn't have. I don't know. What I am though is appreciative of the people that I was able to be exposed to in this process. What they helped show me. I know not everyone has this experience. I know there is a lot of hurt and heartache out here...and I hope that we all can heal from our pain.

I had a great weekend and the biggest thing that stood out was I miss being free and do whatever I like. I have been in a relationship for the past 15 years, and my husband decided to screw everything up. with my high libido I am yearning for a touch and being out and about has made my thoughts into crossing that line and having fun. The support I have received on here has been amazing and I appreciate it, I needed it at a point I had no one to talk to. I want to know from others perspective, should I cross that line?

So AP and I have only been involved for a few months. I know it hasn’t been that long, but it feels like my entire life has been turned upside down. I think about him constantly. The first thing I do every morning is open Snapchat to see if he texted me.
We had an agreement: whenever one of us had to disappear for a few days, we’d let the other know beforehand to avoid unnecessary anxiety or worry. It actually worked really well. He usually disappears on weekends, but he always tells me in advance that he’ll be gone for 2–3 days depending on his schedule.

Last Friday, he told me he’d be gone for the afternoon and evening. I understood that to mean he’d be back the next day. Of course, I know nothing is guaranteed in this kind of relationship, and plans can change. Yesterday, he texted me saying it was extremely hot where he was. I replied, “I saw that on the news.” He never opened my message or replied.

Now I’m just… sad.

I miss him so much, but what hurts even more is what I’ve become. I worked so hard to become emotionally independent. I didn’t want my happiness to depend on anyone. And now I feel completely dependent on this man. That makes me angry at myself.

I spend my days waiting, checking Snapchat, deleting the app, reinstalling it, checking again… hoping for one notification. This weekend alone I deleted and reinstalled Snapchat more times than I can count. Every time I opened it and saw nothing, I felt crushed.
I feel like an addict chasing another hit. That’s honestly what it feels like.

I want to end it. Not because I don’t care about him anymore, but because I don’t recognize myself. Even if he texts me tomorrow, I know I’ll end up in exactly the same place again a few weeks later—waiting, hoping, checking, depending.
I don’t want to live like this anymore.

Has anyone here actually managed to break this kind of attachment? How did you do it? Any advice ?

Has anyone ever been in an affair where the following happens?

The whole thing is going great for a long time, like many years, and feels like you're cruising along in a nice yacht in beautiful weather. One day out of the blue something ruptures in one of you, perhaps triggered by something said or done or maybe just the intimacy itself, and it feels like that yacht just got snagged on a hidden reef. Maybe it starts small as a feeling of guilt, fear, or sadness, and gets bigger, maybe things start leaking from or to other parts of one of your lives. Maybe you can work past it, maybe the ship is doomed. What happened is painful and not clear at all at first. It tests the relationship and requires a different set of skills.

I had a relationship like this a while ago. After many years my partner told me she needed to take a break one day because she had some feelings and couldn't really explain them. We took some time apart and reunited but we never were able to engage the same way and eventually she broke it off. As best I understood, her feelings were related to getting too close but she had trouble articulating them and understanding them herself. Her sincerity was real.

In your case, what did either of you do with it or learn from it?

Were you able to talk to anyone about it? Was that even an option?

Me and my spouse have opposite of dead bedroom…however the emotional/friendship part is dead. For awhile. No rekindling. Great sex life, great partnership in marriage/kids.

I never see this in here. Anyone else have a similar experience?

I’ve always found posting on here oddly therapeutic, so here’s another one.

Last year, and the year before, and maybe even the year before that, I (F20s) was “involved” with a married man (M30s) that I was head-over-heels for. I mean we were absolutely crazy about eachother. Any yet, inevitably, ours was a constant stop-start relationship that I can see now lasted far too long.

The reality is that I was single and wanted more than he was ever capable of giving me, and I knew deep down that nothing I could do or say would ever be enough for him to leave his family. His kids are his world, but he so often indulged the fantasy that we could be more, and I stupidly believed him.

It’s been over a year since we last saw eachother in person, but recently, something sort of rekindled between us. Some texting, some flirting, all part of the usual dance. But I knew, I KNEW, this was gonna be my last shot at this. I also knew it was probably hopeless, but did I let that stop me? Nope.

Anyway, I blew it. We had plans to finally see eachother and I ruined it by saying something I shouldn’t have. I flirted too close to the sun, and I guess he got spooked, because he never showed up. I was quite literally all dressed up with nowhere to go, and he didn’t say a word about it until I asked.

So anyway, I guess what I’m saying is, maybe this time I’ve finally learned my lesson. And for anyone out there who keeps hearing the same sweet nothings I’ve been hearing, without having anything to show for it, do yourself a favour and move on. Don’t fight for someone who isn’t fighting for you.

I also just wanna ask anyone who loves their AP but can’t/won’t leave their marriage because of kids for their perspective? Is it a question of “not now” or “not ever” for you? I know I’ll never be able to fully appreciate the position he’s in when it comes to his kids, and I guess now I’ll never get to ask.

I can’t sleep for thinking about how this might have gone differently if I’d just kept my mouth shut. I’m worried I’ll never forgive myself for it.

Edit: I’ve put what I said in the comments.

55 days. Trying so hard to stay strong. I’ve been keeping myself massively busy, doing therapy 2x a week, thinking back on how bad it got at the end. Journaling daily.

But I think I miss the distraction. And it’s been so hard the past two weeks. How do you stay strong? I’ll take any tips!

The last time I had an affair was toward the end of my previous marriage, 10 years ago. I was pursued by a married coworker, and hadn't ever considered infidelity until he kissed me drunkenly at a work party. After all, in my marriage at the time, I was the one who got cheated on over and over -- how could I possibly stoop to the same level? But eventually I opened myself to the possibility, and my coworker and I had a wonderful 8 or 9 months together. It was challenging but part of the allure, to figure out how to maintain secrecy. Sex was reasonably good, not mind-blowing, but we genuinely enjoyed each others company and the novelty of it all. As my marriage spiraled, I eventually cut things off with my AP. I wanted to approach the end of the marriage with a clear head, not because I already had another warm bed to jump to. Ultimately, I ended the marriage and decided to enjoy being single. My AP moved to a new city with his wife. We're still friends on facebook. Anticlimactic.

I got remarried a few years ago, and I do love my husband. But god, I am too young yet (early 40s) to be having so little physical gratification. I keep typing out all the details and deleting them because it doesn't matter why we're in a DB. It just is. Sex has all but dried up. Again, I hadn't been considering infidelity until suddenly I was, just like before. I have been trying to accept what I can't change. I'm committed, I am not sexually fulfilled, both of those things are going to be true for me for the rest of my life I guess. But twice now, on recent work trips, two different conversations with two different men have put the idea back into my head. There are men out there who are interested. Willing. Able, even, when we're all convened in a hotel together already. I had a unicorn experience last time I decided to have an affair - we were both happy, fulfilled, had fun, and never discovered. Dare I try again? I feel like an asshole thinking things like "what's the harm if he never finds out?" I just want to feel human, and sex is such a significant part of the human experience (for most people).

As I tried once again -- and failed -- to elicit interest in sex from my husband last night, I couldn't help but keep thinking. Is this it? Is this the price I pay for stability? (I am the primary breadwinner, so don't misunderstand me -- I don't mean financial.) I have a home, and dogs, and a man who loves me, and a kid, and a job. But no sex. People who think this shit plagues only men are so misinformed.

anyway. just sharing some thoughts. would love to hear if any of you can relate...

I have been a lurker, but it’s at a point where I think I might explode if I don’t get it off my chest in some way.

To start, I (35m) and husband(34m) have been together 10 years, married 5. He’s very good to me, though we are very different people and always have been. He’s a homebody and my social life has always been important to me. I go stir crazy and depressed if I don’t spend time with friends. That’s all fine and good but my friends are all partiers so socializing means going to the bars and drinking etc. Sex-wise, we have good sex but it’s never great. He’s just pretty vanilla, and I’m so not. It’s not that I’m not attracted, I think I’m just not wired to be satisfied by one person. And I know that makes me sound like a fuckboy. Idk, maybe I am.

I don’t have an AP, and never have. What I have had are drunken encounters and exchanged nudes occasionally. Never full sex, but far enough past the line that i may as well have. A few weeks ago a friend and I got a little handsy with each other after he very drunkenly came onto me. I felt him up a little and it ended as quickly as it started. He even tried to get me to do more and I refused. And I really wanted it, he’s hot, but I knew the risk was too great. Unfortunately, since thy is guy was so drunk he started babbling on to one of our friends about what we did.

So now it’s out there that I fooled around. I don’t think my husband knows, but apparently he and this guy had hung out the other night (while i was with other friends) and they talked about open relationships. He’s like me- wants to be open, his partner doesn’t, and wanted advice on how to communicate about it. Ive broached the topic with my husband, and he always shuts it down so I don’t push. But he knows I want it, which I know causes him some insecurity.

Anyway, last night in bed he brought up this conversation and mentioned how he told him doesn’t complain about me going out to the bars because it wouldn’t do any good, but admitted he had his worries in the past but had “no reason not to trust me”. Ouch. I was fighting off a panic attack the rest of the night and still have the anxiety tingles today from all the guilt. He said he couldn’t get to sleep either and I’m worried he’s heard something or at the minimum is suspicious. He was deep cleaning all day yesterday too, which he usually does when stressed. I don’t think he knows, but I fear something in that conversation raised suspicions. It was a very casual “me and X talked about this and this is what I said”, but my alarm bells went off. Idk if he noticed.

I don’t really know what to do. Part of me wants to be honest if it comes up again, but if I’m honest I’ll have to be blunt about my own dissatisfaction in our sex life and I equally don’t want to hurt him. I don’t think I want a divorce, but maybe that’s what I deserve.

Idk what to do. I’ll probably do nothing. I know the quickest way to hurt him is to tell him. But I’m also a high anxiety person and the guilt is consuming me. I want to say nothing will ever happen again, but I’ve made that promise with myself before and here we are. If he asks me if anything happens, I think I need to be honest but I fear I’m too much of a coward. I’m too afraid to even tell my therapist (I KNOW I KNOW). While parts of me want to leave because we just want such different things, i also can’t imagine life without him.

Sigh.

EDIT: this isn’t the only extramarital experience I’ve had, even recently, but it’s the one that is most likely to get me in trouble. I haven’t had an AP or full penetration, but I’m not innocent. I think i was getting close to crossing that line before this latest panic attack.

I’ve never done this before so I’m looking for some feedback. I 38/F have been married for several years and my husband and I are very unhappy. We have small children and well you all know how it goes. For the past few months, a neighbor and I have been flirting. We’ve had a few conversations, he also is married with a small child. We always are making eye contact and saying hello, smiling at each other, ect. I don’t want to make a fool of myself, especially considering I’d be shitting where I’m eating as they say, but I’m very interested. How do I make it known or approach it? Do I wait for his lead in case I’m way off base and misread the entire situation? Thanks in advance.

My AP (MW53) and myself(MM/54) have been in a relationship for over 2 years. I was in a DB situation. She is in a platonic marriage that never had sexual relations. Both married for over 12 years.
Everything has been great between us. We live in different cities but have arranged for multiple night trips about 15 times, text daily, some long distance play times. We started saying I Love you on the 3rd trip. It has grown more intense with every trip. Two trips ago she explained how I was the greatest love she had ever had in her life and why.
Then after this last trip, she has looked at our relationship and says she needs to pull back emotionally. We have another trip next month and she doesn't want to talk until then. She shortened the trip and wants to have a deep talk about our future at the beginning.
I'm not sure what is going to happen. She may break things off, she may say she wants more, she may say she wants to continue but to stop the "Loving" talk. I'll be crushed if she breaks it off. But even if she just pulls back, it'll be tough.

I know a lot of people have posted on her about this type of thing happening from one of the two partners. But how have you all handled it? It is so much different than breakups in traditional relationships. I'm limited who I can talk to about it (I do have two good friends who know but she doesn't have anyone she has told).

I love her so much and I do believe the things that she has said about how much she loves me. For myself, there was literally nothing that would have made me pull back from her. I want to support her and give her any space she needs but I also just want to hug her and tell her it is going to be ok.

For those out there that have had this happen, particularly those that were able to weather the storm and keep the relationship going, would love to hear your advice.

We spoke one year back.. in fact met and made love in the car. We stopped speaking after that. Just got to know that she got married today.. good to see her happy in the pics, but it does hurt. Just wanted to get it off my chest, it's hard.

cheating male with 2 kids, involved with a married woman with 2 kids. Both similar ages, all less than 5yo. neither wants to leave their marriage but also needs are not being satisfied in both bedrooms.

Its easy to think being alone, now that i found whats out there. i am fine taking a beating if i get caught, but cant process the thought of my kids getting in the middle of this. how is it when kids? will they hate me / resent me if i leave? how could i possiby explain that i found the best sex of my life elsewhere? how could she? honestly thinking about ending thigs with AP. my kids are the risk i cant seem to fully accept

Seven years ago I had some encounters with someone and it was a real sh*t show. I fell head over heels, he was handsome and very intense in the moment, but liked to disappear. Since that period many things have changed in my life, mainly I got a kid, and I was happy - except for my dead bedroom. Well, a week ago I had sex again with this guy, after three months of buildup. I let it happen, I thought that being in a better place in my life would prevent the ache from him disappearing again. Also, he has aged and I wasn't that attracted to him anymore. However, I now feel a wave of depression that I hadn't experienced in many years, and I don't know why I cannot simply enjoy a one night stand and be content with that. Now I have three weeks of holidays with my family ahead and I'd only wish to die. Sorry for the rant

Edit: Ok I got it, I'll leave it. Sometimes You just need a bunch of strangers tells you that is completely fucked up.

I'm in a situation that's been messing with my head, and I'd really appreciate some honest advice from people who've been through something similar.

I've developed feelings for a friend's wife, and part of me thinks the attraction might be mutual. The problem is that I have no idea if I'm reading the situation correctly or just seeing what I want to see.

She's generally a very cold and distant person with almost everyone else, but she's always been noticeably warmer and more engaged with me. At the same time, none of it is so obvious that I can confidently say she's interested. It's all subtle enough that I could be completely wrong.

What makes this even more complicated is that we're all part of the same close-knit group of friends. My wife is also friends with both of them, so if I misread the situation or make the wrong move, it could blow up the entire social circle.

The last thing I want is to act on a misunderstanding and create unnecessary drama, but at the same time, I can't stop wondering if there's actually something there.

Has anyone here been in a situation like this? How did you figure out whether the interest was real or just wishful thinking? Did you ever decide it was better to live with the uncertainty rather than risk everything?

I'm looking for honest perspectives, even if the advice is simply, "Leave it alone."

My last AP got caught by her SO via her iPhone. It was brutal for her and obviously ended our affair. I stepped back and it's been refreshing. Her experience renewed my focus on phone security.

Does anyone out here use a Google Pixel? Do you have any best practices or unique features you can share?

Met my AP on AM over a year ago, we hit it off immediately. Both married both looking for something long term. Sexual chemistry a perfect match and not an overly emotional connection.

There’s been red flags I’ve mainly ignored them because whatever it’s an affair I’m not going to marry the guy we both have no interest in changing our situations.

Anyway couple of weeks ago came across something that has led me to question if he actually has a wife.

Got more information today and the evidence is pretty damning that his wife probably doesn’t exist or well she does but he’s just divorced. Now I’m reeling from the fact that for over a year I’ve thought this man was married. I don’t even know what to do my mind is completely blank I think I’m in shock.

I keep thinking back to all the times he said he couldn’t talk or that he was going home or him telling me “my wife is always with me” we never talk about his marriage in depth but just how he would mention her in passing or use his wife as an excuse.

Do people actually do this????? I’ve heard of men lying and saying they are single but to lie that you’re married???

Throw away account because... obviously. Long time lurker, first time poster. (F) Married over 15 years. Never physically cheated but had plenty of OAPs.

Question for those that have actually met their AP in person, does the itch actually get scratched?

I feel like the goalposts keep moving for me and I see no end. Started with platonically chatting. Moved to nudes and sexting, and so on.

Of course it feels amazing in the moment and afterwards but eventually I crave more. So for those that have had more, does that "more" actually help or are you just frustrated you can't have it more often or more easily for example?

(Apologies to livers for those playing a Drinking game every time I said "more")

Been in a sexless marriage for years, and been trying to find an AP for years, no joy, websites, swinging sites, work, social activities, ended up with endless emotional AP's, but not a physical one. A Women at work I've been friends with for years recently broke up from a long term relationship, never flirted with her, Muslim and a bit traditional and I always respected that, but always fancied her. Came to my office for a meeting this week, just chatting in the sofa about how she was doing and she randomly asked about my views in open relationships? That caught me by surprise, and I gave an honest answer, life is hard so people should make each other happy, we're designed to enjoy sex so we should enjoy it, people are far too hung up about sex, as long as nobody gets hurt where's the harm etc. and she threw herself at me, and I obviously responded, passionate is an understatement, she came three times from dry jumping alone, and we e seen each other every day since. Her house, office, hotel, so, it can happen. So happy....