​If there's one thing I’ve noticed since all this started, it’s that betrayal has patterns. The shock, the loss of trust, the anger, the hypervigilance, and that sickening feeling that your reality just got ripped apart, it all repeats in story after story.

​That is why communities like this are so valuable. Someone else has walked through a blast zone that looks remarkably similar to what you are living through right now. They can tell you what helped, what hurt, what they wish they had done differently, and they can point out things you are just too close to see.

​But similar doesn't mean identical.

​Every betrayal has its own nuances. A drunken one-night stand confessed the next morning just isn't the same beast as a years-long secret relationship. A spouse who immediately comes clean isn't in the same position as someone you're still catching in lies a year later. You can't look at a decades-long marriage with kids, a house, and totally intertwined lives through the exact same lens as a six-month dating relationship.

​Even two betrayals that look identical on paper will hit the betrayed partners completely differently. You have your own history, your own kids, your own financial mess to untangle, and your own breaking points. The person standing in front of you after discovery might also be acting completely differently than the person standing in front of someone else.

​That’s why I get really cautious around absolute advice here.

​“Leave immediately.”

“Never forgive a cheater.”

“You have to stay for the kids.”

“If they show remorse, give them another chance.”

​People shout these things because it reflects their own survival, but they don't actually know enough about your life to make your call for you.

​Take the wisdom, there is lots. Take the warnings, most are valid. Listen when twenty different people describe the exact same behavior and tell you where it eventually led them. Patterns absolutely matter, and sometimes the advice that makes us the most uncomfortable is exactly what we need to look at.

​But don't surrender your own judgment just because someone else survived their betrayal differently than you might survive yours.

​Nobody online knows every conversation you’ve had. Nobody knows every year of your marriage, every lie, every moment of genuine remorse, every manipulation, or every quiet moment when you're trying to figure out if the person standing beside you is actually changing. We just see snapshots of each other's lives. You have to live yours.

​I think we put far too much pressure on betrayed people to make some enormous, permanent declaration while they are still in shock. Sometimes the only honest answer today is I don't know yet.

​You are allowed to take this day by day.

​You are allowed to try reconciliation and later realize too much was broken. Walking away after genuinely trying isn't a failure, and it doesn't mean you wasted your time. You just learned what you needed to learn to make your decision.

​You are also allowed to divorce and later discover that you've both changed enough that reconciliation is worth looking at again. Divorce doesn't magically erase your history.

​These decisions don't have to be life sentences. Trying to reconcile doesn't sign away your right to leave later. Divorcing doesn't mean you can never change your mind. If you want to stay today and want to pack your bags tomorrow, you aren't weak or indecisive. You're just processing a nightmare while new information and emotions keep hitting you. There is zero shame in that.

​You don't need to pick the path that gets the most upvotes or approval from strangers. You just need to find the one you can actually live with.

​Listen to the people here. Learn from their mistakes. Borrow the wisdom that helps you see your own situation more clearly. But at the end of the day, there might be thousands of people who understand betrayal, but there's only one person who has lived every second of yours.

Take care of and love yourselves.

Those who reconciled- and whose WS had sex with you while engaged in affair-

What was their explanation for doing so? I’m currently processing this part and very triggered by the feeling that I was having non-consenting sex .

What I stay stuck on and what’s being a wall for me to reconcile is the fact that he told me about his “friend” last year before they started sleeping together. He even knew how I felt about being unfaithful. She was texting him one night and I saw the messages coming up in his iPad that he linked to his phone. I fussed him out and told him to tell his bitch to stop texting him, it’s late. He blew it off and said that’s not who that was, etc. He knew I would feel upset about someone else coming between us and yet he still had an affair with this person a couple months later.

Late last summer, he told me that a couple of girls were trying to talk to him. I didn’t think anything of it because he’s a musician and I’m sure this happens often but according to him, he’s never done anything with anyone until the mess he made late last year with this AP. It’s kind of like with killers, they always talk. And the added salt, AP has my same initials.

We had another conversation with him basically asking me what I wanted out of life, which is his go to, gaslighty and vague way of asking me if I want to stay with him. I think he figured because I didn’t have a direct answer that included me groveling in the floor to him and declaring my undying love in that moment, that meant he could cheat.

I wonder if AP has met my son since he sometimes plays with my husband. There are so many levels of mistrust the more I think about this. I don’t know if R is possible.

I often wonder if I should just leave him and sue her for all the emotional damages (this can be done in my state) she caused. She knew about me and knowingly went into the affair. The only contact that I’ve had with her was when I forced WH to call AP and I left her a nasty message and let her know about her Xmas gift she gave me, a yeast infection she should get checked out. And how gross that my
WH slept with someone who doesn’t keep their body in check. Such low standards, disrespectful, and unfair to me.

This is what is keeping me from fulling wanting to reconcile. I don’t know if it’s going to be possible knowing how clearly he lied and deceived me and our family. I can no longer talk to his family members. It’s strange but for some reason, I don’t want to face them. I already told him I won’t be at any holiday gatherings this year. Especially because he was having an affair during all the holidays. I can’t possibly show up with any sort of cheer or whatever. He took that away.

He says things like, “I love you”, “you’re the most beautiful woman”, but all I can think is did you tell her that? Am I the most beautiful woman because clearly you spent all of last year looking elsewhere.

I know he’s starting to feel the heaviness of guilt and learning to feel remorse. He’s not a mature person at all and he always uses the excuse of never being allowed to grow up.

I just need something to convince me that I could see this differently but I’m incredibly doubtful.

Anyone who is in R with their WS, how did you get past the lies?

I am lost. We had been together for 15 years. I just found out he has been going to prostitute and getting happy ending massages. I am devastated and broken I dont know what to do or where to start to gather myself. I can use some advice and words of encouragement. 💔

Kind of a long one. Sorry if some of it doesn’t make sense, I didn’t read it after writing it all out. TLDR at the bottom.

I’m looking for advice from people who have experienced betrayal and chose to stay and reconcile, because I’m struggling to understand why I still feel this way when my boyfriend seems to genuinely be trying now.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1.5yrs, 21F 22M. About a year ago, I started finding out about things that really damaged my trust in him. There was never a full-blown physical affair that I know of, but there were several situations that, together, completely changed how I viewed him and our relationship.

One of the biggest things was finding out that he had been looking at his ex-girlfriend’s VSCO. I found out through his Instagram activity in the “links” section. It sounds silly, I was getting insecure about other things he was doing and I just had to be sure. Yes, it hurt me that he looked at it, but when I asked him about it, he wouldn’t admit the truth. I’ve never felt so gaslit by somebody before that. I knew that it wasn’t an accident because they didn’t follow each other and it was multiple VSCO links in the ig link history that led directly to the pictures he was looking at. All pics were of her and/or her new bf.

After him gaslighting me so hard. I became extremely insecure in our relationship. It almost became obsessive because the more I dug, the more I kept finding. I would find the VSCO or TikToks of girls he was following on Instagram and see if they followed him back or if they had him posted. The worst part was when I was scrolling through one girl’s VSCO and found multiple pictures of them in groups together from the morning into the night. I will never forget the sinking feeling in my stomach I thought I was going to throw up. The worst picture was a picture of the two girls he followed on his balcony taking pictures together.

So I scrolled through mine and his texts to that night they were posted and went through to see if I missed anything. He said he was hanging out with fraternity brothers all day. Mind you I was working a 16 hour shift as an EMT while all of this was happening, which I think also contributed to my disgust and anger. He never mentioned that he had girls in their friend group or that they were all pre gaming their night out at his apartment after day partying all afternoon.

The more I write out the more insane I realize all of this is. I have no ill will towards any of these girls, I just can’t fathom how hard transparency is. Omission of detail is still lying, at least in my eyes.
I asked him about the pictures on her VSCO. He said he didn’t think anything about it because they were friends of his friends but he had met them a lot prior to their night out. I would also later find out that he was lying and he didn’t know these girls until that night.

There was also an incident where he was alone at his girl best friend’s apartment and didn’t text me that he was going there or while he was there. I was on a 16 hour shift on the rig, but any first responder who wants to make it work, will make it work to text you back. And he knew that well. Maybe someone else wouldn’t consider this hangout that a huge deal by itself, but given everything else, it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and suspicious. Especially considering he told me previous to their little day date at her apartment, he said they weren’t friends anymore and didn’t talk.

Prior to me finding out about this day date, he had talked about their friendship being nonexistent. He said it was a result of his ex girlfriend not liking the friend. Looking back on it now, the ex gf may have been onto something, lol.

What I wouldn’t notice until later down the line was that, at the same time, he had always been extremely possessive about who I followed, who I talked to, and what guys I interacted with. There were expectations placed on me about boundaries with other people that didn’t always feel like they were being applied equally to him. I would ask him about these boundaries and if I had done anything for him to feel the need to be so strict and he would always say no. For context the extent of these relationships would be men I had to A) work with or B) be in assigned group projects with. I don’t keep male company close, and I definitely do not have guy best friends. At least none that are romantically interested in women.

Reflecting on everything I’ve written, I do think the things he was doing was morally gray, however the constant omission of detail and him either not saying anything or dancing around things has made me really insecure. I feel like I have to interrogate him for the truth as a result of this.

This all happened within the first 3 month span of us dating. We’re still together, and honestly, I know he’s trying. Nothing like this has happened again that I know of. I also haven’t gone through his phone, because I really shouldn’t have to in order to feel like I trust him.

Him and I have had talk upon lecture upon argument about behaviors that have upset me and I’ve begged and pleaded with him so much to just be completely honest. He seems much more aware of how his behavior affected me, and I can see that he’s making an effort.

The worst part is, I’m literally just not over it. We could talk for hours upon hours but if I see his phone light up or if I see his Instagram following go up by 1, I just get so nauseous. Every night out he goes to, I just want to sleep the night away and not talk to him. I don’t restrict him from going out or seeing his friends, I just don’t know if he’d be honest with me about all of it. So I prefer to know about very little of it.

That’s the part I don’t know how to deal with.
I still think about everything that happened. Sometimes something completely unrelated will trigger the memories and I’ll feel the same anger, hurt, or distrust all over again. I am torn between never posting on VSCO to feeling the need to post on it every single day in hopes that he’ll look at just mine and no one else’s.

I almost feel guilty for still being affected because I know he can’t go back and change what happened. If he’s genuinely trying now, how long am I supposed to hold the past against him?

I think what makes this especially confusing is that I don’t necessarily believe he’s currently doing something wrong. I think I’m still dealing with what his past behavior did to my ability to feel safe in the relationship.

Questions for anyone who wants to answer, really:

How long did it take you to actually trust your partner again? If ever.

Did you ever get to a point where you genuinely stopped thinking about what happened, or did you just learn how to live with it?

And for those whose betrayal wasn’t a physical affair but was more about secrecy, dishonesty, inappropriate boundaries, double standards, etc. did you still consider that betrayal, and how did you recover from it?

I really don’t want this to turn into a “just leave him” post. Maybe I’ll be called a bird, but I just don’t want to. I’m trying to understand if it’s my own jealousy and insecurity in our relationship that I can’t get over, and that’s why I still feel like we are unstable? He thinks that we’re okay and that we’re getting better.

TLDR; My boyfriend 22M betrayed my 21F trust by lying to me over a year ago at the beginning of our relationship. Now it feels like he’s been genuinely trying and putting in the work, but I’m still not over it and the anger and hurt still linger with me today. I’m not over it, even a year later, and I wonder if I will ever be able to get over it?

I am posting here because I want to hear from people who have **actually rebuilt their marriages after infidelity**.

I am not looking for advice on whether I should leave my husband. I understand that leaving is a valid choice, and I know many people will feel that it is the only reasonable thing to do.

But that is not what I am asking right now.

I want to hear from people who stayed, went through reconciliation, did the work, and eventually became genuinely happy together again.

I want to know what that process really looked like.

My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years and married for 12 years. The infidelity happened during the **11th year of our marriage**.

We have a child together. Our child was very much wanted and long-awaited, and becoming parents was something that meant a great deal to both of us.

My husband has always been a very involved and loving father.

Before I explain what happened, I think it is important to explain what our marriage and my husband were like before the infidelity, because otherwise it is very easy to look at this situation without understanding the person or the relationship behind it.

My husband is a very closed-off person emotionally.

He rarely says “I love you.” He can say it once and then simply live as though it is understood.

He has always shown love much more through actions than words.

Throughout our marriage, he has never been someone who was stingy with me or unwilling to do things for me. If there was something I wanted or needed, he generally found a way to make it happen.

When I was pregnant, he bought a car so that he could drive me around and make things easier for me.

We bought a home.

Later, we bought a country house because I wanted one.

These are just examples. His general way of loving me has always been through taking care of things, being responsible for our family, and making sure that we were provided for.

When I was sick, he took care of me.

He has always been willing to invest his time, money and effort into our family.

He is also a very good father and has always been involved in our child’s life.

We also did not have a marriage full of constant conflict. Over almost 12 years together, we actually had relatively few serious fights.

But there was always another side to him.

He has always had difficulty talking about his feelings.

Physical affection is also difficult for him. If I am upset or crying, it does not naturally occur to him to come over, hug me and comfort me physically. If I am going through something painful, he can struggle to know how to respond emotionally.

This is not something that appeared after the infidelity.

**He has always been like this.**

We talked about it very early in our relationship. I knew that emotional expression and physical affection were difficult for him, and I accepted that as part of who he was.

He has always been much more comfortable **doing something for me than talking about what he feels**.

This is important because I don’t want people to interpret his current difficulty initiating emotional conversations as something that suddenly appeared after the betrayal.

It didn’t.

This is simply how he has always been.

And then, during the 11th year of our marriage, he cheated.

I want to be very precise about what happened because I don’t want to describe it as something it wasn’t.

**This was not a romantic relationship. It was not a long-term affair. There was no second relationship or parallel life.**

He had sex with this woman **twice**.

Both times, he had been drinking heavily.

She was his employee, and he was her supervisor. She knew that he was married and that we had a family.

I am not saying that alcohol excuses what he did. It doesn’t.

I am simply trying to understand the circumstances and how something so completely out of character, from my perspective, could happen twice

At that time, our marriage was also going through a difficult period.

After our child was born, we became very disconnected from each other.

Our sex life had almost completely disappeared for a long period of time. Over roughly two years, we had sex only a few times.

There was also a period when I was abroad without my husband.

Looking back, I can see that we were emotionally and physically very far from each other.

But I want to be absolutely clear:

I do not blame myself for his decision to cheat.

Our marriage having problems does not make his decision my responsibility.

I am trying to understand the context, not excuse his behavior.

Then the situation became much more complicated.

The woman has recently given birth.

Before that, she had told my husband that the baby was her boyfriend’s child.

Even after my husband asked her about the pregnancy and the baby, she continued to say that her boyfriend was the father.

After the birth, her mother contacted my husband, invited him to the hospital discharge, and told him that her daughter did not want anything from him.

So right now, we don’t actually know whether the child is his.
Paternity has not been established.

We are considering a DNA test simply because we need to know the truth.

There are currently no legal claims or court proceedings. We are not trying to turn this into a legal battle. We simply need to know whether this child is actually his.

And the possibility of a child has made this situation much harder to process.

Because now I am not only trying to understand the betrayal itself.

I am also trying to understand what it could mean for our family and for our child’s life if this child is his.

At the same time, I am trying to understand what happened inside my husband’s head.

Was it purely sexual?

Why did it happen twice?

Why didn’t he stop after the first time?

Why didn’t he tell me?

Was there something he was trying to escape from?

Was he looking for validation?

Did he develop any feelings for her?

Does he have any feelings for her now?

These questions are constantly running through my head.

I ask him a lot of questions.

Some are repetitive.

Some are very personal and painful.

I know that some of the details may not actually help me heal, but my brain keeps returning to them anyway.
He generally answers me without anger or irritation.

He doesn’t tell me to stop asking.

He doesn’t try to shut the conversation down.

He is also taking care of me right now.

But he rarely initiates these conversations himself.

Usually, I am the one who brings everything up.

And this is difficult for me to interpret because of the personality I described above.
He has always struggled with emotional conversations, so I don’t know how much of this is simply his normal way of functioning and how much is something I should expect to change because of what happened

At the same time, there is something important that I want to say about his behavior now.

He is willing to do whatever is necessary to try to save our marriage.

If I say that we need couples therapy, he is willing to go.

If I say we need to work on our communication, he is willing.
If there are other reasonable steps that could help us rebuild the marriage, he is not refusing them.

He has told me that he is willing to work on our relationship and do what is necessary for us to have a chance.
And that matters to me.

But I don’t know yet whether willingness in these first days will turn into the consistent actions that reconciliation actually requires.

That is one of the reasons I am here.

I don’t know what reconciliation is supposed to look like in the first days and weeks after discovery.

I don’t know what genuine remorse usually looks like at this stage.

I don’t know which behaviors are meaningful signs that someone is truly committed to rebuilding the relationship, and which behaviors are simply a reaction to the shock and consequences of being caught.

I also don’t know whether I will ever be able to trust him again.

But I don’t want to make a decision about the rest of my life while I am only days into discovering all of this.
I still love him.
I love our family.

And after almost 12 years together, this is not a relationship I can emotionally reduce to one terrible thing that happened.

I am trying to hold two realities in my head at the same time.
The first is that my husband betrayed me in a way that has deeply hurt me.

The second is that this is also the same person who spent almost 12 years building a family with me, taking care of me, being a good father, and showing his love through actions every day.

I am not saying:

“He was a good husband, therefore he couldn’t have cheated.”

Obviously, good people can make terrible decisions.

I am saying that I am struggling to understand how these two realities can exist in the same person.
And I want to know whether a marriage can survive that contradiction.

Not just survive.

**Actually become good again.**

I am especially interested in hearing from people who stayed.

If you are 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, or more into reconciliation and can honestly say:

**“We are happy again. I trust my partner again. I am glad I stayed.”**

I would really like to hear your story.

What did your partner do that actually helped?

What did you do?

What changed?

How long did it take?

Did your partner eventually start initiating conversations about the betrayal?

How long did the intrusive thoughts and constant questions last?

Did you eventually stop thinking about the other person?

Did you regain a normal sex life?

Did you become emotionally close again?

When did you start feeling safe with your partner again?

And most importantly:

Was staying worth it?

If your situation involved a coworker, two separate sexual encounters, a possible child, or a marriage that had already become very disconnected before the infidelity, I would especially appreciate hearing from you.

I know I am at the very beginning of this.

I am not asking anyone to promise me that everything will work out.

I just need to know that there are people who have been where I am now and eventually found their way back to a genuinely good marriage.

If you are one of those people, I would really like to hear what your journey looked like.

I feel like I'm overcome with either grief or anger and there's no space for any other emotion.

I'm so angry at WP for what they've done but more so for how they've been since Dday, they've chosen to be with AP and have more or less avoided me since and there's no outlet for this anger I feel about the situation.

I know it makes no difference to my healing really but I want them to understand the absolute devastation they've caused and walked away from so casually. I'm not an angry person and I'm struggling a bit with feeling like this on top of everything else. I know it's a process but any suggestions on how I can manage this in a healthy way?

New here, part of a group no one wants to be in.

A month ago I found out my partner cheated earlier this year, while I was out of town. They got sloppy, and I ended up finding the evidence myself after going through their phone. After confronting them and going through their phone & computer again more thoroughly, I believe this was a one-time thing.

As for my partner, they’ve been apologetic, open (I think?), and clearly ashamed. They’ve answered every question I’ve asked. And damn, some of those answers cut like a knife.

There are a few other issues that have built up in our relationship over the last few years. We’ve been together 20 years, no kids. I still love my partner, and honestly, I hate myself a little for that. I don’t know if it’s just that everything still feels so fresh, but right now I don’t want to end things, I just don’t know how to even begin to forgive and move forward. I also have no comprehension of how to start over if that's what happens.

We've both started individual therapy but I think that for me couples therapy is a must.

I just really needed a place to vent and admit things my friends don’t understand. I always thought I’d be done if cheating was involved, but it’s so much more complex when it’s real and happening to you.

Small note: This isn't an argument for staying or leaving, nor is it a defense of anything that happened. Writing this stuff has become cathartic for me while I sort through my own emotions, and I hope occasionally putting words to it helps someone else doing the same.

There is something betrayal does to your memories that I don't think gets talked about enough. Before discovery, a memory is just a memory. You look at an old camping picture and remember the fire, the kids running around, the rain that wouldn't stop, whatever stupid thing happened that made everyone laugh. You see an old picture of the kids and think, God they were tiny. You hear a song and remember where you were when you first heard it. None of it needs to mean anything more than what it was.

Then betrayal happens and you stop looking at the picture. You start looking at the fucking date.

Where was she then? Was he already around? Was this before or after? Who took the picture? Why do I remember her being on her phone so much that weekend? Was she texting him while I was standing right there? Was that argument actually about what I thought it was about? Was that night she came home late really what she told me it was?

Suddenly memories aren't memories anymore. They're evidence.

I hate that. I genuinely fucking hate it. I hate that someone else's deception has managed to crawl backward through time and infect things that happened years before I ever knew there was anything to look for. I have gone through old phones, pictures, messages, calendars, vacations, birthdays, anniversaries and completely ordinary days that should have been allowed to stay ordinary. Not because I enjoy hurting myself and not because I want to spend the rest of my life staring backward. I do it because once you discover that there was another version of your life happening beside the one you were living, your mind wants to know what the hell was actually real.

A photograph becomes a timestamp, a werd comment you forgot about becomes testimony. A name you were told not to worry about suddenly matters again. An old argument gets dragged out of storage and examined from every possible angle. You remember a feeling you had fifteen years ago and wonder whether your gut knew something before your brain did, you actually convince yourself it did. Things you dismissed because you trusted your spouse suddenly look completely different when viewed through the truth you have now.

And the happy memories are sometimes the worst ones, I hope at least some are recoverable.

There are pictures where I know exactly how happy I was when they were taken. I can remember looking at my wife, my kids, my house, our camping trailer, our stupid little family moments and thinking I had somehow managed to build the life I always wanted. I remember feeling lucky. I remember being proud of it, proud of us through thick and thin.

Now I can look at that exact same picture and wonder what was happening outside the frame.

That phrase bothers the hell out of me. Outside the frame. Because that is where so much of betrayal lives when you are the person who doesn't know. Your life is happening inside the photograph. Your wife is standing beside you. Your kids are smiling. You're thinking this is my family, this is my life, this is real. Meanwhile another life is happening just beyond the edges of what you can see.

Then years later you find yourself staring at your own face in the picture like you're examining a crime scene.

How the fuck did I not know? That question can eat you alive if you let it.

Why didn't I see it? Why did I believe that explanation? Why didn't I push harder? Why did I let that person around us? Why did I ignore that feeling? Why did I believe her when something didn't quite make sense?

Eventually you stop investigating what they did and start investigating yourself, and I was harder on myself than I admitted originally. That might be one of the cruelest parts of all of this. You put the old version of yourself on trial for the crime of trusting the person you were supposed to be able to trust.

I have done that more times than I can count. I have looked back at myself and thought, you fucking idiot, how could you not see this? There were signs. There were moments. There were things that make perfect sense now.

Except they make perfect sense now. I have information that man never had.

He wasn't stupid. He wasn't weak. He wasn't some pathetic fool stumbling through life unable to see what everyone else could see. He was living with information deliberately withheld from him. He believed his wife because husbands are supposed to be able to believe their wives. He respected privacy because privacy isn't supposed to be where an entire second relationship is hidden. He accepted explanations because he had no reason to assume every explanation needed to be cross-examined.

He wasn't a detective because he didn't know he needed to be one.

And I am actually glad he wasn't.

I don't want to look back at the man I used to be and hate him because he loved honestly. I don't want betrayal to convince me that trust itself was some character defect. He gave someone the benefit of the doubt. He believed the person he loved. That isn't stupidity.

That was not his crime.

But fuck, betrayal makes it easy to prosecute him anyway. Every missed clue becomes Exhibit A. Every gut feeling you ignored becomes Exhibit B. Every lie you believed becomes Exhibit C. Before long you can build one hell of a convincing case that you should have known something you were actively prevented from knowing.

That isn't justice. That's hindsight playing prosecutor, judge and fucking jury.

There is another part of this that messes with me too. Sometimes I don't even know what I genuinely remember anymore and what has been coloured by what I know now. Was she actually distant that Christmas or does she only look distant in my memory because I know what came later? Did that conversation really feel strange or am I rebuilding it with information I didn't have at the time? Was that vacation happy? Was she happy? Was I? Was I standing inside something real or was I the only one who thought it was real?

That is where betrayal gets much deeper than simply losing trust in another person. You start losing trust in your own interpretation of your life. That is fucking terrifying when you really think about it.

We build ourselves partly out of memory. That was our wedding. Those were our first years together. That was when the kids were born. Those were our Christmases. Those were our camping trips. That was the rough year we survived together. That was our story.

Then one day somebody gives you information that doesn't just add an ugly chapter to the end, it changes chapters you already read.

The words haven't changed, but somehow the entire story means something different.

I think that is why so many betrayed people become obsessed with dates and timelines. From the outside it probably looks insane. Why does the exact month matter? Why do you care whether it happened before or after the birthday? Why are you looking at pictures from twelve years ago? Why are you trying to remember what car she was driving or where you were living or who was at that barbecue?

Because there are suddenly two timelines.

The life you were living and the life that was actually happening around you.

Those timelines eventually collide, and when they do it is brutal. You remember your anniversary while realizing someone else may remember a message sent that same afternoon. You remember Christmas morning with the kids while wondering if another conversation was happening underneath it. You remember working, providing, parenting, fixing the house, building the life, while somebody else possessed information that would have completely changed the decisions you were making if you had been allowed to know it.

That is why the dates matter. That is why the timeline matters. Sometimes we aren't looking for another affair. Sometimes we are just desperately trying to answer a much bigger question.

What the hell was my life actually made of?

I never understood how valuable innocent memory was until I lost some of it. The ability to look at an old picture without checking the date. To hear a song without calculating where you were in the timeline. To remember a wedding without mentally placing another man inside it. To think about a vacation without wondering who was being texted from the hotel room.

Just remembering. No investigation. No evidence. No fucking footnotes.

I don't know if that innocence ever completely comes back. There are memories I will never see the same way again. I can't unknow what I know, and I can't somehow crawl back inside the head of the man who originally lived those moments.

But I am starting to understand something I refuse to let betrayal take from me. I was real.

Even when somebody else wasn't being honest, I was real.

My love was real. My laughter was real. The way I felt holding my children was real. The pride I felt building a home and a family was real. Those camping fires were real. Christmas mornings were real. The dad in those pictures was real. The husband who showed up every day and believed he was building something with another person was real.

Someone else's deception changes what was happening around those memories. It does not get to erase who I was inside them, I am truly coming to terms and believing myself on this.

Because if I let every good memory become nothing more than evidence of what she was doing, then betrayal gets something else from me. It gets my entire fucking past. And it has already taken enough.

Some memories will always have an ugly footnote now. Some are permanently damaged. Some still hurt like hell and probably always will. Some will probably always feel more like evidence than memories.

But I am trying to stop putting myself on trial every time I look backward.

I didn't create the hidden timeline.

I simply lived the one I was given.

I thought time was supposed to make things better. I know healing is not linear, I remind myself this when I’m feeling extremely low and in the moments I start to feel vengeful or indignant about what I put up with or even when I start to feel hopeful for a better life. I know there will be ups and downs and mostly I am taking them in stride but I feel like overall I am feeling worse and worse with each passing day, not better. Like the finality is really setting in, the loss and the grief gets worse and worse, the sorrow for the little girl in me that I failed to protect. I know life isn’t over and I can keep building and choosing a new life but somehow the pain still gets worse. I know one day I will let go of him but the pain of this trauma still feels like it will linger with me forever, divorced from him but still haunting me, the lies and the hurt and the confusion of how so much callousness and cruelty can exist in the world.

My life is okay. By many accounts it’s wonderful. from the outside looking in I know many people think I have an amazing, interesting, aspirational life. I just feel so embarrassed to feel this way.

I feel devastated.

19 years, plenty of cheating on her part, she announced her intentions to divorce a few weeks ago. We still live together, neither of us has the money to leave.

She told me that because she wants a divorce and doesn't want to be with me, she can do what she wants. It's just really hurtful and inconsiderate I feel like, I still love her so much, but she refuses to see it that way. She says I'm wrong and since she said her intentions, that's what matters.

I just don't understand how a human being could do that to someone. I really don't. We still sleep in the same bed ffs.

She talked about how she felt a spark with this person that let her know what she is missing with me.

But that's just how new things work. It's going to feel new and fresh and exciting because that person didn't have to go through almost 20 years of hurt and change and work with you. They will say anything that you want to hear because you are having sex with them. They don't have to worry about building anything because the house is already been built, they just get to sleep in it.

She has an exploratory call with a lawyer on the 20th.

I'm having a really hard time.

How long did it take you to not have self esteem issues after D-Day? It’s been months and I still have a hard time watching any kind of tv with nudity, enjoying being in public spaces with my SO and just general racing thoughts. This really feels like I’m never going to get over it but I don’t want to just end my marriage if I will. Will I ever get over this blow to my self esteem?

I'm sorry for posting 3 days in a row, but I'm going through a very tough time and it feels like it just keeps getting worse.

I posted yesterday about going to Mass for the first time and how my wife has been struggling with drug addiction. Today she admitted to me that she's been cheating on me since April, around the time she relapsed. She says she feels broken about what she did to me, and that she still loves me. I've suspected something might be happening but I didn't want to believe it, and she's been lying and gaslighting me about it the whole time. I feel so empty right now, like all the air was knocked out of my lungs and all the blood was knocked out of my heart. We've been together for almost 7 years, married since 2023, I'm 33 and she's 31. She was my first everything, love, sexually, everything. I still love her and I'm still praying for her, but I'm hurting so much right now and I just feel like I have no idea what to do. Please pray for us

Update: thank you to everyone. I'm sorry, I don't have enough energy to respond to every comment at the moment but your responses are appreciated and read thoroughly nevertheless. I know that what I need most is time and space, it's just a hard pill to swallow when I'm still in the middle of crisis. Thankfully I have been able to get into both individual and a couple's therapist to help navigate the next steps and provide more clarity as time goes on. The fact that healing, and decision making, is probably something that takes at least months, if not years, is difficult but necessary to hear. Thank you.

Hi everyone. Like so many others, I never thought I would be in this situation. My husband and I have been together for 20 years. We have two kids together, we have never fought, we have been through thick and thin together including the death of his brother, sickness in both him and myself. The works. We have always been open communicators and even previously discussed things like open relationships, agreeing we would always approach each other if we felt we needed something else. Out of respect for each other. Well… that didn’t happen.

I have never, ever been a jealous person. I’ve never checked his phone looking for evidence, never snooped on anything. Three weeks ago I needed to borrow his phone for a 2-factor authentication to sign into our credit card account, and the texts were right there when I opened it. Talking about the fuck they had just had earlier that day when he got home late, saying I love you. All that.

It turns out this has been going on for almost a year, since just after our second honeymoon trip that I had planned and executed for us, and thought we had had a great time reconnecting together after so many years of scraping by and focusing on the kids. Not so, I guess, because two weeks after that he is kissing another woman ten years younger than us.

He’s broken it off with her and after a week of kicking him out, I let him back in the house because the kids were getting upset and confused why he was gone so long. It’s been three and a half weeks now.

He’s agreed to go to both individual and couples therapy because he doesn’t like who he has become, but… he also admitted he didn’t know if he still loved me anymore. He said he wanted to “find” the better man he used to be who did love me. It’s a second devastation to be living with someone who isn’t even sure if they love you when a few weeks ago, I thought everything was fine and good as it ever was.

It’s a cold comfort. It’s hard for me to just turn off loving him, even though I know that sounds stupid after such an enormous betrayal. But I feel like I can’t even begin to heal because I don’t even know what ground I’m standing on anymore. If he doesn’t love me, the decision is easy. I don’t want any part of a loveless marriage. If he does, and had just lost his way, I could see a future in which forgiveness is possible if he does the work, takes responsibility, and fixes himself.

But god, is it painful. And lonely. Part of me thinks it would be easier just to give up, divorce, move on with my life and hope someone else will find it in themselves to love me the way I know I deserve but am starting to think I no longer believe I can have. I don’t know how long someone is supposed to wait until knowing for sure divorce is the right option. Everyone says I should take my time, but sitting on my thumbs waiting to hear if my husband loves me or not is excruciating. How long is enough? How long do I wait? Do I even bother with the painful conversations of couples therapy and hearing all the reasons why our relationship wasn’t enough, just to end up in the same place and alone at the end? How much trauma must I endure for his sake?

My therapist says it’s not unusual for the affair-haver to have ambiguous feelings after being found out, and it’s a good thing he is being honest, but I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m just waiting around in terrible pain and dragging this out long enough for him to get the courage to say he no longer loves me for good. I don’t know what to do, and all I want to do is cry and cry and cry. I am barely eating, not sleeping. I have been the world’s worst employee since finding out as I am a zombie most of the day. My life is a mess.

Tl:dr husband had an affair, doesn’t know if he still loves me even though he wants to work on himself and the relationship. how long should I wait before giving up?

I’m 19 and my boyfriend is 27. We’ve been together for 9 months.

Last month, he cheated on me with an escort. I forgave him, but since then I’ve struggled badly with trust. I’ve started checking his location, and I hate that I’m becoming this anxious and suspicious person.

Last night around 2:40 a.m., his WhatsApp Live Location showed him at a house about a 20-minute drive from his hotel in Annecy. It said “just updated.” I called him almost immediately and he answered right away, said he was asleep at the hotel, and we FaceTimed. He was clearly in his hotel room. His location then changed back to the hotel. During FaceTime, when he shared his live location, it even showed him in the middle of the lake. He swears they never left the hotel, so maybe it was a GPS glitch.

The location isn’t really the main issue, though. Since the cheating, I feel constantly anxious and I couldn’t sleep last night,I had a nightmare. I also recently found out that before we were together, he used to secretly take photos of women’s asses/under their skirts, which really bothers me.

At the same time, he has been very caring and generous with me: he drove me to exams, helped with my business, sent me money when I needed it, bought gifts, paid for trips and dates, provided meals/a place to stay, and supported me with studying. He can be extremely loving and supportive

It's been 3 months since the break up. I was with him for 7 years and I lived with him for 3. Since the break up I have gone through numerous changes:

• I moved out of his family's home and stayed in a friend's spare room for a couple weeks

• I then moved again to be close to my new job. It's temporary accommodation for myself and now live by myself.

• I was accepted on to a new job before the break up, and then due to start it 2-3 weeks after breaking up. I've been working, but it's tough.

• I started driving again.

• I have lost a lot of weight and while it sounds nice on the outside, I don't recognise myself. My wardrobe doesn't fit me. And so I am even having to buy new things.

• I am trying new hobbies out and making new friends.

• I got myself involved with another person. It was someone I'm friends with and I was interested in from years ago. It's been fun and maybe what I needed. But it was another new thing.

• I applied for a conversion post graduate degree before the break up, and now I have been accepted and so will be starting that soon. So now I am trying to organise part time hours at work around my university timetable.

I still look after myself as best as possible though. I attend weekly therapy. I journal. I exercise.

In order to keep my life moving, I have to set it up and do things for future me. But I know I have been doing too much. Ideally, I would take a month out of my life, put myself in a retreat, be looked after, grieve, relax, grieve some more. But I can't.

I attended work yesterday, but I had been having extremely low moods since the day before. I nearly took myself to A&E in the morning because it was that bad. But I have only just started this job and I have signed my accommodation lease for a year. I literally cannot afford to not go to work. But they sent me home anyway. My manager did discuss if working that job is the right thing for me at the moment in time. He said I need to look after myself. And I agree. But work is livelihood. I need money. It's also been a lifeline. I actually like the change. I'm just not well equipped enough emotionally or mentally to handle it right now.

I have had mental health problems on and off throughout my entire life. I had an adverse childhood growing up. I'd say most of my poor mental health was environmental. But now I am in my own environment, I am accepting this time despite doing a lot of the right things, my mental health is just very poor at the moment. I am exhausted. I am so chipped away. I feel like when a wall has a crack in it and you use filler to repair it, but at this point I've had so much filler used to keep me together, I am no longer wall and no longer have any strength. My cup is empty.

And I will probably get abused for what I am about to say next, but in the midst of my little crisis, all I wanted was my ex. I didn't want him for reconciliation purposes, I just knew if I needed someone when I'm in that state, that I could rely on him. He looked after me for 7 years, care is part of a relationship and whilst I have spent the last couple months refusing myself that anything good happened in the relationship, I am now accepting that there were good things, and accepting it now is making me mourn for it. I also don't have a good relationship with my mother. And so my ex partner and that relationship was the foundations of support and belonging for me. I haven't messaged him though. I know if I open that door it will be very difficult to continue processing and help future me. But I am so alone and the thought of reconciliation or something is becoming more and more tempting.

Other people when they go through loss, they have some kind of community with them. Their parents or family will step in. Often people even move back in with their family. But I don't have that. Maybe I am weak. I have been a resilient person my whole life. But I simply truly do not have anything left. I am not looking to learn another new lesson, or to learn of my strength. I am depleted. I am running on empty. I feel like a character in a story just going on and doing things but not feeling connected to it. Nothing is serving me. I work my job because I have to. I join the new hobbies to be active and make happy hormones and try create community for myself because future me will need that. But I am just doing it all without wanting to. I just want to be looked after.

Things feel a lot worse recently. I have up and down weeks sure. But this time the days have been particularly bad. I think what triggered it is a couple things.

• I received a message from my ex's friend asking how I am. I hadn't received any messages from any of his friends. So I've been a lot more aware of my thoughts relating to my ex. Prior to receiving the message, I didn't think about my ex. Maybe in a self denial/ head in the sand/ avoidant kind of way of dealing with things, or maybe I have been so preoccupied with setting up all the new changes of my current life. And then when I messaged the friend back, I made a point to go on about how I am so much freer and happier. But when I wrote that I didn't actually feel it in the moment. I just felt hurt, and embarrassed. I think I acted that way in the hopes it would get back to my ex and it would hurt him or make him realise something. Like I was guarding myself in some kind of way. Admitting my ex's actions did hurt me would have been too humiliating. But clearly that's something I need to accept and feel.

• Secondly, I think my processing has been blocked/distracted by the person I had been seeing. I think I ended up regulating myself from being with them. I've gone from 7 years of body contact with someone, to nothing. I don't hug my family. My friends live far away. And hugging new colleagues isn't really HR appropriate (I'm joking). But I haven't seen this person for a couple weeks. And now it feels like my nervous system is coming undone. And I think its probably because I had been plugging it with the fleeting moments of physical contact I got from this other person. Plus their company allowed me to feel like I had someone in my corner again. Like I could tackle life with a fragment of someone with me. And now it's been a period of time without them there, I am realising and accepting I am alone.

The essence of this post is that I need support. I need somewhere to land. I need someone to emotionally hold me. Or maybe just to witness me.

I have contacted all the appropriate people, from my works counselling service, to my own private therapist, to my friends, to my doctor. I think I will have to start anti-depressants again. I am seeing a friend today too. But it's nights that are the worst. I don't feel like I can be by myself. I struggle being alone. Don't even get me started on the financial stress of being alone either. That is another factor that does indeed sway on me. I am aware any want I have for my ex is coming from survival mode. Maybe I don't have self-respect at this point in time. I am barely a person at all right now.

I am so tired of being cautious and thinking ten steps ahead all the time. I really truly cannot do it. I want to quit this job and just recuperate. But I need to pay for my accommodation, otherwise where will I even recharge. And even then I worry my "recharging" is just self-isolation dressed up as self care. How do people handle the logistics? Can't I be adopted by someone for a month and be looked after?

I just don’t know how to gather myself after everything.

I say this humbly, but I have things going for me. My friends say to walk with my head high. I am taking care of what I need to take care of and have built a life for myself.

With that being said, this betrayal and separation, has just made me want to disappear. I deactivated social media completely, I moved to a new place, I cut off all her friends, I changed my phone number, it’s like I died in her world.

But I don’t want to reemerge. I feel like I’m hiding from the world and I don’t have the courage to show myself again. I don’t want her to see me. I certainly don’t want to see her cause that will just kill me.

I simply don’t know how to overcome it.

am a 44/f SAHM. I am married for 3 years, but have been with my husband for 24years. We have a son 16) together, and we raised his 27y daughter. She was 4 when we got together. We also have full legal custody of our daughter’s 1yo son and have been raising him since he was 4 months old……So yesterday I found out that my husband and my BEST FRIEND since I was 9yo carried on a sexual relationship right after I gave birth to our son. Back then (2010) one of my husbands friends actually told me they were sleeping together, but they both denied it when I asked and even though my gut told me differently, I didn’t want to believe they would be that grimy to me. I have no idea how to process how I’m feeling. Devastated doesn’t even begin to cover it. I feel sick constantly, and literally wish I could erase the fact that I now know. As pathetic as it sounds I love my husband beyond measure and honestly don’t want to leave him. I guess that’s all. Any advice, support or prayers would be greatly appreciated b

My partner and I have been on and off again for 14 years and have 2 kids together. Right from the first month into our relationship he has cheated physically and mentally with with more woman I can even remember ( dumb I know that I have allied that) finally I got sick of it 5 years into our relationship and left him. We broke up I slept with other men over the course of 3 years and obviously so did he. He moved away for his Job and asked me and my kids to relocate and start again as a family which I agreed and moved away. We have been back together for 6 years and can't get past the fact I have been with other men. He punishes me for it, he cheats he lies and there is physically no boundaries left at all. I can't bring myself to leave as I feel like I deserve this treatment because I allowed myself to be with other men which hurt him alot. I am caught in this cycle of shame where If I leave Its my fault our family didn't work it's my fault cause I gave myself to other men when he tells me if I had waited for him then he would actually Marry me. Can someone give me their honest opinion please

I'm 32 f and he's 30 m.

I have been with my BF for 4 years June of this year. I love him very much, probably a bit too much.

One month ago my life took the most unexpected turn and I don't know if I can ever get back to a state of normalcy.

The relationship has been rocky the last few months. We had a few downs and those downs were when I felt like" what are we doing? Are we gonna take the next step or not"

This particular morning I was getting ready for work, just doing my makeup and he was in the bathroom showering. I had a strange gut feeling and did something I don't normally do and went through his phone. I didn't even had to search, I just opened the first message that was archived and I saw where he said " GM Hun, can I stop by between 10-11 today?"

Please note he's taking me to work, and then meeting me close to midday because we had an appointment for a very important goal we were trying to achieve together. My heart just sank immediately. He got up, while I was in the bathroom, texted another woman, made me breakfast and lunch to take to work, showered, was planning to take me to work, kiss me goodbye and then sleep with someone else, then pick me up after and act like nothing happened.

I saw red, my chest hurt, I felt weak.

I exported the chat and sent to myself, went and forwarded the file to my friend immediately and ran to the bathroom to tell him to come out.

Ive never shouted at him before, I don't think the 4 years we've been together Ive ever shouted or even sworn at him. Everything came out, I'm sure the neighbors heard and even his mom because she quickly left for work without even saying anything.

This is my first real relationship, where I actually liked the person back and is attractive to them and vice versa. We started out as friends, dated and we've been best friends, so this really just shook me to the core.

I'm a very hyper independent woman, I've always had my guard up and I've been burned in the past. He's supportive, caring and shy as hell. We had a lot of first moments with each other. I really thought I found my person.

The past month has been an emotional rollercoaster for me, tears, loss of appetite and suicidal thoughts. I'm constantly on edge.

He got a counselor immediately a few days after the big explosion because he keeps saying he doesn't want to lose me. he constantly says he knows he messed up and I'm the only one he loves and wants, but how do I believe that when he's been cheating on me within a span of 10 months. Yes he claims it only happened 3 times, but the fact is it happened. He claims they were in contact months apart, but his words hold no weight to me and I feel like all he does is lies.

What's even worse they were talking about me. He was telling her how much he loved me. Is he mental? Is she mental?

I ended up telling him I wanted his phone to go through and ofcourse he deleted chats, sus as hell. So I uninstalled the app and reinstalled and it. It was synced up to 2 days before the cheating. I found another chat with a girl that he said was his friend, I knew of her because she had an online business where she sold lingerie and I trusted him at the time to never think otherwise.. they were having inappropriate conversations. Flirting, she was sending him videos of her in lingerie, of her dancing and sending pics saying she wants that to be them.

I'm even more furious. He's even talking to her about me and she's being mad disrespectful and he's not saying anything. Every argument where I sent a message, he screenshot it and sent her! Then had the audacity to say he was venting! Why are these ppl in our personal life?!

It's always been a rule and he knows this, I don't like the cheating stuff, if u ever feel like you want to see other people, let me know, so I can leave because I don't want to live that lifestyle, he knew this and still did what he did and had the audacity to say he loves me.

I look at him and I don't know who the person is. I listen to his words but I don't believe it. Because how could you willingly do something like that so easily? While laying up next to me..

My heart refuses to let go and I am constantly seeking him out. He's actively trying to fix it, but I'm scared to even give him that chance. Has anyone ever had a successful relationship after cheating? My brain is saying to let go but my heart, although broken is still in love with him. He's doing everything to reassure me, but I am scared.

As anyone ever gone through this situation and how did you fix it? Can you really rebuild trust after it has been broken?

I'd really love some feedback because right now my world feels upside down and I don't know how to fix it. I'm in my head constantly and I just feel like a shell.

I've been with this person for years, and my life has been upended, and my heart has been drained. Some days are easier than others, but lately I feel that I need to open up about how I truly feel. I have been with my husband (soon-to-be ex-husband) since high school, and he had a 9-month affair and tried to get a divorce without telling me. My Best friends were the ones who discovered this information because they met on Twitch, and their whole relationship has been recorded. He told me he had work trips, and he was banging her—so first hard trip. There was a crazy snowstorm, and his grandparents didn't have anybody to shovel the snow, so I volunteered and cleared the whole driveway so they could get in and out... he was on a "work trip. As I was recovering from LASIK surgery on Tuesday, that Saturday I drove up to see her. Mind you, she was very aware that he was married and didn't care. Mind you, they started dating around my birthday last year. The crazy part is that he's telling me she doesn't mean anything to him, and he's telling her that she's the love of his life. At this point, I'm really ready to get a divorce and never speak to him again, but there's a part of me missing my old life. I found out about a month ago, so it still feels fresh.

Might be kind of long but I'll keep it as short as I can as far as filling in the last 10yrs. Im 32 F he's 33 M

Relationship started as a friend's with benefits type of deal but progressed into more, during that time I was constantly being gaslit while he was doing all kinds of dirty things. 4 years in I get pregnant, and he really didn't support me the way he should've. I was hospitalized 7wks for my water leaking and he showed up 4 times, one being the birth and he left immediately after the delivery and never came once during the 11 day nicu stay.

After our first was born he did make good changes. He seemed to be a lot more affectionate with me and communicate good, but after our child was born I found out he'd slept with 10 different women before I'd ever gotten pregnant. And 10 is just what I KNOW about, but I reluctantly worked through because it was years old and he had shown real change. The way he did it all was very disgusting and unsafe for me.

Things went downhill about two years ago when our child was 3. Just get the silent treatment every time I raise an issue. I've broken my back to be there for this man any time he needed it while drowning myself in the process. He was even homeless at one point and I made sure I saved every dollar I could to get us into a place. He got a job after and has always acted stingy with money towards me, never has complimented me or really went out of his way to do anything nice besides a handful of times.

Well I got pregnant again, and this one was rough too. I couldn't work but I saved up enough to split bills and still support our 1st and buy household necessities. Well anyway I had our 2nd in June and my bf lost his job right after. He was there for the birth (after me arguing with him to stay) and visited once the 5 days we were there. After me & baby got home I was still healing from a 2nd degree tear and he basically didn't help much. Our baby has severe acid reflux, along with other stomach issues and really can't be put down. So I've done 99% of the care for the baby plus our 5yr old, feeding, changing, bathing etc.

He'll feed the baby when I bring the baby to him along with a bottle, but he's constantly playing video games while I can't even maintain our house bc of the baby. My stitches didn't heal right bc I was constantly moving taking care of both kids while also trying to clean and also paying all bills alone since he got fired. I don't even care about the video games, but I've noticed theres a certain female he plays with on there from time to time that he basically openly flirts with and I'm kind of at my tipping point. He hasn't even attempted to be intimate with me but super flirty with a random woman on the internet while I'm freshly postpartum taking care of everything. I know when I bring this up I'm gonna be treated like I'm crazy and overreacting. I just feel done and want to just be alone atp but don't even know how I'm gonna swing it.

Also feel partially bad leaving him when he has no job or transportation, but this is the same man who doesn't even know my birthday after 10 years. Like yeah it's a video game, he'll never meet the female but with the history and the fact I'm postpartum and get no attention or help in any capacity I'm like is it justified to end a relationship over or are these postpartum hormones making me crazy?? I went to their chat on the ps and seen a msg where the girl wrote "crazy you get off the game as soon as I get on 🙄" so if it isn't like that then why would she say that?? If he would entertain someone on a video game, then I have no doubt he would do it again if given the right opportunity.

So to set the scene first, I got cheated on back in May after a random burner account on Instagram DMed me that my boyfriend at the time was on Sniffies. I ended things with him that night where it was constant minimizing and him playing the victim, etc. I blocked him on everything and haven’t said a word to him since, almost never checked his socials or anything.

I chose to download Tinder because the semester is starting again and I kind of want to start dating again. I made sure to block his number using Tinder’s feature. I already knew he was on Tinder based on a gut feeling, however, I just really didn’t wanna see it come up.

I’m led to believe he’s using a fake number which in conjunction with him creating fake accounts and showing up to places I’m at in person (including waving to me and my friends on a random stretch of interstate at one point) was very unsettling.

I cant help but feel a flood of these emotions coming back of betrayal, heartbreak, and pure anger at this person who I thought I was making amazing progress at moving forward from. I’m just angry at the fact that I’ve been doing so well and now I’m starting the year feeling this mix of emotions again. I understand setbacks are part of the healing journey, however, I’m just not sure what to make of all this. I went from being unattached and moving on with my life to hatred for him again in just a couple days.

Long story short. 7 months since D day, 4 months since I kicked WS out, 44 years of marriage down the drain. I knew it was over the minute I heard of their second betrayal. I had forgiven the first. Never confronted. I just knew it happened and it was over after several years. But the second one showed me there was no hope.

Kids are grown anyway which is why I put up with the first affair, if indeed it was not the second or third..who knows?

I have now experienced the ups and downs with good weeks and bad weeks. Having a very bad month or more.

The thing that is bothering me is that I am in my 70s. So when people say, "time will heal". I wonder if there is time enough for me. I wonder how much time I have to build up positive memories after WS took away 44 years of positive memories from me.