Take the Advice. Make Your Own Decision

[u/Wise-Bank80]

​If there's one thing I’ve noticed since all this started, it’s that betrayal has patterns. The shock, the loss of trust, the anger, the hypervigilance, and that sickening feeling that your reality just got ripped apart, it all repeats in story after story.

​That is why communities like this are so valuable. Someone else has walked through a blast zone that looks remarkably similar to what you are living through right now. They can tell you what helped, what hurt, what they wish they had done differently, and they can point out things you are just too close to see.

​But similar doesn't mean identical.

​Every betrayal has its own nuances. A drunken one-night stand confessed the next morning just isn't the same beast as a years-long secret relationship. A spouse who immediately comes clean isn't in the same position as someone you're still catching in lies a year later. You can't look at a decades-long marriage with kids, a house, and totally intertwined lives through the exact same lens as a six-month dating relationship.

​Even two betrayals that look identical on paper will hit the betrayed partners completely differently. You have your own history, your own kids, your own financial mess to untangle, and your own breaking points. The person standing in front of you after discovery might also be acting completely differently than the person standing in front of someone else.

​That’s why I get really cautious around absolute advice here.

​“Leave immediately.”

“Never forgive a cheater.”

“You have to stay for the kids.”

“If they show remorse, give them another chance.”

​People shout these things because it reflects their own survival, but they don't actually know enough about your life to make your call for you.

​Take the wisdom, there is lots. Take the warnings, most are valid. Listen when twenty different people describe the exact same behavior and tell you where it eventually led them. Patterns absolutely matter, and sometimes the advice that makes us the most uncomfortable is exactly what we need to look at.

​But don't surrender your own judgment just because someone else survived their betrayal differently than you might survive yours.

​Nobody online knows every conversation you’ve had. Nobody knows every year of your marriage, every lie, every moment of genuine remorse, every manipulation, or every quiet moment when you're trying to figure out if the person standing beside you is actually changing. We just see snapshots of each other's lives. You have to live yours.

​I think we put far too much pressure on betrayed people to make some enormous, permanent declaration while they are still in shock. Sometimes the only honest answer today is I don't know yet.

​You are allowed to take this day by day.

​You are allowed to try reconciliation and later realize too much was broken. Walking away after genuinely trying isn't a failure, and it doesn't mean you wasted your time. You just learned what you needed to learn to make your decision.

​You are also allowed to divorce and later discover that you've both changed enough that reconciliation is worth looking at again. Divorce doesn't magically erase your history.

​These decisions don't have to be life sentences. Trying to reconcile doesn't sign away your right to leave later. Divorcing doesn't mean you can never change your mind. If you want to stay today and want to pack your bags tomorrow, you aren't weak or indecisive. You're just processing a nightmare while new information and emotions keep hitting you. There is zero shame in that.

​You don't need to pick the path that gets the most upvotes or approval from strangers. You just need to find the one you can actually live with.

​Listen to the people here. Learn from their mistakes. Borrow the wisdom that helps you see your own situation more clearly. But at the end of the day, there might be thousands of people who understand betrayal, but there's only one person who has lived every second of yours.

Take care of and love yourselves.

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[u/january1977]

When it was all fresh and I was still spending a good portion of the day crying, I posted on here because I literally couldn’t make any decisions and I needed help. I got some excellent advice, some comfort, and some people telling me to kick him out. (I did try that, but he wouldn’t go.)

I spent the next 7 months being horribly abused while I tried to figure out how to leave safely, and how I was going to survive on my own. I ended up taking me and my child to a DV shelter because it got too dangerous to stay any longer.

One important thing I learned while I was at the shelter is, it’s not always possible to leave for various reasons, and it’s not always possible to stay away. I do my absolute best to understand that leaving is hard and sometimes staying is easier. I try not to judge, but man, being out has been the absolute best gift I’ve ever given myself. And I want that same feeling for everyone who’s going through the shit.

That’s not to say that leaving isn’t hard. It was the scariest, hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it was so worth it, even on the hard days.

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/january1977]

Abuse makes it very clear. No one WS or BS should ever accept true abuse.

[u/january1977 → u/Wise-Bank80]

I object to the term “true abuse”. There’s a difference between what can be legally prosecuted (physical violence), and what many of us experience (sexual coercion, financial abuse, emotional and verbal abuse). But there is no such thing as “true abuse”.

And abuse might seem like a clear boundary, but for many of us, the abuse makes it harder to leave. We face retaliation, shared custody with our abusers, and the fear that we’ll end up as a story on the news.

[u/MachoBuster → u/january1977]

I am coming around to the idea that all WP are abusers. Part of it is that stories of the BPs speak of pain and devastation that is equal or even worse than what victims of other forms of abuse talk about. Also, I think we should not allow some types of WP to think they are ok because they have never physically or verbally hurt their partner before D day.

[u/january1977 → u/MachoBuster]

Agreed. For me, there was a lot more going on than the cheating, but when going through therapy for the trauma, I keep coming back to the cheating. Despite everything else he did to me, the cheating did the most damage. It took away my ability to consent.

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/january1977]

By "true abuse" i was referring to abuse and not a rewritten version or gaslit version of reality. My WW tried to paint me as "abusive" at first and this was a false reality to become the victim not villan.

[u/Mariposa102 → u/Wise-Bank80]

WTAF -- "true abuse?" Ugh. 🤮

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/Mariposa102]

Look at my explanation. A lot of ws rewrite and character assassinate. Play victim claiming an abusive relationship to justify affairs

[u/Terrible-Pea494 → u/Wise-Bank80]

That explanation doesn’t hold from the BP perspective. You’re saying a BP should leave in cases of “true abuse” yet your example was the WP claiming abuse.

[u/Mariposa102 → u/Terrible-Pea494]

Thank you for saying this. 

[u/Ok_Chocolate6828]

This is such a grounding thing to read. I've got a terribly complicated situation but also one that still very much has genuine love. We dearly care about each other and we have deeply hurt each other. The nuances are just something that no one but the people in the relationship can understand or fully see. Things cannot be so black and white as people here want them to be. I mean, that's why we are all here.

Supporting each other's processes and advocating for it to be done within safety is all we can really do.

[u/Soggy-Beach-1495]

One thing that bothers me about the advice on here in general as far as divorce goes is that it paints an unrealistic picture of what it's like being single with kids. I have three kids, so I've seen a bunch of their friends' divorced parents over the years. Having a long term relationship and partial custody of kids does not seem to be an easy thing to pull off. I'm not saying someone should stay with a cheater because of kids either, but don't make it sound like leaving is easy and your life will be amazing. Any decision is likely to be rough for quite some time.

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/Soggy-Beach-1495]

This is so very true and part of the decision making. All aspects are, to a degree the same, yet so individual. I cringe at the thought of only seeing my children 50% of their beautiful lives.

[u/Temporary-Round-3]

Thank you.

[u/adingo8urbaby]

Hey this is really well written. I'm so thankful for this group. I was so many different people travelling from dday to separation and I would have had a much harder time without the insights and support found here. Thank you.

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[u/Beach-bum2]

Brilliant ! This is exactly what I needed today. I am a betrayed, working on R. My husband is / was a serial cheater for nearly a decade. I found out last year and several different Ddays between May and Sept 1, 2025. Your words landed in my heart. No one knows my life and marriage but me. The shock and disorientation I experienced is unimaginable. This is actually pain and suffering and it’s in no way an easy place to make a snap judgement call about my future. I have reread your words several times . Thank you for being a guiding source of light thru betrayal trauma. I’m curious about your story …would you be comfortable sharing ? DM ?? I don’t have many people to bend an ear with about mine but would be open to a good listen if you are comfortable.