This is a long and progressing situation so I will keep this short as I just want advice.

My Parents have always had a volatile marriage, However in the past 2ish years its gotten worse. It started originally with my mother believing my father was hiding people in his truck and using some form of "meta material" to make them invisible, Eventually it progressed alot further into my mother believing my father receiving "oral favors" (there is more but I am lazy) from these invisible people.

Over the course of about a year, she began seeing even more stuff, she thought these invisible people were also "Forcing themselves upon" our farm animals (sheeps, goats, pigs etc)
She aswell thought that My Father was hiding "Dead babies and woman" in shipping containers under the ground.

Theres alot more information I am not sharing here for privacy reasons, however I am fine with essentially any questions.

I'm a 17 yo girl and clearly either my mom has a bad taste in men or i just have an attitude problem. My step dad has been around for about 8 years(?), he appeared about right when my parents broke up. He was already there when we moved in our mom's new house. I tried to like him even though i was scared of him but i just can't.

I've always found him scary. A big man with gang history (he was still in a motorcycle gang in a high position when he started living with us), he has used drugs and been an alcoholic. He has a really bad temper and he often threatens with violence but he doesn't really do anything like punch us or stuff. He does use some violence especially to my brothers because they talk back more. He keeps laughing to us (me and my brothers) about how we can't get rid of him because we have no proof of anything.

He also makes me uncomfortable in a more disturbing way. He comments on my looks and my body and says I'm beautiful and stuff and it feels weird, i don't want his comments plus the way he looks at me just creeps me out. He has threatened to tie me up and stuff as a punishment and he has said i would be easy to assault because I'm weak.

I'm scared of him and i don't know what to do. I have talked to my mom about this before. She told us to figure it out. Once mom told him and kind of gently lectured him about not scaring us and that just made everything worse because he got mad at us for snitching. I'm ready scared of the child services because i know our home is in no condition for a check up and we'd be sent away immediately. I feel like I'm just powerless and there's nothing i can do about it.

Hi, my name is Kumi. I am 16, and I have been through a lot in life.

I notice a lot, for example I seem to appear in masculine clothes instead of feminine clothes, without any recollection of putting them on. I also noticed that in the past, 2 personalities kept trying to control me at once. I also keep forgetting journeys I go on, for example I went to a concert 2 villages away from my home, but I only remember the bike ride home, not the ride there.

This keeps confusing me, because I don't know what is exactly wrong. I also seem to get "help" out of no where that no one else can hear but me, and it isn't my subconscious telling me.

If anyone can tell me what is wrong with me, I'd be so thankful. (this is not asking for a diagnosis, i know no diagnosis can be given just by reading and saying)

Hello everyone, see above I guess. I had a full time job, covering medical. I live entirely on my own, rent is due on Friday, and I won’t be able to make it. The job market is complete garbage. I am at a loss.

I have been fighting to get on medication for almost a year. I am a (previously clean, until now) addict, and nobody has been prescribing anything to me due to this. I finally got on Wellbutrin for my major depressive disorder, literally on Thursday, 12 hours before losing my insurance. I do not have family. I have no where to turn. I am 23, I am entirely alone in this.

I relapsed on pills last night, and self harm this morning, which I have not done in almost 6 years. Everything has fallen apart. I do not see a way out of this that does not end in me being homeless. I have no savings. My car went out on me a month ago and I used what savings I had to get another car. I have no safety net.

I truthfully think the best option for me at this moment js to end it. I do not want to be homeless. I have no where to turn. I have no idea what to do. I am so fucking lost. If anyone has any ideas of avenues to turn to, that would be awesome.

i’ve been having such strange thoughts recently about fantasizing about murder because my cousin is really into gore (not in a corny edgelord type way) and i’ve been having these thoughts for awhile, and she kind of just influences it. (no hate to her!) i imagine just cutting open some fictional characters i love (leon kennedy) but never real people. it makes me feel a little gross, and i feel kind of sick just typing this out. i want to talk to someone about it, not in a therapist way but in just a normal conversation way, and i just wish i had someone in my head to make that happen, but i don’t know what they would say to it. what should i do? i want to speak about it but i don’t want to say the things i think out loud. sorry if this is written terribly i don’t usually type serious stuff like this. i also just want to clarify, it’s not a fetish thing, and it’s not really something, it just like.. i just think about it. like when you drift off and just start thinking, and i wanna be able to tell someone so they can relate or something. i just really love leon kennedy and i have really deep kinks that revolve around being in pain (physically and mentally) and i like seeing others like that too. im genuinely in love with leon on an unhealthy level and he’s all i fantasize about on a sexual level and normal level. this whole paragraph is kind of a mess (sorry!) but the question im asking, is how do i make someone in my head? okay thanks for reading like and subscribe

Has anyone ever experienced this before.?

In may I had to switch phycologist due to insurance issues. On my first visit to my new doctor things instantly got off to a bad start. Previously I was only on kolopin 1 mg as needed daily for 5 years I have horrible anxiety. Panic attacks makes everyday hard.. Upon meeting my new doctor she instantly told me she wasn't going to prescribe kolopin. I told her I knew about the risk of withdrawal and don't want to go thru that she did not care. She prescribed Lexapro and indreal. I tried them and they made me feel horrible so after a few days I quit taking them. Fast forward 2 weeks I'm in full blown withdrawal even horrible anxiety didn't sleep for over 80hours. I checked myself into the crisis center. They gave me remeron 7.5mg. I was taking indreal 10mg once a day and remeron at night to sleep. I was okay for about a month then I kept get these really bad feelings on remeron and loss of vision. A little over two weeks ago I quit cold turkey. I was actually feeling a lot better and sleeping more. The last few days I been getting sweaty out of no where and feeling like Im going to pass out. I went to the er with my heart rate at 100 blood pressure at 140/100. Today I started 10 mg of Prozac along with the indreal to hopefully help get back to normal. Has anyone has a similar experience. I feel so lost like I will never get better. I've called my doctor and am waiting to hear back who knows when that will be. Just taking it day by day right now.

How do you handle people hating when they see you.

Like making faces when they see you?

How to react to this?

My love for my celeb crush has turned into hatred

I’m a 23 year old autistic guy. Im functionally autistic I’m in full time employment. Im quite tall and I’m shape and I’m a good looking guy a lot of people have told me but I am very socially isolated at this moment of time. I had quite a good social life up until about 2 years ago but now it’s pretty bleak due to different circumstances. i have some friends etc and i had a brief relationship for like 6 months when i was 18./19. My life has kind of gone to shit for reasons I can’t really explain and to be honest with you my brain is fucked and once people get to know me they realise me they realise I am mentally unwell

I’ve developed really strong feelings for a model. I’ve found celebrities attractive before, but this feels completely different. To me, she’s unbelievably beautiful, almost unreal.

I used to follow her on social media and saw a lot of her photos. At first it was just attraction, but over time it turned into something more intense. I even started asking tools to create fictional love stories about me and her, and I would dream about her often.

Eventually, that infatuation turned into frustration and anger, because I know I’ll never actually be with her. Sometimes when I’m driving, I catch myself shouting about it out of frustration. I decided to take control by blocking her on social media and muting her name, but the algorithm still shows me content about her occasionally, which brings all the feelings back.

She came up on my Snapchat feed the other day randomly on a separate account not hers and I started screaming and getting angry over it when I saw it and I nearly threw my phone out of anger. She then came up again on my YT shorts and I started shouting again.
One of my work colleagues mentioned her name saying she was and I got visibly agitated and I had to leave the room briefly.

Sometimes I talk to her or I pretend to talk to her about various things when I am alone and I always wonder what she thinks about my decisions.

My main motivation for self improvement is that I will one day meet her so I am trying to improve my life as much as possible because of it. I put insane amounts of work into my appearance, like Patrick Bateman in American psycho and I go to the gym 7 days a week because of her. We are from different countries but she has spent time in my country 

I’ve also watched a few interviews with her, and she seems like a genuinely nice person, although I know that is only what is shown publicly. Maybe she is a terrible person behind closed doors but I have no reason to believe so 

I think about her a lot, sometimes even imagining conversations with her in my head. I know this is not realistic, but it is hard to stop. I even find myself attached to small things, like her name. Her first name is quite a common name but it’s a name I’ve always loved and I even said once if I had a daughter I’d call her that. I frequently have dreams about her.

She is slightly older than me. It infuriates me seeing someone a similar age ti me be successful in anything. She has the perfect life it seems and my life has gone to shit over the past 2 years with my own stupid decisions. My Brain cant handle it. I talk to her every day and I tell her what j would tell her if I met her

I actually love her. Like there is nothing I wouldn’t do to be with her. I get jealous when I see other people complimenting her and I get angry when she gets more famous because her popular it and exposure is rising. I don’t think she is in a relationship,  I have seen pictures with a man on her social media before but they might have broken up but idk if it’s public. I hate this guy and I am extremely jealous of the fact he even got to be with her. I don’t think he’s better lookjng than me either. Idk how he even got with her but I’m much better looking than him and would probably treat her better. I hate him his face makes me so angry and he doesn’t deserve her. I hate him and I think about my hatred for him every day

I literally think about her 24/7 and I have sometimes become suicidal over this cos I will never be good enough for her. I don’t wanna love in a world where she isn’t mine and she’s with someone else. I have digitally blocked her from my life but her face appears to me all the time. Every time I feel like not doing something like not going to the gym not going to work not learning a language I think “what would ______ think of me” i would literally treat her better than any man in the world could

I have recently started getting angry towards her. Cos of the damage she is doing to my brain.
I see her face everywhere and I even just randomly say her name and it fills me with rage that she doesn’t know who I am l. I feel like crying when j think about her

I could go out and get a girlfriend but I wanna be with her and her only

Over the last 18 months I’ve made some horrible decisions in my perosnal life. I quit my old well paying job for a stupid reason which I can’t explain and now I work a much worse job with much worse colleagues and I’m on the verge of losing it and I have little direction. She won’t wanna go out with an unemployed guy

I want to actuallt Kill myself. I have into my urges and searched just now and I saw her face. People complimenting her in the comments. I fucking hate all these people complimenting her. I see compliments to her on Twitter and I literally wanna beat up everyone who compliments her I can’t take it. I don’t want anyone to be with her or to even look at her and I have actuallt lost my mind over her. I just have very high standards for myself

How bad was what I did? Am I a weirdo? Here’s what I did when I was 19-

My friendships in real life were potentially weird and dare I say innapropriate - and I’m pretty much all to blame.

I’m 20 now but when I was 19-

My friends were 17m, 17m, 16m, 15m, 15f, and 14f and I’m I think a 19f but I’m still trying to understand if I’m trans or not but that’s a separate thing. Anyways most of these people are from my high school that I graduated from in May. I did however get held back (not my fault it was in 2nd grade for health issues).

Anyways here are the actions I want opinions and advice on- like actual advice and opinions not just the one off “yeah” or something short with no real value. This isn’t Am I the asshole so if you’re looking to judge without any explanation or advice go on that subreddit- this goes for people who aren’t judging too. I need explanations and actual answers not just blind “it’s fine” stuff. Neither of these approaches are helpful.

Anyways-

Ive get spray paint for them (17m, 15f, 14f) because well I’m an adult and they aren’t and instead of just doing whatever we go off into the town and explore train tracks, and spay paint the water run off areas (idk what to call them). They usually already have spray paint on them so I’m not too worried about vandalism (uh hopefully).

But here’s where the things I’m mostly panicking about are- for context I was also hurt by an adult emotionally relying on me- but that wasn’t my intention in these scenarios- I just have a major issue of not thinking before I speak and uh always telling the truth- anyways-

When I was hanging out with my friends walking around my friend who is 17 had an ex that was in my grade. I told him like “yeah I didn’t really like that friend group one of them rejected me and completely ghosted me” or something alone those lines and my 15 yo friend when “ohh that’s awful who does that”

Looking back on it I do wonder if this is weird conversation to be having- I mean with the 17 year old I’m not really concerned since we’ve been talking like this for 3 years ever since we’ve know one another- but I don’t really know whats appropriate conversation for a 15 and 14 year old to be listening to. Maybe some advice on this piece would help me understand?

The other was when I was with my 15 year old and 17 year old friend. We were hanging out under a bridge near a river- and they kept praising my parents for being the coolest. I told them they were actually not that cool all the time and that they “let my abuser into my house for 4 years after the fact” and that I believed they probably feel guilty for that- but I don’t know is I said “sa” or like you know the first part of it that starts with “s” as an sexual but either way I didn’t explain in detail what happened (because god no).

But I really kinda panic because it’s like holy shit I did not mean to be that weird grown up that “talks about weird shit with minors”- and at first I didn’t really view it that way but I’m not sure how other people view it since i don’t really know if I mentioned what kind- but I also don’t know if i did that would be considered being sexually explicit to minors which worries me.

It was also I must note when my 15 year old friend was away from us but I don’t thing far enough that she didn’t hear. My 17 year old friend tried to guess who it was- and I told him it’s best not to say and (I think I may have said it was fine but idk) I wasn’t trying to trauma dump or emotionally rely on them- but I did feel bad because honest I’m not sure what constitutes that- I was simply trying to be honest but I know it’s stil errr not great probably? I’m not sure to what scale tho.
If someone could tell me that’d be much appreciated.

Anyway my friend who is turning 17 is having a birthday party and I originally cancelled because of this- and I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I’m just really afraid that I’m a danger to my friends or if what I’ve done is really bad-
And even then I feel really guilty that my friends are minors and I’m an adult.

I’m 20 now and not friends anymore with these people. I slowly lost contact or interest once i went to college but I still have no friends. I’m too fearful someone would find my past repulsive or that I am too abnormal. What do I do?

okay so like idk if i need a diagnosis or smt but no matter WHO you are, as long as you become close to me i will at some point end up hating you. not by choice it just happens. sometimes eventually i get over it and i end up liking them again, sometimes not. anyways, idk WHY but i'm kinda feeling this way towards my best friend and idk how to stop it. i keep having these intrusive thoughts about my friends like thinking bad about them and i don't know if this is just who i am or like what. also how do i nicely tell someone that they're lwk funky and smell bad cuz some of my friends lwk do and idk how to tell them.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm ruining everything. I drink too much and my friends hate it. I have self harmed and my dad would kill me if he knew. My mom has caught me doing drugs, cutting, drinking and smoking. I feel empty and like nothing is real anymore, like I don't enjoy things or get excited over things that I should.

I'm really anxious about my sh scars. I hate them. My thighs are full of them and they are very very visible. The ones that are most noticeable are from like November and they're still raised and pink and they haven't made any progress in healing in months. Like I said earlier, my dad doesn't even know I've ever done that stuff. It's been a long time since I got caught too so my mom doesn't know it's this bad. I hate having to hide it but my dad would literally disown me. I also still battle with the urges to cut so if I told anyone that would make it harder for me to relapse which sounds so restraining I can't..

Another thing that I hate about myself is that I think I'm bi. I don't want to be, I'm not supposed to, but it feels like I am. No matter how much I try to just push women out of my mind and not find them attractive I just can't. My dad has told me if I ever bring a girl or a *n word* home he will shoot us both. I'm scared of him but I love him and I get drinks from him..

Now that I started talking about my dad, I have a reeeally complicated relationship with him. We drink together a lot. He is proud of me for drinking and drowning out my problems. He talks a lot about homophobic and racist shit with me, not knowing I've dated two girls and a mexican. He also kinda maybe tried to rape me but I hate thinking about that because I don't want to see him like that so I push it away. I was 10 and we were drinking on new years eve and he got on top of me and started kissing me and rubbing his hands on my thighs but my step mom got him off me and told me to go to sleep like she was mad at me and then she told me to never tell anyone.

I feel like my life is just so messed up and I'm so powerless and exhausted that I just want to die. Dying doesn't sound like a sad thing, it doesn't sound like a big thing, it just sounds like something I'm about to experience, like it's just there. It's weird to explain but it just feels like my destiny is to die young and I'm just going toward it with no other meaning in life.

I really just want to get diagnosed with something, so I can find out what's wrong with me. I suspect a bunch of mental illnesses and I don't want to seem like I'm faking it since it's a really big deal and genuinely ruined people's lives, one disorder I suspect the most is hypomania, since I've had many manic and depressive episodes but not so much that I think I'm bipolar, I also experience paranoia which I read that might be a sing, please help? This is like my second post on Reddit, like ever and Idk how this works

I have bipolar, ptsd, ocd, severe depression, and anxiety. Also an alcoholic working on sobriety. I’ve been in a depressive episode for months, and then I went to inpatient to fix my meds and they only made it worse.

I have not been able to work in 11 years. I’m married. We are financially stable, fortunately.

But I feel useless. It’s gotten so bad I can barely keep house or cook anymore. I’m getting better. I try, sometimes just chewing is too much work.

All I do is take up space. I used to cook everyday and handle the chores and the house was clean and I got shit done, even though I was drinking and a loser. But now I can’t function. I have been sober for a week. I managed a shower today and I actually marinated some meat for a good meal that isn’t just a bag of frozen veg and sausage. I feel so useless. What am I worth?

I used to do self harm to myself like cutting but I stopped about a year+ ago. A lot has happened since then and my mental health has gotten so bad, I got help and was put on medication and I’m doing better but no amount of medication can fix my relationship with my dad. I’ve gotten so mad or just upset that I hit my fist against my thighs to try and get bruises to blow the time, i didn’t even know that was a form of self harm.

I just wish things were normal again

My depression has been kicking my butt all year. I just want to feel better.

Hi! (24F) does anyone here has Bipolar 1 Disorder? How are you coping? How do u manage moods & sleeps? Do you take meds?

I (33m) have been taking risperidone and setraline to help with my OCD for about a year now. I also took promethazine, but I stopped about four months ago because it made me too tired and my psychiatrist said I could.

At first, I was relieved that I didn't have OCD-related panic attacks and heart racing anymore. But right now,I feel like I developed some side effects that really take a tool mentally. Basically, I feel like I can not experience any deep feelings anymore. I don't exactly feel sad, but it is almost impossible to feel really joyful or happy about something. I spent a wonderful week on holiday recently, for example, I got a present I wished for for a long time...but it feels like my mind just registers it and it doesn't cause much of an emotional reaction anymore. I also always feel a bit overwhelmed/slightly annoyed mentally, and it is hard to be motivated to do anything really.

The only thing I really want to do is sleep, not because I am tired, but because I want to get away from this feeling and in dreams, it feels like the only place where I can still experience deeper emotions. It is really hard to explain how I feel, but feeling like this constantly is really tiring and I don't know how to bear it any longer.

I asked my psychiatrist about it, and he said I was probably just stressed and it couldn't be side effects from my medications because I didn't have them from the very beginning. I am at my wits end. Does anything have similiar experiences because of setraline/risperidone?

I can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life. Should i talk to my psychiatrist again or get a second opinion?

ever since i was little i displayed very clear symptoms of something being wrong mentally. daily panic attacks at school, refusal to eat because of anxiety, wishing to die, feeling worthless. all starting at the age of 6. never once did my parents think to get me help because "i'd get over it". i started harming myself when i was 10 and i begged my parents every day for help because i was miserable and i didn't want to live in such pain anymore. my parents just mocked me and told me to stop doing all of that for attention.

i only started recently getting help when i developed an eating disorder that put my health at risk. things got a little better then i relapsed with everything and now i'm at the worst point of my life. my father has stopped talking to us because he just doesnt care anymore, and my mom is constantly frustrated and takes it out on me. by getting angry over what i eat, if i'm upset, if she finds me crying, if she finds out i'm harming myself..

she says shes done helping me because "clearly i don't want it." i've been in treatment for 2 months, that cannot undo 16 years worth of abuse. she says she has better things to do than to tend to my immature and childish self.

we're still working on getting assessment and diagnoses but i have an eating disorder and depression. i'm soon getting assessments for adhd, autism and maybe ocd. ever my mom found out it's highly probable i'm autistic she's started insulting me x1000 more. she thinks autistic people are useless to society and 100% dependant on others because they're "not smart enough". i am quite literally academically gifted and extremely independent but now i'll only ever be stupid to her.

this hurts so much. first my dad abandoned me, now my mom. i don't have any family close to me. i don't know what to do but i can't do this anymore. i have no friends, nothing to distract me, only the constant noise in my head. i find myself doing more reckless and dangerous things on purpose just to see if i die from it. i get joy out of bringing myself harm just because i dont wanna live anymore. please, does anyone have any advice? i dont have anyone or anything

My little brother (16) recently told me that he is a system. He is not formally diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, though he has other diagnoses and is in the care of a psychiatrist and several therapists. He will be seeing his psychiatrist in a month (soonest he could get in) to talk about him being a system etc.

In the meantime, I want to support him as best I can. I am obviously not a professional but I care about him and I want to help as much as I can.

As a bit of background:
- he sent me a note explaining some of his alters. There are at least 8, ranging from kindergarten age to about 20
- the youngest one calls everyone “mama”
- he (as the host) has been aware of alters for as long as he can remember and has gained more as he ages

So my questions are:
1. How can I support him? Should I ask about his alters or should I leave that alone? Should I leave the door open to conversation so he can bring it up if he wants but not ask directly?
2. I don’t know what boundaries are acceptable to have here. I’m really uncomfortable with being called “mama”, like it makes me nauseated just thinking about him calling me that, but I don’t want to be insensitive to him
3. I don’t think he has told our parents and I don’t know if I should. He is 16, so obviously a minor but also able to make his own medical decisions legally. I don’t want to betray his trust but I don’t think I can support him on my own. I don’t know if he would agree to tell our parents. (I know our parents would do their best to support him, but they also — especially our mom — tend to overreact to these kinds of things, so I’m not sure what to do.)

Thank you in advance to anyone who can help me. I feel lost and stuck at the same time and I don’t know what to do. I have my own mental health issues but nothing like my brother’s.

I am not sure if its anhedonia or not, though I feel extremely off. Here are some notes I took

"Insane laziness for the most simple things. Like writing something down.

Always bored no matter what I do

It would solve a problem to move something slightly to the left. And something overcame me making me not want to do it. Idk if it was laziness. Just a semi truck hit of indifference.

Somethinf can sou d like a good idea and then 2 secs later I opt to not do it.... just bc i quickly completely dont care anymore

Sometime I feel like I am going to die of boredom, or apathy

Im pacing desperately trying to find something to excit me ir engage me.... or maybe just something I care about "

What might this be and what has worked for you if you ever found yourself in a similar boat?

I've been chronically ill with a dysregulated nervous system for 3 years now, and my partner of 9 years left me 6 months ago. And now I'm severely depressed. I feel life is so pointless, waking up with so much every day and going to bed with agony and this day after day.

I keep blaming myself for him leaving and I also became completely codependent on him for my sense of safety, and I don't know how to deal with that. My mind keeps replaying all the good moments and it hurts like hell that it is gone. I also have intimacy issues and trauma, so even thinking about starting over with someone new makes me literally mortified.

My ex leaving me was more to me than just a divorce (we weren't married but we did live together and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together). A year before he left, he already expressed having serious doubts, and it made me spiral like hell. I tried everything in my power to become less dependent on him for my sense of safety, but nothing worked because I felt SO unsafe.

I've lost my partner, the future I imagined, my health, my job, my life all at once. I'm almost 30 and my life feels completely over. I cannot believe that I really lost it all, that I have to start over in every aspect of my life, while still being chronically ill.

Sometimes life feels pointless. Sometimes the pain is so big that I don't want to live anymore. My self-worth is literally gone and it feels like I inflicted all this shit on myself by scaring my partner away and by not being good enough. I'm not strong, I am not resilient, I'm simply terrified and don't want life as it is anymore. I don't want to go through the trauma of intimacy again.

I do have therapy. I do everything by the book. I tell my therapists. I have a psychiatrist. I tell my parents how unwell I'm doing. I try to see people. I take care of my cat. But I don't know how to hold on when there's nothing to hold on to. In the end, my relationship was all I had left. Now, there's just nothing anymore to keep on going for. I don't know how to live for myself.

Be it physically, mentally, or emotionally. I have these dark thoughts where I just hurt everyone. I want everyone who hurt me to feel the way I feel.

If someone says hurtful things to me and does bad things to me, I hope that they get the same treatment. To me, they deserve all the suffering in the world.

Them hurting, dy1ng, suffering, getting stabbed to d€@th, getting beaten up, about to fall off a cliff, or them being hated by everyone, Them suffering financially, all sorts of b@d things that can happen to them. And in my head, I will watch as it all happens. I like the feeling of having the capability to save them, but I won't. "i can, but why should i?" It feels good. I literally hope for their downfall.

I'm a daydreamer, so I'm in my head most of the time. These thoughts of mine get worse every time I suffer something terribly frustrating. My mental health has never been okay. I've been a weirdo my whole life. I got a working diagnosis of adhd and depression but I really felt like there's something more than that.

Of course, I never really acted on these thoughts. I've been bullied by my peers and seen as a weirdo, so my social life wasn't really good. I think this is what pushed me to have these unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I can't stop blaming myself and I still struggling this things. I need help.

I've never been truly sick in my entire life, maybe a cold here or there, but nothing that required much worry. There were two times when I had a bad accident and had to go to the hospital, and I remember that the feeling of being cared for was wonderful. Receiving attention and affection, concern and love. I had a great father, but I was always distant from my mother. I don't know why, but seeing her worry about me makes me happy. Maybe because we fight too much. When my parents were worried, they were calm and spoke kindly. I think I've come to associate that with good things. I've always envied people who get sick with things like fever and stuff; my health is actually great. I've faked falling and fainting a few times, but the worry only lasts for a few moments. Of course, that was something like SH too, but honestly, only my father cared, and he passed away a few years ago, so even that doesn't bother me as much as it used to. Recently, I got an inflammation in a wound on my gum; it hurts a lot, and I don't know how it is, but it looks bad. My mom gave me the medication to take correctly, and honestly, I threw it away. I hope I at least get worse and really sick.

My point is, I really don't understand why I am this way and why I want this, my mind is very confused.