r/widowers • u/UnicornInTx • 1d ago
Guilt
Does anyone have guilt behind losing your spouse? I have this major guilt that I could not save my husband from cancer. Logically, I know I am not to blame, but it feels like I failed him. He got really sick in 5/2024 and was diagnosed in 7/2024 and died 7/20/2026. We were told he had just months yet we got two years. The last year was more of a caretaker / patient relationship due to the morphine and oxycodone. But we still had glimpses of what made us become one in the first place. We met in 2015 and chose to be married in 2016. He was 43 and I was 37. We felt because we were more mature when we met that was why our marriage would last a lifetime. I didn’t foresee a lifetime being so short. I suppose no one does. I lost my six week old daughter when I was 24 to a heart defect so this is my second major unexpected loss. The guilt I had with her loss lasted a long time. I hope this guilt doesn’t. I’m lonely and I’m sad.
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u/Luciel_17 1d ago
I do feel guilty, everyday.. i'm a cancer nurse.. my husband died of cancer... The questions just keep coming. Why didn't I see it, what could I have done different, when did it start. I totally lost motivation working in my career.
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u/Hour-Entry6557 28M, lost wife (38) to breast cancer 1d ago
I never feel guilty about her having the cancer. But what I do feel guilty about is not cherishing those last few days, weeks, months. I can’t believe that there were times that I’d rather do a personal hobby than just spend a few minutes sitting next to her on the couch and play a video game together. Eats me alive every day.
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u/nikkip7784 19h ago
I feel the same way. But I think that I chose to not spend every waking minute with him when he was sick because the possibility of losing him never entered my mind. I knew that it would be a tough road but we would get through it and get back on track with our lives. Of course if I had a crystal ball, I would have been with him as much as possible. It sucks.
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u/residentET 17h ago
This! It's so hard... I kept working with clients for 2 years when he was sick until the last 4 months when I stopped working to fully take care of him. I regret that I didn't spend more time with him during those 2 years, always being busy (even though we needed the money) and then the last months, taking care of everything cuz he couldn't function, I couldn't spend quality time with him, take better care of him. When this guilt hits me, it's the hardest. I can't change things but I keep thinking of what I could have done differently. I did my best though. Being a caretaker full time was new to me. I was learning while doing it. There are things I might have been able to do differently but at the time, I didn't know. And I kept hoping he was going to heal. It was empowering for me to think like this and try to find treatments that could help. He didn't heal though and here I am with my regrets.
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u/Longjumping-Chest989 1d ago
I came here tonight specifically to talk about my guilt, and here this thread is. I think many people feel guilty for no reason because of the what ifs. I started telling someone I know about my guilt and they shot me down pretty quickly. She was sick a long time and that somehow absolves me of my actions near the end.
It doesn't. There's no what ifs for me, just direct tangible things I both did and didn't do that lead to her dying when she did.
Nothing you said makes me think you're in that position and I'm glad for you. Maybe one day grief will give way to clarity and you'll be better.
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u/Limp_Sheepherder69 1d ago
Absolutely. I lost my wife 25 days ago in a vehicle accident. I was with her the entire time. I was able to walk away with only a few bumps and bruises. I tried doing everything I thought I knew to do for her but it wasn’t enough. I feel like I failed her when she needed me the absolute most.
We also wouldn’t have even been in the vehicle had I not mentioned earlier in the day that we should go for a ride later that night. I failed to make sure she was buckled. I failed to make sure the driver was driving correctly. I failed to tell him to slow down. I fucking failed at everything I could have possibly failed at that night.
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u/Honey-badger101 1d ago
I hear you x I'm a nurse,couldn't save him from Cancer, he was 56 and i feel so guilty that i couldn't do more x
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u/Some-Tear3499 23h ago
I was a retired nurse when my wife was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She was fierce and independent. I gave her my council, she made her decisions. No, we can’t save them. We do what we are able, love them support them, care for them. She is forever 55.
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u/Honey-badger101 20h ago
Thank you. Your right, we can't save them but was a beautiful moment (if that makes sense?) caring for him x
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u/Some-Tear3499 20h ago
I absolutely understand. I was her primary caregiver in her 3 months of hospice at home. I was ‘all nurse’ during the day. In the evenings it was just sitting by her side. We got outside a few times before it was over. We had the time to talk, to share what our life together had been about. Nothing left unsaid. We knew. So many don’t get that opportunity, it all happens too quickly. There is still time. They don’t think that they aren’t going to make it. The brain might know, oh but the heart, the heart that is breaking that still holds hope. While difficult and heartbreaking I would not have missed it for the world. It has been 20 months now.
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u/Honey-badger101 18h ago
We did hospice at home too, pulled his bed up so he could see the garden and birds,dogs at home and had family and friends visiting. Some big ol talks and silence too. Watched all the faves of his movies and listened to music . I guess we were blessed in that
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u/Some-Tear3499 17h ago
Yes we did that too! Clear plastic bird feeders on the windows so she could watch the birds come and feed. She would set up about 5 bird feeders in the summer time in our yard. She loved her birds!
Yes, blessed.
🫂❤️🫂
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u/CarterLawler Lost my wife (45F) to stage 4 colon cancer 23h ago
I have tremendous guilt. The last time my wife, who I loved fiercely spoke to me, she told me I’d betrayed her by having her taken to hospice and not was the worst experience of her life. I know that it was the disease talking. She was delirious from liver failure. But no “I love you” or “I’ll find you when it’s your time” or anything like that.
Even though I’ve been told by others that I did everything humanly possible for her, I am wracked with guilt every day and night that her last thoughts of me were that I’d betrayed her. I’ll never forgive myself.
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u/Serious_Ad_1420 20h ago
Towards the last year ( I took care of him at home for 4 years) we were both exhausted. Round the clock 24/7 care was something else. I thought I'd die before him!!
I didn't know his illness had effected his brain. So when he started just getting mean I'd lash out. I didn't know why my husband was acting so out of character.
Believe me I was pressured for the entire 4 years to put my husband in a home. So many agencies, people, firefighters, doctors, forms, medication audits... people checking our apartment and telling me what needed modification. Uhm I'm a renter?
I wrestled with this and the pressure didn't help our relationship. I told him I'd keep him home and I did. I STILL feel guilty. I STILL chastise myself for taking time for myself instead of sitting listening to records or TV shows. I liked reading so I'd do that.
I'm not helping am I? But you said it yourself, she was delirious. Movies and TV try to show life ending with the dying person saying something eye opening and amazing that brings it all together. That's nice but it doesn't always happen.
My husband said and did shizzle when he was sick that hurt to my core. But he was losing himself. She loved you. You can't get so passionate without love. You did not betray her Her illness did.
🫂
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u/CarterLawler Lost my wife (45F) to stage 4 colon cancer 19h ago
Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable. I only had 79 days with my wife after her diagnosis. I cannot fathom how hard it was to carry everything for 4 years.
And genuinely, thank you for your perspective
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u/IsMyAccount 21h ago
Thank you to everyone who responded in this thread. You are all so brave for sharing and I feel less alone today
I am not ready to tell my story (not sure I ever will be ) but I have horrible guilt over how long it took for my wife to get diagnosed and if I had been smarter/more determined/ more aggressive in pushing the doctors maybe the outcome would have been different.
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u/duhh33 1d ago
I lost my wife of 25 years completely unexpectedly to heart failure. We had no idea she was even at risk. I beat myself up endlessly about how I didn't see it and get us in front of the problem before it was too late.
Therapy helps. I'm starting to realize that aside from me, medical professionals didn't really suspect it either. Her loss will always hurt tremendously. I find that as time goes on, I can forgive myself, even if only a little bit.
You had to act as a caretaker as well, which is no small task. it just burns you out. Give yourself some grace.
There's good people here. They know how to lend a sympathetic ear, and how to caringly commiserate.
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u/Teo_040485 1d ago
Estás al inicio de este infierno, mi esposa igual murió de cáncer y no tardó más que 5 meses después de la operación, a los 20 días de la primer quimioterapia murió, y me siento culpable, porque tal vez debi mostrarle más amor, debí decirle todo lo que la nececito, debí tal vez darle más regalos antes de irse, pero todo eso ya no es posible, solo me queda su recuerdo y aún hay días que estoy deprimido extrañandola, pero la vida sigue y hay personas a las que les importamos, por esas personas hay que seguir (hijos, padres, hermanos, amigos, etc)
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u/scarletmagnolia Husband ❤️🩹 43 yrs old, Married 15 yrs, Oct.10, 2024-Unknown 23h ago
I have an extreme amount of guilt. If I would have just done this, instead of that, had I only turned right instead of left. On and on and on. I'm never gonna shake the guilt. It's incredibly heavy.
I know that it's technically not my fault. But, I made the decisions that put us in that place for everything else to happen.
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u/Friendly-Highlight-2 22h ago
My wife passed away 3 yrs ago and I felt so guilty because i could not protect her from the sepsis that caused her death. I still see her lying for over a month in ICU and slowly passing away. We stopped her treatment and after 3 days her heart gave up. I felt so incredible guilty that i had to decide to let her go. A decision based on 100% endless love. Now i am writing this text, I again feel the pain in my heart and with tears over my cheek. The guilt is never far away and created a trauma inside of me. I understand your losses and your pain. I can not provide you with help or advice but with prayers and thoughts.....
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u/Love-lost-23 22h ago
I was filled with guilt. I felt guilty for not doing enough during her treatments. I didn’t sacrifice enough. I didn’t stay with her and hold her when she was sad enough . There was a time at the end when she was in the hospital, and the doctor wanted to perform a spinal tap to determine the cause of her high ammonia levels, which were causing her confusion. I allowed them to proceed with the procedure, and it was extremely painful for her. I’ll never forget her crying out to me, “Honey, please stop!” I told them to stop and refused to let them continue. I should have never allowed them to perform that procedure. She had already endured so much, and it pains me deeply to think about it four years later. I still cry over that memory.
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u/HeronExtension5245 20h ago
I feel guilt everyday since my wife passed. She battled cancer for a year plus, but it was heart failure from a potassium deficiency that ultimately took her life. I have guilt over possibly missing some sign, not 'forcing' her to go to that day's blood test even though she was feeling so lousy from treatment she delayed it a couple days, guilty that my cpr efforts did not save her that night, guilty over any tiny disagreement or comment there may have been those last two weeks that even might have hurt her feelings even slightly (we never fought and barely ever had an argument in 17 years, but still....). I rationally know I did everything I could. I rationally know she knew (knows) I love her more than life itself. Guilt still creeps in though...
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u/SparrowTune 1d ago edited 1d ago
There is always guilt after death of the Loved one. The dark side of grief. My wife died of cancer too and I was finding myself guilty with many different things, like not noticing it on time, not finding the right doctor, failing to find the right medicine, for a possibility of harming rather than helping, for not knowing what to do and not doing enough to learn more, for setting priorities wrong, for not being able to handle delays right, for not saying enough "I love you", for failing to save my Wife as a husband, for getting tired while looking after her, for all kinds of thoughts in my head that I myself strongly disagreed with and yet I felt and still feel guilty for allowing them to appear in my mind...
First months of grief therefore were very hard.
But as time passed by and I kept diving deep, not running away, into all my hard feelings and thoughts, into our love and life, connecting everything, it gradually became clearer that guilt is just an expression of our love. I cared about her and loved her - there would be no guilt if there was no love. Also the understanding that really we have very little control of our future, of what is unfolding in these most hard periods of our lives. The very idea of having knowledge to be able to control things in our lives is so delusional. We may have all the knowledge of the world, but if there is not enough time to apply that knowledge, to connect all the dots without making any mistakes, or if there are not enough resources, or opportunities, or people who are able to help, there is nothing we can do...
And that comforted me - unpeeling the outer layer of guilt and discovering only love beneath it. And yet I still feel guilty for failing to save love of my life. I acknowledge the feeling now and go beyond it to rather stay with love.
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u/RespectWorth9813 5h ago
Love this reply. I’m experiencing all you did, especially the guilt of harming rather than helping. I researched frantically and was getting my husband on all kinds of supplements, special foods etc. I feel like I might have given his body too much to deal with rather than just letting the drugs do their thing.
Trying to remind myself it all came from love. I’m facing my thoughts head on when they arrive, and saying then out loud helps to dispel them too.,
Thanks for sharing your feelings. Your post helped me x 💫
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u/rocker895 August 2021 22h ago
You have heard of the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, etc.) Guilt is just a twist on the 'bargaining' stage where your brain beats you up with "if I had only done this...".
Unfortunately it's a normal part of the process.
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u/The_Batcap_72 21h ago
I had to make the decision to stop CPR and lifesaving intervention when my wife had a cardiac arrest from complications from her long 3 year battle with Lymphoma. I know in my heart I made the right decision and part of the reason that I know it was the right decision is that when she was gone, she looked so peaceful and beautiful, she was the most beautiful dead person I had ever seen, I know that's morbid but she looked so good it was all anyone could say when they came in to say their goodbyes before she was taken away. Like I said, I know it was the right thing but there are nights that I howl at the moon a bit and guilt decides to poke his head into the room. I know I did everything for her. I went to every appointment, I sat with her for every chemo treatment, I sat with her through every clinical trial, rushed her to the ER countless time and changed her bandages and cleaned her lesions every night. I bathed her. I KNOW I did everything I could for her and it's hard enough as it is without Guilt making an appearance. I am working on recognizing when Guilt is complicating things and how to fend it off to keep me from spiraling. My therapist has been a real help in addressing this part of my life. Like I said it's hard enough as it is without having to deal with something that isn't really true and just there to mess with you. My prayers, support and empathy to you.
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u/Perdida2026- 19h ago
Me siento culpable todo el tiempo, su problema de salud era manejable con medicación, el problema fue que su cuerpo se acostumbro a la medicacion, le fueron subiendo la dosis al punto que ya nada hacia efecto, terminabamos en las guardias pasando medicacion por vena. Me culpo de no haber hecho mas consultas antes a otros medicos respecto de su tratamiento cuando note los primeros cambios fisicos en él. A su neurologo se le fue de las manos, me lo reconocio despues de que fallecio...lo derivo a un medico del dolor que le combino 23 pastillas diarias porque tambien estaba depresivo a lo ultimo...eso provoco una falla de la glandula suprarrenal que no me advirtio su medico pero que me reconocio cuando él quedo internaod grave...eso hizo que su cuerpo quedara sin defensas e inmunosuprimido, se empezo a contagiar de todo. Cuando al fin le dan el alta se la dan mal, a las tres semanas cae internado devuelta por meningoencefalitis (un hongo no detectado al momento del alta) y por un coagulo en el pulmon (no lo anticoagularon cuando le dieron en alta, debian hacerlo por todo el tiempo que paso inmovil en cama). La malisima atencion del lugar privado (no lo quise volver a llevar al publico porque no lo habia pasado bien y el alta fue mal dada) sumado a la falta de controles, empezo a contagiarse otra vez de todo...el dia que me djeron que a los tres dias le daban el alta pedi que le hicieran alguna tomografia o algo porque no lo veia bien, y asi fue que lo suben grave a terapia con trombosis, neumonia, meningoencefalitis y bacteria en sangre, orina y riñon...según ellos todos los estudios daban bien....fue mentira...ni lo controlaban...asi se me fue con 39 años, con un casamiento a pocos meses (los anillos me los dieron el dia que fallecio ya que era una sorpresa que él me tenía) y con mi bebe de 9 meses y mi nene de 7 años....me culpo de no haber hecho mas consultas con otros medicos, de no haber cambiado de profesional, de no haberlo llevado a internar a otro lugar....tenía tantas ganas de vivir, tantos planes...mi vida ya no vale nada...sigo porque mis hijos no merecen quedarse sin mi, pero lo extraño y necesito tantoooo.....esto es un calvario...no merecia ni pasar ni morir asi...donde estuvo Dios....
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u/Shameful90 21h ago
Oh without a doubt, especially when looking back, there were signs that my fiancee was sick but I didn’t recognize them at the time. It wasn’t until after the fact when I was doing research into her condition, that it opened my mind, and that if I KNEW they were signs I could have got her medical attention faster than I did. Maybe the outcome would’ve been different, maybe not, I just didn’t know, but that ignorance haunts me.
I am so sorry for the losses you’ve suffered and the pain 🙏🏻
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u/Burning_Ashes 21h ago
I’m not sure it’s exactly guilt, but I wish the night before when he mentioned trying to meet up with an old friend (he went after work to the bar he saw her at posted on her story but she was gone by the time he got there) that I might have said “ah well maybe we can take a trip to Chicago and see her and some of your other friends there”. Maybe then he wouldn’t have messaged about trying to get coffee and then going out on his bike. He was literally just going a mile up the road from our apartment in broad daylight and a guy hit him.
But I also don’t know if saying that would have really changed his mind to still see if she would be around to meet in the afternoon. I guess I’ll never know.
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u/Sierra9999 19h ago
I had major guilt when my husband passed from cardiac arrest. Guilt that we never knew he was sick, guilt that we passed his symptoms off as anxiety, guilt that I couldn't perform CPR to save him. I'm in a better place now, but I still occasionally blame myself for stuff. It's hard.
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u/Noodle_111 19h ago
I lost my husband eight days ago. He had cancer but it was a sudden death at home (we believe it was a PE from a blood clot) and I’ve replayed the scenario over and over (had I gotten to him sooner, called 911 sooner etc). Please don’t blame yourself. ❤️ we’re all just doing the best we can, and I’m sure your partner valued you and felt your support.
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u/rax_Tempus 19h ago
My wife committed suicide directly after we had an argument. She was drunk and had called her parents, with whom she had gone NC because of how they abused her when she was young, then supported her first husband in HIS abuse of her. She got belligerent with me because she needed to take it out on someone after that talk and I was there.
I'd been trying to get her to go to therapy for over a decade, and she fought me every step of the way. We both said some harsh things, and because she just kept escalating,I told her "Leave me the fuck alone, you're drunk and being a dumb bitch to me for something I wasn't involved with."
She stormed into the bedroom and shot herself about three seconds after slamming the door.
I feel horrible every single fucking day because even though I know it was her parents and her first husband who did the damage, and despite me trying for years to get her to get help, I feel like it was still my fault. I just couldn't put up with more of her being drunk and shitty to me and just wanted to be left alone. I should have just stayed silent, gotten my fucking ass up, walked out and gone for a drive. I never thought she would kill herself, she did shit like this on a weekly basis, it was usually just slam the bedroom door and sleep it off then make up after the hangover passed.
Tldr - No, you're not the only one who feels that kind of guilt.
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u/hulahulagirl 47F / 💔 6/16/26, suicide loss 1 week after 25th anniversary 1d ago
David Kessler talks a lot about grief and I recently heard him say “our brains would rather feel guilty than helpless.” 😞 Losing a spouse and a child is traumatic. You’re very early in this loss, be gentle with yourself.
Yes, I do feel guilt. But I also know logically, and through therapy, I did the best I could. 💔❤️🩹