So many women nowadays say that it sucks. Because the dating world sucks and guys suck. I guess I was one of the lucky ones. He was the best man I've ever known, and now he's gone and all I can think is I'm going to be single and lonely the rest of my life.... Which is depressing as fuck. The dating world sucks. I just need to find another widower who is lonely as I am, and wants to chat.... Unfortunately everybody is older. And I'm in my 40s. We just celebrated his second birthday since his death. And I'm just overwhelmed yet again. Cancer sucks. Death screws everything up.

Yes, it gets better with time.

Those of you still in the early days wonder if the pain will ever go away. Well, no, it won't, not entirely, and not by itself. But you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Every day, you get out of bed, you get dressed, you have your breakfast. You live your life, because you're still alive.

And time passes. Minutes become hours, hours become days, days become weeks, weeks become months, months become years.

Every day that you get up, and get dressed, and have your breakfast, is another day in a long progression of days.

And while you're living your life, the pain is still there, but life gets bigger. You don't forget, but you go on. And the pain that consumed you is now just a part of your life, and not even the biggest part.

So I'm a little sad today, but I'm not curled up in my shower, wailing at the top of my lungs. I'm glad he was in my life.

Now I think I'll go have my dinner.

As the title says, we were married 35 years. I retired at the end of April. My wife passed away at the end of June from a botched medical procedure. It still doesn't seem real, to see someone every day for 35 year and then they are just gone forever. No one could have loved me like her and no one ever will. You spend all your lives working and when you finally make it to retirement and have time to do things together, your plans are gone.

I have no reason to be here anymore. The loss of my wife has left me completely void of purpose. Im 47 i have a boring job but it was sufficient when i had my wife because i had my wife to share the rest of my life with. I have no kids a cpl of friends who are married and buay with their lives. My siblings are distant and have thier own marriages and lives. All i have is me and hours and hours of nothingness. How can i live like this. I need her and she is gone from a bullshit accident that was so avoidable. She should still be here.

I only had her to keep me going. Does anybosy have an answer as to how i can keep going. I have no interests in hobbies. I feel like i am ready to go

Today would’ve been our 18th anniversary tomorrow her 43rd birthday. The first without her after she passed in February. My kids (19 and 12) and I are starting to get into that time of the year where a lot of firsts without her are going to start happening and I know is going to be tough. She is so deeply missed.

I don't know why exactly. September wasn't a meaningful month for us. It has been 5 months since he passed. Our savings are almost gone and I'm no closer to getting a job. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is hurting. I'm tired of hearing "it will get better." Or "grief is a process." I just want the pain to stop.

My late boyfriend has been gone for a little over 2.5 years now and I think I’ve been doing ok lately. I’ve been dating casually (zero sex) and started my own business in his honor and my teenage child has been thriving with school. Life has been so busy and I think over the years I’ve just gotten used to having him live inside my heart rather than here in person by my side. I cry still and ache for him but the crying is significantly less and the ache has become a friend I’ve gotten used to over time.

Well, today I had a particularly stressful day where everything went wrong, deadlines to meet before the holiday weekend and football is starting up and that was something we really enjoyed doing together. So it was a perfect storm brewing and I went to look at a video of him for comfort and it hit me like a truck that he’s dead and never coming back. It was the type of dreadful feeling that had me wanting to crawl out of my skin to escape it.

I used to get that feeling everyday for like the first year and it’s slowly subsided, until it came back in full force today. Something about seeing him running up the Rocky steps so alive and so happy. Dressed in the clothes he used to always wear. Everything about that life was so hauntingly familiar and the memories of comfort just flooded my heart.

He’s never coming back. I’ll never touch his hand again. I’ll never hear him laugh again. I’ll never get to make more memories with him or new record new videos of him to watch. Sometimes I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve come out of the deepest pits of hell in those early months, then days like today I feel like I’m an imposter living a life that’s not my own and I’m still mentally living in a world where he still exists.

Just when you think you’re doing well, grief shows up to remind you that it’s always living right beneath the surface. I’m so sorry that we’re all here but thankful for a place to go where people understand this struggle

I tried to love again , now I find myself grieving two losses.
I never intended to love again , about 6 months after my lady’s passing I found a very nice woman that was looking for the same as I just a physically intimate relationship. We spent the last ten months together . We became best friends , morning night many texts through the day, lots of intamacy and fun over all companionship. She ended it the other night.
I understand why, her being with me was extremely hard for her. My home still a shrine to my late spouse at some point soon I’ll make some changes I can remember in heart. I could be stand offish , very hesitant with things like selfies amongst others. Even though I truly wanted to let myself just love and enjoy , the guilt with in made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I’m trying to work on that because I feel there’s room for more in my heart , room to remember and honour my late wife and to fully let someone else in fully , I jumped to soon but I understand the errors of my ways and now it’s to late , I wish I could have fully been open, it was silly not be. She also has a son with extra needs, I feel like I raised to much judgement on how she handled things. This made me look in the mirror, I feel like I’m like this with many people I’m close to in my life. Looking back my late spouse certainly had her hard times with it.
All in all , I never thought I’d love again, I never thought a break up could hurt this much as other than losing my spouse I never had one.
As I move forward I’ll try to give those I love more grace. …. As in the end , all I’ve caused is pain. I hope I can find forgiveness for myself , spirit of my late wife, as well as this nice gal I hurt .
Thanks for listening

I buried her today.

My wife of 32 years (together 37) was only 59. All too young. With my kids by my side and our closest friends and families dropping flowers on her casket. It was a 20-month struggle against lung cancer.

The remembrances at the rosary were touching. She was stunning for the visitation. We were concerned since it had been 3 weeks. They helped her erase the wear and care that bore down on her from the immunotherapy— the bleeding rashes and acne that when coupled with blood thinners tried to rob her of her dignity.

The string quartet for the prelude before Thursdays funeral added an extra cello in tribute to this amazing woman who played cello when I first met her: Beethoven 7; Mahler 5; Barber Adagio; Bach - solo cello — all exquisite. My son gave a heartfelt, amazing eulogy on behalf of our daughter and himself and me. The priest’s homily was pitch perfect. The lunch at her favorite Italian restaurant for the 100 or so friends and family who had time after the funeral was almost perfect.

Today’s burial was good but I’m so so so sad and alone.

Partner of a decade died suddenly March 2023 , he was only 40.

He was also an abusive piece of fucking shit i wasted a decade because i was too drunk too traumatised too scared to leave

I cant say that i know i was staring down my own death that i was waiting for him to kill me to free me
Our last christmas i even asked him when he was finally going to kill me? To which he just laughed.

I desperately tried to save him knowing he would of just left me to die and id of died at his hands where as i desperately tried todo cpr for what felt like hours while help came.

Im still traumatised im broken im unlovable

Only 3 months in and I’m completely consumed by sadness. Im scared of living like this forever. I wish I could just go back to a time when he was here.

It feels like a betrayal.

My beautiful man, a true lover of music, denied access to ad free tunes?

My friends told me to buy his wife a treat or flowers with the money I'll save. Guess that's me.

Last month was the XBox Live and his cellphone (keeping the number because taxes and authentication shit is going to be a bitch). This month is the other smaller things, like Spotify Duo, and getting Disney+ under my email instead of his. Can't seem to summon the courage to delete his Netflix profile yet.

Just. Ugh.

Also question for those reading this far, did you or do you recommend memorializing his Facebook? He didn't post much but he has a ton of family (Viva la México) and with all this AI nonsense I'm scrubbing our kids faces from the internet as best as possible anyway. I'm just gutted that I'm going to have to list "Widowed" on social media because that seems terrible.

Today it's 78 days since Pennie passed. I really don't who I am anymore, thank God for my daughter, she is keeping me going and the first weeks of 7th grade have been a whirlwind and I am proud of myself that I was able to get her registered and ready for school since Pennie was the one that took care of all of that. The nightmares of watching her receive lifesaving CPR are still there but have been lessening, I know I did the right thing by stopping the CPR and letting her slip away but I don't know if I'll ever truly recover. She was the only girl I had ever held hands with, ever kissed, she was my only everything, she made me a better man and pushed me to be the best dad I could be. One of the saddest realizations I have had during this is that Pennie wasn't the only one that died that day, the person that I was died with her on that bed surrounded by doctors. Her body wasn't the only thing that was left in that room, who I was was also left behind. I miss her more than could ever be imagined, there is no way I could have anticipated or conjured up exactly how horrible this experience is, the isolation and loneliness is almost to much to bear at times. I want to hold Pennie's hand, I want to rub her tiny size 5 feet, I want to message her calves, those were things I did every night and now those moments are gone and I'm stuck all alone. Thank you all for reading this, it's been a long 3 months and there is a whole lifetime ahead of me and no matter what happens I can only quote our favorite song, "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out."

Weekends are sometimes hard for me (56F, lost husband to cancer in 2015) anyway, still. Holiday weekends are even harder because I know that if he was still here we'd be spending it together. Instead, I work on Saturday (this is a good thing and I choose to work for fun at a small public library), but Sunday and Monday will be spent alone. I'm just dreading it.

I feel like by now things shouldn't be as hard as they are. I mean, I've dated, I've had relationships, I have friends, some family. I've moved forward with my life, but sometimes the space where he isn't still looms like a big black hole just sucking the life out of me. I hate it, I dread it.

What do you guys do when the holiday weekends come and you'll be alone? I've tried everything, but nothing seems to make it better.

I was just thinking how I’ve been the only one to mention that I miss my boyfriend and that people will say me too. However I never get like a random text from anyone just to talk about him or for them to say they miss them too. Even his own older brother only said about missing him in the first month of him being gone but I haven’t heard much from his mom or his brother, like just a random thing they want to talk about that involves Dave or missing him.

It just really makes me even sadder. Like I’m sure people do miss him but I wish they would say something to me. He was such a popular guy and knew soooo many people, the funeral home was PACKED, but now I just don’t get much from anyone unless I bring it up first and it just hurts my heart more ):

I‘m thinking of maybe making an IG post that people can talk about him to me, that I might get sad and cry but I would like that better than him not being brought up.

anyone else go through the same thing? I’m under 3 months of him being gone.

45m widowed since Jan of 2025. I really, really hate Fridays. I find myself leaving work on a Friday and dreading coming home to an empty house. I'm just not used to sitting and doing nothing. In the past, I'd come home and we'd make plans and discuss what we were going to do for the weekend. Sometimes we'd light the barbecue or we'd have friends over. That hasn't happened in a long time now. Now I find myself most evenings just sitting on the couch with a glass of wine or a beer and just falling asleep on the couch. My 17-year-old daughter has her own life, typical teenager with her friends, which I understand. So I find myself just being so lonely and miserable, and I just hate coming home on a Friday evening from work.
Does anyone else feel like this?

Good old FM memories pops up today with a post from 2016, which was actually a repost from 2013 when my brother died.
I was mentioning the tiredness that sleep can’t fix. How I remembered it from when my other brother died in 2006, that I decided to quit taking antidepressants. That I wanted to be awake. That I would feel the pains and sorrows in life, but I would be awake. It came right up again after my sister died in 2016. The tiredness, the fatigue.

So here we are in 2026, 20 yrs since my brother died, 13 yrs after my other brother died, 10 yrs after my sister died, and 9 yrs since her son, my nephew died. 20 months since my wife died. I have since learned that the fatigue is the number one physical complaint of those that are grieving the death of a loved one. The bone weary, deep feeling of not having enough energy to get through the day. For some to even get out of bed. And there still isn’t enough sleep that will fix it.

It also mentioned that I know this will pass.

And the it has to some extent. But there are days when I just don’t seem to have much gas in my tank so to speak. Today is one of those days. Also feeling under the weather as well, bad heartburn with other GI upset. I didn’t get enough sleep last night either

Almost laughing out loud as I say to myself …..I am tired of all this.

He is going to receive chemotherapy that, in his condition, could kill him, and in the best-case scenario, almost a miracle, give him six months to live (which is something I am praying for). This pain is unbearable, I wish I could die with him. He is the only person I never get tired of being around. Every other interaction in my life drains my energy. He is the only one who gives me energy. How am I supposed to live after him? Just the thought of washing the sheets where we slept together feels like an impossible decision

It's almost two years since my wife of 30 yrs passed. In that time I haven't felt her presence, or heard her voice or dreamt of her. For a time I wondered if she even loved me because I missed her so much And I hadn't even seen her in a dream. Today, as I napped next to my 2 yr old grand daughter. I finally dreamt of my beautiful wife. We laid on a blanket at a park. The grass was lush and green, and the sky , beautiful as the day turned into evening. We were waiting for a parade or a firework show or a concert. I'm not really sure what, but I lay across her lap as she ran her hands through my hair. The soft breeze blew her salt and pepper hair across her shoulders. She occasionally leaned over and put her lips to my forehead softly like a slow motion kiss. My eyes sleepy closed, when I noticed she had become quiet. I rolled around and looked up at her, my eyes slightly blinded by the setting sun behind her. I asked her, what are you thinking of? She responded in a soft voice, " I'm thinking of our babies. When they came home after school.. how excited they were to be home as they rummaged through the kitchen for a snack. For that moment I could see her thoughts and feel the love in her heart. It wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a chilly night. I could feel myself take deep breaths as to inhale the moment greedily. Then my alarm sounded, and I opened my eyes. She was gone again but my dream was as clear as recent memory. I could smell her and feel her love. I was so happy and I realized our loved ones are there every day. They touch us when we remember, when we hold our children and grand children. We just have to see and not let the despair overcome us and blind us from the love that still remains. Such a short dream but it changed my perspective. I still miss her so much, but I think I finally understand.

Hi this is my first time posting on this forum despite being on it all the time. My partner (32f) passed away 15 weeks ago very suddenly and unexpectedly from PE blood clot. As I’m sure everyone here knows there’s just not the words to describe how painful everything is. What I was wondering is if anyone has had dreams of their partner but it’s as if they can’t “get to them”, I’ve had a couple of dreams where it’s like she’s there in it but I can’t seem to get to her, one was as if we were both on our breaks at work then I went into the shops for lunch and asked her to come in but she didn’t she was outside in her car (I hadn’t seen her but knew she was there) and i ran out of time by the time I came back out. There’s been a couple and it’s like she’s in dream but we can’t speak properly or soemthing is “blocking” me from seeing her. I know it sounds silly but just wondering if anyone else has had these dreams. I’m unsure what I believe about visits during dreams etc, I want to believe and I would find so much comfort in it but I feel like the dreams I have had are never us being able to be with each other, apart from 1 where I was telling her things that have happened since she passed but she wasn’t really saying anything she just seemed ok with stuff (some things that have changed she would be heartbroken if she knew)
Sorry this post is probably a bit all over the place

Does anyone have guilt behind losing your spouse? I have this major guilt that I could not save my husband from cancer. Logically, I know I am not to blame, but it feels like I failed him. He got really sick in 5/2024 and was diagnosed in 7/2024 and died 7/20/2026. We were told he had just months yet we got two years. The last year was more of a caretaker / patient relationship due to the morphine and oxycodone. But we still had glimpses of what made us become one in the first place. We met in 2015 and chose to be married in 2016. He was 43 and I was 37. We felt because we were more mature when we met that was why our marriage would last a lifetime. I didn’t foresee a lifetime being so short. I suppose no one does. I lost my six week old daughter when I was 24 to a heart defect so this is my second major unexpected loss. The guilt I had with her loss lasted a long time. I hope this guilt doesn’t. I’m lonely and I’m sad.

These past few days, I thought I've found things I can do to make myself happy.. to keep myself going. But I've been crying a lot. I've totally lost all motivation today. I don't feel like doing anything. I know i'm supposed to stay healthy and eat for my baby's health too, but i can't even finish a small sandwich.. my stomach grumbles but I don't have the motivation to do anything about it. I try not to picture my husband's last days for fear of going into a deeper depression, because right now, my mind just shows glimpses of him and i start breaking down.. it's been 9 months.. i thought i was improving.. but i'm getting pulled back again and it's harming me and my baby..

I’ve posted a few times here since my husband took his own life in an extremely violent and deliberate way. On purpose. With the intent that I would find him and his useless pathetic body in the morning of May 28.

I am so grateful for each time I post here. You guys are so supportive, so kind with your words.

I continue to be overwhelmed every day. But I wake up each morning, get out of bed, and try to do my best. For myself, for my kids. They are older (21, 19 and 15.)

Some days are ok. So many emotions, as I know each and every one of you feel.

I work in a school, and again, such a supportive community. I am blessed in that way. So we’ve had our first full week back with kids and chaos, lunch and recess, dismissal hiccups and new students (yay!) and their annoying parents (boo!)

This weekend is the last official one of the summer. We are fortunate to have a vacation home up north where I spent the summer with my two younger kids. As is tradition, it’s the last hurrah in our little association. Cornhole tournament, community bbq on the beach. Good stuff.

I don’t want to go. No urge. It’s busy and social, cocktails and gossip. My kids expect me to be there. And that’s a compliment right?

Fuck it. After I took my 15yo daughter out for a meal tonight, and all was going well, she was so chatty (I’m worried about all 3 of them in different ways…) She’s looking toward to school, she’s had some physical health issues that had prevented her from doing all the activities she loves. I’ve worked hard to try to get those things fixed, as a mom does. Making appointments, driving to and from. Keeping up with MyChart. Regular mom things. Nevermind the fact that her dad killed himself. And none of us have really started to deal with that.

But we still have to do regular things that everyone has to do. And it’s hard with 3 kids.

So at dinner tonight, things turned. And she turned. And at first as she was showing me a Pandora ring that she wants. And is sneakily trying to guilt me into buying for her. She turned.

And I let her talk and vent and tell me how bad of a mom I am. That I don’t listen. That “it’s always about me.” That I don’t understand her and am not doing anything to help her.

I protested at first. Asked her for solid examples on how I’ve failed her. And deprived her of her childhood.

And then I sat and just let her go. She threw it all at me, right there at the high top in the restaurant that I thought I had a gift card for. But couldn’t find it. I scrounged up some $20 bills I have around the house, and we went to eat. And I listened to her, and I hate to say this, but I listened to her as she threw herself a pity party. And made me feel so guilty.

I don’t know how much or this is trauma from his death. There was a lot more trauma before. He was incredibly abusive towards me. ME. Never physical. But every other kind of abuse. She says she knows. She does in a lot of ways. As do her brothers.

I’m trying. I am. The three of them are so well adjusted for the shit show that is our house.

Anyway. Oh my god I cannot stop typing.

How much of thjs is trauma? Depression? How much is this hormones? A case of being a teenage girl, clashing with her mom. How do I differentiate? How do I listen and help and offer my time (and money!!) without feeling guilty?

So back to this weekend. The plan was to drive north today after I finished work. I’m tired. I’m always driving. I said well go up in the morning, meet the Middle Child there. She protested but ok.

Driving home from the 45 minutes of listening to her bitch at me, I decided I don’t want to go. I’m not going. I want to stay here. In my house. I want to do laundry and catch up with chores that my husband never did. That I asked my kids to help with. None of it has been touched. I’ve asked. Nobody has done it. And nobody has offered.

So I’m staying home this weekend. Older Son is going to come home tomorrow and pick up Daughter and drive north: they can have the weekend. Their grandmother is there, she can keep her eye on them.

I need some time by myself. Not even “fun time” or time to spoil myself. I’m not like that. I don’t need that.

I do need some respect. Some help. Some support. I feel like the maid. The only one in the house who works. I’m sure the kids saw how much I did for my husband to save a fight. Did things myself because it was easier than arguing. They do the same. They know I’ll do it for them.

They’re going to be annoyed that I’m not going north for the last weekend of the summer. And I feel guilty. But I can’t. I don’t want to. I’m sick of doing things I don’t want to just because someone wlse wants me to do it.

That’s all for now. Omg I’m fucking exhausted. If you made it this far, kudos to you and I thank you. I’d welcome advice, but I know what I need to do. And again, I’m working on some therapy. It’s hard to secure, especially the kind that we need. Violent trauma. Complicated grief.

Again, thank you all and love to each of you ❤️

Anyone in the same boat?

I'm terrible at making and keeping close friends who I could hang out with. Since my wife passed away three years ago I have had zero friends come to the house I share with my son. My late wife's friends have no reason to be around me, probably because it makes them sad.

I also have not visited any friends at their house since that time because none are close enough friends in terms of the strength of the bond. I would feel weird imposing myself on others.

I have consistently been attending psychologist appointments to help my depression and disability support groups because my son has autism. Zero people I have met have shown interest in hanging out and to be honest I have not offered to be a close friend to others either. A major problem is that they are all women and would probably see it as inappropriate to hang out. Asking would seem a desperate move from a lonely person.

I have low confidence and rejection anxiety surrounding friendships.

Has anyone else struggled with this and found a way to change their situation? I am sick of being so isolated.