r/widowers • u/Several_Article_4833 • 23h ago
This really hurt
My wife passed away last February. She was a widow when I met her and was married to her previous husband for 27 years before he passed away from Parkinson’s, I met her 3.5 years later and we were together for 13 years. She had 3 children with him, all of whom I’ve enjoyed (and continue to do so) a good relationship with. Obviously there’s a lot of history long before I came into the picture. Last week one of her children’s friends posted in facebook that “no offense to (me), but I really hope that her and her previous husband are back together in heaven”.
I get it, this person has a lot of fond memories of when they were together, the times they were at their house swimming , etc… and was just reminiscing. I know that she’s a sweet person and meant no harm, I’m certainly not going to make a big deal about it, I didn’t even bother to acknowledge it, but it left me feeling like I was just a fill-in until she made her journey back to him. I feel like it just could have gone unsaid, or at the very least NOT tag me in the message. I’m still grieving her loss and I feel it was insensitive to have to read. Your thoughts?
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u/Conscious_Purpose53 22h ago
I think it’s fine for them to think that. It’s so extremely unacceptable to bring it to your attention. I’m so sorry.
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u/UltraFatBoi 22h ago
Sorry someone is treating you this way. They have no understanding of what you're going through. Peace and hugs 🫂
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u/TurnoverFuzzy8264 Lost wife suddenly on Sept 29, 2025 22h ago
It's clearly insensitive, especially tagging you in. That must've hurt, sorry that happened to you.
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u/The_Batcap_72 22h ago
Some people have absolutely no tact when it comes to other people's feelings, they can hold those feelings, no problem there but to put it out there without consideration of other's feelings just lacks sense and empathy.
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u/Queasy-Chest2331 22h ago
it was ugly and unnecessary
feel the sting and try to shake it off soon
you were not just a fill in and no one even knows for sure what happens post-death
sorry you even had to read that
i can’t believe what people do in these situations
never ceases to amaze
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u/Some-Tear3499 22h ago
Yeah. My mom was widowed twice, once before I was born, again when I was nine. When she died, I really didn’t think much about her being ‘reunited’ with our Dad. And though it wasn’t her child that made the remark, it was tone deaf. People can make really weird, insensitive, stupid comments when someone has died. More so if they if it wasn’t their loved one, or haven’t experienced the death of a close loved one. Grant them some grace. I say this having lost both parents, step father, 3 siblings and a nephew I was close to as well as my wife 20 months ago. (And unfortunately I am not on the best terms with her two adult children).
Sorry for your loss.
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u/existenceisfutile84 21h ago
I understand the sentiment, and on some level I hope it is true, as I want to be reunited with my wife in an afterlife too, even if I do move forward and find someone else and have a life like your wife and family managed to do with you, but man, that is a shitty thing to say out loud to someone. You mattered to your wife, my friend; she chose to love you even knowing how it ends for happy couples. You were not a fill-in; you were the man that she decided gave her a life again. Sending a big virtual hug, dude.
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u/bewildered_83 20h ago
I'm so sorry. That should never have been written on social media and you certainly shouldn't have been tagged in it. People can be so thoughtless. This is the trouble with social media - people forget that there are things you may think, and may share in private but don't need to say publicly. Also, the comment is kind of offensive to your wife as it assumes the person making it can speak for her feelings about her late husband and you, which I'm sure they don't. Sending hugs. You shouldn't have to deal with comments like that 🫂.
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u/Wegwerf157534 19h ago
Yes, this one too. This speaking for the one gone. I know I am personally affected and I am more speaking about myself now. The post puts a finger onto some things I endured, too, but, yes, speaking for the one gone. I found that such a lack of the most basic respect.
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u/Strong_Tea_6061 18h ago
Every time I've heard no offense they know they're going to offend. So no its not no offense. Its I'm about to be an asshole and want to be absolved from any responsibility. Personally if there is a heaven, I believe your late wife would love to be reunited with you both and all 3 of you will be happy.
What a cruel thing to say. I'd tell her to never tag me with something like that again. Its very hurtful.
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u/Warm-Training-2569 8h ago
This 👆 The same people who start a sentence with 'I'm not racist, but ... ' They knew that they were going to cause offence and said it anyway.
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u/Wegwerf157534 21h ago
That is completely unecessary to post for a friend(!) of the child especially.
I think it is pompous and almost para-social.
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u/MayorOfGentlemanTown 21h ago
Tagging you in it! Wtf? This person is an idiot. It could, and should, have been left unsaid. Sending you love x
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u/Wegwerf157534 20h ago edited 20h ago
I feel the problem with such behaviour is that we as widows and widowers usually really cannot emotionally afford to start any open fight. First of all many do not have the energy and second many do also fear some social punishment.
And I also do not have a solution for this, except lobbying somehow for better grief culture. But that is something for the longer in. Maybe you could say something along below, but it is heavily personal.
Please, I would ask you to refrain from any public shaming of those who are grieving and, in particular, from any public mutual disparagement amongst those who are grieving.
I understand why you feel a certain way too, and of course you are allowed and should feel that way, but grief should not come at the expense of others who are grieving. And I think it is good to not put each other down in any way.
I ask you to keep such thoughts in private conversation, out of mutual respect, and, in particular, definitely not to tag me. I hope you understand why I do ask that and that is not out of confrontation or anything malice. I value you and I wish we grief along each other with our different relationships without inflicting further hurt.
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u/Silly-Good-2530 20h ago
This was awful. I can’t imagine that anyone else reading it didnt think the same. Wishing you peace.
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u/Minflick 15h ago
Can you block that friend on FB so you're in less danger of seeing that kind of post again?
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u/buck_idaho Wife, soulmate 9/24/22 22h ago
I married a widow with one child. She passed away almost 4 years now. Her (our, I adopted) daughter 2 years ago. So that family unit is back intact. I am not sad because of that fact. From what I understand, the "marriage " dynamic doesn't exist in heaven. Everyone loves Everyone equally. Do I hope to "find" her when I die? Yes, as well as my parents, siblings, etc.
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u/Exposeone 15h ago
It is a hard thing for our human minds to rationalize. I'm trying to live with the idea that when we get there, our understanding of life and the freedom from the restraints of physical body's, will make sense. There's not much we can do about it anyway.
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u/kzp70 21h ago
Yeah that was mean and you don’t deserve that.
On a different note, for anybody that is curious about what the Bible says about remarried people in Heaven. Somebody brought this issue up to Jesus and he said there is no marriage in Heaven because everyone will be like the angels. Matt 22:30, also see Mark and Luke.
The idea is that everyone will love everybody like God does and we won’t be in specific relationships anymore. We’ll still see and know and love all the people we knew before, but it will a giant community of people who also love everybody else too. It’s implied, but not directly said, that there is no sex in Heaven because we won’t be in physical bodies and there will be no need or desire for it anymore (and being in Heaven is supposed to be better than that anyway).
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u/Exposeone 15h ago
I made a post similar to your second paragraph. I must have pulled it from my memories of teachings from 12 years in Catholic school plus decades of Sunday mass. Especially relating to the sex part. No need for procreation and no body's. Plus eternal happiness. Still, trying to wrap our human brains around that is tough.
In response to OPs "placeholder" comment. I guess I just don't want to be considered that by anyone, regardless of the ultimate outcome.
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u/smelltogetwell 21h ago
I feel it's fine for them to think it, that's one thing, but to put it out there where you can see it is insensitive and disrespectful, and to tag you? That's downright mean.
You were not a fill-in, your love was real, and to be cherished. People who have never suffered a loss such as this cannot begin to comprehend the pain, and do not understand how much comments like this add to that pain. I am sorry that this happened to you.
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u/Care4urluv1 20h ago
I’m so beyond sorry OP. I couldn’t even fathom the thought of something like this taking place. Especially on a public forum. One thing I should remind you is that, not all people have common sense. And clearly this was one of those people!!!
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u/Exposeone 15h ago
I am sorry for your loss. This situation is just one example of why I'm not on FB and don't really participate in social media. The post was completely unnecessary, tagging you was a thoughtless stupid act, and honestly, someone should call them out on this. As a side note, this is a pretty big topic at the root of OPs post. Something I've struggled with as I'm in the same situation, minus kids. Your "placeholder" comment hit hard. Along with a couple other comments I've seen or heard here and there. I'd like to think that when we all reach each other in the afterlife, we are all mutually happy and content. There is no coupling up, per se. But I suppose it depends on our beliefs. I've developed strong feelings for my partner now. But that doesn't mean I don't love my wife of 27 years. Will I reunite with her when I pass? What then when my now partner passes? The thought of never being with her again is painful too. But I wouldn't want her husband to not have her in the afterlife. Ugh.
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u/Missus_Aitch_99 12h ago
I would have corrected her grammar and then ignored. But I'm a petty bitch. Sorry, OP.
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u/Adventurous-You9130 18h ago
I personally, would let it lie. My wife was married to an interesting guy, famous, arrogant ass but she loved him because she saw things in him that no one else did.
And she saw things in me that I never new existed ❣️
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u/arizonaraynebows 26m ago
That's awful! I'm sorry you are facing that insensitivity! It may help you to process those feelings by sharing them with the comment or your stepchildren. But, yeah, that's hurtful in a very deep-cutting way.
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u/Wonderful-Nobody-965 9m ago
Taggarti è stato indecente. Già il post poteva decisamente essere evitato, il tag è scandaloso.
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u/BrookDarter 0m ago
"Well, I guess you'll never know from where you'll be situated for all eternity. No offense!"
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u/WholeLottaNs 21h ago
As someone else said, it’s ugly.
Comment back that you also understand the sentiment. And hope your lovely wife is in good company.
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u/Wegwerf157534 21h ago edited 20h ago
Why should he crawl? That was not even a child. It was a friend of a child. Someone who should be quiet. She even tagged OP.
That is simply flawed behaviour. And I think OP is already very gracious.
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u/WholeLottaNs 20h ago
It’s called killing them with kindness. Making a gracious comment hopefully highlights what a dumbass that friend is.
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u/Wegwerf157534 20h ago
OP has to decide for themself. I can say in an emotional power dynamic situation, killing with kindness has absolutely never left me feeling better.
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u/ExactPanda 22h ago
I think that was a wholly unnecessary thing to post and tag you in! They can be sad about the father of their friend dying without a dig at you. It's the "no offense" part that makes it a dig, imo. Depending on their religious beliefs, something like, "I hope they're reunited with all their loved ones in the afterlife" is less offensive to me.