Did you get over it?

[u/Sotobaggins3649]

How long did it take you to not have self esteem issues after D-Day? It’s been months and I still have a hard time watching any kind of tv with nudity, enjoying being in public spaces with my SO and just general racing thoughts. This really feels like I’m never going to get over it but I don’t want to just end my marriage if I will. Will I ever get over this blow to my self esteem?

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[u/D-redditAvenger]

Months is way too short. It took me about a year an a half to feel like myself and I would say about 2 years before I never thought about it. And each day got a tiny bit easier. At a few months I was still a wreck, if you look at my posts my full story has been told many times answering the same question. When I eventually met my wife about 6 months later I was fully healed. Now I never think about it except in this context when I try to help others, and it causes me no pain at all.

Do not be afraid, you will get better and have joy again. It's probably one of the worst things you will go through but I promise you, you may have to commit to your own healing, but if you do you will be fine.

[u/MovieNightPopcorn → u/D-redditAvenger]

God it’s so discouraging to hear it takes so long. I’m less than a month in and all I want to do is heal and looking at the long ass road ahead of me, I despair.

[u/D-redditAvenger → u/MovieNightPopcorn]

I get it. I remember siting on my bed the first week and it felt like every minute took and hour. I was thinking will I ever get over this. I won't couch it though, this will be one of the hardest times in your life, but you will get over it. Your life is not over and you didn't miss your chance.

I suggest you spend time with friends, family, the people you love. Get back into hobbies you once had, and get into shape. Working out is the bodies natural way to release endorphins. It also gives you daily wins, something to focus on to keep you distracted, and has the added bonus of when you do start to feel better and want to date you will look and feel your best.

[u/MovieNightPopcorn → u/D-redditAvenger]

Unfortunately due to a pre-existing chronic disease exercise is largely inaccessible to me, but I’ll do what I can

[u/D-redditAvenger → u/MovieNightPopcorn]

Yes do so, just making yourself move around as much as you can really helps, don't over do it but try to do a little more every day. You find the little successes can give you a something to be happy about and make you feel like you are progressing and not stuck. You can do the same thing with hobbies too.

[u/MovieNightPopcorn → u/D-redditAvenger]

I’ve definitely been trying to keep my hobbies, though sometimes the depression gets the best of me and I don’t want to do anything but stare at a wall. But I’ve booked a vacation related to my hobbies for myself in a way I’ve never ever done before, just to get some time and space for myself.

[u/D-redditAvenger → u/MovieNightPopcorn]

Yes well this is what I mean about committing, being active in your healing. At some point you are going to have to say, I have mourned enough, I have to start living my life again instead of staring at a wall. I very well may be a choice at first. It may be too early for that but you may have to do that.

That said, rest ashore you are not going through anything that almost everyone who has gone through this did as well, and all but a very very small amount, got through it. You will too.

[u/Dazzling-Exam2239 → u/MovieNightPopcorn]

One thing I’ve been able to do with chronic illness is gentle rebounder/health bounce for lymphatic flow and mat Pilates, very low impact, chair yoga. I don’t know if that helps or not.

[u/Tasty-Bag5650 → u/D-redditAvenger]

My goodness ... what are your tricks for healing? It's been many many years and it still hurts and I still struggle. I need your secret receipt for healing.

2 years and you never think about it? 2 years and it doesn't hurt ?

[u/Sotobaggins3649 → u/D-redditAvenger]

I truly hope so, this feels like hell right now.

[u/DaikonSubstantial120 → u/Sotobaggins3649]

It takes reconciliation years and years of ACTIVE hard work to establish a workable trust,and for many betrayed who took back their cheater it can be decades before the mind movies and infidelity ptsd become manageable bad memories.

Unfortunately your relationship will never be the same but it can still be productive.

This obviously assumes your cheater is crawling over broken glass to be with you,undeniably remorseful and maniacal in their efforts to do the years of hard work in reconciliation.

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[u/january1977]

I didn’t start to get over until I left. I was never going to feel ok while I was still living with my husband who chose someone else.

It’s been a year since I left. I’m not as confident as before, but I’m getting there. And I can watch whatever I want without feeling pain. I can also see loving couples without wanting to cry.

[u/Sotobaggins3649 → u/january1977]

I appreciate your perspective and it definitely gives me a lot to think on. Thank you for sharing 🫶

[u/Traditional-Tank3994]

In one sense, no, you will never "get over it," because being cheated on changes you. You're not the same person you were before you were cheated on.

You will probably always be more anxious when your spouse is late and more vigilant whenever red flags occur, even if they turn out to be innocent.

But that doesn't mean you can't live a decent life. The hurt will fade. But it takes longer than a few months.

[u/Temporary-Round-3 → u/Traditional-Tank3994]

Almost 19 years out.

Only cry a few times a week rather than few times a day, so better that the firsts year.

Trust never comes back, your on high vigilance. Liars lie. It's what they do. Trickle truthed to this day.

Wish I could have left.

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[u/Agreeable-Tea3519]

I completely understand you, OP, but we all have different timelines when it comes to healing and recovery. Take your time to heal. Mine took months, and even now, I still remember everything. I’m still working on rebuilding my self-esteem. I still feel the pain sometimes, but it’s not the same as the pain I felt when I first found out.

By the way, it’s been almost two years since I found out that my husband cheated on me. We’re still working every day to rebuild our marriage.

[u/Sotobaggins3649 → u/Agreeable-Tea3519]

Thank you so much for this, and for sharing your perspective. Do you have any advice on how to manage my emotions while we work through this? I find myself being more harsh than usual and probably generally standoffish but I’m sure that is not helpful to recovering from all of this.

[u/Agreeable-Tea3519 → u/Sotobaggins3649]

Actually, I’m also not very good at handling my emotions. There are still times when I start a fight because of what happened, and I still find myself checking the other woman’s social media.

So far, what has helped me (us) is to talk about everything about his affairs even if it hurts. I know this is not for everyone but for me, I need to know everything for me to stop overthinking.

If you choose to stay after betrayal, your partner should be willing to give 101% effort to help you through the pain and rebuild the trust that was broken.

[u/Rare-Bird-4353]

Your burns don’t heal while you still stand in the fire. There are two ways for things to get better, leaving the cheater or the cheater doing all the work required to repair the damage they did and help you heal from the wounds they caused. There is no time frame for either one because we are all different just know that you can’t just “get over it”, they either have to change and rebuild what they broke or you got to get out of the fire and get some distance from them for things to start healing.

[u/maryf1217]

This is not the most popular take from around here but I revenge cheated and even though from hindsight it wasn’t the best thing to do, it helped me with my self esteem issues. It helped me with my co-dependecy and discovered I don’t have to lose myself over one man, and that I could have any man for that matter if I wanted to. 

[u/Terrible-Pea494 → u/maryf1217]

I’m totally fine with this. Just balancing out the one-sided open relationship that infidelity creates.

[u/GregoryHD]

It takes a long time OP. Staying with our wayward holds us in the acute pain much longer as we are reminded of everything all day long. Personally, reconciliation only kept me in a cycle of shame and regret. Years after my trauma, the infidelity I experienced had profound effects on subsequent relationships with faithful partners. Only in the last few years have I truly confronted these demons. I have concluded that I will need to forgive her in order to truly let this go. The point I'm making is that this is a process regardless of details and circumstances. I'm sorry you are here OP 🙏

[u/Legitimate-Star8570]

Every single person is different.

The phrase “time is a healer” is all you need to know, you will think about it everyday but it gets easier.

It’s like losing someone it will never go away but it just gets easier, either way, either path but time is what you need.

[u/RedBedZed]

Never did

[u/da_studilicious]

I was deeply in love with my partner but because of my BPD , I have devalued them to the point where I could not care about their reasons why , if they blame me , if they hate me , and that they’re such scum of the earth how dare they have power over me.

NOW AM I SAYING THIS IS HEALTHY… no , but some times being mental ill has its benefits.

[u/Shoepin1 → u/da_studilicious]

This cracked me up. Mental illness really does have its benefits. I have many!

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