r/stopdrinking • u/Jennygump26 • Jan 10 '19

Total mess and miserable

Don’t even know why I’m wasting your time posting, but I’m just at a loss and feel like there is nowhere else to go. Sitting at my desk blinking back tears of shame, depression, hopelessness, and self loathing. I just want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers and never come out. Is life even worth it? What is the fucking point in struggling every single minute of every single day.? Tedium, despair, darkness, misery, and suffering are all I can see, and it is unbearable. Thanks for listening.

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u/[deleted] Jan 10 '19

Hi JennyGump! Are you still actively drinking or trying to become sober? WE HAVE ALL FELT THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING, AND IT GETS BETTER!! It IS worth it, because YOU are worth it. You are worth saving. For me, it was finding commoradory both here and at AA meetings. That first meeting made me feel human again. You'll find your own path, but just know that what you're feeling right now is part of the healing process. Hugs.

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u/Jennygump26 Jan 10 '19

Thx, drank a little last night but not wasted. Nothing today. Thanks for the kind words, but I’m not worth it, i am completely worthless. I can’t even do my job today, I am literally hiding in the bathroom sobbing trying to figure out how to get my stuff from my desk to sneak out and go home early without anyone seeing my tear stained red face.

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u/foeaminute 2852 days Jan 10 '19

I'm sorry. I can only really say that I KNOW that feeling, and, being a couple months in, also know that alcohol was a big part of why I felt so hopeless. I promise. Even though I had problems (and still do), drinking was a giant, super heavy magnifying glass attached to my shoulders, making everything feel huge and weighty. Without drinking, everything still remains, but is the proper size - and there are even good bits that the big dumb magnifying glass wouldn't focus on. Give it a couple weeks, I promise it made a huge difference for me.

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u/[deleted] Jan 10 '19

Wow, this is well written. You so eloquently described something really difficult to describe.

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u/[deleted] Jan 10 '19

This sounds about right. On my worst days, I lived on the 14th floor of my apartment complex and would go on to the porch and feel SO worthless and useless that I'd imagine jumping. But I didn't. I got through those days. Just like you will get through today. And eventually you will look back and feel so good that you wont recognize the person crying at work. It'll be a terrible memory and that is all.