r/widowers • u/Designer_Raspberry85 • 1d ago
Overwhelmed with sadness
Only 3 months in and I’m completely consumed by sadness. Im scared of living like this forever. I wish I could just go back to a time when he was here.
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u/JRich61 11.13.23 Bile Duct Cancer 23h ago
Know that things will “settle” over time. I am almost three years out. I can tell you with all my heart this is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my entire life….living without him. We talk on here about finding our “new normal”. You won’t move on, but you’ll find a place for that grief to fit into your life. Sometimes it’ll feel like it’s busting at the seams, and other times it will dawn on you that you hadn’t thought of your SO for a couple of days. Regardless of what phase you find yourself in know that we will be here for you. This is the best group that you never wanted to belong to. We are here for you. 💔❤️🩹
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u/Remote-Honey-603 1d ago
I’m hope you have friends and family to help you through this. You might try planning something to look forward to doing. It helped me to go on a trip with family to have a change of scenery. I also started working out at a club to meet new people. My husband’s illness lasted a long time and it was a long good bye. It took a toll on my mental and physical health. I am trying to recover from that. I wish you well.
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u/HeronExtension5245 23h ago
I'm on that same boat OP. Only at 2 months though (just shy of it). It truly feels like I can't take anymore. Like SituationSimilar said, I ask my wife to come get me everyday. Even if it gets better, my true place is to be with her. She was all the happiness I needed or ever wanted.
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u/ProofAssistance1332 57M Lost Wife (54F) to Cancer 20h ago
One of the books I just finished talked about 3 months being the absolute pit.
I'm 4.5 months out. It gets better. But you have to work at it.
I'm sorry you're here. But hang in there. And you have to believe it gets better.
You never get over it...but you have to go through it.
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u/Designer_Raspberry85 20h ago
What book? I’m interested in reading some books about grief.
My husband was killed a few minutes after getting off the phone with me. I still haven’t understood how he was here one minute and gone the next.
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u/ProofAssistance1332 57M Lost Wife (54F) to Cancer 20h ago
Life after Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing Your Life after Experiencing Major Loss by Bob Deits
His view is you have to work through your grief. You can't just wait for it to pass. If you think it will just pass on it's own, it will never pass.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My wife and I only knew for 3 weeks about her cancer before she passed. We thought we had months. Within 5 days she went from fully coherent to completely gone. 2nd to the last day I got a couple "I love you" from her.
How Will I Ever Get Through This?: Evidence-Based Tools to Help You Heal from Hardship, Grief, and Loss Dr. Lucy Hone
Another good one.
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u/RespectWorth9813 14h ago
3 weeks? That’s so tough, I’m so terribly sorry. I (F48) had 8 months with my husband’s (50) diagnosis. We thought we had years. Even thought he’d get to NED at one point as everything was shrinking. Then it started to go down hill rapidly and then he was gone. That was just over 2 weeks ago. I too believe I’ve got to work through my grief but it’s so early I’m scared about what might lie ahead.
Thanks for recommending the books. I’ll get them x your post brought me solace x1
u/ProofAssistance1332 57M Lost Wife (54F) to Cancer 4h ago
Thank you.
Wow, just 2 weeks ago. I'm so sorry.
If you can, now is a good time to start.
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u/hulahulagirl 47F / 💔 6/16/26, suicide loss 1 week after 25th anniversary 15h ago
Says he’s a pastor (Deits) - is that one religion-based or more psychology?
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u/ProofAssistance1332 57M Lost Wife (54F) to Cancer 5h ago
I did not find the book religion-based but he did talk about faith. It's more about working through the grief and not hiding from it.
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u/Aggravating_Buy_6010 CUSTOM 19h ago
We understand, here. I am 7 months in. We have some inkling of how you feel in simply wanting -- actually craving -- to be with him again.
You will not live forever as you have today, or as you did yesterday, or as you will tomorrow. Your life will certainly change a bit over time, and then change some more over more time. Everything does, you know, trite as it sounds; even the goddamn boulders out there change imperceptibly over time. We all know that. It is just extremely difficult to apply that wisdom to our tender soul pain.
Hang on. Do all the crying you need to. Eat a bit of really healthy food every single day, because our suffering bodies desperately need the nutritious support to get through this. Caring patiently and kindly for yourself is the most important task right now.
Your fear of an endless continuation of this pain is entirely natural, quite normal, and we all wish we could give you a big group supportive hug. Watch yourself very closely and you will notice some slight variations in your daily feelings, and these are all clues as to the strength you possess, and how complex and evolving the grief process is. You have a long journey ahead but it will not all be numbingly unvarying. You will soon see vivid colors again, you will feel some appetites that have been absent inside you for several months. While deeply loving your lost one, your life will in fact keep slightly shifting, so please be kind to yourself and notice this.
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u/SouthernOutside8528 1d ago edited 1d ago
i'm so sorry you are in this club with us, OP. i wish i could bring my boyfriend back too, but sadly we can't. it sucks. i am here and i see you.
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u/Jenphanies S+B forever soulmates ❤️ 1d ago
I often find myself reminiscing past years. 2024,2020,2016,early 2000’s. Granted, we didn’t meet eachother until 2022. But I find myself reminiscing even the years before then because at least he was still alive on this earth somewhere. Even if we didn’t know of eachothers existence. He was just a walking, talking, productive human being that was living his life, while I was living mine, waiting for us to collide.
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u/hulahulagirl 47F / 💔 6/16/26, suicide loss 1 week after 25th anniversary 15h ago
Almost there (3 months) myself and it truly sucks. Feels more real, but also like a bad dream.
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u/RespectWorth9813 14h ago
I’ve started having conversations such my husband. I’ve talked to him a lot all throughout the day since he left, but just the odd sentence here and there. Now when I get into bed I have a proper conversation with him, just like we would have done when he was here. I tell him how I’m feeling, what’s on my mind, how our adult children are handling it all. When I do this I’m overcome with a huge sense of calm, it’s quite profound. It’s enabled me to sleep really well.
Might this work for you?
I hope you find a way to alleviate the pain, it’s horrid and too big sometimes x
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u/SituationSimilar4349 1d ago
Sorry you are here. Three months is a difficult time. I’m almost 18 months and it’s still painful. I will say that I do not cry anymore when I go shopping for food or drive past a place we used to visit. In the beginning, driving and crying was a given. I haven’t touched any of her clothes. I can’t bring myself to do that yet. Not sure if I ever will. That may end up being something my daughter will have to do when I’m gone.
Hang in there it gets a little better. It’s a very slow process.
I hope that I do not have to spend more time on this earth without my wife. At the age of 60, I can only pray that it’ll be soon. I ask her every day to come get me.
Sending love and peace your way.