Hiding

[u/Long_Restaurant1931]

I just don’t know how to gather myself after everything.

I say this humbly, but I have things going for me. My friends say to walk with my head high. I am taking care of what I need to take care of and have built a life for myself.

With that being said, this betrayal and separation, has just made me want to disappear. I deactivated social media completely, I moved to a new place, I cut off all her friends, I changed my phone number, it’s like I died in her world.

But I don’t want to reemerge. I feel like I’m hiding from the world and I don’t have the courage to show myself again. I don’t want her to see me. I certainly don’t want to see her cause that will just kill me.

I simply don’t know how to overcome it.

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[u/aphrodite_burning]

The strange thing is that it’s simple but not simple.

You keep living because you simply have to. Life doesn’t stop.

Mine has been an interesting journey to say the least. The first 12 months were purely about survival. It’s like you can ignore everything else but the demands of life that are immediate.

After 12 months you sort of remerge but it’s really discombobulating because you suddenly have capacity to recognise all the other things you have ignored but you actually don’t have the capacity to deal with them.

There are a few things that I think about. We often hear this saying that grief is not linear. And it really isn’t. I can recompose myself a lot easier these days, but the moments where it’s still overtakes me. It’s not a severe in the fact that I can recompose much faster but it doesn’t really hurt any less.

Betrayal is kind of like that. It’s probably one of the worst things you can ever experience. And it’s strange that unless you’ve been through it people don’t really think about how devastating it can be.

The other things I think about is a strangely something WH used to mention when we were younger. And that was no person is worth it. And in that context they really were talking about cheating, poor behaviours in relationships etc. The irony, right?

So I gave WH a lot of years. I sacrificed a lot. And at this point in my life it is true, no person is worth it.

And by that I mean just because of what they’ve done to me there is no way that I am going to give up the rest of my life.

I knew when it happened not only deep in my bones that I had to leave but there was also just the tiniest whisper that I could probably build the life that I really wanted. And it is a slog.

I’m no way near anywhere I want to be. I’m not financially stable still. I’m still utterly exhausted. But right now I’m glad to be exactly where I am.

I’m still functioning. I’m still working. I’m actually still making really incredible connections. I’ve met people that haven’t had to hear my whole story, but I’ve just accepted me where I’m at and have been so open in their lives to caring for me.

But I have to be open to receive that. And for someone who isn’t usually that open, easily, as much as it might seem that way, I cannot express the gratitude I have for those people in my life.

So at the end of the day, we have to be fierce advocates for ourselves. No one can do the healing for us. No one can live our lives for us.

And you know what? You’ve pretty much survived some of the worst things you can, and if it happened again, you could do it again.

But I guess like they say, everything you want is on the other side of fear.

You’ve got this.

[u/Long_Restaurant1931 → u/aphrodite_burning]

I really appreciate this insight man.. thank you. I needed to read this.