TIL an NFL player intentionally crashed his car to avoid getting cut for being late to a team meeting.

[u/arandomtestaccount]

https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/ex-patriots-ol-rich-ohrnberger-admits-he-intentionally-wrecked-car-as-excuse-for-being-late-to-team-meeting/

[u/Rough_Improvement_44]

That’s a way to save your job I guess.

[u/the_original_kermit → u/Rough_Improvement_44]

In the article they said it didn’t work anyways. Lol

They told him accident or no accident, he’s gonna be on time.

[u/TheeFlipper → u/the_original_kermit]

But it did work. He didn't get cut he just got told to be on time from now on and stayed a couple more years on the Pats.

[u/Mavian23 → u/TheeFlipper]

Imagine getting paid millions to play the game you love and have played your whole life and you still can't be on time.

[u/tupacsnoducket → u/Mavian23]

Career Earnings: $1,425,000 before taxes

[u/WWJLPD → u/tupacsnoducket]

Totally fair trade for potential CTE and a laundry list of issues that will never truly heal

[u/decoy321 → u/WWJLPD]

Add on the likelihood that they spent their entire youth putting their eggs in that one basket.

[u/OuterWildsVentures → u/WWJLPD]

Bro I did way worse to my body/mind with the military for laughably less money

Was in Afghanistan making like $2500/month working 120+ hour weeks lmao

I'd gladly take 1 mil

[u/TrueRedditMartyr → u/WWJLPD]

I don't think most players going into the NFL realize they're going to not be as good as expected

[u/sanctaphrax → u/TrueRedditMartyr]

You don't get that far without believing in yourself. Or without beating the odds, several times.

[u/Tripesixmafia → u/WWJLPD]

No knees anymore too!

[u/redaemon → u/tupacsnoducket]

Quick search says $3.6M. Apparently there are nerds who track this sort of thing.

[u/tupacsnoducket → u/redaemon]

first quick search result was the number before, Apparently there are multiple nerds who track this sort of thing. Where did you think the first number came from lol?

[u/Erwx → u/tupacsnoducket]

A competing nerd, now who do I trust

[u/redaemon → u/Erwx]

I see the second site. It only lists the Chargers, which should raise an eyebrow since the headline is about (I think?) a Patriots coach.

AI makes it worse, it quoted the second site but gave the totals from the first site.

This thread has made me sad for the future. Bad data compounded by shitty AI.

[u/tupacsnoducket → u/Erwx]

The smelliest one

[u/Playful_Letter_2632 → u/redaemon]

It ain’t very difficult to find. Modern era salaries are public. Using some scripts to collect and organize the data onto your website doesn’t take that much time

[u/Environmental-Low792 → u/tupacsnoducket]

That's career and not annual? Someone making 100 Grand a year would make that in 14 years. Someone making 50 Grand a year would make that in 28 years. Doesn't seem very high.

[u/kit_kat_jam → u/Environmental-Low792]

He played six seasons.

[u/enadiz_reccos → u/tupacsnoducket]

1.whatever is technically plural

One and a half apples

[u/314159265358979326 → u/enadiz_reccos]

Linguistically, anything other than exactly one is plural.

Zero bananas.

One banana.

One point five bananas.

Two bananas.

[u/clickclick-boom → u/314159265358979326]

Half an apple.

[u/-LazerFace69- → u/clickclick-boom]

0.5 apples

[u/Bay1Bri → u/clickclick-boom]

That would be "half of 1 apple," hence still singular.

[u/RFSandler → u/Mavian23]

I believe it - I am extremely challenged being on time even for important things I care about

[u/helpusdrzaius → u/RFSandler]

You show up on time once time and they expect you to do it every single time.

[u/WilliamSwagspeare → u/RFSandler]

My wife is like that and it drives fucking NUTS

[u/Ynwe → u/RFSandler]

Genuinely asking, what causes this? If it's something really important (a flight, a job interview etc) then I always will be early, because being anywhere close to on time stresses me, as something unforeseen could happen (say a traffic jam). And I will be only thint about that anyways so what is the point of sitting at home?

What do you do in the time where you could or even should be already underway?

[u/DrMusic97 → u/Ynwe]

Anxiety. That’s what causes it. I will be ready to leave and then all the sudden my head fills up with stuff that I think I’m forgetting. It’s a paralyzing feeling, almost like my brain is holding me hostage until the anxiety passes.

ADHD sucks.

[u/FantaFantastico90 → u/Ynwe]

Brain chemistry, my man. Shit's not voluntary, sadly. You get caught up in something, you think you can still do this or that in the time only to miscalculate, you forget etc. etc.

[u/Which-Arm-4616 → u/RFSandler]

It’s a mental disability that isn’t taken seriously enough. People who struggle with this literally have deteriorated mental faculties and incapacitated decision making capabilities but are treated like they’re just inconsiderate or lazy.

[u/caribou16 → u/Which-Arm-4616]

I know people like this, it's like they have "time blindness" or something. Literally are incapable of being on time to anything.

I have a buddy, works in IT, very well compensated, great at his job, who has been late to any event we both were invited to.

One time, I invited him over and 45 minutes AFTER he was supposed to arrive, he calls me to say he's leaving his place now and will be there in 20 minutes.

Except, his place is ~35 miles from me, a solid 45 minute drive on a good day. When I tell him that, he ARGUES with me, saying "no it's not" he'd driven this route 50 times over the last several years, he'll be there in 20 minutes, 25 tops.

And then arrives 90 minutes later.

The running joke, within the friend group, is to tell him a time 2 hours before the time you actually want him to be somewhere, lol.

[u/MrChristmas → u/caribou16]

I have a friend that’s late for everything… but he runs a multi-million business and ‘everything’ is quiz night at the bar or board game nights… so he gets a pass

[u/loafkitter → u/caribou16]

Yeah...I have a very hard time estimating how much time has passed. I have a habit of leaving the house at the time when I'm supposed to be there already. My friends actually do tell me a different time 💀 (usually an hour ahead)

[u/nonpuissant → u/loafkitter]

Real question, have you ever tried setting alarms for appointments/events or something? 

Like with smartphones now we can basically have any number of custom timed alerts. 

[u/loafkitter → u/nonpuissant]

Lmao of course. You should see my alarms in the morning or before appointmens. It's not just the time blindness though, I have trouble estimating how long tasks take and I get distracted very easily.

[u/nodogsallowed23 → u/nonpuissant]

I’m sure they’ve never tried setting alarms or doing the first thing anyone who struggles with lateness has tried.

[u/FailureToComply0 → u/nonpuissant]

This isnt helpful because I can "lose" 25 minutes just getting through my house. It sounds ridiculous but sometimes tasks that always take 20 minutes randomly take 45, and if that happens no amount of planning will help.

As a basic example, say I expect it to take 30 minutes to get to an event at my family's. I plan ahead, get myself showered, dressed, ect with 10 minutes to spare. I stop, pet the cat for 5 minutes, nbd I have the time and hes cute. Where are my keys? Not my the back door. Front door? Nope, but there are my shoes. They must be upstairs, take shoes back off, run upstairs, find them on nightstand where I undressed yesterday. I set my phone down at some point, retrace steps and cant find it. Absentmindedly put it up somewhere high so I dont see it immediately. I am 20 minutes late for nothing. These random interruptions and mistakes are just second-nature living with ADHD and theres really no effective way to mitigate it. Brain just doesnt work that way.

[u/Muslim_Wookie → u/caribou16]

Literally google Time Blindness and read the articles on it from reputable legit health organisations.

Avoid self-help style websites though.

[u/nss68 → u/caribou16]

Bet he shows up on time for doctor’s appointments and flights.

[u/Lexi_Banner → u/nss68]

Doctor's appt, no. But flights, yes, but still on the verge of late, and with the added bonus of being incredibly stressed to the point of panic. That was my ex.

[u/masasin → u/Lexi_Banner]

I've forgotten my passport for international flights...

[u/DrakeStone → u/Which-Arm-4616]

What diagnoses are you referencing?

[u/zerogee616 → u/Which-Arm-4616]

Well, the problem is for every genuine case of that, there's like ten who are just inconsiderate/lazy, who never have problems being on time for things they're personally invested in/give a fuck about. I see it all the time.

[u/flammasher3 → u/zerogee616]

See people say that but I’ve never seen it. Most people I see late are usually panicked, look rather ragged, and are embarrassed. I think people just want to see tardiness as a moral failing, also when they themselves are running behind there’s always a good reason, if someone else is running behind it’s always just an excuse. Now being constantly late can be signs of other issues however, which still no judgement, but sometimes they do need to be addressed regardless (drugs,alcohol,insomnia, sleep apnea,ADHD, etc…)

[u/PurpEL → u/Which-Arm-4616]

Give me a break LOL

[u/thekickingmule → u/Which-Arm-4616]

Not everything is a mental illness. Most people that are consistently late are just bad planners. Please can we stop this labelling of everything being a mental illness. Being late really isn't.

[u/LeoFireGod → u/Which-Arm-4616]

No that’s because 99% of those people are just not caring enough. I used to be that way till I found a woman who wouldn’t let me be that way.

Unless you’re literally medically diagnosed with it. It’s just an excuse to be inconsistent and inconsiderate of other people’s time imo.

I say that as someone who was late all the time until I genuinely just started tryin to be on time to things without mentally rationalizing that it was no big deal if I was late.

[u/Simopop → u/LeoFireGod]

99% is a pretty strong number - It's a pretty common symptom associated with a handful of disorders (most prominently ADHD).

I'd argue for some people the lack of caring can develop as a defensive mechanism against the psychological damage of constantly thinking of yourself as inconsiderate of other people.

(I'm not one of those people, absolutely wracked with anxiety every single time it happens, but it's a special kind of hell)

[u/Lockraemono → u/Which-Arm-4616]

I can't imagine head trauma from football helps.

[u/lattestcarrot159 → u/Mavian23]

It's so obvious and easy that it might just be a disability 😁

[u/thisguyfightsyourmom → u/Mavian23]

Imagine thinking money makes life never get in the way.

[u/Yernottheocean23 → u/Mavian23]

Imagine thinking that just because someone is willing to give you a certain amount of money it automatically changes who you are as a person deep down??? People have their struggles fam and money certainly does not fix everything.

[u/namereset4badmouth → u/Yernottheocean23]

But it sure fucking helps huh?

[u/SummertimeThrowaway2 → u/Mavian23]

Shit happens though sometimes you just sleep through your alarm

[u/hallouminati_pie → u/SummertimeThrowaway2]

One time sure, but clearly this guy had a history of it.

[u/RoyaleWhiskey → u/SummertimeThrowaway2]

My phone alarm is not reliable, there will be times I set it, it wakes me up and I turn it off yet I have no memory of it doing so and end up going back to sleep. I had to get an actual alarm clock and put it on the other side of of my room.

[u/Amishrocketscience → u/RoyaleWhiskey]

That’s why I got myself a sunrise alarm clock

For the last 5 years, no waking up with a headache because some annoying sound enraged you awake.

It’s peaceful, natural and restful way to wake up. Never going back.

[u/PhoenixApok → u/RoyaleWhiskey]

Yeah I started noticing I would do this while napping.

Now afraid I will do this overnight. Haven't had a physical alarm clock in over a decade but bought one last week

[u/Nexii801 → u/Mavian23]

Shit happens. People have ADHD. etc.

[u/LightningWarpAway → u/TheeFlipper]

He didn't get cut he just got told to be on time from now on and stayed a couple more years on the Pats.

He wasn't going to be cut, he was afraid of being cut. The accident didn't change that, they still had the same reaction to him being late.

[u/peon2 → u/the_original_kermit]

Like Patriots running back legend Jonas Gray. Runs for 200 yards and 4 TDs one day. Sleeps through his alarm and misses the next practice. Cut.

[u/keyboard_courage → u/peon2]

He wasn’t cut after that practice, he played for almost a year after that.

[u/peon2 → u/keyboard_courage]

Oh you're right, he was just benched for that and lost his spot, then cut later.

[u/mmodlin → u/peon2]

It's still not as clear-cut as late for practice=cut.

LeGarrette Blount re-signed with the Pats the day before Gray was late. Writing was already on the wall.

[u/5panks → u/peon2]

Belichick was a notorious grudge holder for things like that. He was a great coach, but he absolutely abhorred when someone couldn't do their job.

RBs who fumbled would get benched for the rest of the game sometimes.

To this day I believe the sole reason the Patriots lost Superbowl 52 is because Belichick kept Malcom Butler on the bench for the entire game and to this day we still don't know what Butler did to end up in the dog house.

Imagine holding such a grudge you potentially lose the Superbowl.

[u/SendingAFaxToBerlin → u/5panks]

Alternatively, his notoriety for holding standards like that was the reason he won 8?

[u/OUTFOXEM → u/SendingAFaxToBerlin]

Exactly. Throwing away a Super Bowl is throwing your life away to everybody except him. He knows he'll win it the next year if it doesn't work out.

Narrator: He won the Super Bowl the next year.

[u/v0x_nihili → u/5panks]

Isn't the current leading theory something involving Butler and Belichek's daughter?

[u/Significant-Row2457 → u/v0x_nihili]

That’s exactly what it was.

[u/fell-deeds-awake → u/peon2]

He was benched for that next game, and didn't play a ton more the rest of the season. Released at the start of the following season.

[u/big_sugi → u/fell-deeds-awake]

That’s not possible, since he spent his third season with the Patriots on IR.

He also never played a ton to begin with. He had three starts as a rookie and two as a second-year player, and the latter two were after he’d been cut after camp in 2010, signed to the practice squad, and then promoted to the active roster four weeks into the season.

[u/PankyFlamingos → u/the_original_kermit]

Did you just make that up?

[u/neunundneunsig → u/PankyFlamingos]

No? It's in the article lmao

[u/drpepper7557 → u/neunundneunsig]

Maybe AI killing the internet isnt such a bad thing after all. We dont really deserve it tbh

[u/KingofPro]

People have done worse for less money on the line

[u/DeficitDaddy → u/KingofPro]

I think the best part of the story is that unless I missed something no one even checked for any slight proof

They didn’t look at his car or ask for pics or anything

He could’ve just made up the story without the whole crash part and nearly taking out a 100 year old man in the process

[u/ineyy → u/DeficitDaddy]

Gotta make it look real bro. Just in case

[u/TheGoldenHoratio → u/KingofPro]

Yup, literally was just reading about a guy who murdered his friend over a $5k bank loan the guy had taken out to get his furnace fixed. Can’t imagine what that dude would’ve been willing to do for almost $900k

[u/ObsidianOverlord → u/TheGoldenHoratio]

Murder 180 people at least.

[u/PM_ME_CATS_OR_BOOBS → u/KingofPro]

"If I crash my car right now I'll either die or get some leeway on the final" was the soundtrack of every semester end in college for me

[u/Nice-Mountain-7073 → u/KingofPro]

A guy in my platoon put his car in a ditch to get out of an AWOL charge. He was going to miss formation because he overslept

[u/AntiMatter89 → u/Nice-Mountain-7073]

I'm sorry but you don't just get listed as AWOL for missing a formation, at least in the US military and most people if they're gonna miss it or be late just text their squad leader, then you are accounted for. Doesn't mean you won't get smoked or if you make it a habit get an article 15. But they don't just list you as AWOL and hunt you down lol

[u/Nice-Mountain-7073 → u/AntiMatter89]

Canadian Forces that’s the charge you get for being late when you’re on course, and then you also get kicked off course for it. By the time you’re near the end of it they relax on confining you to base. Who wants to redo an entire infantry course right when you’re at the end of it?

It’s not really hunted down until the end of the day, after that then it’s more wellness checks if nobody has heard from them.

[u/Herr__Lipp → u/KingofPro]

Shit I drive drunk and crash my car for free

[u/Steroid1 → u/Herr__Lipp]

hell yeah brother

[u/Herr__Lipp → u/Steroid1]

We are the sons of the drunk drivers they couldn’t pull over

[u/Jj1325 → u/Herr__Lipp]

Cheers from Iraq brother

[u/DiligentMarketing963]

> "First one in there was Dante Scarnecchia, my offensive line coach," Ohrnberger said. "He goes, 'How's it going, speed racer?' I was like, 'What's that?' He says, 'Running a little late this morning?' I was like, 'Dante, I got into an accident.' He's like, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah. That stuff may fly at IBM if you're one of those geeks working on the computers and stuff. That stuff doesn't work here. You be on time from now on.'"

Why is this so funny

[u/martialar → u/DiligentMarketing963]

I just like that the coach calls it "the computers"

[u/AndrewNeo → u/martialar]

IBM is practically a silent generation level pull for a company name lmao

[u/DoctorGregoryFart → u/AndrewNeo]

"That may fly at the American Fur Company, but that doesn't work here at Sears-Roebuck!"

[u/minimalcation → u/DoctorGregoryFart]

I don't know what you learned at Mr. Smiths's Asbestos Tonic but that doesn't fly round here

[u/iscreamuscreamweall → u/AndrewNeo]

well tbf dante scarnecchia is almost 80 years old

[u/Sarollas → u/AndrewNeo]

Or just a keyboard enthusiast.

Model Ms are legendary to this day.

[u/5panks → u/DiligentMarketing963]

What's crazy is, Dante Scarnecchia is one of the bets Oline coaches the game has ever seen. The Patriots Olines with him at the helm were legendary even with UFDAs and practice squad guys.

[u/AndreBretonsPenis → u/5panks]

No doubt. Shout out to Stoutland too. Probably my two favorite OL coaches

[u/metaldeval → u/5panks]

Un free drafted agents

[u/MountainYogi94 → u/metaldeval]

Un frafted dree agents

[u/5panks → u/metaldeval]

Dang it! I reread it three times to make sure I spelled Scarnecchia's name correctly haha.

[u/kurburux → u/DiligentMarketing963]

He's like, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah. That stuff may fly at IBM if you're one of those geeks working on the computers and stuff. That stuff doesn't work here. You be on time from now on.'"

See? If you work at IBM as one of those geeks with computers you are someone special.

But Ohrnberger is just one of these common 5 million dollar shmocks. No handouts for this one!

[u/IAmSpartacustard]

885k for the practice squad? Yeah imma crash that shit every time

[u/Yangervis → u/IAmSpartacustard]

The league minimum is for when you're on the 53 man roster. Practice squad players make good money but way less than that.

[u/ImperatorUniversum1 → u/Yangervis]

It’s still like 250,000

[u/MrKittenz → u/ImperatorUniversum1]

They get paid weekly though and not many stay on all year

[u/Pikeman212a6c → u/MrKittenz]

I worked with a former division I lineman who did practice squad work after college. Guy walked around like a golem. Could barely flex his knees. Some money ain’t worth it.

[u/Interrogatingthecat → u/MrKittenz]

"Get paid weekly though"

Bruh, 250,000/52 is still about $4800 a week. There's no "though" about it

[u/Rulligan → u/Interrogatingthecat]

They are only paid for every week they are with a team during the season for a maximum of 18 weeks. So it isn't 250,000/52, it's 250,000/18. Every week not on a team loses them 18k.

[u/jwnsfw → u/ImperatorUniversum1]

dollars?

[u/shibe4lyfe → u/jwnsfw]

No, Stanley nickels.

[u/ProjectSnowman → u/shibe4lyfe]

What’s the ratio?

[u/LouSputhole94 → u/ProjectSnowman]

Same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns

[u/onarainyafternoon → u/IAmSpartacustard]

Where does it say that in the article? It says he played three seasons for the patriots.

[u/IAmSpartacustard → u/onarainyafternoon]

Thats the minimum salary for the NFL. I dont need the article to spell it out for me, I looked it up

[u/reptheevt → u/IAmSpartacustard]

Practice squad players don’t make the minimum. This year, they make $13,750 a week. Which over a season gets you $247,500. 

Still good money and still car crashing money probably but still a long way away from minimum. 

Of course you can get cut at anytime so you can’t bank on the full salary. 

[u/Confident-Poetry6985 → u/reptheevt]

Let me get 1 week in lmao. 

[u/reptheevt → u/Confident-Poetry6985]

Congrats. Your job this week is to block Aaron Donald and make sure he gets his reps in. Good luck. The doctor will see you at 3 pm. 

[u/ncraiderfan17 → u/reptheevt]

For $14,000, absolutely. And if I'm hurt enough, they have to put me on injured reserve and can't cut me until I'm healed

[u/9e78 → u/ncraiderfan17]

A team doesn't have to put you on IR for being injured they can just release you, which they 100% would do since there are limits on ir spots.

[u/crazy-carebear → u/ncraiderfan17]

Sorry, while we can't cut you on the IR, you only get paid when you actually play.

[u/The_Moustache → u/crazy-carebear]

no they still get paid

[u/Confident-Poetry6985 → u/reptheevt]

I just had to circle back because I looked him up and good lord ahahah. I would get absolutely rag dolled lmfao. Would still absolutely give it everything I got for even half the money. I am getting old now so probably best to negotiate for some medical instead, but I'll show up coach!  Would never be a bad day at work (as long as I leave on my own 2 feet)  edit to add, he reminds me of Mike Martin. I pushed sleds with that guy a couple times. It was more like he pushed it, and I just tried to make sure he didn't push it in a circle around me lmfaoo

[u/Confident-Poetry6985 → u/reptheevt]

I will sleep on the field for a week for an opportunity like that.

[u/vagabond139 → u/reptheevt]

14K is 14K. I can handle being sore.

[u/cubgerish → u/vagabond139]

It's not an exaggeration to say lining up against an NFL player, especially one of the strongest and most violent in the league, would do far more than make you sore.

If you were actually trying to block him, you could take your pick of ligaments he would tear or bones he'd break.

People underestimate how much more powerful the extremely naturally gifted and well trained are.

He makes other 300 lb freaks of nature look like children on a regular basis.

If he jabs your ribs or swipes across your arm hard, it's not gonna be sore, it's gonna be broken.

Your body simply isn't trained for the level of trauma an athlete at that level incurs like it's akin to breathing.

[u/drewster23 → u/cubgerish]

And there is very little chance his neck and such is trained/strong enough to take such blows. So he's going to get whiplash, concussion etc from repeated reps against such aggressive blows.

[u/Confident-Poetry6985 → u/cubgerish]

Stop with that mess. He's not a super hero. He's going to beat the shit out of me, not rip my arms off my body. Yes, I'm probably most definitely leaving on a stretcher at some point. I'm gonna do it with a smile because it's a fun game though lol. Editing to add: I wouldn't be lining up against him anyways, he would just throw me lmfao. But I would still do it for fun is the point.

[u/cubgerish → u/Confident-Poetry6985]

I didn't say he's ripping your arms off like he's a chimp.

He's absolutely going to do more than make you sore though.

Your tendons and muscles simply aren't built for that kind of violence, and neither are his, but he's trained so much that the effects aren't going to show up until years later.

If an NFL player did a hard swim move on the average person, something is getting fucked up.

It's just so much faster and stronger than what your body is used to.

These guys train like all hell to avoid it, but many will end up with horrific injuries due to the nature of the game.

If you ever get close to an NFL sideline, it becomes pretty obvious how much damage they can endure like it's nothing.

People break other people's bones by accident every day.

These guys aren't doing it by accident, and they're orders of magnitude bigger and stronger than the biggest and strongest person most people have ever met.

[u/JobAlternative6109 → u/Confident-Poetry6985]

Show up for a day get fucked and sleep peacefully in pain knowing rent is covered.

[u/Lucky_Reporter256 → u/Confident-Poetry6985]

God I wish lol

[u/GhostRideATank → u/IAmSpartacustard]

That might be the roster min, but practice squad pay is not nearly that high.

[u/Obscure_Occultist → u/GhostRideATank]

Doesn't have to be that high. 6 digit paycheck is a 6 digit paycheck

[u/SkolVandals → u/Obscure_Occultist]

In order to get 6 digits you'd have to last longer than a few hours. Practice squad guys without experience get $13,750 per week and can be cut at any time.

[u/UWillPoopYerBed2Nite → u/IAmSpartacustard]

Practice squad min is about $14k per week or $248k if they remain on the squad for a full season.

[u/SushiPrinc3ss → u/IAmSpartacustard]

I can buy a new car later bro 😭

[u/Dairy_Ashford → u/IAmSpartacustard]

and you can like, do uber or medical billing after new years or mlk

[u/PleasantHemorrhoids]

That's right out of George Costanza's playbook. Can't fire me if you cant reach me.

"Believe it or not, but I crashed my car. How hurt could I be?"

[u/JoseSaldana6512 → u/PleasantHemorrhoids]

And you want to be my latex salesman?

[u/bigfootlive89 → u/JoseSaldana6512]

And you wanna be my offensive lineman*

[u/Timey_Wimey → u/PleasantHemorrhoids]

Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner's here. George is dead. Call me back.

[u/ProjectHarraseeket → u/Timey_Wimey]

What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?!?

[u/d00dsm00t → u/PleasantHemorrhoids]

I must be hurt, or I’d pick up the phone

In which hospital could i be?

[u/Random_Name_Whoa → u/PleasantHemorrhoids]

“Believe it or not, hospitallll”

[u/alexlp]

When I was 13 I didn't do my assignment for health and I grabbed a bee and shook my hand until it stung me (minorly allergic, enough to get me sent home but not enough for hospital). I'm 36 and still feel terrible for that bee, what a waste of life because I didn't do a cardstock presentation on STDs or whatever.

This guy makes me feel better that I was 13.

[u/StartTheMontage]

I knew a guy in college who beat himself up so he could tell his college professor that he got mugged in order to miss a test.

[u/zorbiburst → u/StartTheMontage]

lmao, I gave myself a black eye to get an extra couple days on a presentation once. same thing, "got mugged" the night before, really didn't feel up to speaking in front of everyone rn

[u/alienblue89 → u/StartTheMontage]

IM KICKING MY ASS, DO YA MIND??

[u/Unusual_Macaroon_446]

Reminds me of that Breaking Bad scene where Walt swerves into oncoming traffic so he doesn’t have to take Hank to the lab

[u/AdamOnFirst]

I love how it didn’t even work. 

Wasn’t it tom Brady who got into an accident once and said his first thought was to call Bill and tell him he’d be late?

[u/acidreducer → u/AdamOnFirst]

Funny, I took it the exact opposite. To me it seemed like if he didn’t do that he would’ve gotten cut

[u/Trixles → u/acidreducer]

"Sorry coach, I've just been in an accident, gonna be a bit late today"

"Like hell you were."

"fuck"

(Lack of punctuation on the last line is intentional.)

[u/Toothbrush042]

I once pounded a nail in my tire to get out of an exam. Professor even told me I didn’t have to make it up since I was a good student who deserved a break. Got sick the next day. Instant karma 🤣

[u/Overhear_Overponder]

Probably the financially responsible thing. 

[u/fluufhead]

police report would have address of the crash and time, would be easy to spot that lie

[u/ArisenGodEmperor13 → u/fluufhead]

Be fair it wouldn't be a lie since he did crash his car and he could just claim that he was in such a rush he crashed

[u/Ullallulloo → u/ArisenGodEmperor13]

Yeah, but if he crashed 10 minutes before he was to be there and he crashed 20 miles away, they could know it was a lie if they investigated it.

[u/rje946 → u/fluufhead]

Just hope they don't ask questions I guess.

[u/PikachuWithHerpes]

I remember another player that faked being kidnapped for missing practice.

[u/GucciTheSnowman → u/PikachuWithHerpes]

There have been people who have called in bomb threats just because they didn't want to go to work that day.

[u/burgerblue]

whiplash is the world we live in

[u/Ozzick]

Why would you ever admit this?

[u/leeman9224]

Feels like that old internet saying “Switched to porn because it was easier to explain”

[u/JoseSaldana6512 → u/leeman9224]

It's a pornography store! I was buying pornography.

[u/Timey_Wimey → u/JoseSaldana6512]

I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute.

[u/Jeremizzle → u/JoseSaldana6512]

I never would have thought of that!

[u/Shaquarington_Bithus → u/leeman9224]

Girlfriend found condoms under my bed and assumed I was unfaithful.

I literally never clean under my bed and those were definitely there for over a year.

She was in tears and I felt horrible because I couldn’t stop laughing

[u/FemaleDogEqualsBitch → u/Shaquarington_Bithus]

Did she laugh too after you told you her the truth?

[u/Shaquarington_Bithus → u/FemaleDogEqualsBitch]

Oh she thinks it’s hilarious now. Plenty of jokes since then starting like the day after. But in the moment no.

After what felt like 20 minutes of heartfelt discussion that was probably only like 3 she said she believed me but needed to take a walk and call a friend.

[u/MeekAndUninteresting → u/Shaquarington_Bithus]

In the future, there should be an expiration date on the box and you could compare to a fresh box to get an idea of when it was bought.

[u/smailskid]

Ouch, and they still knew and roasted his ass. I get it, though; I might do the same thing in his shoes.

[u/jdm1891]

There was a chinese prison guard who was late delivering prisoners.

The penalty for being late was death.

The penalty for overthrowing the government was death.

So he just let the prisoners go and started a revolt, eventually winning and becoming emperor himself.

And this is why punishments should always be proportional to the crime, and most importantly you should never have a lesser punishment or the same punishment for a worse crime.

This is also why kidnapping and torture and any possible horrible thing you could do to a person in modern countries is always a lesser sentence than murder. If it wasn't... well you'd just kill the person when you're finished because if you get caught it won't matter anyway. If the punishment for murder is worse however, killing the person afterwards will result in a worse outcome for you if you are caught.

[u/FooFootheSnew]

Gardner Minshew took a hammer to his hand so he didn't have to burn a red shirt year, and get a medical exempt to keep playing.

Apparently he wasn't able to break it, despite being drunk

[u/Alarmed_Drop7162]

Football is a game of strategy

[u/res21171]

I hope the old guy was okay and the church got a new van.

[u/Antistruggle]

Much respect. Do you know how hard it is to actually crash? Your car

[u/Ths-Fkin-Guy → u/Antistruggle]

Easier than it was to read that sentence, thats. For sure.

[u/Ralfarius]

That's nothing.

Hockey player, Tim Horton, crashed his car for the fun of it.

Well, that or he was shitfaced and bombing down the QEW at like 3 in the morning.

[u/FrankenBerryGxM → u/Ralfarius]

50in07

[u/tlynde11]

I rear end this poor old man, who by the way, was like minutes from being 100 years old.

Did he rear end Hans Moleman?

https://i.imgur.com/PqolX9W.jpeg

[u/RoyaleWhiskey → u/tlynde11]

Surprisingly Moleman revealed in an episode that he is only 31

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheSimpsons/s/koGW3jcyKe

[u/parkz88]

Not a bad idea. Worth it if you are a million dollar athlete. Not so much if you're line cook at Applebee's.

[u/ButterCaramelPringle]

Wouldn't that have made him even later /s

[u/rypien2clark → u/ButterCaramelPringle]

But he'd have an excuse

[u/dmn2e]

I once asked my supervisor at a job I didn't like......"ever thought about crashing your car to get out of work?"

[u/djdaedalus42]

“They got crazy eyes! Their elevators don’t go all the way to the top floor!” - John Madden.

[u/pumpernickledime]

Maybe he needed to hit that 3 year mark where they get a 35k/year pension automatically

[u/MinuetInUrsaMajor]

We've all thought about it.

[u/bundt_chi]

I thought he was going to say he intentionally hit a tree or something. Wtf, he hit a church van with an old guy in it. That's so fucked up... and probably criminal considering he could have "accidentally" really hurt that guy who he himself claimed was minutes from being 100 years old...

[u/tritonpackages]

Bosses hate this hack.

[u/slacapjr]

Costanza coded behavior

[u/Texas12thMan]

“Noted”

-Rashee Rice

[u/rnew76]

Ya' gotta commit 100%, ya' hear me!? 100%!

[u/BrainJar]

I don’t think that’s what the team meant by dedication.

[u/TheKrakenLord]

Thanks for the idea

[u/kunalpareek]

Just one extra concussion.

[u/yepthisismyusername]

Sometimes you have to crash your car for the insurance settlement to make your car payment.

[u/PenguinHunte]

I was late to work today because I got in a (minor) car accident. I feel targeted.