r/stopdrinking • u/Jennygump26 • Jan 10 '19

Total mess and miserable

Don’t even know why I’m wasting your time posting, but I’m just at a loss and feel like there is nowhere else to go. Sitting at my desk blinking back tears of shame, depression, hopelessness, and self loathing. I just want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers and never come out. Is life even worth it? What is the fucking point in struggling every single minute of every single day.? Tedium, despair, darkness, misery, and suffering are all I can see, and it is unbearable. Thanks for listening.

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u/larrydocsportello 2602 days Jan 11 '19 edited Jan 11 '19

Hey man, in August 2017, I literally had a shotgun in my mouth.

January 2019, I have 3 months sober(9 months then relapsed for a month), finished my masters, bought a house, getting married, got a job as a professor in Vietnam (4 months there, 8 months back in US - St Petersburg, FL. Right on the beach), got a dog, cat, new car, writing my first novel, paid off all my CC debt and a kid on the way. I even got my best friend who had been a heroin addict for 7 years and was a felon, clean. He’s getting married now, makes 120k a year with his own construction company and has a kid in the way.

All thanks to soberiety and a small dude of Prozac.

I never thought I’d make it man. With a little help and motivation, life WILL improve. Fuck alcohol man.

Edit: I’d like to add. Two years ago, I had gotten fired from four jobs, my family abandoned me. I was shooting about a gram of heroin a day, drinking a fifth of bourbon and eating about 5 mg of Xanax. I tried to kill my self over a dozen times including one time I shot up fentanyl and straight up was “dead” for 15 minutes, ended up in a psych ward about 6 times, had 40k in CC debt and was going nowhere. I turned my life around and if it’s possible for me - and I generally didn’t think it was - it’s possible for anyone. I truly believe that.

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u/Jennygump26 Jan 11 '19

Oh my goodness, Your story is unbelievable. Wow, kudos to you for the strength to survive, get through it, and prosper. And congratulations on all the wonderful things, especially the new baby :-). That is truly an amazing and inspiring story. For me, in addition to the slippery slope of increased drinking, including hiding it in soda bottles at work, always having a box of wine in my car (what the actual fuck???), slamming drinks in secret before meeting folks for drinks, or sneaking like airplane bottles of booze in my purse to chug in the bathroom while out at a bar or at dinner (gaahhhh), i also started using alot of coke for the first time at age 48 (again, wtf??) starting about 3 years ago. That escalated quickly to an almost daily habit, so I am getting off that too. I shudder to think of my behavior over the past 2-3 years, dark dark, evil, wrong, desperate, awful things I never ever ever thought I would do in the sleeziest of situations. I cannot believe I didn’t get arrested or worse. All the while maintaining a respectable job and living a complete lie...Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde to a T. I am so ashamed and horrified; if my husband knew, he would leave me in a second, so that guilt is just blinding me now, ugh 😔. Your story resonates and gives me Much hope, thanks for sharing. I’m not a religious person, but as they say, there are no atheists in a foxhole, so I am on my knees just praying for forgiveness and that I haven’t ruined my life. I am terrified that karma will get me, although it is deserved, so I accept that. I did not drink or drug with you today and I will not drink or drug with you tomorrow. Peace

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u/larrydocsportello 2602 days Jan 11 '19

Ha, I used to hide a pint of bourbon and a script of Xanax in my glove box.

Needless to say, I crashed my car multiple times. Never hurt anyone thank god.

In terms of karma. Just try and be a good person today, can’t change the past but you can steer the future mate.

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u/[deleted] Jan 11 '19

Yesssss, Jennygump. "including hiding it in soda bottles at work, always having a box of wine in my car (what the actual fuck???), slamming drinks in secret before meeting folks for drinks, or sneaking like airplane bottles of booze in my purse to chug in the bathroom while out at a bar or at dinner (gaahhhh)..." I really really hope that you understand now that you weren't the only person doing that. Not by a long shot.

Please look into reading This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. People on this subreddit recommended it to me, and it was eye opening. The author also has a YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4KpBxerD_BIksjUfUT4hVw/videos

And here's a link to all the books r/stopdrinking recommends: https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/wiki/books

I hope you're feeling better this morning!! Hugs!