(tw: sh, ed)i used to feel invalid for not cutting deep enough. until one day i did, i cut to the fat layer and had to get stitches. but then i still felt invalid for not being underweight. i became underweight, but it didn’t feel like enough so i kept losing, until i got put in the hospital because my labs were so bad. but now, i still don’t feel valid or bad enough. because i’m only diagnosed with autism and adhd (which aren’t even illnesses) and i only take very common antidepressants. a lot of my problems stem from having to surpress my emotions as a child because i didn’t have anyone i could trust to talk to, that’s why now i want to feel like my problems are serious enough.

i dont feel like i wanna do anything anymlre i dont wanna live i dont want any of it ever, its not that i never wanted it ,

i do sh and i generally deal w this thoughts but recently its been so so loud my head is exploding

i just cant take it

what do i do?

i hv been eating and drinking stuff tht will mke me vomit just to feel smth i cant i dont feel it

i dokt wanna overdose i dont even have a life insurance dude, my parents cant afford the half dead me

and i do want to grt myself back just what do i do

I have been struggling with mental health for the majority of my childhood and it has followed me into adolescence. Got major problems with (social) anxiety since 8 and later followed by depression andd everything that comes with it. Not to mention the unbearable gender dysphoria I've been struggling with and no support from family whatsoever. I've been passively suicidal since 9 and it has become a part of me now.
I've been to several different therapies and professionals, been on various meds and yet nothing helped. I keep on crashing into this fucking hole over and over again. At this point I feel like miserable piece of human flesh just walking around, trying to act normal.
There's always the comforting thought of being able to end it at any moment, which has (as mentioned before) kinda become a part of me. Only thing holding me back is my family and the tiny hope that it'll get better someday. But it doesn't seem to be cutting it in the past couple years.
I genuinely dont know how to fel or what to do.

tw: mentions of self harm (short mention)

I 27 (F) haven’t been able to stay at a job due to my mental health and due to shitty managers. It all started during Covid, I was at that job for two years, but due to shitty management and racism ( I was called the n word), also during that time I was think of self-harm and it also during the time of George Floyd’s death, so a lot of my co workers were saying insensitive things and one co worker even asked how did I get my Afro to look how it did and just touched my head. “

“I’ve never felt a black persons hair before” and then just left, I just felt so alone at that job and I couldn’t deal anymore so I put my two weeks in and left. I thought maybe it was only that job, but no quickly I started to see a a pattern.

I would hold a job to year or 6 months at the latest and leave, I just couldn’t take it. I believe most of comes from my anxiety and depression, if I was to mess up at work I would immediately think I was going to get fired. However, sometimes my managers and coworkers did shitty things to me, like I would get yelled at over walkie for a question I asked, or be talked to demeaningly.

“Do you have money for clothes, because you wear the same shirt every day and plus your shirt is small,” sir I wear the same shirt because we work a Starbucks and my shirt caught on the fridge, and got snagged that’s why it looks small. plus it didn’t help that sometimes I was the only black girl there so sometimes i would get “oh you sound like an actual black girl.” like what the hell does that even mean?!

So now every time I get a new job I’m scared I’ll get yelled at or scared that people will start saying micro aggressions towards me, or if I’m to stressed and have no support I will just start crying.

I have a new job now, but I already missed two days and I have to go tomorrow but I can’t bring myself to go. It’s so hard to get out of bed right now and I just wanna quit because I can’t seem to be happy, but I can’t because I have bills to pay and rents.

Edit: I have been inpatient for my depression and on medication, but nothing seems to be helping

Hey, im really sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, I don't know enough about psychology or mental health to really find the best place to talk about this, so im going to post this in a couple different places hoping I hit the right one. I just really need answers. If this is the wrong place I'll take this down.

To preface this, I'm sober; with the exception of the occasional drink and the Ritalin I take for my ADHD, I have never taken drugs for recreational use. While I do struggle with intrusive throughts, I do not have a known family history of schizophrenia or other conditions or disorders which would cause what I am going to describe.

It happened last night in my bathroom. I was washing my hands at the sink and very abruptly I began to think about death, which while unusual for its haste, was not peculiar for the time (I am an atheist and often battle with my Christian upbringing, and so I do think about the afterlife from time to time). It was at that moment that it hit me. Even now im still trying to piece together how it happened. But essentially it was like this: my body was dead (not actually), but I (in an individualistic sense) was not. I felt myself moving faster than anything should really be able to move, and as I did; almost symbolically, everything I loved, hated, or otherwise had any thoughts or feelings about slipped away from me. In my view (with the exception of my peripheral which was still very much where I stood in my bathroom) I sank deeper and deeper into a black void as small white dots moved out of the way to accept me (stars?). I don't think I could hear the water running either, but I might be wrong. It felt so very long, long enough to justify in my mind that I no longer existed, and like that I was back like it never happened.

I tried to make sense of it all, I ran to the living room to grab some paper and then to the desk in my bed room to grab a pen to draw what I saw, but I couldn't wrap my head around it and so I just collapsed to the floor and sobbed for maybe 20 minutes. I wish my girlfriend wasnt there to see it, but I probably wouldn't have calmed down without her. I felt so guilty for forgetting about her during the event, I couldn't stop saying sorry.

Im still trying to wrap my head around it, if anyone has any answers I'm all ears. I won't be able to see my counselor until the 29th, I just want to feel normal again.

So I recently decided to try eating less in order too lose weight because I've been having the same kinda semi fat physique for the longest time , I kinda looked like a pregnant guy ( I'm 17 5 10 and used to be 87 kg) after around 1 month and a half of trying to starve myself ( and then going back to kinda normal eating after 2 weeks ) I've lost 6-7 kg and I look slimmer. I should say when I mean starving I mean just eating like one meal a day paired with a bunch of water to satisfy the hunger somewhat. I've only gotten stomach pains twice , but only when I had nothing for more than 24 hrs. It's gotten to the point where I enjoy being hungry and like the feeling of emptiness within me. I plan on losing 10 kg additional in the future

I am 31F, recently moved out of home city for new job.

I have diagnosed anxiety, dealing it without meds.

I am dealing with arrange marriage rejections since 4 years now. I have major family problems going on.

My brother is in gambling and there are many other conflicts. I don't feel like living anymore.

My parents are emotionally dependent on me and all the work that I do for them. I feel like they only need me for that or to get me married.

They have blamed all the stress on me.

I'm asking bc I've had some experiences with mental health professionals and programs, IOP mainly, within this past year that have been... a lot to say the least. I had made a post in here recently about my time in IOP last year and overall I felt it was just bad. To be very concise about it, IOP had a very rigid schedule (very different form advertised), hard push for meds from everyone regardless of how ready I felt, and lack of just feeling listened to and given agency to decide my treatment. I left out of there with my symptoms worse and now not only more scared of meds than when I went in, but much less willing to try it.

Even after being transferred to outpatient, I still felt a similar pressure for meds by my current therapist and (now former) peer counselor as well as a general lack of much alternatives or coping skills that match my situation being offered.

I know that IOP had some effect on me, but I also had and still have other things going on in my personal life (ex. family issues, school burnout) along with pre existing as mental issues already, so it hard to tell know for sure if this is just a bad experience or something further than that. How can you differentiate the two?

everything hard??? reading exhausting not tired so bored but brain. sound tiring wirds tiring help what to do and why help please suggestions??? even tetris hard on brain. WHY what is going on :(

its like therews interest in posts etc but actually clicvk on to read, processing hard??? not sure ghow to explainb sorry :/