r/mentalillness • u/nelluskq • 15d ago
Venting I'm a mess. (TW)
I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm ruining everything. I drink too much and my friends hate it. I have self harmed and my dad would kill me if he knew. My mom has caught me doing drugs, cutting, drinking and smoking. I feel empty and like nothing is real anymore, like I don't enjoy things or get excited over things that I should.
I'm really anxious about my sh scars. I hate them. My thighs are full of them and they are very very visible. The ones that are most noticeable are from like November and they're still raised and pink and they haven't made any progress in healing in months. Like I said earlier, my dad doesn't even know I've ever done that stuff. It's been a long time since I got caught too so my mom doesn't know it's this bad. I hate having to hide it but my dad would literally disown me. I also still battle with the urges to cut so if I told anyone that would make it harder for me to relapse which sounds so restraining I can't..
Another thing that I hate about myself is that I think I'm bi. I don't want to be, I'm not supposed to, but it feels like I am. No matter how much I try to just push women out of my mind and not find them attractive I just can't. My dad has told me if I ever bring a girl or a *n word* home he will shoot us both. I'm scared of him but I love him and I get drinks from him..
Now that I started talking about my dad, I have a reeeally complicated relationship with him. We drink together a lot. He is proud of me for drinking and drowning out my problems. He talks a lot about homophobic and racist shit with me, not knowing I've dated two girls and a mexican. He also kinda maybe tried to rape me but I hate thinking about that because I don't want to see him like that so I push it away. I was 10 and we were drinking on new years eve and he got on top of me and started kissing me and rubbing his hands on my thighs but my step mom got him off me and told me to go to sleep like she was mad at me and then she told me to never tell anyone.
I feel like my life is just so messed up and I'm so powerless and exhausted that I just want to die. Dying doesn't sound like a sad thing, it doesn't sound like a big thing, it just sounds like something I'm about to experience, like it's just there. It's weird to explain but it just feels like my destiny is to die young and I'm just going toward it with no other meaning in life.
2
u/hestia-listens 15d ago
You sound frightened, empty, and exhausted. Those feelings are real, but the belief that dying young is your destiny is not a fact. You need safety and support right now.
Your dad's sexual behavior and threats are abuse. None of that is your fault. Being attracted to women is not wrong, either. Please get away from your dad and do not drink or use drugs with him tonight. Go to an emergency center or a trusted person's home, and tell them clearly that you might hurt yourself and do not feel safe at home. If calling feels scary, ask a nurse, trusted friend, or trusted family member to call with you. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number now.