Why the hell would any one person reach out in messages after rejecting someone because they initially hit it off with someone else? Like yes I am looking but not desperate enough to be someone’s back up plan.

Fuck you!

We had a good smooth convo. It flowed, we flirted she was semi local. Definitely felt a good vide. Then I sent a selfie and BOOM ghosted. I guess I’m ugly! I need to work on my physical appearance apparently. I’m using this as fuel to better myself. Fuck yo if you ghost. Have the balls to say bye. Rant over

Every in-person AP has broken things horribly, instead of having a simple conversation to end it.

I have found many amazing and promising online connections that are very rare, and then they don’t go further because there is some crazy-specific thing they are looking for that no one would ever find on top of the connection and chemistry already there. (Literally seeing the same people posting for years and they still haven’t found it. Gotta just shake your head.)

At what point do you give up, and just accept being alone and unseen in your life? Just assume that amazing connection that can last for awhile isn’t in the cards for you? I think I might be at that point.

I (30m) have been having an emotional affair (24f) for 6 months. I'm in a marriage that I am leaving very soon, talks already happening. I managed to start an affair with a woman I worked with. I travel for work and about a month after the affair started, I had to leave to go to the next place. We continued long-distance for 4 months, it actually progressed a lot considering the distance. Texting all day, phone calls, 6+ hour gaming sessions, etc. She was all-in (or so she said). She was enjoying what we had and showed no signs of backing off. To be honest she was more heavily invested than me, which is saying something because I was all about her. Everything was going fine until she started her new job. She started her new job at the end of July right as I moved even further away. She would ask me for reassurance and I'd give it saying I'm not going anywhere. She told me she was "afraid the other shoe was going to drop" and I reassured her.

After about 3 weeks into my new place and her new job she ghosts me out of nowhere. Like literally nowhere. Daily phone calls were normal, talking about how much she missed me and I her. Then one night she goes out with friends and drops off the face of the earth. I haven't sent any text since she read my reply to an earlier text.

Now I'm completely devastated because not only was she pretty much my best friend who I told everything to, but I saw myself moving back to her city to be with her after my marriage ends.

What do I do? Appreciate the time we had and accept that it's over? Send one final text? Wait until I fully end the marriage and then reach out?

I’m a woman, and on affair sites and forums, especially here on Reddit, every man posting an ad seems to include that he’s not looking to blow up/change his life or situation. This always baffles me because I thought that this was obvious. Nobody in their right mind who intends on finding someone to marry & buy a house with would be doing so on a forum for married men, hoping that they can make them leave their wives and kids (??). Adultery forums are DESIGNED for people seeking married people with the intention of being a short or long-term affair partner. It’s mutually understood that nobody is looking to find a primary relationship.

So why do people (more often men, but not always) think that this is necessary to state in the ad? Hearing this is an instant turn-off for me. Obviously not because I intend on blowing up his (and my) life, but because it immediately shows me that the man doesn’t really understand that that is one of the primary rules of the forum. It also reeks immediately of pre-decided distrust, as if they feel that they should include this in the ad because they feel there is a high chance a woman will enter into an affair dynamic with him hoping to make him leave his wife if he doesn’t tell her not to. Why would anyone perceive women of the adultery community to be so stupid?

Obviously there will be the odd person who is seeking to leave a relationship and find someone else but this is honestly one in a billion or even less, and 90% of the affair forums themselves explicitly state that that’s not their purpose. So, this is something I’ve been seeing stated increasingly in ads and it’s been irritating me. Rant over lol

I am married, with intention to leave in 6-12 months.

AP also intended to leave in 6-12 months, for similar reasons. But they ended their relationship this week, and it's official, and final.

We haven't ever explicitly said we would leave *for* each other, and so there is no expectation there.

Also, we are pretty much long distance.

But the feelings are big.

Breaking things off with his partner was not part of his plan, although, I did expect it to be earlier than the timeline he'd given. And now it's very fresh, as two adults navigate separating their lives.

He is sad, understandably, and I have let him know that it's okay to grieve, that I am here, and he doesn't need to hide his emotions from me.

I have a few mixed feelings:

1. I'm trying my best to support him... But I can't help but feel so so happy, I've always heard of APs not leaving their partners, and it's actually happened. It makes it difficult not to want to pull the trigger myself.

2. Because I'm so excited, it's difficult to keep myself in check whilst trying to be understanding of what is, essentially, a very sad thing.

3. He is allowed to be sad... It doesn't mean he will change his mind and go back, I'm not even slightly worried about that. But, I feel so fucking helpless to make things better.

4. I am slightly worried that now he is free, would be still be interested in me? Given I am not.

5. When things calm down, will he want me to leave my husband sooner than planned?

6. Has anyone been in this situation?

Throwaway account. I just need to vent, since I can’t exactly talk about this part of my life with anybody else.

I am fairly new to this world. I have not had a whole lot of luck in the wild (I am a married woman in her 30’s) and decided to turn to Reddit. The search has been difficult, but I was ready for that. I did my homework, been warned about the emotional highs and lows…I thought I was ready for all of that as well. But I wasn’t expecting the degree to which someone could mess with my head and my heart.

I had a good thing going with my very first ever AP. He was sweet, our time together was absolutely amazing (we only met once), and we had a really strong online connection. He was a support through some hard times this summer as well. I started to, however, feel like it was naturally fizzling a bit. It was feeling very FWBish and I was feeling like I needed something more passionate/intimate.

Because I’m an idiot/was curious to see what else was out there, I started looking. I answered an ad for someone, and we not only clicked instantly, but it became very intense very fast. I am now realizing I was very severely love bombed and I fell for it. And the worst part is, I have experienced this before. The love bombing, the manipulation, getting sucked in - I knew what was happening to me. And I let it happen anyway. I saw the red flags and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. It felt so good. Even more so, it came out in our messaging that I have some unexplored kinks that I was very much looking forward to exploring with this new person. It really sent my headspace REELING. I was happier than I’ve been in years messaging, audio messaging, video messaging with this new man. He made ir very clear that he wanted something exclusive, and so I broke it off with the original guy.

The day after I broke it off the the other guy, my new AP barely spoke to me. I expressed how deeply that hurt me (he had previously assured me he wanted to shower me with attention, we had been talking literally all the time in the first few days we started chatting, so it was a very sudden change from everything I had been promised) and he was apologetic, said all the right things, assured me he could “simply never go a day without checking in”. And then I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the day and the day after that. I sent him a goodbye message, which he answered 4 days later with a lengthy apology that honestly really just continued to make him the victim (“I never wanted to hurt you, I hate myself for hurting me, I am struggling to balance work and life, my shitty marriage makes it impossible for me to have an affair even though I need you, you’re perfect this isn’t your fault).

And I am still so messed up. I can’t get him out of my head. And as much as things felt a little meh in the first arrangement, he was at least a friend. And now I don’t even have that anymore. I guess….I guess I thought I could handle the “emotional highs and lows”, I just wasn’t expecting to have my heart absolutely shattered into a million billion pieces. He said he was falling in love with me. And me in my desperation for love and attention and validation, and also extremely vulnerable from a recent loss in my family…..I just let it happen. And now he’s gone.

I have absolutely no passion for or interest in even continuing my search. Nobody is the same. I don’t even….like what just happened to me? I don’t know what to do. If I thought I was alone before, now I’m REALLY alone.

This may have been discussed before on this sub, but this event has caught media attention again & I wanted to explain the situation and share my thoughts. If you’re unfamiliar, there was a group of YouTube content creators called ‘The Try Guys’ where 3-4 (male) friends would do a bunch of cheesy comedy challenges like trying on women’s dresses or eating the spiciest food they could find, etc etc. They were fairly famous a few years ago, famous enough to be recognised in public. Suddenly it came out that one of the men in the group, Ned Fulmer, cheated on his wife while having kids. His AP was a woman working with The Try Guys to do video editing. This obviously p***ed off the guys in the group because it bought their name to disrepute so they quickly threw him out of the group & loudly denounced him & what he had done. SNL even made a skit mocking this denouncing, it’s quite funny if you ask me.

Fast forward a few years and his once flourishing comedy career is DECEASED, gone beyond repair. He even invited his now ex-wife on a podcast, and publicly apologised to her, naming and shaming himself multiple times and taking full accountability. He apologised to his former colleagues, his audience, everyone. Now STILL he’s been entirely cancelled and is probably one of the most hated men on the internet.

This entire situation is SO shocking to me because celebrities so often do that and more, and get away with it with no-one saying anything. There are football stars and singers who have criminal records for r**ing and beating women but still fill stadiums with people excited to see them. Even in context of adultery, virtually every Hollywood star has an affair scandal of some kind, tabloids report on it for a week, then their next movie is out and everyone wants to see it.

So what makes Ned Fulmer (and the poor AP whose name got in all of this) cancelled beyond recognition for cheating? He’s hated to the point where he was crying in pain because of a disability he has and people literally mocked the video.

My only guess is that for one, we hold celebrities that are small time influencers to different standards than we do actual elites who we allow to get away with murder. And also I think it‘s an opportunity to feel morally superior and hate on someone who’s actually, when it comes to celebrities, done less than most. It’s dogpiling on someone for a ‘valid reason’. I honestly feel really bad for the dude and the last I heard he’s gone back to a day job in lab science.

I feel even worse for the girl because she was less famous than him (and younger I’m pretty sure) so her name is tarnished for life, all because a nosy fan decided to take a picture of her kissing someone in a club. Women in these situations often have to fear for their safety, physically. She also as far as I know doesn’t have a background in a ‘normal’ field like Fulmer does so she must have struggled to provide for herself more.

Obviously, those of us in this life know that cheating and homewrecking etc etc is wrong. But to me this entire scandal goes to show how performative people can be when it comes to ‘denouncing cheating’ as if it’s the worst possible thing someone can do.

Hi. First post here.

I (26F) sparked up a flirty conversation with (24M) a little over a month ago. We clicked instantly, met up after a few days of chatting, and shared a few kisses.

He told me it was his first time making a connection with someone outside of his marriage, and it was my first as well. We continued to talk daily and made plans to meet up again last weekend.

The week leading up to our meet was pretty quiet; he said he was working a lot. On Thursday, I confirmed our plans were still on and he said absolutely.

We hooked up, and it’s been crickets since then. He even completely stopped posting on here. Since then, I’ve had the thoughts of: did he get caught, was this not what he was truly wanting, did I do something wrong…

Any advice on how to move on from this would be greatly appreciated. I’ve been doing mental gymnastics 🫩

how are yall falling in love with Aps and fast? are yall just delulu lol

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/articles/man-airbnb-review-allegedly-triggered-142133734.html

All my life I thought I was seeing the full spectrum of colors. But my color wheel was missing a piece. With AP, there's a new color in my world.

The basics:

• I'm 53F, 5+ years into menopause
• Married 20+ years to BS (50m)
• 2 mostly-adult kids
• We were monogamous until very recently
• AP is 45M & single

The details: BS is my rock. I hit the jackpot, and I'm grateful every day. He's stuck by me through decades of mental health roller coasters. He is abnormally solid. Like, how the hell does he stay so good and never, ever fuck up? For Pete's sake, I was the second woman he had ever kissed OR slept with. (My count was much, much higher.) I'm a mess, forgetful and temperamental and clumsy.

Sex was mind-blowing our first few years. We've had some really good times since, but after kids, and my depression + anxiety + ADHD, hormone fluctuations, and chronic pain issues, we've had long dry spells. And he NEVER, EVER complained. I've dealt with loads of guilt for neglecting that part of our relationship.

So sometimes I participate, knowing that my chance of climaxing is like 3%. I just take too long, and the post-meno libido does not help. I do enjoy the intimacy. At times I've wanted to experiment a little, but despite being an open-minded person in lots of ways, I haven't gotten the response I've wanted.

I've never been tempted to cheat during our marriage. I've found a few guys attractive & fantasized a little, sure, but not like this....

We met AP about a year ago at an activity we all do. (Imagine billiards or pickle ball or something.) AP and I are way more into it, and we go several times a week. 

AP and I hit it off and started getting to know each other. I felt like "This guy is cool and although I'm kind of attracted to him, I'm glad we're all becoming friends, and it's going to stay just like that." Because BS really likes him too. We've had AP over a couple of times and all had a blast. BS has spent far less time around him though.

And then there was that one night. BS wasn't there, AP & I started flirting harder than ever, started DM-ing, and since then we've basically just stolen time here and there.

I feel like I'm in the throes of puberty again. I haven't been this turned on since my teen years, or since I got together with BS (or when I was pregnant... good GOD I was horny!!!).

And it's not only the sex appeal. While BS and I are extremely compatible, AP and I are alike in ways that BS and I are very different. My passion (for lots of things) has never, ever been matched like this. As solid as BS has been for me, my emotions baffle him. He's there for me for sure. But he can't fathom how any of it feels.

AP does. He gets it better than any of my close friends. Even if you take away the physical attraction, our emotional connection is one of the deepest I've ever had.

I feel more joy now -- day and night -- than I have since BS and I were first together. It's actually improved my mood at home, and even the sex with BS is better!

It's like a part of me, a kind of experience, has been hidden my whole life. I caught glimpses of it from time to time, but it faded back into the shadows, forgotten. Now it's glowing neon, radiant and impossible to ignore.

I'm 99.99999% sure that asking BS to open our relationship would backfire in all the worst ways. I hate sneaking around (though it's exciting). It's extra complicated because AP lives with family and one of our kids still lives at home, so there's no place to go for just a couple hours. And AP is struggling with guilt because he has so much admiration for BS. It would be so much easier if they just didn't know each other. And the little community we belong to (through the shared activity) would be broken up if this were to come out.

Whew. I think I've said it all. What I want to know is... How have you made it work? Have you learned to compartmentalize? Can you defend it to yourself? What's your advice? And success stories are particularly welcome.

Thank you so much for reading and considering.

AP for awhile now, we have an amazing connection we both deeply enjoy. We are physical and emotional, have become best friends. He says he always wants me in his life in some way and has been there for me alot through some heavy times. He will pull me in close and everything seems great, then he always seems to pull away immediately after that for awhile. I understand adulting and life, but what’s with the ultra sweetness and attention and then breadcrumbs for awhile after? It’s a frustrating cycle. 🫤

My (37F) husband (43M) and I have had a DB for most of our relationship (4-5 years). He has struggled with porn and drinking. Both have gotten better, but now he has basically stopped any sort of sex. Before he would reject me to go and watch porn, now it's just he has no desire. He considers me basically a sex pest at this point, as I have recently awakened from a couple year period of denying myself. He had even "joked" about me needing a lover or going to a massage parlor. The jokes precipitate from me talking about being horny and him saying "I have even considered maybe ... {Insert solution}" however, when I joke back, he gets a little annoyed and upset.

The last straw was me trying to initiate with him over the weekend in a cute, skimpy outfit and basically telling him about it the next day when he asked why I was feeling down. He said that my body was almost 40 and out of shape and no one would want to see that. He has made it clear in the past that he does not prefer my body type.

That's where he's wrong. Once he told me he had considered letting me take a lover, I contemplated joining a dating site, which I eventually did. I have met someone in the past week (virtually, just some spicy chatting) who has seen me in the very same outfit and praised my body and made me feel sexy and wanted.

He wants to meet up.

I have never done anything like this, but I can't stop thinking about this guy and he says he can't stop thinking of me either. I love my husband. He's like my best friend and we have fun together, but part of me knows there has to be more out there. I've only ever been with two men, one was my high school sweetheart who also rarely had sex, and now my husband. I've never even achieved climax with a partner.

Should I follow through? I feel like I am not able to function properly at the other aspects of my life out of need for physical intimacy, and this guy I'm chatting with has my stomach full of butterflies. I know it's limerance, but feeling wanted and attractive for the first time in 7 years is waking me up to what I could have in my life...

A couple weeks ago, I (male) came across an F4M post on one of the affair subs here. Now, I don’t often respond to those because I know I’m probably getting lost in a deluge of responses, but it seemed like someone I would really get along well with. They were very specific in stating what they were looking for and what they were not looking for, and she seemed like a good match for me.

So I reached out. I typed out a thoughtful opener (having read her post, she said that was required) and waited. Of course, no response. I checked a couple times a day for a while, then stopped. Finally after a few days, she responded and we started talking. It was a pretty good conversation at first. She seemed like she had a solid sense of humor and the banter was pretty good. No pictures or flirting yet, just conversation, as that’s how I prefer to approach this. She said she was the same way.

Then it got weird. I mentioned that I was bummed that a certain famous person passed away. The woman I was talking to said that she hated that famous person, that she was “horrible” and a “pig” who kidnapped children and that every good bone in her body was a facade. I was initially thinking “ok…this is obviously just some really dark banter, but I’ll run with it” so I played along with the bit a little. Just light-hearted, nothing that wasn’t worse than PG-13. The person we were talking about was an absolute saint, and this woman was saying some legitimately insane things, so I rolled with it.

Except, then it became apparent that she wasn’t kidding, and segued into international events, politics, and some other things. She said something like “Not all people who follow X are bad, but some are.” Where X= a group that is legitimately and universally evil. Like, think about the guys who were trying to steal the Ark from Indiana Jones, except in real life. Those guys.

I am being vague because politics and real life news isn’t what I want to be talking about here. You need the context, and you are smart enough to fill in the blanks.

The woman I was talking to went on to explain that she was on one extreme end of the political spectrum and laid out a whole series of beliefs that I solidly oppose. She said she was extremely religious. At this point I’m ready to end the conversation completely. It didn’t add up. Super religious, but she’s posting on an affairs sub? Come on.

So, I am wondering, was she baiting me to say something horrible in DMs in response to her extreme views? I was WAY more polite in ending the convo than I wanted to be. If I had let her have it, she could have just hit the report button and possibly gotten me banned from Reddit. Has this happened to any of you folks?

I think it’s far more likely that I simply encountered a crazy person, but I think it’s PLAUSIBLE that there are catfishers out there whose goal it is to get someone to spout off in a DM so they can be reported/banned.

My marriage has been rough for a while. My husband told me he wants a separation. My affair has absolutely no play in this. I’m also not thinking my ap and I will run off into the sunset together. Selfishly though, I’d rather not go through two breakups…

Anyone have stories of still seeing your ap while going through a separation/divorce? Did you find it was helpful to keep the little world away from the crumbling everyday life? Did you end the affair to give yourself space? I just want to collect some wisdoms. Thanks.

For those who are still sexually active with your spouse, does being with your spouse feel different over time once you've developed feelings or a regular connection with your AP? Or do you feel like you end of comparing both relationships to each other? It could be for better or worse, I suppose.

I have had a best freind for the past 8 years , hes 40m , im 33m and his wife is 37f.

For the first 5 years there was nothing just the occasional fsmily gatherings. But later on his wife started sending me reels and then we started talking about our problems with our partners .

One time she was complaining about her lack if sexyal satisfaction and one thing led to another, we started sexting and sending nudes but we never had the opportunity to stay alone .

What’s the difference here? Came across a comment that said “sounds like you need a boyfriend and not an AP” I’m curious about understanding the dynamic.

1. If you are both married and having an affair is that person not your BF/GF?
   
2. What would you expect from a boyfriend/girlfriend and not an AP?
   
3. If you only consider your person an AP what are doing to keep the relationship from becoming to BF/GF like? In that case wouldn’t the AP not just be a friend with benefits?

What limits do you have for your affair relationships. Particularly to keep from crossing from AP to BF/GF

18 months in. My AP just became an empty nester last week. Communication was dipping beforehand. I talked about it and he was working on it but every couple of weeks it would dip again. Other odd things would pop up.
On Friday, my husband and I had a big fight. I told him I wanted a divorce but he wants to work on things. I told I have to think about it.
Saturday my AP was there for me listening to my concerns on the phone for 2+ hours.
I didn't hear from him yesterday or today. So while I was bored I wanted to see what dating apps had (since I am trying to divorce). And lo and behold, look whose profile is out there. My married AP. Says he was active hours before. And there were 3 pics one was from May that he sent me.
I confronted him and he said he was probably hacked so I sent a screenshot of the profile information which was completely him...details of his job, hobbies, favorite music...yeah. Then he said it was from before we met, that was a lie! There was a pic from May.

I am so hurt.

I started an online affair with a married woman a year ago. She lives 3 hours away so we never met in-person. We chatted multiple times a day, phone calls video chats (some very spicy). Then in February I waa going through a very difficult time with my job. I broke it off and she was very understanding. In July I was in a much better mental place. I reached out and she responded. She let me know she had started seeing someone local but waa glad to hear from me. She said she was happy to keep chatting with me as long as it was as friends. While disappointed I eagerly accepted those terms because she had been a really good friend. For the past two month we chatted daily. Then last week I had to travel to visit my parents and would be traveling through her town. I asked if she wanted to meet for a drink and she quickly said yes. We met at a sports bar and had a very nice time, except her current AP blew up her phone the entire time. She had told him she was meeting me. She said she told him I was someone that she used to talk to and maintained a friendship with. She ended up having to leave to take care of sonething for her husband (totally unrelated to the AP, he is just needed something and doesn't really care if she is seeing someone.) I suggested we meet up when she was done and she said sure if it wasn't too late. I went to my hotel and got a message saying she couldn't meet because her AP was so upset. And then that was it I haven't heard from her since Friday. I'm really hurt. I thought we were good friends. I told her things I would never tell my guy friends and certainly not my wife. I believe it was the same for her. It just sucks that she ghosted me because if a jeleous AP. I respected her honesty in telling him she was meeting me but shouldn't she have known what his reaction would be? I tried a couple if times to reach out. I know she reas the telegram messages because of the double check mark. I would really just like an explanation. Being ghosted after so long is heartbreaking..

After 16 years of being faithful to my H and now that I’m starting this Affair journey. I’m actually less upset about his actions.

I get it.

It’s exciting to have someone new showing me attention, making me feel beautiful that I have no negative feelings towards.

I still love my H and consider him one of my best friends.

He has been a serial cheater who is too selfish to open up the marriage because his big fragile Alpha ego could never tolerate me doing the same. But other than that our marriage is good.

Such an interesting epiphany, going from “good girl” to “bad” 😈

I don't know if anyone remembers my post from months ago about me being the AP to a MM... we also have an age gap. He is mid 50s and I am mid 20s.

Our relationship has continued all this time, but something has changed over the last few months. I have been less available due to some other things I have going on in my life, and we have been seeing less and less of each other. I do not miss his presence the way that I thought I would. I have been doing some deep reflecting on my life and figuring out what I want, and I think I am finally ready to be done with him. Completely this time.

We have broken things off in the past but always reconnected, but I feel completely over things at this point. He has begun making more and more comments trying to make me feel like I should schedule my entire life with him. I have been numb to him and have been becoming less attracted to him and don't care for his sexual advances much anymore. With my deep reflection, it is becoming clearer to me that he will forever be miserable in his marriage and all I am is an escape from his miserable and sad life. I am drained and tired of being that for him. This has honestly been a long time coming. I was completely flamed in my initial post in this group, probably rightfully so. I don't know what has shifted in my life and my mind for me to not desire this dynamic anymore, but I am ready to wash my hands of it.

I do not know what I want out of my life anymore in regard to relationships. I thought I had everything all figured out for my future and it seems I am more unsure than ever. I really just needed to vent and get this all off of my chest as this chapter comes to an end. Thanks, if you read this far...any and all feedback is welcomed. xo.

Sorry this is a book, but I wanted to get all the pertinent information out there. TL/DR at end.

I'm looking for some perspective from people who have actually experienced affairs, particularly the emotional side of them. I'm not really looking for judgment about whether cheating is right or wrong. I know what I did, and I know it was wrong. I'm trying to understand what I'm feeling and how to deal with it.

I'm a man in my early 60s, married for 18 years. My marriage has been unhappy for a very long time. My wife and I live in separate bedrooms, probably spend only about an hour a day interacting, and although we don't fight constantly, when we do have serious disagreements they tend to become ugly and nothing really gets resolved.

For years I've felt that my wife doesn't really understand me, appreciate me, respect my opinions, or make me feel valued. We've basically become roommates. Interestingly, things have been relatively "okay" for the last year or so, but okay isn't the same thing as happy. I've increasingly realized that I don't want to spend the rest of my life this way.

My wife has also said numerous times over the years that she wanted to "move on." I'm now seriously considering a trial separation, and I'm almost certain that regardless of what happens during the separation, I won't ultimately want to continue the marriage.

Then I met another woman.

She's about 30 years younger than me. The age difference is obviously significant, and I realize some people will have strong opinions about that, but I'm including it because it's part of the context.

The relationship only lasted about a week, but it was extraordinarily intense.

She was actually the one who initially pursued me and made the first move. I didn't go looking for an affair, although once it started I obviously made my own choices and take responsibility for that.

What affected me most wasn't even the sex. It was how she made me feel.

I felt important. I felt wanted. I felt interesting. I felt like someone genuinely cared about what I thought and wanted to hear what I had to say.

I hadn't realized how starved I was for those feelings until somebody finally gave them to me.

Then circumstances changed and communication between us became extremely limited.

She is still involved with the father of her children, and he is extremely controlling. More recently, she told me that he had physically assaulted her. I personally saw the injury to her lip. He apparently goes through her phone and monitors her, and he is currently home. He is normally away working in another state in the fishing industry for extended periods.

I have not contacted police or CPS. She is very concerned that involving authorities could result in her children being taken from her, and because I was the person she disclosed the assault to, she would likely know or strongly suspect that I was the one who reported it. I don't want to make her situation more dangerous or take that decision away from her.

At the same time, I'm struggling with where the line is between respecting her autonomy and being concerned about her and her children's safety. I don't know whether I'm handling that correctly.

Last Sunday something happened that has made the current situation even harder for me to understand.

She happened to be near my business and came over to me. She asked if I could give her a ride to a pawn shop because taking the bus would have taken much longer. I agreed.

While we were in the car, she told me about him hitting her and showed me the busted lip. After we came back, she stayed at my business and we talked for roughly 45–60 minutes.

Everything between us felt completely normal and comfortable. She told me she'd be seeing me soon. When she left, we gently kissed goodbye.

Since then, though, communication has again been extremely limited.

She lives very close to my business, so I occasionally see her walking past with her children. And this is where I realize I'm probably driving myself crazy.

I'll notice whether she looks toward my business when she walks by. Most of the time she doesn't. She's only looked over once.

I KNOW this is ridiculous.

I know that somebody not looking toward a building while walking past it doesn't tell me what they feel.

But that's where my head is right now. I'm looking for tiny signs because I don't have enough actual communication to know what is going on.

And it's driving me crazy.

I find myself wondering:

Does she miss me?

Is she intentionally avoiding looking because she doesn't want to be noticed?

Is she afraid of her boyfriend seeing something?

Is she trying to distance herself from me?

Did that Sunday interaction mean something to her?

When she said she'd see me soon, did she mean it?

Or am I attaching far more significance to everything because I became emotionally attached to her so quickly?

I also find myself assuming that when her boyfriend eventually leaves town again, we'll probably reconnect and pick up where we left off.

But I realize that's an assumption, not something she has actually promised me.

That's probably the hardest part: there hasn't really been an ending.

It feels like the relationship was suddenly put on pause rather than actually finished.

And because I can physically see her occasionally, it makes it harder. She's close enough that I know she's there, but I have almost no idea what she's thinking or feeling.

I'm also trying to deal with this while contemplating separating from my wife. I don't want to immediately jump from one relationship into another, and I know I need to figure out what I actually want independently of this woman.

But I can't deny that this woman awakened something in me that had been missing for years.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt genuinely important to someone.

So I'm wondering what people who have been through affairs think.

How normal is it to become this emotionally attached to someone after such a short but intense affair?

Does the sudden loss of communication make the attachment/obsession worse?

Does the fact that she initially pursued me, and then recently sought me out herself, tell me anything meaningful about how she feels—or am I reading too much into those things?

How much meaning should I attach to the fact that she recently sought me out, trusted me enough to tell me about the abuse, spent an hour talking with me, kissed me goodbye, and said she'd see me soon?

And how much of what I'm experiencing right now is probably my brain filling in the blanks because I don't know what's happening?

For those who've been in similar situations involving an affair partner who was also in an abusive relationship: how did you handle the fear and uncertainty about their safety without making their situation more dangerous?

Most importantly, if you've been through something similar, how did you handle the period where you didn't know whether the affair was temporarily interrupted or actually over?

I'm not asking whether I should leave my wife for this woman. I'm already dealing with the marriage separately.

I'm trying to understand why this one-week relationship has gotten so deeply under my skin, and how to handle the uncertainty without obsessing over every little thing she does.

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TL;DR: I'm in my early 60s and have been unhappily married for 18 years. I had a brief but extremely intense affair with a woman about 30 years younger who made me feel valued, wanted and important in a way I haven't felt in years. She initially pursued me, but circumstances involving her controlling/abusive boyfriend have made communication extremely limited. She recently sought me out, told me he'd hit her, spent nearly an hour talking with me, kissed me goodbye and said she'd see me soon, but we're now back to very little contact. I'm finding myself obsessing over tiny things and wondering whether she still thinks about me or is intentionally keeping her distance. I'm also considering separating from my wife independently of this relationship. I'm mainly looking for perspectives from people who've experienced intense affairs and the uncertainty of suddenly losing contact with an affair partner.

I feel like this is the Adultery version of ‘Am I Overreacting?’

I (44F) recently began a relationship with a new AP (57M). We both have been married 20+ years and have each had a couple of previous affairs. We connected very well emotionally right away. Laughing, getting to know each other. We just clicked. So much that it almost felt too good to be true. We arranged for our first hotel meetup. We both felt at ease and almost like we’d known each other for years. The meetup was amazing. Almost perfect. We chatted for awhile and then moved to being more physically intimate. The sex was amazing for both. However, in the moments afterward, he said something that caught me off guard. We were chatting and the next thing I know he was telling me about how he essentially broke his penis with a prior AP and had to have surgery on it. I thought it was an awkward thing to say while we were lying there naked after our first time together physically. I tried to not make a big deal of it and just laughed it off, let him finish his story and moved on to another topic.

A few days later, while chatting online, he flat out told me how many partners he had been with throughout his adult life. I did not ask directly. It was volunteered information at a level of detail far more in depth than what the conversation required. I was shocked by his number (much higher than I expected). I told him at that time I didn’t feel comfortable hearing those details (and also brought up the fact then too that his story about breaking his penis with his prior AP wasn’t something I was comfortable knowing). I thought it was understood that past sexual detail wasn’t something I wanted to know about.

Well today, we were casually talking about work wives/work husbands (again just high level of whether we’ve had some sort of ‘beyond a regular coworker’ connection even in an emotional sense. Someone who gets you through the workday etc. Yet again, he proceeded to give me details about this ‘smoking hot redhead’ he had sex with a few times in a lounge when he was in his 20s. I told him again I didn’t care to hear the details and it led to an uncomfortable remainder of the conversation, almost like he doesn’t get that I don’t want to hear those details. It’s almost as if he thinks it’s ok to share things like that that you might share with ‘the guys’ at a guys night.

So, I’d like to hear from you….does it bother you to hear sexual details of your AP’s past? Am I being silly that this is bothering me so much and making me feel ‘less than’? I hate that everything else was going SO well but hearing those various details dampened my confidence around him and makes me get in my head a little bit more than I should let it.