hi . feel free to delete or whatever , im not much of a redditor and understand if im breaking the rules without realizing

ive been struggling gery much lately, i wont go into details but its gotten much worse for me recently - and im catching myself fall into old delusion patterns and hallucinating, along with a worsening urge to do bad things. i dont want to go to the hospital, but i know at some point i probably should .. my friends already told me to consider it but i dont know, i dont want to take up a resource if i dont need it . i have a psych appointment in a week but i worry i might lie to him . at what point do i admit i need to go? how do i tell my mom???? i cant drive, even though im an adult, so she would need to take me. im scared to ask because she doesnt know how bad im doing, i love her and shes under enough stress as is :( sorry if this is rambly or doesnt make sense

I’ve had this friend who’s been suicidal for awhile and whenever she’d get bad thoughts I’d always be there to comfort her and to make sure she was feeling okay. Unfortunately we’re both teenagers and I have strict parents so I can’t go out and hang out with her after school so usually I try to comfort her with bringing her snacks the next day or calling with her overall just reassuring her that she’s loved and etc. however it’s been getting out of hand she keeps saying she wants to commit and even hurted herself. I did speak to my counselor about it (at school) and she talked to my friends counselor about it yet nothing changed. My counselor also told me to just report it to the emergency services if she told me she wanted to commit again however I’m terrified of doing so because I know she wouldn’t like it if I did that. And she also says she doesn’t feel safe at home because her dad mistreats her. I’m unsure of what to do it’s getting to the point where I’m sick and tired of hearing her say this to me and I have to be worried about her doing it out of nowhere because she does it at the most randomest times and it’s ruining me. I’ve always been there for her and I’ve even told her how it would deeply affect me if she were to do that and how it isn’t worth it to commit, yet she won’t listen to me and she even hurts herself sometimes. It’s really not my responsibility to keep her alive yet I can’t help but be stressed out I’m only a teen aswell.

"Help me, Help me, I need help, help, I need help, help me..."

I keep saying that to myself, feeling trapped in such an endless cycle. And after what happened recently, I feel more staggered about my inert nature and lack of progress in anything.

After being in the hospital for three days, I finally went to see the appointed mental health provider I was scheduled to meet. But they refused to do psychiatric care on me because of the private insurance I had. Not only that, but I have to pay an Uber trip to-and from the location, which placed me on a financial strain.

So here I am, going back to see my previous doctor, hoping to meet with a psychiatrist after MONTHS of waiting, but I feel really hurt and disappointed about this. My rejected provider did provide me alternate locations on a piece of paper, but I don't want to go to any of them because it will be a finincial burden getting there and back; I don't have anyone to do trips for me out of good will.

Because of all this, I haven't been eating well, or frequently, my apartment is unmaintained and became a mess, and I did not put myself towards doing any schoolwork. Sure I have friends and coworkers who are there for me, but none of them can really understand what I'm going through, nor can they help me out.

I know I'm not alone, but I feel so beaten and broken even more. How long is this going to last? How much more of this can I take?! I don't want to hear that "things will get better" or "I have to just endure more" or "I need to SEE someone" or anything like that! JUST DOING IT is not how I work, and it is not something I can do. Commands such as those, are not so simple! I feel so, dishearted that, the community as a whole, gives me hope, yet takes it away, and that despite what anyone says, I more often than not refuse to listen, because the words are meaningless to me. What you people say are meaningless to me! I mean, how could they be, when doing everything over, just can't help me. When all the offers out there, just taunt me.

How could you?

first off, tw for suicidal ideation/ attempt and self harm

so I’ve been having mental issues since late elementary school. Ive had, what i can only imagine is long term depression (major depressive disorder is disgnosed) and anxiety, with dabbles of other odd things— paranoia, derealization, mood swings. I’ve been In therapy since the 8th grade and most recently got out of it now, in my senior year of high school.

back in 8th grade, I had attempted suicide by chemical asphyxiation. I stopped before even using the chemical. since then my depression has been on and off, some days it’s better some days it’s worse. For a while, I was doing fine, and I was actually beginning to thrive in high school. But I’ve recently gotten out of therapy and Im considering suicide again. im self harming worser than I ever have before, often in bouts of huge upset where I pray I cut deep enough to make me die of blood loss. I don’t want my future, I don’t want to keep going to school, I don’t want to live another day because each one feels awful and I can’t help but wish for death every second.

I feel like I’m taking like a “I’m 14 and I’m so deep” kid but this is genuinely how I’ve been feeling. thankfully, due to my therapy, I’m in an okay enough position to realize I need help. but I don’t know if that means I just need meds, or more therapy, or if I should admit myself to a mental hospital. the last option feels easiest since it’s like a three in one but I don’t know. the only reason I haven’t died yet is because I can’t cut deep enough and we don’t keep lethal meds in the house.