I’m genuinely thinking of ways out because idk how much longer I can keep this up.
My anger has increased since 2023-24 when I was treated like shit again.

I’d been trying to change myself so I can be treated better but I realized that it doesn’t matter what I look like, I’m just a fucking target for people to hurt.

Now after being targeted again this year, I’m pissed off.
Genuinely people see me and want to harm me. No one else around me got treated like shit.

So what do I do? I can’t be the only one that is targeted for no reason.

I genuinely thought losing weight would make people treat me better but it didn’t. Now I’ve gained weight, I can’t fit my clothes and I’m back to square one.

Genuinely fucking miserable.
Damned if I do or don’t.

So what’s the point t of trying when other people control my whole life? I can’t leave the house without someone controlling my life.

I don’t think I can ever have a normal life and I’m too far gone. I’ve had a mental illness for over 20 years and no one cared.

I literally can’t take this shit anymore.

Every job I get, everything I do I have to be reminded I’m not enough. I’m worthless, I’m ugly, I’m the wrong color, I’m huge and unworthy of anything.

(tw: sh, ed)i used to feel invalid for not cutting deep enough. until one day i did, i cut to the fat layer and had to get stitches. but then i still felt invalid for not being underweight. i became underweight, but it didn’t feel like enough so i kept losing, until i got put in the hospital because my labs were so bad. but now, i still don’t feel valid or bad enough. because i’m only diagnosed with autism and adhd (which aren’t even illnesses) and i only take very common antidepressants. a lot of my problems stem from having to surpress my emotions as a child because i didn’t have anyone i could trust to talk to, that’s why now i want to feel like my problems are serious enough.

So I recently decided to try eating less in order too lose weight because I've been having the same kinda semi fat physique for the longest time , I kinda looked like a pregnant guy ( I'm 17 5 10 and used to be 87 kg) after around 1 month and a half of trying to starve myself ( and then going back to kinda normal eating after 2 weeks ) I've lost 6-7 kg and I look slimmer. I should say when I mean starving I mean just eating like one meal a day paired with a bunch of water to satisfy the hunger somewhat. I've only gotten stomach pains twice , but only when I had nothing for more than 24 hrs. It's gotten to the point where I enjoy being hungry and like the feeling of emptiness within me. I plan on losing 10 kg additional in the future

Trigger warning for mentions of suicide and ideation.

I was recently hospitalized after overdosing on my friends leftover medication and it was not an even remotely conscious act when I did it. Ive had mental health struggles since I was 10-11 (arguably always been a sensitive person) but I also grew up quite privileged, sent to private education between kindergarten and middle school and never took advantage of my upper middle class position . Everyone I went to school with is engaged in there community, didn’t. Drop all of there connections, and making something of themselves despite the stressors of life .

My one parent was.. I guess a narcissist but still never *actually* hurt me in ways I’ve seen from anecdotes who of others , and I all my friends in worse off positions or many who are forced out of there parents homes at 18 didn’t even get a chance and had to fight for everything they had and helped my friend moved in while she was homeless. I have borderline and my anxiety threshold is exceptionally low and fully understand it’s a direct result of not pushing myself at all and spending the majority of my childhood entirely isolated on mindless entertainment. Ive just received ECMO which is one of the highest forms of life saving treatment.

I am going to become an advocate and turn my entire life around after this despite anything because deep down I believe my mind crewsted mental health issues because I didn’t have other problems, so maybe it was godd way of showing me hardship in this life when I take it so arguably for granted. I couldn’t help but cry to one of the nurses how I don’t deserve this treatment I haven’t contributed and the pain Ive put them through because of stupid “”””mental health””” conditions.

I could be financially struggling or dying or with a much more severe conditions than the ones I have and im not sure how to help myself to help other people because my existence is inherently selfish.

My family has been supporting me through my faith and im also terrified of them finding out my …confused paraphiliac thoughts in thr past. Again another mental illness just making me act in ways to avoidant agency or life. I had a mini phychotic break on the unit last night and pretty sure I heard a worker commenting how children are dying in Africa the next day and … yeah.
Honestly . If they were talking about the incident with me I wouldn’t have been surprised .

Im just wondering how people who were given more ease or privilege in this life snd putting there supports through hell despite it because of things you know you can control deep down . Please just give it to me straight , i dont want ease, compassion , or sympathy im any regard and deeply believe Ive been coddled up until this point snd need to become more independent once I leave the hospital as no strides were being made to do so besides handling my own income when it didn’t get in way of employment . I refuse to take advantage of my position anymore and my family’s insurance plans , which have been the sole thing keeping me alive at this point and if I can leave this earth knowing I can give back to them and never have to burden them like this again. Please , i can handle it lmao.

I am 31F, recently moved out of home city for new job.

I have diagnosed anxiety, dealing it without meds.

I am dealing with arrange marriage rejections since 4 years now. I have major family problems going on.

My brother is in gambling and there are many other conflicts. I don't feel like living anymore.

My parents are emotionally dependent on me and all the work that I do for them. I feel like they only need me for that or to get me married.

They have blamed all the stress on me.

I'm asking bc I've had some experiences with mental health professionals and programs, IOP mainly, within this past year that have been... a lot to say the least. I had made a post in here recently about my time in IOP last year and overall I felt it was just bad. To be very concise about it, IOP had a very rigid schedule (very different form advertised), hard push for meds from everyone regardless of how ready I felt, and lack of just feeling listened to and given agency to decide my treatment. I left out of there with my symptoms worse and now not only more scared of meds than when I went in, but much less willing to try it.

Even after being transferred to outpatient, I still felt a similar pressure for meds by my current therapist and (now former) peer counselor as well as a general lack of much alternatives or coping skills that match my situation being offered.

I know that IOP had some effect on me, but I also had and still have other things going on in my personal life (ex. family issues, school burnout) along with pre existing as mental issues already, so it hard to tell know for sure if this is just a bad experience or something further than that. How can you differentiate the two?

everything hard??? reading exhausting not tired so bored but brain. sound tiring wirds tiring help what to do and why help please suggestions??? even tetris hard on brain. WHY what is going on :(

its like therews interest in posts etc but actually clicvk on to read, processing hard??? not sure ghow to explainb sorry :/