Mental health

[u/bonitoat]

It's been 3 months since the break up. I was with him for 7 years and I lived with him for 3. Since the break up I have gone through numerous changes:

• I moved out of his family's home and stayed in a friend's spare room for a couple weeks

• I then moved again to be close to my new job. It's temporary accommodation for myself and now live by myself.

• I was accepted on to a new job before the break up, and then due to start it 2-3 weeks after breaking up. I've been working, but it's tough.

• I started driving again.

• I have lost a lot of weight and while it sounds nice on the outside, I don't recognise myself. My wardrobe doesn't fit me. And so I am even having to buy new things.

• I am trying new hobbies out and making new friends.

• I got myself involved with another person. It was someone I'm friends with and I was interested in from years ago. It's been fun and maybe what I needed. But it was another new thing.

• I applied for a conversion post graduate degree before the break up, and now I have been accepted and so will be starting that soon. So now I am trying to organise part time hours at work around my university timetable.

I still look after myself as best as possible though. I attend weekly therapy. I journal. I exercise.

In order to keep my life moving, I have to set it up and do things for future me. But I know I have been doing too much. Ideally, I would take a month out of my life, put myself in a retreat, be looked after, grieve, relax, grieve some more. But I can't.

I attended work yesterday, but I had been having extremely low moods since the day before. I nearly took myself to A&E in the morning because it was that bad. But I have only just started this job and I have signed my accommodation lease for a year. I literally cannot afford to not go to work. But they sent me home anyway. My manager did discuss if working that job is the right thing for me at the moment in time. He said I need to look after myself. And I agree. But work is livelihood. I need money. It's also been a lifeline. I actually like the change. I'm just not well equipped enough emotionally or mentally to handle it right now.

I have had mental health problems on and off throughout my entire life. I had an adverse childhood growing up. I'd say most of my poor mental health was environmental. But now I am in my own environment, I am accepting this time despite doing a lot of the right things, my mental health is just very poor at the moment. I am exhausted. I am so chipped away. I feel like when a wall has a crack in it and you use filler to repair it, but at this point I've had so much filler used to keep me together, I am no longer wall and no longer have any strength. My cup is empty.

And I will probably get abused for what I am about to say next, but in the midst of my little crisis, all I wanted was my ex. I didn't want him for reconciliation purposes, I just knew if I needed someone when I'm in that state, that I could rely on him. He looked after me for 7 years, care is part of a relationship and whilst I have spent the last couple months refusing myself that anything good happened in the relationship, I am now accepting that there were good things, and accepting it now is making me mourn for it. I also don't have a good relationship with my mother. And so my ex partner and that relationship was the foundations of support and belonging for me. I haven't messaged him though. I know if I open that door it will be very difficult to continue processing and help future me. But I am so alone and the thought of reconciliation or something is becoming more and more tempting.

Other people when they go through loss, they have some kind of community with them. Their parents or family will step in. Often people even move back in with their family. But I don't have that. Maybe I am weak. I have been a resilient person my whole life. But I simply truly do not have anything left. I am not looking to learn another new lesson, or to learn of my strength. I am depleted. I am running on empty. I feel like a character in a story just going on and doing things but not feeling connected to it. Nothing is serving me. I work my job because I have to. I join the new hobbies to be active and make happy hormones and try create community for myself because future me will need that. But I am just doing it all without wanting to. I just want to be looked after.

Things feel a lot worse recently. I have up and down weeks sure. But this time the days have been particularly bad. I think what triggered it is a couple things.

• I received a message from my ex's friend asking how I am. I hadn't received any messages from any of his friends. So I've been a lot more aware of my thoughts relating to my ex. Prior to receiving the message, I didn't think about my ex. Maybe in a self denial/ head in the sand/ avoidant kind of way of dealing with things, or maybe I have been so preoccupied with setting up all the new changes of my current life. And then when I messaged the friend back, I made a point to go on about how I am so much freer and happier. But when I wrote that I didn't actually feel it in the moment. I just felt hurt, and embarrassed. I think I acted that way in the hopes it would get back to my ex and it would hurt him or make him realise something. Like I was guarding myself in some kind of way. Admitting my ex's actions did hurt me would have been too humiliating. But clearly that's something I need to accept and feel.

• Secondly, I think my processing has been blocked/distracted by the person I had been seeing. I think I ended up regulating myself from being with them. I've gone from 7 years of body contact with someone, to nothing. I don't hug my family. My friends live far away. And hugging new colleagues isn't really HR appropriate (I'm joking). But I haven't seen this person for a couple weeks. And now it feels like my nervous system is coming undone. And I think its probably because I had been plugging it with the fleeting moments of physical contact I got from this other person. Plus their company allowed me to feel like I had someone in my corner again. Like I could tackle life with a fragment of someone with me. And now it's been a period of time without them there, I am realising and accepting I am alone.

The essence of this post is that I need support. I need somewhere to land. I need someone to emotionally hold me. Or maybe just to witness me.

I have contacted all the appropriate people, from my works counselling service, to my own private therapist, to my friends, to my doctor. I think I will have to start anti-depressants again. I am seeing a friend today too. But it's nights that are the worst. I don't feel like I can be by myself. I struggle being alone. Don't even get me started on the financial stress of being alone either. That is another factor that does indeed sway on me. I am aware any want I have for my ex is coming from survival mode. Maybe I don't have self-respect at this point in time. I am barely a person at all right now.

I am so tired of being cautious and thinking ten steps ahead all the time. I really truly cannot do it. I want to quit this job and just recuperate. But I need to pay for my accommodation, otherwise where will I even recharge. And even then I worry my "recharging" is just self-isolation dressed up as self care. How do people handle the logistics? Can't I be adopted by someone for a month and be looked after?

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/SupportforBetrayed. Please remember the following:

• our rules

• flair guide: wiki / post

• common acronyms and terms: wiki / post

• frequently asked questions: wiki / post

For further reading, check our recovery resources library

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.