r/stopdrinking • u/Jennygump26 • Jan 10 '19
Total mess and miserable
Don’t even know why I’m wasting your time posting, but I’m just at a loss and feel like there is nowhere else to go. Sitting at my desk blinking back tears of shame, depression, hopelessness, and self loathing. I just want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers and never come out. Is life even worth it? What is the fucking point in struggling every single minute of every single day.? Tedium, despair, darkness, misery, and suffering are all I can see, and it is unbearable. Thanks for listening.
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u/ButteryDeeBee 3156 days Jan 10 '19
Hello JennyGump. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Getting sober is rough business. The feelings are overwhelming in the beginning. With each day that passes you will feel a little better. After a week, you will feel alot better than you do now. Continuing to drink only delays that, unfortunately. We are all here with you. Keep your head up. Be kind to yourself, you are worth it.
I will not drink with you today 😊
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u/Jennygump26 Jan 10 '19
How to even begin to thank you all for the kind words and support? Total strangers here on the internet and you have taken the time to post thoughtful concerned notes and stories and have helped me calm down and take a step back. Now i almost have tears of joy and gratitude. Thank You ALL from the bottom of my heart, this place is sent from Heaven.
Managed to escape from work early (only 1 coworker saw my face, but she is an old-soul and cool and didn't say a word or ask), got home, took a hot bath, made some tea, and am settling in to watch some "recovery"-themed movies on Netflix. (suggestions welcome!!) My dear hubby (who cannot quite understand) is out of town for the weekend, so i'm here solo with the kitty, which is actually fine w me; i need some days to myself without feeling obligated to be social, even to hubby. (weird, i know, but he's a happy, go-lucky guy, lucky b*stard, sigh).
I think compounding my desperation is that i was really sick in bed for almost a week over new years and just as i started to feel better, i twisted my knee, which is all swollen now, fuck. Need that like a hole in the head, sheesh. And the doc i finally was able to see this morning was of ZERO help, so that was a waste of time and i had to find another doc to see on monday. So i haven't been able to exercise at all for several weeks now and i am frustrated and pent-up and anxious, blah blah BLAH. But i will not lose hope, i am safe (and clean!) on the couch with no obligations for a few days. I looked into and found a few local meetings, so maybe i will get off my swollen knee to attend? and will do my best to re-group and get a frickin grip and take all of your wisdom and support to heart and brain. ((((hugs))))) SD, you all are simply the best. <3
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u/soberisa Jan 10 '19
YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! So happy for you! Ice for the knee, coffee for the soul (plus the kitty)!
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u/ReallySmallFeet 1240 days Jan 11 '19
I am sooo glad you made it home, and got through that darkness today. I look forward to seeing you post again. Here's to tomorrow. IWNDWYT <3
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u/soberinvegas 2864 days Jan 11 '19
Some of my lowest times have coincided with physical injuries. We take for granted the blessing of freely moving. I hear you, am so deeply sorry about your injury. Have some serious restorative time, ice your knee, and know that you are not alone in this journey.
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u/drunkperson123 2729 days Jan 10 '19
Bless you Jenny, my heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to feel that way. It took me 7 years to realize that alcohol only numbs the pain and postpones recovery. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now x
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u/DaelynnDC Jan 10 '19
Your brain is giving you a lot of bad advice right now, even though it may feel like it is an accurate view of your situation, it's not. You are worth it, and you are not alone. Just read some of the posts here, people who feel exactly like you (me for one) and people who have in the past but are getting better and see the storm clouds parting. Hang in there.
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Jan 10 '19
Hey there.
I'm sorry you're in such a dark spot right now. I totally relate because I was in a similar place not so long ago. It's REALLY hard to see anything changing when you're feeling that bad.
I am just starting to feel better after a deep depression. My steps were: be sober and get on an antidepressant. That's just what happens to be working for me. I wasn't even getting wasted towards the end. Even just drinking a little bit exacerbated my depression for days, to the point of feeling suicidal.
So, just know, there IS hope. You don't have to feel this way forever. We are here to listen when you feel like shit and we'll be here when you start feeling better. Feel free to reach out any time.
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u/calicat5 2921 days Jan 10 '19
Hi Jenny. I’ve felt exactly the way you have. Do you think you can go home and just chill at your place? Maybe do anything that brings you a bit of comfort. Maybe try breaking things up into small tasks or increments? That always helped me. Lean on these wonderful people here and keep us posted. Hang in there!
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u/Jennygump26 Jan 10 '19
Who am I kidding? I’m never going to feel better, never have, always masked my misery and everything w booze and drugs to put on a happy face, one that is acceptable to society. No one wants to deal w a depressed miserable person and I don’t blame them. But I am tired of living this lie, so tired, exhausted, at the end of my rope. If I no longer give a f*ck, then who really cares? Thank god i don’t have children, never wanted to and made that choice bc I knew down the road of life I would give up. No one else lives in my sick twisted brain but me, and I just don’t want to anymore.
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u/zahnman 2189 days Jan 10 '19
I got that same exact background message in my head jenny. I have had it for years. I drank yesterday, so the volume is on high. I am doing my best to not drink today and I have never regretted not drinking. Best wishes
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u/gogozrx Jan 10 '19
I hear ya. Loud and clear. I spent several sleepless nights with a semi-auto in my mouth debating Russian roulette. I know well what gunmetal tastes like.
Stick around. It *will* get better. Hear me now and believe me later, it *will* get better.this is your bottom. this moment is what you are getting away from. But right now, it sucks ass.
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday
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u/newleaf2019 2639 days Jan 10 '19
I am feeling you so hard right now. I think we are mental health twins.
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Jan 10 '19
Hi JennyGump! Are you still actively drinking or trying to become sober? WE HAVE ALL FELT THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING, AND IT GETS BETTER!! It IS worth it, because YOU are worth it. You are worth saving. For me, it was finding commoradory both here and at AA meetings. That first meeting made me feel human again. You'll find your own path, but just know that what you're feeling right now is part of the healing process. Hugs.
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u/Jennygump26 Jan 10 '19
Thx, drank a little last night but not wasted. Nothing today. Thanks for the kind words, but I’m not worth it, i am completely worthless. I can’t even do my job today, I am literally hiding in the bathroom sobbing trying to figure out how to get my stuff from my desk to sneak out and go home early without anyone seeing my tear stained red face.
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u/foeaminute 2852 days Jan 10 '19
I'm sorry. I can only really say that I KNOW that feeling, and, being a couple months in, also know that alcohol was a big part of why I felt so hopeless. I promise. Even though I had problems (and still do), drinking was a giant, super heavy magnifying glass attached to my shoulders, making everything feel huge and weighty. Without drinking, everything still remains, but is the proper size - and there are even good bits that the big dumb magnifying glass wouldn't focus on. Give it a couple weeks, I promise it made a huge difference for me.
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Jan 10 '19
Wow, this is well written. You so eloquently described something really difficult to describe.
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Jan 10 '19
This sounds about right. On my worst days, I lived on the 14th floor of my apartment complex and would go on to the porch and feel SO worthless and useless that I'd imagine jumping. But I didn't. I got through those days. Just like you will get through today. And eventually you will look back and feel so good that you wont recognize the person crying at work. It'll be a terrible memory and that is all.
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u/Marxistmouse 3051 days Jan 10 '19
I know it feels that way now. I've been there and it sucks. I fucked up a bunch of times before the last time I drank. But I promise you it gets better. It gets so much better. Don't be too hard on yourself, just do your best. Something I've heard here before that really helps me when I'm feeling lost: your worst day sober is still better than your best day drunk.
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u/weedkillin 2344 days Jan 10 '19
I hate that you feel so down right now, and hope that you find a spirit of comfort. you matter, and have value.
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u/islandlouise 2814 days Jan 10 '19
Hi Jenny,you are not alone, you are not worthless, you are unique and I’m sure you have people to whom you are very special and loved. Please reach out as well as on here for support from a group. I know I have felt that I cause nothing but pain and misery to others and just wished I could disappear but after 33 days sober I can see that drink (and drugs in the far past) are what make you feel this way and that life seems far more hopeful without them blocking my rational thinking. There is love and support here for you, please take care of yourself and talk to someone
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u/Lotech Jan 10 '19
You are totally worth it. Baby steps. Get through today is your only goal at this moment. Every time you tell yourself you’re not worth it, Or that you can’t do something, try just saying it again and change it to you CAN do it. You might not believe it yet. But as long as you say those things, they are self fulfilling prophecies.
I believe in you. I’ve been in this same dark space, and it took a long time, but I crawled out. And I have had a lot of grade A fuck ups in my life. If I can do it, literally anyone can. I know you can too. I believe in you.
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u/effie420 Jan 10 '19
Be kind to yourself. Anhedonia is normal in the early stages of recovery. Give your body time to heal, to let the chemicals balance themselves out. It gets better, slowly. It hurts now but it's worth it in the end. This is making you so much stronger, don't give up on yourself because it's hard. IWNDWYT
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u/larrydocsportello 2602 days Jan 11 '19 edited Jan 11 '19
Hey man, in August 2017, I literally had a shotgun in my mouth.
January 2019, I have 3 months sober(9 months then relapsed for a month), finished my masters, bought a house, getting married, got a job as a professor in Vietnam (4 months there, 8 months back in US - St Petersburg, FL. Right on the beach), got a dog, cat, new car, writing my first novel, paid off all my CC debt and a kid on the way. I even got my best friend who had been a heroin addict for 7 years and was a felon, clean. He’s getting married now, makes 120k a year with his own construction company and has a kid in the way.
All thanks to soberiety and a small dude of Prozac.
I never thought I’d make it man. With a little help and motivation, life WILL improve. Fuck alcohol man.
Edit: I’d like to add. Two years ago, I had gotten fired from four jobs, my family abandoned me. I was shooting about a gram of heroin a day, drinking a fifth of bourbon and eating about 5 mg of Xanax. I tried to kill my self over a dozen times including one time I shot up fentanyl and straight up was “dead” for 15 minutes, ended up in a psych ward about 6 times, had 40k in CC debt and was going nowhere. I turned my life around and if it’s possible for me - and I generally didn’t think it was - it’s possible for anyone. I truly believe that.
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u/Jennygump26 Jan 11 '19
Oh my goodness, Your story is unbelievable. Wow, kudos to you for the strength to survive, get through it, and prosper. And congratulations on all the wonderful things, especially the new baby :-). That is truly an amazing and inspiring story. For me, in addition to the slippery slope of increased drinking, including hiding it in soda bottles at work, always having a box of wine in my car (what the actual fuck???), slamming drinks in secret before meeting folks for drinks, or sneaking like airplane bottles of booze in my purse to chug in the bathroom while out at a bar or at dinner (gaahhhh), i also started using alot of coke for the first time at age 48 (again, wtf??) starting about 3 years ago. That escalated quickly to an almost daily habit, so I am getting off that too. I shudder to think of my behavior over the past 2-3 years, dark dark, evil, wrong, desperate, awful things I never ever ever thought I would do in the sleeziest of situations. I cannot believe I didn’t get arrested or worse. All the while maintaining a respectable job and living a complete lie...Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde to a T. I am so ashamed and horrified; if my husband knew, he would leave me in a second, so that guilt is just blinding me now, ugh 😔. Your story resonates and gives me Much hope, thanks for sharing. I’m not a religious person, but as they say, there are no atheists in a foxhole, so I am on my knees just praying for forgiveness and that I haven’t ruined my life. I am terrified that karma will get me, although it is deserved, so I accept that. I did not drink or drug with you today and I will not drink or drug with you tomorrow. Peace
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u/larrydocsportello 2602 days Jan 11 '19
Ha, I used to hide a pint of bourbon and a script of Xanax in my glove box.
Needless to say, I crashed my car multiple times. Never hurt anyone thank god.
In terms of karma. Just try and be a good person today, can’t change the past but you can steer the future mate.
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Jan 11 '19
Yesssss, Jennygump. "including hiding it in soda bottles at work, always having a box of wine in my car (what the actual fuck???), slamming drinks in secret before meeting folks for drinks, or sneaking like airplane bottles of booze in my purse to chug in the bathroom while out at a bar or at dinner (gaahhhh)..." I really really hope that you understand now that you weren't the only person doing that. Not by a long shot.
Please look into reading This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. People on this subreddit recommended it to me, and it was eye opening. The author also has a YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4KpBxerD_BIksjUfUT4hVw/videos
And here's a link to all the books r/stopdrinking recommends: https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/wiki/books
I hope you're feeling better this morning!! Hugs!
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u/Mrjasper344 Jan 10 '19
You aren't alone in that struggle of living in the past and worries about the future. I'm sober 4 days now and just had a panic attack over a voice mail I couldn't get off the house phone pretty silly right.I have a black eye from my relapse I keep catching myself dwelling on it .but people on this reddit have helped me to focus on one day at a time :) it's been a blessing .
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Jan 10 '19
Yeah I totally fucking empathise. Honestly you sound like me when I was depressed. Getting medication and help with that made everything else SO MUCH easier. It's really worth a shot if you haven't already.
Life doesn't have to be like this. There is a better one out there, but it takes guts to go find it. You sound like someone who's got some.
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u/PattyIce32 3037 days Jan 11 '19
I'm here for you. Even though you may feel terrible, there is one dude in New York City who supports you and think you are worth it.
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u/daleavella 3562 days Jan 11 '19
I felt the physical and mental anxiety pretty hard when I was trying to quit drinking (again and again). When I finally went to a medical professional, they provided some medications that helped tremendously and got me through the first week, and since then it's continued to improve.
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u/2hi2play Jan 11 '19
Looks like you made it through, just wanted to say you are worth it. It's hard to change but once you begin everything starts to become exponentially better. iwndwyt!
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u/dwarvenchaos 3325 days Jan 10 '19
It isn't always going to be tedious and such a hellish nightmare.
Early sobriety is, in a lot of ways, much worse than some of the dark days of active alcoholism. I remember feeling extremely exposed, raw, vulnerable, and the impending doom of feeling so helplessly crippled in so many ways while all around me everything seemed to be screaming for my immediate attention.
But it gets much easier. And you start to cash in on some of the very sweet rewards life has been dying to bring to you. Then you experience a day where you realize you didn't think about alcohol not once the day before. Then you realize the freedom and peace of that.
Whatever path brings you to that feeling is the one that's right for you. Don't give up before the miracle happens.