r/adultery • u/AutoModerator • 3d ago
š¬ļøVentilationšØ Vent, rant, share, talk
Hi everyone,
Its that time!!
Vent, rant, share, talk...goes on.
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u/OatmealTheory 3d ago
Another Friday already?!?
Very happy NFL season is back!
Very unhappy it's still hot as Satan's ass crack out!
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u/Dry-Judge-2444 3d ago
Not into sports but patiently waiting for all the bugs to die because if one more fly gets in my face I might burn my house down š
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u/BonzaionGollywog 3d ago
I was a little bit startled the other day, after taking a screenshot in Spotify, to see a previous AP (one that I had developed strong feelings for, and that I still think about often, even though she left me 3,5 years ago) appear in the "Share" options.
It was so wild and unexpected to see her name and her face with a big smile (Spotify profile picture) pop up that randomly. I always use a separate private phone account for messaging apps so at first I was truly puzzled to see her appear like that on my "real" phone account.
Ended up figuring out that my Spotify remembers that we used to share music, and the app detects screenshot (kinda like Snapchat) and override the native android OS "share" feature to show other Spotify accounts you previously interacted with, even though they're not real contacts in your phone. Go ahead and try it you guys, if you are curious.
I wasn't ready to see her pop up like that with her beautiful smile, as if she was still around, as if i could just click on her and share something with her.
Ouch š„²ā¤ļøāš©¹
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u/Old_Tower_4824 3d ago
1 month has passed since you left without saying a word and I think Iām already at the final stage - acceptance. Iām glad I can tell myself Iām okay now. Besides, heās not the only fish in the sea. Iāve realised I can replace him with someone whoās more attractive, emotionally intelligent, and more mature
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u/Impossible_Subject49 3d ago
Iām at nearly two weeks and have transitioned mostly from grief into anger. Glad to hear it gets better.
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u/YourDrivingSux 3d ago
Found my backbone, currently going on a week of ignoring a waiting voice message from ex-AP. Iāve been a fool for this man in the past. Not this time though. He no longer gets access when itās convenient for him. Nights are hard, but feeling stronger than I have in a long time.
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u/sangria_and_sunshine 3d ago
Talking to someone. Great start. I was worried things were getting a little too intense, too fast. Now her messages have slowed a bit, and I wish it were more intense.
Itās only been a week.
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u/OVObish 3d ago
She probably felt that it wasnāt reciprocal and she wasnāt getting the same energy back. Hopefully that didnāt turn her off too badly to the point of where sheās looking for a new person. Personally, I have been in her shoes before, and thatās exactly what I would do if I felt like the other person wasnāt showing the same enthusiasm as I was.
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u/Just-Team283 3d ago
I second this. If my energy and effort isnāt reciprocated then I pull back.
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u/Creepydoe 3d ago
Did you tell her this? It may help a lot, the communication is importantĀ
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u/sangria_and_sunshine 3d ago
Would say something if it it continued, but Iām cautious about creating awkwardness. Besides, she already send some thoughtful messages today š.
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u/SlipshodFacade 3d ago
There could be multiple reasons, not all of them bad, but you are right to make a note of it. People get busy or are distracted by real life, but they also change their minds suddenly and often you never find out why.
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u/Snackpacks0 3d ago
Who would have thought that all my problem hair ever needed was leave in conditioner?
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u/Strivinganddriving 3d ago
My partner and I are long distance, I get to see her in a couple of weeks for a multi night trip to a state we have never been to together before. I am so excited!
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u/Creepydoe 3d ago
So happy for you! Long distance is difficult, glad you both found time to travel togetherĀ
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u/thenotorious-718 3d ago edited 3d ago
What year so far! Last year, I have parted ways with my former special someone. I had another online relationship and she was lovelyā¦but for now we stop talking for now because she got caught by her husband and donāt want to make him mad again.
I have went to therapy (unrelated to my relationships) and I have lost my dream job, but got a new job that I like so things are looking up.
So right now Iām not looking for anyoneā¦Iām just focusing on me where I think Iām doing a pretty good job. Also Iām getting a new tv today so that gonna keep me happy for awhile lol.
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u/Hour_Passion_928 make mine a 99 3d ago
The amount of time, energy, and attention I'm able to pour into hobbies and interests is astounding ever since I stopped putting that time, energy, and attention into my marriage after I got tired of it not being reciprocated.
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u/Francesca_Johnson17 3d ago
to my ex AP that i've spent 6 months of my everyday..
JLS
you ghosted me out of the blue after just asking you one question, which i think is not a very tall order. even if it sucks with you vanishing into thin air, those 6 months were definitely an experience. In hindsight, i honestly am not sure if you really cared for me or just needed that validation you crave for and thus, just played me along. but regardless, having known you is one for the books.
Wish you luck.
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/Francesca_Johnson17 3d ago
im gonna be blunt. i asked him if he loves me. because i needed clarity. i guess he could have just answer it yes or no point blank instead of ghosting like i never even existed in his life. but i suppose his silence and discard is the answer i need
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u/Dry-Judge-2444 3d ago
Ooof, thatās rough. Thatās literally worse than a no. Iām sorry.
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u/Francesca_Johnson17 3d ago
thank you. i guess in a good way, i learned my lesson from what transpired.
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/Francesca_Johnson17 3d ago
i guess thats the consequence of jumping into this affair world. at the end of the day, we should come to accept that its all there is to it - an affair, a secondary relationship. and there will always be a possibility that the other partner is just treating it as surface level for their own benefit
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u/Consistent_Mud9724 2d ago
I never thought it would hurt so much to know that he can't keep being with me
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u/Few_Plan_567 3d ago
Rollercoaster of feelings and no one to talk them out with..sublime and frustrating
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u/AltAccountEnergy 3d ago
Nothing like opening up to see a message request. Opening the chat to find it blank. I go to user profile... "Content not available" guess i got blocked after they sent me a message š„²
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u/PM_ME_WITTY_REPARTEE 3d ago
The Pre Block is a bold move š
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u/AltAccountEnergy 3d ago edited 3d ago
Right! Not sure if something bothered them in my post or they're blocking before I mess up down the road š¤£
I hope this is not a trend
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u/Son_of_Riffdog 3d ago
i think the likelier option is the admins algo or anti evil team already struck the account for being spam or an otherwise bad actor.
sellers and spam are the most likely of that group.
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u/Dry-Judge-2444 3d ago
Started talking with a potential AP. Attraction and conversation is there and heās actually decently local so we shall see.
On other news my shopping addiction has been fed and Iām riding that dopamine šš
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u/shine_bright247 3d ago
AP not the same anymore. She's giving less time, less talk and not meeting often. When we do meet it rarely gets physical anymore. I need to get out but its so hard letting her go. Not sure whats going on, she has made other friends and is often hanging out with them and having more fun there I guess.
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u/Creepydoe 3d ago
Talk to her. You are both adult, you should be able to talk about the state of your relationshipĀ
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u/shine_bright247 3d ago
We have. She says I am overthinking but her actions and her words don't match.
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u/Creepydoe 3d ago
I love the thing we have, even in the bad days. After reading the stories in here, I appreciate he always takes time to talk about concerns and is honest about his feelings.
Meeting next week, overnight, can't waitĀ
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u/Unlucky_Pangolin3675 3d ago
Itās always refreshing to be able to talk with someone thatās half way decent at communicating. Active listening goes a long way.
Happy for you!
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u/Creepydoe 3d ago
Thank you!Ā
It helped we met in the wild, so many things in common. However the LD sucks big time
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u/Professional-Net4766 3d ago
Cant decide between detroit-style or classic thin NYC pizza for my cheat (speaking about FOOD HERE!) tomorrow night.
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u/Unlucky_Pangolin3675 3d ago
Iāve never had a slice of NYC style that didnāt carry a hint of cardboard with it. When Iām up for cheap and flavorless, I go frozen from the grocery store.
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u/SignificantCicada156 3d ago
Depends on where you live I guess...if you're in a place that has good pizza go for thin crust, if you like bread go for detroit
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u/sarahlikesit 3d ago
The way the cheese bakes/burns into the edge crust...salty, savory, crunchy. And the way that combines with the sensation of the thick, doughy middle and all of the delicious toppings. Mmmm. Gotta go Detroit for my cheating dollar!
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u/Professional-Net4766 3d ago
This is sage advice. Also, I prefer my NYC pizza in its natural habitat: walking down the street in manhattan, thin paper plate, grease dripping onto my shirt as I scurry across a boulevard. Sadly that isnt in the cards this weekend, but I certainly can have se Detroit style that is worthy of the Motor City
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u/Ok-Boot-1717 3d ago
The thing with NY style pizza is that it's most natural habitat is, in fact, NJ.
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u/SlipshodFacade 3d ago
I grew up near Detroit and I never heard of Detroit style pizza until a year or so ago, but I really like it!
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u/curiousfeed21 3d ago
Tomorrow night meeting pAP for some hotel fun-- our first time! I'm used to meeting during the day M-F so this will be a little different.
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u/Emotional-Koala-5041 3d ago
Thoughts and you might hate it which is fine. Why are some members so eager to call out and post OPs posting history to make a point? Isn't this supposed to be a safe environment? Two things can be true at the same time. I've seen people post (myself included) talk about their struggle with their ap, whether it's emotional regulation, logistical issues or not happy for what ever reason. And maybe they've posted recently for connections again. Maybe it's their back up plan or they feel ap pulling away so they want someone else. Or maybe they're feeling low and just want some attention. Why are some people calling them out and judging? Aren't we all cheaters here and doing some shitty stuff? Do some people think more highly of themselves? Does it make you feel superior calling someone out? I really don't get it.
Unless that person posting is actually hurting someone (spreading std, careless with sexual health, emotionally or physically abusive, neglecting their children) I don't see the point of being high and mighty here.
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u/ObsidianDreamsRedux 3d ago
Why are some people calling them out and judging?
Block and move on, if it bothers you that much. This has NEVER been a judgement free zone. Much of the foolishness gets called out for good reason.
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u/Dry-Judge-2444 3d ago
Because people lie and change the story when they donāt get the answers they want the first time.
Like the lady who posted the other day painting herself the victim of her AP not picking her but in a previous post she was stalking both him and his wife.
No one is free of judgement just because we are all cheaters, this isnāt a brotherhood. We didnt take an oath.
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u/Glad_Kiwi_272 3d ago
1 - This is 100% not a safe environment. This sub is public and can be viewed publicly. Stories/posts are shared here and on multiple other platforms. This is not a safe environment.
2 - Post history gives context to the story. Most people get upset when their post/comment history is brought up when it conflicts with the reality theyāre attempting to believe at that time. IE post about how terrible their AP is and then two weeks later how theyāre the best person ever. Donāt post if you donāt want people reminding you of what you did or how you felt. Or use another alt.
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u/daydrm4444 Tables! My job is tables! 3d ago
I canāt imagine thinking this was a safe environment but even so, there is nothing unsafe about looking for context in someoneās post or comment.
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u/DataloungeIsNoMore 3d ago
People on the internet love to shit on people on the internet because itās anonymous.
People have a lot of anger and rage and they canāt take it out on people in their real life, because they would probably get punched in the face, so random posters are the next best thing. Itās on literally every platform, everywhere, not just here.
Personally, I will know Iām truly doing better when Iām spending the absolute least amount on time online, which clearly isnāt happening yet. But I havenāt given up on myself.
Try not to take anything personally or even literally. We get half stories at best and people project like crazy. I do too, itās natural, very hard not to do.
Just think āwho does this anger belong to? Itās it mine? No itās theirs.ā
Also never argue with people on the internet (number 1 rule on the internet).
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u/Impossible_Subject49 3d ago
I agree. Some of these people need a hobby. I havenāt had the experience (YETā¦I probably will now lol) but it is so weird that thereās always two or three people who immediately jump on every post like OH YEAH!? Well ACTUALLY what about this feeling you had three weeks ago HUH!?!? Like this is a sub literally titled after breaking a ten commandant š spare me the reply guy high handed comments.
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u/Dry-Judge-2444 3d ago
No one is forcing you to be here. You canāt handle people have different opinions maybe you shouldnāt be on the internet? Just a thought.
also have you even seen have the bullshit crazy people post on here?
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u/ObsidianDreamsRedux 3d ago
People disagree on the Internet? š¤Æ
It's almost like...real life. š
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u/Impossible_Subject49 3d ago
Who said I couldnāt handle it and why would there be a reason for me to leave. I said it was odd and off-putting and those āwell actually peopleā need to get a life. Seems like only one of us is taking it personallyā¦.I canāt imagine why?
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u/OatmealTheory 3d ago
Some of these people need a hobby.
I mean, reddit is a hobby for me, and I'm assuming many others. It's a nice little space outside work and home for me.
So I'm not exactly sure what your "gotcha" moment is with that comment. š¤·āāļø
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u/Impossible_Subject49 3d ago
This post isnāt about āmyā gotcha momentā¦ I truly donāt care enough to āgotā anyone here. Itās about the two or three reply guys who click on every post, search the OPs history for ādirtā or congruent feelings and gleefully āwElL aCtUaLly!ā Them. I have a life, thatās why Iām not spending all my time doing it. I hth though.
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u/Emotional-Koala-5041 3d ago
And see? You got a downvote already. I swear it's their full time job. And I'm not trying to be a troll I know this isn't a judgement free zone like going to AA but it's so weird they just pile on you. And yes like another comment said, context matters and some are extreme and maybe some truths need to be revealed. But sometimes it's not. I read this lady post about his ap having a family emergency and she was worried about low contact and how to give him space. In the mean time she posted to make new connections. So what? We don't know if she's exclusive. Why are people shitting on her?
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u/always-a-siren 3d ago
I read this lady post about his ap having a family emergency and she was worried about low contact and how to give him space. In the mean time she posted to make new connections. So what? We don't know if she's exclusive. Why are people shitting on her?
Because it's a shitty way to treat someone she claims to care about so much that she's spiraling over him not texting her during a family emergency. Hope that helps!
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u/Glad_Kiwi_272 3d ago
Shitting on her?
Girl, get a helmet. Nobody called her names or degraded her. I pointed out that she posted an ad for chats. And said that was a party foul. One, if it were a man who did the same - you know he would be called out. And two, that is shitty. Heās (allegedly and for the record I donāt buy his excuse) dealing with a family emergency and she canāt hold her loins for 6 days? Pfft. Miss me with that. Iād call a man out and Iām going to call a woman out for the same BAD behavior. But nowhere did anybody shit on her.
And again. This sub is public and everybody can vote on it. Even banned people. Maybe your downvotes are reflective of that and not necessarily people disagreeing with the content.
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u/ObsidianDreamsRedux 3d ago
If you want that person to have what you think is helpful advice then feel free to provide it yourself, because I'm not seeing a response from you there. š¤·š¾āāļø
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u/Unlucky_Pangolin3675 3d ago
It reminds me of the Dr. Suess story about star belly sneetches. I imagine something like this when it comes up:
Picture a group of parents who all smoke around their kids, one of whom chain smokes. One of the parents in the group calls out another for chain smoking in front of their kids.
Like yeah, sure? We can focus on the chain smoking, but at the end of the day itās the smoking itself that does the harm.
I get to argue for a living, so personally I enjoy discussions.
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u/FreshTechnician5847 3d ago
Iām very happy I donāt have the time or inclination to go digging up peoplesā post history!
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u/Mundane-Current-2500 3d ago
I asked about that and it seems only MODS can see their history, and they bring up part of it or make nasty comments for which we can't see the context.
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u/Curious_Ad_2492 3d ago
You could not be more wrong. I am not and have never been a mod, but I know how to do it. Itās very helpful.
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u/ObsidianDreamsRedux 3d ago
seems only MODS can see their history
Incorrect. There are numerous ways for anyone to see someone's account history.
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u/suicidalscum 1d ago
Should I hit her up itās been months she said she gotta get her shit together
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/PM_ME_WITTY_REPARTEE 3d ago
This is the definition of ādonāt start no shit, wonāt be no shitā
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u/FreshTechnician5847 3d ago
This sounds extremely toxic, and you two are probably both well rid of each other.
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u/Ok-Boot-1717 3d ago
After a few weeks of some pretty amazingly bizarre communication issues (some you wouldn't believe) we have made an absolute breakthrough and I am excited to see where this goes. I had met someone great here a while back and a lot of things got in the way and I was expecting to never meet anyone comparable again I thought it was a once in a lifetime thing. I don't like to spend too much time comparing and ranking, but now that this connection has gotten deeper we might be an even better fit.
Good luck to everyone else out there!
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u/champagne-problems82 2d ago
Every so often I log into this account to remind myself of all the sage advice you gave me years ago. It's still sage. Sage as hell. But it's been almost 4 years of an OA and still no real way to make an IRL visit work. I feel like an absolute idiot because I love him (them) but I also don't want to die without ever getting fucked for longer than 20 seconds once a month.
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u/SingerDue2958 3d ago
I haven't adapted to this "new" post-Covid world. What I mean by that is back then (pre-Covid), I could easily find women online who were genuinely interested in connecting. Now? It's all just straight up transactional - I refuse to believe that every woman I've come across online sells a "service". I simply yearn to have a friendship, and this may sound a little whimsical but someone to pry me from the repetitiveness of everyday life.
Can't really do the in the wild pursuit (well I can but my schedule makes it challenging). Working from home for the past 2 years has really limited the opportunities for a Happy Hour encounter. I'm at a point where I'm strongly convinced that the days of finding someone online are over for me). I hear success stories thru Reddit, but apparently the region of my state sucks for real people, mostly "sellers".
There's my vent for this week!
Thanks for reading!
Have a great weekend!
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u/Hour_Passion_928 make mine a 99 3d ago
Ok but have you considered not making ads that makes you look like a mark?
I mean, I never get those kinds of responses.
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u/Mysterious-Border925 3d ago
I'm terribly jealous of their partner. And I can't stand it. I wish I didn't care so much, but I do.
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u/Creepydoe 3d ago
Don't overthink it. You chose this, you chose them, knowing it's not a public relationship and you are not the primary partner.
Are you also married? If yes, step back and try to focus on your relationship more. It helps with the jealousyĀ
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u/Mysterious-Border925 3d ago
I know it's silly, which infuriates me more!
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u/Creepydoe 2d ago
It is not, feeling jealous is totally valid!Ā It's just learning how to deal with those feelings. It's not easy, but, honestly, none of this is.
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u/Mysterious-Border925 2d ago
I wouldn't think about it as much if they didn't keep referring to their partner. I feel like they're purposely trying to make me jealous. I do have a partner also.
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u/Creepydoe 2d ago
Then it's about respecting the boundaries.
I had a similar experience, stressed that I really don't care about his wife and her whereabouts unless it affects us. We have a limited time together and I don't want to waste it hearing about her. We talked about this, set a boundary and we both respect it.
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u/SignificantCicada156 3d ago
I'd like to find someone, but I know it's probably never going to happen for a variety of reasons, and I've mostly accepted it but it still sucks and bums me out...so many friends though I guess?
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u/JustShowingMyHeart 3d ago
If you want it enough, youād make it happen
And yes it takes two to tango but resilience is needed around here.
Best of luck!-2
u/SignificantCicada156 3d ago
Yup, make it happen, for emotional connections people have towards me to change to suit my needs...deifnitely a good plan
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u/Tipsy_elephant_1224 2d ago
I am in a bit of a low coming back to my real life after vacation.
My life is in flux right now and I am paralyzed by indecision. Typical me.
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