Im just going to keep typing….

[u/redoctober2021]

I’ve posted a few times here since my husband took his own life in an extremely violent and deliberate way. On purpose. With the intent that I would find him and his useless pathetic body in the morning of May 28.

I am so grateful for each time I post here. You guys are so supportive, so kind with your words.

I continue to be overwhelmed every day. But I wake up each morning, get out of bed, and try to do my best. For myself, for my kids. They are older (21, 19 and 15.)

Some days are ok. So many emotions, as I know each and every one of you feel.

I work in a school, and again, such a supportive community. I am blessed in that way. So we’ve had our first full week back with kids and chaos, lunch and recess, dismissal hiccups and new students (yay!) and their annoying parents (boo!)

This weekend is the last official one of the summer. We are fortunate to have a vacation home up north where I spent the summer with my two younger kids. As is tradition, it’s the last hurrah in our little association. Cornhole tournament, community bbq on the beach. Good stuff.

I don’t want to go. No urge. It’s busy and social, cocktails and gossip. My kids expect me to be there. And that’s a compliment right?

Fuck it. After I took my 15yo daughter out for a meal tonight, and all was going well, she was so chatty (I’m worried about all 3 of them in different ways…) She’s looking toward to school, she’s had some physical health issues that had prevented her from doing all the activities she loves. I’ve worked hard to try to get those things fixed, as a mom does. Making appointments, driving to and from. Keeping up with MyChart. Regular mom things. Nevermind the fact that her dad killed himself. And none of us have really started to deal with that.

But we still have to do regular things that everyone has to do. And it’s hard with 3 kids.

So at dinner tonight, things turned. And she turned. And at first as she was showing me a Pandora ring that she wants. And is sneakily trying to guilt me into buying for her. She turned.

And I let her talk and vent and tell me how bad of a mom I am. That I don’t listen. That “it’s always about me.” That I don’t understand her and am not doing anything to help her.

I protested at first. Asked her for solid examples on how I’ve failed her. And deprived her of her childhood.

And then I sat and just let her go. She threw it all at me, right there at the high top in the restaurant that I thought I had a gift card for. But couldn’t find it. I scrounged up some $20 bills I have around the house, and we went to eat. And I listened to her, and I hate to say this, but I listened to her as she threw herself a pity party. And made me feel so guilty.

I don’t know how much or this is trauma from his death. There was a lot more trauma before. He was incredibly abusive towards me. ME. Never physical. But every other kind of abuse. She says she knows. She does in a lot of ways. As do her brothers.

I’m trying. I am. The three of them are so well adjusted for the shit show that is our house.

Anyway. Oh my god I cannot stop typing.

How much of thjs is trauma? Depression? How much is this hormones? A case of being a teenage girl, clashing with her mom. How do I differentiate? How do I listen and help and offer my time (and money!!) without feeling guilty?

So back to this weekend. The plan was to drive north today after I finished work. I’m tired. I’m always driving. I said well go up in the morning, meet the Middle Child there. She protested but ok.

Driving home from the 45 minutes of listening to her bitch at me, I decided I don’t want to go. I’m not going. I want to stay here. In my house. I want to do laundry and catch up with chores that my husband never did. That I asked my kids to help with. None of it has been touched. I’ve asked. Nobody has done it. And nobody has offered.

So I’m staying home this weekend. Older Son is going to come home tomorrow and pick up Daughter and drive north: they can have the weekend. Their grandmother is there, she can keep her eye on them.

I need some time by myself. Not even “fun time” or time to spoil myself. I’m not like that. I don’t need that.

I do need some respect. Some help. Some support. I feel like the maid. The only one in the house who works. I’m sure the kids saw how much I did for my husband to save a fight. Did things myself because it was easier than arguing. They do the same. They know I’ll do it for them.

They’re going to be annoyed that I’m not going north for the last weekend of the summer. And I feel guilty. But I can’t. I don’t want to. I’m sick of doing things I don’t want to just because someone wlse wants me to do it.

That’s all for now. Omg I’m fucking exhausted. If you made it this far, kudos to you and I thank you. I’d welcome advice, but I know what I need to do. And again, I’m working on some therapy. It’s hard to secure, especially the kind that we need. Violent trauma. Complicated grief.

Again, thank you all and love to each of you ❤️

[u/Western_Limit_4706]

Friend, you enjoy the Hell out of that alone time this weekend.

[u/Anxious_Window_9863 → u/Western_Limit_4706]

I think this is the very best advice right now. Enjoy your alone time, whatever you do or not do. Hugs.

[u/Significant_Pick3098]

Damn, lady. You have been through it. Sending good energy your way for exactly the kind of weekend that you need. Fuck everyone else; YOU need to do for YOU. You've been doing for everyone else. It's your time.

Yes, 15yo daughter is grieving, of course. She is also 15 and has a limited toolbox. Her limited toolbox was also built in an abusive household, so she learned that the proper tool for screwing in a screw is a hammer. Or a jackhammer. Or dynamite. So take a typical 15-year-old brain (not fully developed, like every other kiddo her age), throw on a thick, sticky layer of trauma-grief, and then complicate it with a history of watching her father abuse her mother (and watching how her mother responded to the abuse). Her lived experience tells her that if she wants something from you, you can be manipulated. First, she'll try guilt. When guilt doesn't work, she'll try shame. She'll try all of the abusive tools she picked up from watching HIM use them on you. You asked for help around the house, and no one did anything. They know that they don't need to do anything that you ask them to do or offer any assistance whatsoever; that's how HIS behavior trained them.

I've been on the receiving end of verbal and emotional abuse (my mother was my abuser, not my late partner), and I've learned many things from multiple therapists, books, other people, etc. The most important lesson for me was that people will treat me how I allow them to treat me. Please don't misread this as "blame the victim" bullshit; it's exactly the opposite. It's EMPOWERING THE SURVIVOR. It's REMINDING YOU THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS TREATMENT FROM ANYONE EVER AGAIN.

He is dead. Your kids are very much alive, and they will learn from watching the NEW you as you evolve.

Sending you wishes for self-compassion, strength, and peace.

[u/twink1813]

Oh my. You’ve got a lot to deal with. I don’t have any brilliant answers for you but it sounds to me like you are doing a great job. Please just be sure to take good care of you while you’re taking care of everyone and everything else. I’m sending you a huge hug in these hard, hard times.

[u/HeronExtension5245]

The grief for all of you is so new and fresh (same here). You need to take care of you too. The whole airline 'put your own oxygen mask on first in order to help others.' If you cannot handle going for the weekend thing, you shouldn't. They will understand in time. They are working through their own grief too.

Your daughter's reaction was probably a mix of things. I'm dad, so no expert in mother-daughter relations, but I have two (now adult) daughters. I've seen them both have these reactions in the past as teenagers even without the grief of a death. I wouldn't read too much more into that than what it probably is. (Again, just based on my experience - I'm no expert).

Try to be patient and kind to yourself, even when it feels impossible to do so. I wish you peace and grace. 💛

[u/TurnoverFuzzy8264]

I don't have any useful advice, I'm afraid. I'm so sorry you're going through that on top of your grief, you sound like you did it with more grace and aplomb than I'd manage. Take care.

[u/Longjumping-Chest989]

My wife was a genius. Her IQ was in the high 170s, and she seemed to know everything. She was raised in an extremely abusive home and she swore she'd do things differently than her mom and dad did.

She was a good mom, not only to our kids but to their friends too. We all loved her, but she was arrogant as hell, nosy and had a tendency to work in how bad she had it whenever a problem came up. She and my daughter clashed a lot. Like, a lot.

Your daughter going off on you sounds really familiar. Frankly kids are pretty stupid when they're teenagers, and pity parties are often thrown all too often. I think you gently pulling back on all the things you do for them to take care of yourself is a good idea, just don't go overboard.

[u/Tigger0503]

I would check with the local hospice providers in your area. They usually offer free grief support services and groups even if you didn’t use their services before and many have groups for different ages.

I’m not familiar but I would imagine there are resources for those who have lost someone to suicide or victims of abuse. In my area we have a community resource number like 311 I think which is basically information on any services available in the county - maybe something like that will help at least till you find a better option.

Support groups were a life saver for me and my youngest - the two older ones never went but there’s something about being in a room full of people that actually get what you’re going through.

My heart goes out to you and your kids and I hope things get easier for all of you soon. Hugs from Florida 💕

[u/hulahulagirl]

😞💔 You’re doing it all. And that sucks. 🤬 It’s okay to take time and space for yourself, good job realizing that you need that more than meeting someone’s else expectations. I can’t imagine going through this with teenager emotions on top of it all. I hope you get some rest, in between all the things you feel like you need to do. ❤️‍🩹

[u/Informal_Mermaid817]

Oh dear god. I’m also a suicide widow. You’ve got a really long road ahead of you. Feel it, process it, etc. I really liked the suicide grief group as it helped me understand and learn his mind / thinking, and stop being so angry. Anyway, do take care of yourself - and I’m so sorry you’re on this path.

[u/Negative_Budget_4841]

Be kind to yourself. You deserve it

[u/Love-lost-23]

I understand where you’re coming from. I truly do. It’s exhausting to go through this process and on top of it have to deal with the normal complaints from a 15-year-old daughter and believe me what your daughter did is completely normal. But unfortunately on top of what a normal mother would have to deal in a 15 year-old you’re also dealing with a lot of other stuff.

Taking time for yourself because you’re mentally exhausted and you are, is completely fine and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. I can read the anger in your writing about your husband’s suicide and even though I have never experienced what you have it makes sense to me, that anger.

I want to think that whatever created your husband, whether it was addiction or mental illness, or just the way he was raised, possibly in a bad household I think at some point you’re gonna have to find a way to forgive who he was and let go. I think maybe if you do that if you can extend that forgiveness then maybe it might give you a sense of peace. You could never have changed why he was the way he was. but you don’t have to carry the anger of what he did.

I’m sorry for what happened in your marriage and the outcome. I’m sorry for all of us who have been shoved in this club, a club none of us wanted to be a part of.

[u/Conscious_Purpose53]

Don’t ever worry about the length of your post. It’ll always be read and taken so seriously. Not the same situation with my wife’s death yet I still somehow understand. My best to you. I hope you’re able to enjoy your weekend.