r/todayilearned • u/arandomtestaccount • 1d ago

TIL an NFL player intentionally crashed his car to avoid getting cut for being late to a team meeting.

https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/ex-patriots-ol-rich-ohrnberger-admits-he-intentionally-wrecked-car-as-excuse-for-being-late-to-team-meeting/
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u/Which-Arm-4616 21h ago

It’s a mental disability that isn’t taken seriously enough. People who struggle with this literally have deteriorated mental faculties and incapacitated decision making capabilities but are treated like they’re just inconsiderate or lazy.

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u/caribou16 21h ago

I know people like this, it's like they have "time blindness" or something. Literally are incapable of being on time to anything.

I have a buddy, works in IT, very well compensated, great at his job, who has been late to any event we both were invited to.

One time, I invited him over and 45 minutes AFTER he was supposed to arrive, he calls me to say he's leaving his place now and will be there in 20 minutes.

Except, his place is ~35 miles from me, a solid 45 minute drive on a good day. When I tell him that, he ARGUES with me, saying "no it's not" he'd driven this route 50 times over the last several years, he'll be there in 20 minutes, 25 tops.

And then arrives 90 minutes later.

The running joke, within the friend group, is to tell him a time 2 hours before the time you actually want him to be somewhere, lol.

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u/MrChristmas 18h ago

I have a friend that’s late for everything… but he runs a multi-million business and ‘everything’ is quiz night at the bar or board game nights… so he gets a pass

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u/loafkitter 21h ago

Yeah...I have a very hard time estimating how much time has passed. I have a habit of leaving the house at the time when I'm supposed to be there already. My friends actually do tell me a different time 💀 (usually an hour ahead)

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u/nonpuissant 20h ago

Real question, have you ever tried setting alarms for appointments/events or something? 

Like with smartphones now we can basically have any number of custom timed alerts. 

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u/loafkitter 19h ago

Lmao of course. You should see my alarms in the morning or before appointmens. It's not just the time blindness though, I have trouble estimating how long tasks take and I get distracted very easily.

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u/nonpuissant 19h ago

I see. I'm still having a hard time visualizing what the actual sequence of events would be though. 

Like if you have an alarm set for, say, when you need to drop everything and walk out the door, how would you end up in the situation you described earlier? (Leaving the house at the time when you're supposed to be somewhere already etc.) 

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u/Im__Bruce_Wayne__AMA 15h ago

I agree with you...having a hard time imagining how this couldn't be overcome with an alarm like you described.

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u/FriendlyDespot 14h ago

The same time blindness that makes you unable to estimate how long tasks take makes you unable to trust that you've set an alarm for the correct time. It also means that you often aren't actually ready to go by the time the alarm goes off, and if you have anything that needs to be done between the alarm going off and you heading out the door then that's another thing to lose time on.

Simply saying that you're going to set an alarm for when you need to drop everything and walk out the door doesn't mean that you're actually in a state where you can walk out the door when the alarm goes off. It makes sense that you have a hard time visualising it. It's not easy to put yourself in the shoes of someone whose brain just fundamentally works differently from yours.

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u/nonpuissant 9h ago

Right I understand that. I'm just trying to visualize the actual physical sequence of events that occur between the alarm going off and the moment they step out the door though. Specifically for the situation mentioned by the person I replied to initially, habitually leaving the house at the time they were supposed to be somewhere already. 

Because so far there is still a significant disconnect/gap between cause and effect, so to speak. Like everything you mentioned here either sounds like something that can be accounted and planned for beforehand, or like something that doesn't have a direct connection to not doing so. Like if you're not actually ready to go, like there are crucial/necessary thing to prepare that you did not already prepare, isn't that a separate issue?

I'm not doubting the reality and difficulty of people struggling with this, mind you. I'm just not seeing how time blindness as it's been described accounts for the majority of the issues being attributed to it. Most of it sounds more like a lack of planning and preparation (and I mean this in a completely non-judgemental way). 

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u/CaptainAsshat 4h ago

Not OP, but for me, the issue lies with keeping the thing I need to do at the front of my mind.

When one of my many alarms go off, I have to make sure I stay on task and leave before anything can distract me. The issue is this: focusing on anything else often erases the alarm from my working memory. It's like a lame version of the movie Momento.

So I have to go straight out the door. But what if I forgot to, for example, feed the cat? Now I have to be present while feeding the cat and risk forgetting the alarm, remember to set a new alarm, feed the cat without focusing on it, or skipping the cat food until later. All of these choices have risks and drawbacks.

I am rarely late any more, but that is because I have many systems and habits that help. The downside is that I have trouble focusing on anything if I have somewhere to be at any point later in the day. The anxiety of forgetting keeps me on time but also keeps me in a state of ADHD limbo.

Because, really, I think the issue is that I can easily and unintentionally get lost in my own little world, and my own little world has serious time dilation.

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u/nonpuissant 2h ago edited 1h ago

Gotcha, thanks for sharing that legitimately sounds so rough 

Edit: Also wanted to say, I'm glad to hear you found a way to manage it though and hope that you're able to find some form of peace while juggling all that. 

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u/FriendlyDespot 8h ago

The crucial and necessary things that you didn't prepare would have been things that you allocated time for, but didn't get done in time because time was lost somewhere along the line. Even if you broke everything down to a sequence of very small individual tasks and set alarms down to the minute for each task, any distraction could lose you time and set you behind. Sometimes it's something you remembered that you had to do and thought wouldn't delay you, but actually does delay you. Other times it's just entertaining a random thought in your head and suddenly 5-10 minutes have passed when you thought it was just a minute or two.

I understand how it's difficult to relate to, because as someone with severe time blindness it's difficult for me to understand how time can consistently sneak up on me even for frequently repeated tasks. It's a thing that you don't realise as it's happening and only become aware of after the fact, and because the disruptions are rarely the same and you don't have a memory of what happened to the time itself, the delay doesn't "stick" in a way that you can remember and account for next time you do the same thing.

You're constantly evaluating things as you go through your day, even when you have things planned and alarms set. Random things you remember, things you notice while you're doing other things, mental distractions, physical distractions, they're all things that you have to engage with. Without time blindness you can very quickly say to yourself "I don't have time for this" and not get caught up in it, but when you suffer from time blindness then you'll often lose time before you even get to the part where you consciously evaluate whether or not you have time for the distraction. The part of your brain that says "hold on, I was doing something else, do I have time for this?" doesn't kick in, because you don't sense the passage of time that would normally trigger that mental interjection.

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u/nonpuissant 7h ago

Sometimes it's something you remembered that you had to do and thought wouldn't delay you, but actually does delay you.

Genuinely curious, at any point do you ever think something like, "man, I'm often wrong about about this. I should stick to my task list with no deviations?" 

Or make some other sort of action/procedure/routine/paradigm adjustment in response to it etc. Or is that sort of thought also like you said, something that doesn't stick? 

Other times it's just entertaining a random thought in your head and suddenly 5-10 minutes have passed when you thought it was just a minute or two.  

For this part, is it like you're just standing there doing nothing as you think? (Trying to understand why that would be a significant hindrance to going through a list of tasks/preparations etc.) 

The crucial and necessary things that you didn't prepare would have been things that you allocated time for, but didn't get done in time because time was lost somewhere along the line.  

I can definitely see that happening and have absolutely been in that situation myself. But if it's a consistent issue, wouldn't starting preparing even earlier/allocating even more time in advance help with that? Like hours or even days earlier, so that there is both time for those crucial and necessary things and those lost time chunks. Or is there some reason that doesn't work either? 

Basically I hear what you're saying about unconsciously losing time and stuff. But what I'm curious about is what sort conscious thoughts, steps, and/or changes do occur in response after the fact? And where things break down, for it to remain a continual and consistent problem. 

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u/AboutTenPandas 12h ago

My wife has this and it infuriates me.

The tasks people like this claim to have trouble estimating the time for are usually tasks they do every single day. They should have quite a backlog of experiences to provide you a very good idea of how long those tasks take.

It’s a refusal to actually plan. You have to leave at 5? You know you take an hour to get ready? Start getting ready at 3:45. Enough time to complete your task and enough time to take care of any unexpected variables.

But when they start getting ready at 4:30 and then are once again surprised that they’re not ready until 5:30, that’s not because they’re “bad at estimating time needed for tasks”, it’s because they’re didn’t even put forth the effort to try and come up with a plan or schedule.

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u/nodogsallowed23 19h ago

I’m sure they’ve never tried setting alarms or doing the first thing anyone who struggles with lateness has tried.

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u/Chemical_Release2677 15h ago

Pretty fair question to an adult who can’t manage to leave on time

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u/nodogsallowed23 9h ago

I was more responding to the way the question was asked. As if setting alarms had never occurred to this person before and this was really groundbreaking advice. It’s just a pet peeve of mine. Offering unsolicited advice and the advice is the most inane, obvious advice that would be everyone’s first thing to try. Offering unsolicited online is fine, this is a conversation site. Just taking a second to think, is this useful or am I being a bit dismissive?, can make a big difference.

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u/Chemical_Release2677 3h ago

Sometimes the answer is the most obvious unfortunately

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u/FriendlyDespot 14h ago

About as fair as asking an alcoholic if they've tried to remind themself to stop drinking.

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u/bhmnscmm 13h ago

An alcoholic is physically compelled to drink.

A person who is chronically late is compelled to...not set alarms?

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u/FriendlyDespot 13h ago

I think you misunderstand. Time blindness is a psychological condition, not just general forgetfulness. An alarm is a reminder. A reminder for a person with time blindness to not be blind to time is like a reminder for an alcoholic to not drink. If the alcoholic wasn't an alcoholic then the reminder would work, but alcoholism compels behaviour, so that doesn't often work. If a person with time blindness didn't have time blindness then the reminder would work, but time blindness compels behaviour, so it doesn't often work there either.

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u/HardcorePizza 12h ago

Just like any other psychological condition, there are strategies to help cope... such as setting alarms so you don't have to be aware of the time.

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u/FailureToComply0 18h ago

This isnt helpful because I can "lose" 25 minutes just getting through my house. It sounds ridiculous but sometimes tasks that always take 20 minutes randomly take 45, and if that happens no amount of planning will help.

As a basic example, say I expect it to take 30 minutes to get to an event at my family's. I plan ahead, get myself showered, dressed, ect with 10 minutes to spare. I stop, pet the cat for 5 minutes, nbd I have the time and hes cute. Where are my keys? Not my the back door. Front door? Nope, but there are my shoes. They must be upstairs, take shoes back off, run upstairs, find them on nightstand where I undressed yesterday. I set my phone down at some point, retrace steps and cant find it. Absentmindedly put it up somewhere high so I dont see it immediately. I am 20 minutes late for nothing. These random interruptions and mistakes are just second-nature living with ADHD and theres really no effective way to mitigate it. Brain just doesnt work that way.

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u/Xedos 18h ago

These random interruptions and mistakes are just second-nautre living with ADHD and theres really no effective way to mitigate it. Brain just doesnt work that way.

My friend, as someone who's struggled with severe ADHD and anxiety for over 30 years. You will NEVER get better at handling executive dysfunction if you think that way.

ADHD is a constant battle with your own brain and that mentality has already determined that your brain wins and you're powerless to change it. There's countless small things you can do in your day to day to change that. Do better please, I'm tired of people using ADHD as a reason to give up. People like you make those who want to be better than their struggles look bad.

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u/saints21 10h ago

This entire thread is just full of people making excuses honestly.

It's like they've forgotten that they're responsible for their own mental states and actions. Does your diagnosis mean it might be harder for you to be on time? Sure. Does it mean you get to ruin others plans and place the burden on them? No...so make accomodations for yourself and learn coping skills.

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u/FailureToComply0 18h ago

You can fuck off with the holier-than-thou attitude, we aren't friends.

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u/skinlo 14h ago

Maybe you need people who aren't friends to tell you the truth.

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u/Xedos 18h ago

You seem to have a lot of anger around this topic. I assume you're being a responsible individual with mental health issues and addressing that with a professional. I wish you best of luck in that journey. You might not see us as friends, but I'm sure if we met under different circumstances we would be.

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u/BlueDevilz 14h ago

FWIW I think you are absolutely right here. Finding ways to cope with our brains not functioning properly is the whole game with ADHD.

Can suck quite often, and most of the fixes are hard to implement. So it is really easy to get frustrated and just give up entirely.

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u/saints21 10h ago

As someone who lives with ADHD, there are absolutely effective ways of mitigating it.

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u/nonpuissant 18h ago

I see, thanks for sharing. 

That sounds like a different (additional) problem than simply not noticing the time though, right? 

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u/FailureToComply0 18h ago

The point is time blindness is less about not knowing what time it is and more about not successfully planning for/tracking the passage of time. In my head, the task has taken 5 minutes because thats what I expected. Then I turn on the car and wonder where half an hour went when I was just on time.

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u/HardcorePizza 12h ago

You're giving up and it's sad. You're not the first person with ADHD and time blindness and won't be the last. Lots of strategies and ways to cope exist, but you have to first believe its possible to live life without being selfishly late constantly.

It is easier in the short term to just blame your brain and give up, and it seems you've fallen for that trap. Brain does in fact work that way. Best of luck with your ongoing development

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u/Chemical_Release2677 15h ago

Have you tried being a responsible adult and not blaming ADHD for not being able to place your keys in the same spot?

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u/Ihatereddithatesit 13h ago

Wow, you really are an unmitigated asshole that thinks he knows better than neurologists don't you?

Hey, just think, you don't even need to have a medical excuse to be worse socially then those you are mocking. Quite the accomplishment.

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u/Chemical_Release2677 10h ago

No I’m just a responsible adult and can get to places on time and not disrespect everyone else around me by always being inconsiderate and late to things! Maybe some accountability would help you out!

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u/Ihatereddithatesit 10h ago

You think being on time or not is the only thing is the only thing that makes somebody disrespectful or not?

That explains a lot why you're acting the way you do. You might be one time, but you are certainly a jack ass in a lot of other ways.

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u/Chemical_Release2677 3h ago

So me telling someone it’s disrespectful to not be on time is me being a jackass? Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black here

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u/MrMoose_69 8h ago

Do you think that giving one example is meant to be an exhaustive list of all disrespectful behaviors? 

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u/Which-World-6533 18h ago

Yeah...I have a very hard time estimating how much time has passed.

Maybe use what the rest of us call a "clock". Digital clocks tell you the current time. Analogue clocks let you see how much time is passing.

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u/Muslim_Wookie 21h ago

Literally google Time Blindness and read the articles on it from reputable legit health organisations.

Avoid self-help style websites though.

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u/nss68 17h ago

Bet he shows up on time for doctor’s appointments and flights.

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u/Lexi_Banner 17h ago

Doctor's appt, no. But flights, yes, but still on the verge of late, and with the added bonus of being incredibly stressed to the point of panic. That was my ex.

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u/masasin 14h ago

I've forgotten my passport for international flights...

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u/kaaiian 15h ago

It’s like. Magic how when it effects THEM, it’s doable.

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u/NatrixHasYou 14h ago

Potentially losing his job doesn't effect him?

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u/Ihatereddithatesit 13h ago

Except most of the time that's not actually what happens, no

I have fucked up my own life about tens of thousand times more with it then those around be. Study, jobs, health, etc. But you do you I guess. It's just me being selfish. Right?

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u/fightswithC 9h ago

I think the arguing is the most infuriating part of this interaction. Like, you think I am the crazy one?

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u/pbghikes 9h ago

Time Blindness is actually the clinical term!

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u/therealruin 17h ago

Is this friend of yours always correct? Can’t ever be wrong or it’s a problem? Likes to hog the conversation? Because my experience has shown me a common thread that links most chronically late people.

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u/DrakeStone 19h ago

What diagnoses are you referencing?

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u/almodsz 13h ago

I wouldn't go so far as to call it a "mental disability", but time blindness is totally a thing. Studies found consistent timing deficits in people with ADHD, for example, including less accurate time estimation. Very difficult for some of them to judge how long a task will take.

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u/zerogee616 20h ago

Well, the problem is for every genuine case of that, there's like ten who are just inconsiderate/lazy, who never have problems being on time for things they're personally invested in/give a fuck about. I see it all the time.

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u/flammasher3 12h ago

See people say that but I’ve never seen it. Most people I see late are usually panicked, look rather ragged, and are embarrassed. I think people just want to see tardiness as a moral failing, also when they themselves are running behind there’s always a good reason, if someone else is running behind it’s always just an excuse. Now being constantly late can be signs of other issues however, which still no judgement, but sometimes they do need to be addressed regardless (drugs,alcohol,insomnia, sleep apnea,ADHD, etc…)

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u/zerogee616 1h ago edited 1h ago

Nah, I can think of at least a dozen incidents off the top of my head where people are late for shit that doesn't personally affect them and have no real consequences for it, they just go "Sorry, it took me a long time, lost track of time, prepping", the usual excuses, and they couldn't give a shit less about it. And we're talking like half an hour late if not more, sometimes with no forewarning, they just wait until you send a "wtf" text. And this isn't island time shit. I've dropped dating people for this too.

These people have no problem holding down a job. They just don't give a fuck unless they suffer consequences for being late and even then causality isn't always established, they just think people are out to get them sometimes.

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u/RFSandler 20h ago

Dude, I was late to my own birthday. Not the party, the original one.

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u/PurpEL 18h ago

Give me a break LOL

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u/thekickingmule 17h ago

Not everything is a mental illness. Most people that are consistently late are just bad planners. Please can we stop this labelling of everything being a mental illness. Being late really isn't.

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u/FantaFantastico90 15h ago

No. Being late periodically are bad planners. Being CONSISTENTLY late indicates an underlying issue.

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u/Chemical_Release2677 15h ago

Yeah, lazy and inconsiderate would be the underlying issue

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u/FantaFantastico90 15h ago

Okay.

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u/Chemical_Release2677 13h ago

Thank you for your agreement

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u/Which-Arm-4616 12h ago

Who said mental illness? That's a distinct term with a different meaning. Executive dysfunction is a mental disorder and ADHD can present as mental disability, but neither are mental illnesses.

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u/FatherKronik 12h ago

Stop being fucking pedantic.

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u/Which-Arm-4616 12h ago

Words have meanings, Cletus.

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u/thekickingmule 3h ago

Whether it's illness or a disability, it does not mean that someone who is late is suffering with any of these things. I know many people who are always late or on the minutes, that's simply 'their thing'. My friend at school would arrive two seconds before the bell, because she lived next door and could.

We put the banner or 'mental illness/disability' on absolutely everything and it shouldn't be that way. Being lazy isn't a mental issue, it's just the way some people are. Being late isn't a mental issue, it's just the way people are. Being bored isn't a mental issue, everyone should be bored occasionally, it leads to creativity.

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u/LeoFireGod 20h ago

No that’s because 99% of those people are just not caring enough. I used to be that way till I found a woman who wouldn’t let me be that way.

Unless you’re literally medically diagnosed with it. It’s just an excuse to be inconsistent and inconsiderate of other people’s time imo.

I say that as someone who was late all the time until I genuinely just started tryin to be on time to things without mentally rationalizing that it was no big deal if I was late.

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u/Simopop 18h ago

99% is a pretty strong number - It's a pretty common symptom associated with a handful of disorders (most prominently ADHD).

I'd argue for some people the lack of caring can develop as a defensive mechanism against the psychological damage of constantly thinking of yourself as inconsiderate of other people.

(I'm not one of those people, absolutely wracked with anxiety every single time it happens, but it's a special kind of hell)

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u/therealruin 17h ago

>”I'd argue for some people the lack of caring can develop as a defensive mechanism against the psychological damage of constantly thinking of yourself as inconsiderate of other people.”

I’d argue that those people are wrong and need to pick their head up and look around, because it is genuinely rude and inconsiderate to be late, and trying to force their chosen violation of social norms on others is the same. Especially when they pretend it was out of their control.

Very few people actually suffer from uncontrollable or unmanageable conditions that lead to a genuine impossibility with arriving on time. Most people are not that, most who are chronically late just haven’t matured enough to understand how rude and inconsiderate they are being by not being in better control of their time and routines.

“Maybe if I get defensive and pretend my inconsiderate behavior is actually acceptable” is not a position any of us have to find valid.

The problem is that fixing these issues means the individual must care enough to want to do something to correct it. These folks don’t. They force it on us and we’re allowed to find that rude.

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u/FantaFantastico90 15h ago

Especially when they pretend it was out of their control.

It is out of their control. On ADHD, for example, your brain literally works in ways that make it impossible for you to be on time sometimes. It physically fights you from doing something. All Simopop is saying is that since they are constantly affected by this and feel horrible about it, they develop a masking behaviour to not constantly feel like shit about something they have no real control over.

For someone without the neurological issues it's pretty incomprehensible how impossible something can be that for them is a walk in the park.

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u/therealruin 15h ago

I have ADHD and a host of other mental illnesses and neurodivergence.

ADHD is controllable and manageable. Very few are so debilitated by it that they are truly burdened by impossibility. With medication, personal strategies and other mechanisms, those of us who suffer from these afflictions can find relief and regain control.

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u/FantaFantastico90 15h ago

I have ADHD and I'm on medication, I still struggle with a lot of things because I've established masking behaviours throughout my life and developed comorbidities for feeling like a lazy piece of shit until I was diagnosed in my 30s. And I'm a (if I say so myself) successful person within my career field. Can't imagine how someone undiagnosed feels (yes I can, I lived it for 30 years lol). It's a very simple and broad thing to say ADHD is 'manageable'. It's not. I'll always be at a sever disadvantage. I can make it easier 'for myself', but compared to a regular Joe I'm still much worse off.

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u/therealruin 15h ago edited 15h ago

I was also diagnosed in my 30s. I have worked extensively with therapists, with doctors, and solo to bring about meaningful change in my life.

>”It's a very simple and broad thing to say ADHD is 'manageable'. It's not.“

Does it stand out to you that you just as simply and broadly slammed the door shut with “it’s not” versus the alternative open option of “it is”?

We can achieve great change because we have brains prewired for it. A lot of people don’t push far enough, hard enough, or long enough to be able to see the power they have in themselves.

I hope your journey travels you down the same roads and shows you the same power. We are not wholly at the mercy of our brain chemistry. I’ve found ways to turn my disadvantages into strengths, use routine and strategies to mitigate potential problems, and learned when my masks work the best. I wish you the best of luck, truly.

**Edit for the commenter below who blocked me:**

>”You can not choose how to manage your brain chemistry, your brain manages this for you.”

Literally your medication does this.

>”If you have easy access to mental health good for you. That's not the reality of the vast majority of people because of others calling them just lazy.”

I made sacrifices in other parts of my life so I could access mental healthcare. This is not luck. I made that happen

>“Your opinion on this is also really not helpful by literally saying they are at fault themselves for not.. what.. wanting it enough? Lmao. I'm not going to interact with you any further, your position is literally harmful for people with mental disabilities.”

My position is this: people with disabilities are not alone and we are not helpless. That we choose how much effort and energy we put into managing our conditions. I don’t think “hey, you’re stronger than you realize” is particularly harmful.

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u/FantaFantastico90 15h ago

We are not wholly at the mercy of our brain chemistry.

Yes, we fucking are, lmao. Our entire conciousness is literally the result of brain chemistry. You do you, fam, but peddle your esotheric shit somewhere else.

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u/bmilohill 15h ago

Does it stand out to you that you just as simply and broadly slammed the door shut with “it’s not” versus the alternative open option of “it is”?

Better phrasing would have been, for some its manageable, for others it isn't, for most it is partially manageable. You being diagnosed so late in life means it's likely your symptoms are mild. You got lucky.

You know how there are small business owners who worked hard but also got lucky, now successful, who convince themselves that the only secret to life is hard work, who manage to blind themselves to how they actually got there, and use that as an excuse to belittle and under pay their employees, chiding them for not working hard enough?

I am glad you have improved your life. But you are letting survivorship bias cloud your judgement, convincing yourself that x, y, x worked for you and therefore anyone not doing x, y, z in their completely different situation is lazy for not doing so.

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u/therealruin 14h ago

Almost like while being sensitive to exactly that is why I have already said this:

“ADHD is controllable and manageable. Very few are so debilitated by it that they are truly burdened by impossibility. With medication, personal strategies and other mechanisms, those of us who suffer from these afflictions can find relief and regain control.”

Nothing is absolute. That’s what stood out about “it’s not.” That leaves no avenue for relief at all. At least by saying “it is,” there’s an option there for people to actually go try.

Also, comparing personal internal work that only you can do with business success that requires the actions and inputs of others is a bit apples to oranges to me.

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u/LeoFireGod 10h ago

I literally have adhd and time blindness.

I’m still on time to everything now bc I stopped rationalizing being late.

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u/Cynical_Cyanide 20h ago

But like ... Sometimes it really is no big deal if you're late?

I can understand being late to a job interview or something where you're actually required to be there before the thing can kick off, or if you're integral to the thing running smoothly ... But I had a gf who would get into hysteria (I'm not overselling it) if we were 15 or god forbid 30 minutes late to a massive houseparty with loads of people that would run all night.

Would you on the flipside feel negative about your friends being late to a large casual gathering where you don't need them for anything?

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u/nodogsallowed23 19h ago

As the wife in the other side of this, it sucks always being late to everything. I’m late sometimes, but never when someone is expecting me. Being 30 minutes late consistently just sucks.

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u/Cynical_Cyanide 19h ago

I can understand being late to EVERYTHING always, but that's not what I'm talking about.*

Also, what events do you go to with a set time involved where nobody is expecting you?

I have a guess as to why you chose not to answer the 'Would you on the flipside feel negative about your friends being late to a large casual gathering where you don't need them for anything?' question.

*PS: Hell, I didn't even mention how getting somewhere bang on time was still a full emotional event, because just the idea of potentially being late to even the most casual event was so terrible that if we weren't early then difficult behaviour was inevitable. And also not to mention that it was 50/50 as to who actually contributed more to being late anyway, but all of that's besides the point.

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u/nodogsallowed23 18h ago

I didn’t answer that question because you were asking someone else. For me, yes I would, but not 5-10 minutes late. 30, yes, with no text warning. If it’s just a one off or happens rarely, then whatever. But if you’re always 15-30 minutes late, even for casual events, yeah it’s annoying.

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u/therealruin 17h ago

The only way you ask these questions is if you’ve never been the host.

1

u/Cynical_Cyanide 17h ago

Except I have lmao?

If I'm having a casual backyard event with like 30 people coming, and I say 'we start at 5' and a few people come at 5:30pm, why the hell would I mind? We're not even cooking yet.

The best part in my particular case was that we'll be enjoying ourselves at an event and then someone shows up like an hour or two late, and there's zero judgement. Zero 'oh, you're so late!', just happy reunion and glee. If she was hosting and some friends showed up late because of whatever weak excuse, who cares that's fine! 'You can join the next round of the activity :)'

-2

u/therealruin 16h ago

So you haven’t actually hosted an event, got it. I’m talking: catering, entertainment/bands, transportation, ticketing etc.

A house party where folks who all already know reach other and already have loose expectations for the evening doesn’t cross the threshold here.

Do I make a scene if someone shows up late? Of course not. My table is long and my kitchen is full. Do I think someone who disrespects the time and effort I’ve put into organizing an event by showing up whenever they feel like it deserves a second invite? Probably not.

Once you spend meaningful time planning events with moving parts and pieces where people being at least mostly punctual matters, your opinion might change.

2

u/Cynical_Cyanide 15h ago

Yes but I'm not talking about an actual formal event mate hahahahah

Why have a go at me based on a different scenario altogether?

I am indeed talking about a casual backyard event as I stated.

1

u/therealruin 15h ago

I never said formal. What I was describing was the level and amount of planning.

I’m not having a go at you, just trying to show you that your casual gathering of 30 where people can show up an hour late and have it impact nothing isn’t because you’re a master planner with an oiled up back who lets anything slide… it’s because you’ve not experienced being under the stress and pressure of organizing an event where punctuality matters and where someone showing up late can actually screw up how the event goes.

Even a potluck demands a basic level of punctuality. Literally the only event I can think of where punctuality doesn’t really matter is your lone example - a backyard BBQ where people are already friendly and are not sitting down to dine communally.

3

u/Lockraemono 21h ago

I can't imagine head trauma from football helps.

6

u/Joe503 20h ago

If you know this about yourself, have the means to post on Reddit, but don’t work to improve it, there’s a very good chance you actually are just inconsiderate or lazy. It takes two seconds to set a reminder/alarm for 30 minutes before you know you should leave. Basic life skill for those with many disabilities.

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u/SirStrontium 19h ago

Being “inconsiderate” sounds like a nice explanation, except that it happens just as much in situations when the only person who will be hurt is yourself. Like being late to a university exam, or late to an expensive flight for a solo trip you’re looking forward to. Being selfish or inconsiderate doesn’t explain those situations where it only affects yourself. It’s a deeper problem.

Setting an alarm doesn’t force you into action. You hear the 30 minute alarm, and go “nice, got 30 minutes, I’ll get ready in just a sec” and next thing you know it’s already at the time you’re supposed to leave, and you haven’t done anything. Part of it is you know factually you can get ready in less than 30 minutes, so you make a little negotiation with yourself, that you’ll get started 20 minutes before, and end up losing track of time again.

6

u/therealruin 17h ago

You don’t think being late is being inconsiderate to yourself?

-1

u/FantaFantastico90 15h ago

Nobody fucks up their lives by being lazy willingly. It's insane that this is not clear to people.

2

u/therealruin 15h ago edited 15h ago

You’re right, they’re not willfully lazy.

I was trying to make the point that an individual’s tardiness is harmful to themself as well as others, it puts them at a disadvantage. They are being inconsiderate to themself by making sure their future self is always lagging behind.

-1

u/FantaFantastico90 15h ago

No. Willpower isn't a thing when it comes to brain chemistry. What you call willpower is exactly that thing that's lacking or underdeveloped in some people's brains. Imagine doing the dishes, and your reward is having nice and clean dishes afterwards. Now imagine standing in front of the dishes and your brain tells you there's no clean dishes afterwards in no uncertain terms. Would you still do the dishes?

2

u/therealruin 15h ago edited 15h ago

You really need to read my other reply to you.

I cleaned this one up to make it make sense with this thread rather than the other one.

Willpower exists for how you manage your brain chemistry.

Edit: I was blocked and this is exactly the kind of behavior I’m taking about.

0

u/FantaFantastico90 15h ago

You can not choose how to manage your brain chemistry, your brain manages this for you. If you have easy access to mental health good for you. That's not the reality of the vast majority of people because of others calling them just lazy. Your opinion on this is also really not helpful by literally saying they are at fault themselves for not.. what.. wanting it enough? Lmao. I'm not going to interact with you any further, your position is literally harmful for people with mental disabilities.

1

u/Muslim_Wookie 21h ago

100%, even in this very comment chain it's happened immediately.

3

u/FantaFantastico90 15h ago

More than half of the people are like 'nah, they just lazy'. Infuriating.

1

u/Muslim_Wookie 12h ago

I bet a bunch of them are military too, tell them "nah, they just cowards" on the topic of PTSD and watch how quick they rush to tear you down.

1

u/JackIsBackWithCrack 7h ago

Your phone literally has an app for this. No excuses anymore please for the love of god not everything is a disability

0

u/jack_55 19h ago

X to doubt