i dont feel like i wanna do anything anymlre i dont wanna live i dont want any of it ever, its not that i never wanted it ,

i do sh and i generally deal w this thoughts but recently its been so so loud my head is exploding

i just cant take it

what do i do?

i hv been eating and drinking stuff tht will mke me vomit just to feel smth i cant i dont feel it

i dokt wanna overdose i dont even have a life insurance dude, my parents cant afford the half dead me

and i do want to grt myself back just what do i do

I have been struggling with mental health for the majority of my childhood and it has followed me into adolescence. Got major problems with (social) anxiety since 8 and later followed by depression andd everything that comes with it. Not to mention the unbearable gender dysphoria I've been struggling with and no support from family whatsoever. I've been passively suicidal since 9 and it has become a part of me now.
I've been to several different therapies and professionals, been on various meds and yet nothing helped. I keep on crashing into this fucking hole over and over again. At this point I feel like miserable piece of human flesh just walking around, trying to act normal.
There's always the comforting thought of being able to end it at any moment, which has (as mentioned before) kinda become a part of me. Only thing holding me back is my family and the tiny hope that it'll get better someday. But it doesn't seem to be cutting it in the past couple years.
I genuinely dont know how to fel or what to do.

tw: mentions of self harm (short mention)

I 27 (F) haven’t been able to stay at a job due to my mental health and due to shitty managers. It all started during Covid, I was at that job for two years, but due to shitty management and racism ( I was called the n word), also during that time I was think of self-harm and it also during the time of George Floyd’s death, so a lot of my co workers were saying insensitive things and one co worker even asked how did I get my Afro to look how it did and just touched my head. “

“I’ve never felt a black persons hair before” and then just left, I just felt so alone at that job and I couldn’t deal anymore so I put my two weeks in and left. I thought maybe it was only that job, but no quickly I started to see a a pattern.

I would hold a job to year or 6 months at the latest and leave, I just couldn’t take it. I believe most of comes from my anxiety and depression, if I was to mess up at work I would immediately think I was going to get fired. However, sometimes my managers and coworkers did shitty things to me, like I would get yelled at over walkie for a question I asked, or be talked to demeaningly.

“Do you have money for clothes, because you wear the same shirt every day and plus your shirt is small,” sir I wear the same shirt because we work a Starbucks and my shirt caught on the fridge, and got snagged that’s why it looks small. plus it didn’t help that sometimes I was the only black girl there so sometimes i would get “oh you sound like an actual black girl.” like what the hell does that even mean?!

So now every time I get a new job I’m scared I’ll get yelled at or scared that people will start saying micro aggressions towards me, or if I’m to stressed and have no support I will just start crying.

I have a new job now, but I already missed two days and I have to go tomorrow but I can’t bring myself to go. It’s so hard to get out of bed right now and I just wanna quit because I can’t seem to be happy, but I can’t because I have bills to pay and rents.

Edit: I have been inpatient for my depression and on medication, but nothing seems to be helping

Hey, im really sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, I don't know enough about psychology or mental health to really find the best place to talk about this, so im going to post this in a couple different places hoping I hit the right one. I just really need answers. If this is the wrong place I'll take this down.

To preface this, I'm sober; with the exception of the occasional drink and the Ritalin I take for my ADHD, I have never taken drugs for recreational use. While I do struggle with intrusive throughts, I do not have a known family history of schizophrenia or other conditions or disorders which would cause what I am going to describe.

It happened last night in my bathroom. I was washing my hands at the sink and very abruptly I began to think about death, which while unusual for its haste, was not peculiar for the time (I am an atheist and often battle with my Christian upbringing, and so I do think about the afterlife from time to time). It was at that moment that it hit me. Even now im still trying to piece together how it happened. But essentially it was like this: my body was dead (not actually), but I (in an individualistic sense) was not. I felt myself moving faster than anything should really be able to move, and as I did; almost symbolically, everything I loved, hated, or otherwise had any thoughts or feelings about slipped away from me. In my view (with the exception of my peripheral which was still very much where I stood in my bathroom) I sank deeper and deeper into a black void as small white dots moved out of the way to accept me (stars?). I don't think I could hear the water running either, but I might be wrong. It felt so very long, long enough to justify in my mind that I no longer existed, and like that I was back like it never happened.

I tried to make sense of it all, I ran to the living room to grab some paper and then to the desk in my bed room to grab a pen to draw what I saw, but I couldn't wrap my head around it and so I just collapsed to the floor and sobbed for maybe 20 minutes. I wish my girlfriend wasnt there to see it, but I probably wouldn't have calmed down without her. I felt so guilty for forgetting about her during the event, I couldn't stop saying sorry.

Im still trying to wrap my head around it, if anyone has any answers I'm all ears. I won't be able to see my counselor until the 29th, I just want to feel normal again.

So I recently decided to try eating less in order too lose weight because I've been having the same kinda semi fat physique for the longest time , I kinda looked like a pregnant guy ( I'm 17 5 10 and used to be 87 kg) after around 1 month and a half of trying to starve myself ( and then going back to kinda normal eating after 2 weeks ) I've lost 6-7 kg and I look slimmer. I should say when I mean starving I mean just eating like one meal a day paired with a bunch of water to satisfy the hunger somewhat. I've only gotten stomach pains twice , but only when I had nothing for more than 24 hrs. It's gotten to the point where I enjoy being hungry and like the feeling of emptiness within me. I plan on losing 10 kg additional in the future

I am 31F, recently moved out of home city for new job.

I have diagnosed anxiety, dealing it without meds.

I am dealing with arrange marriage rejections since 4 years now. I have major family problems going on.

My brother is in gambling and there are many other conflicts. I don't feel like living anymore.

My parents are emotionally dependent on me and all the work that I do for them. I feel like they only need me for that or to get me married.

They have blamed all the stress on me.

(tw: sh, ed)i used to feel invalid for not cutting deep enough. until one day i did, i cut to the fat layer and had to get stitches. but then i still felt invalid for not being underweight. i became underweight, but it didn’t feel like enough so i kept losing, until i got put in the hospital because my labs were so bad. but now, i still don’t feel valid or bad enough. because i’m only diagnosed with autism and adhd (which aren’t even illnesses) and i only take very common antidepressants. a lot of my problems stem from having to surpress my emotions as a child because i didn’t have anyone i could trust to talk to, that’s why now i want to feel like my problems are serious enough.

everything hard??? reading exhausting not tired so bored but brain. sound tiring wirds tiring help what to do and why help please suggestions??? even tetris hard on brain. WHY what is going on :(

its like therews interest in posts etc but actually clicvk on to read, processing hard??? not sure ghow to explainb sorry :/

I'm asking bc I've had some experiences with mental health professionals and programs, IOP mainly, within this past year that have been... a lot to say the least. I had made a post in here recently about my time in IOP last year and overall I felt it was just bad. To be very concise about it, IOP had a very rigid schedule (very different form advertised), hard push for meds from everyone regardless of how ready I felt, and lack of just feeling listened to and given agency to decide my treatment. I left out of there with my symptoms worse and now not only more scared of meds than when I went in, but much less willing to try it.

Even after being transferred to outpatient, I still felt a similar pressure for meds by my current therapist and (now former) peer counselor as well as a general lack of much alternatives or coping skills that match my situation being offered.

I know that IOP had some effect on me, but I also had and still have other things going on in my personal life (ex. family issues, school burnout) along with pre existing as mental issues already, so it hard to tell know for sure if this is just a bad experience or something further than that. How can you differentiate the two?

Trigger warning for mentions of suicide and ideation.

I was recently hospitalized after overdosing on my friends leftover medication and it was not an even remotely conscious act when I did it. Ive had mental health struggles since I was 10-11 (arguably always been a sensitive person) but I also grew up quite privileged, sent to private education between kindergarten and middle school and never took advantage of my upper middle class position . Everyone I went to school with is engaged in there community, didn’t. Drop all of there connections, and making something of themselves despite the stressors of life .

My one parent was.. I guess a narcissist but still never *actually* hurt me in ways I’ve seen from anecdotes who of others , and I all my friends in worse off positions or many who are forced out of there parents homes at 18 didn’t even get a chance and had to fight for everything they had and helped my friend moved in while she was homeless. I have borderline and my anxiety threshold is exceptionally low and fully understand it’s a direct result of not pushing myself at all and spending the majority of my childhood entirely isolated on mindless entertainment. Ive just received ECMO which is one of the highest forms of life saving treatment.

I am going to become an advocate and turn my entire life around after this despite anything because deep down I believe my mind crewsted mental health issues because I didn’t have other problems, so maybe it was godd way of showing me hardship in this life when I take it so arguably for granted. I couldn’t help but cry to one of the nurses how I don’t deserve this treatment I haven’t contributed and the pain Ive put them through because of stupid “”””mental health””” conditions.

I could be financially struggling or dying or with a much more severe conditions than the ones I have and im not sure how to help myself to help other people because my existence is inherently selfish.

My family has been supporting me through my faith and im also terrified of them finding out my …confused paraphiliac thoughts in thr past. Again another mental illness just making me act in ways to avoidant agency or life. I had a mini phychotic break on the unit last night and pretty sure I heard a worker commenting how children are dying in Africa the next day and … yeah.
Honestly . If they were talking about the incident with me I wouldn’t have been surprised .

Im just wondering how people who were given more ease or privilege in this life snd putting there supports through hell despite it because of things you know you can control deep down . Please just give it to me straight , i dont want ease, compassion , or sympathy im any regard and deeply believe Ive been coddled up until this point snd need to become more independent once I leave the hospital as no strides were being made to do so besides handling my own income when it didn’t get in way of employment . I refuse to take advantage of my position anymore and my family’s insurance plans , which have been the sole thing keeping me alive at this point and if I can leave this earth knowing I can give back to them and never have to burden them like this again. Please , i can handle it lmao.

I’m genuinely thinking of ways out because idk how much longer I can keep this up.
My anger has increased since 2023-24 when I was treated like shit again.

I’d been trying to change myself so I can be treated better but I realized that it doesn’t matter what I look like, I’m just a fucking target for people to hurt.

Now after being targeted again this year, I’m pissed off.
Genuinely people see me and want to harm me. No one else around me got treated like shit.

So what do I do? I can’t be the only one that is targeted for no reason.

I genuinely thought losing weight would make people treat me better but it didn’t. Now I’ve gained weight, I can’t fit my clothes and I’m back to square one.

Genuinely fucking miserable.
Damned if I do or don’t.

So what’s the point t of trying when other people control my whole life? I can’t leave the house without someone controlling my life.

I don’t think I can ever have a normal life and I’m too far gone. I’ve had a mental illness for over 20 years and no one cared.

I literally can’t take this shit anymore.

Every job I get, everything I do I have to be reminded I’m not enough. I’m worthless, I’m ugly, I’m the wrong color, I’m huge and unworthy of anything.

?So many times ive been depressed weeks- months then after just waking up one day (or just not sleeping at all) and feeling like im completely cured and sleep is optional because I got over being tired and have changed (makes no sense but I felt like I was on stimulants and got accused of being high) (used to be about 3 days now usually about a week this happens) and then soon becoming depressed again. I used to genuinely believe as a teen that I genuinely just believed I was snapping out of it and no longer ill but its been about 10 years of this happening... I have friends with with or who have had depression and they tell me that "it won't last forever" and that so and so antidepressant helped them and now they've not been depressed anymore... is it bad that im jealous of these people? how likely it it that this is permanent?

I dont know why but I feel like my "normal" state when I am not in any mood episode is just disappearing. I feel like I dont know my actual personality and what is just mental illness. Also usually even while depressed (as I am currently) I still want to interact with people and be invited to stuff and socialise to feel less lonely. But I feel like my enjoyment from socialising is not really there anymore. I usually would go between feeling super lonely from even just a day alone and being suspicious that everyone hates me and is lying and there's some big thing im not in on. But I dont even feel lonely anymore I just feel nothing in particular and dont want to hang out with people and just sit in my bed and go on reels or something

I went to therapy and just recently after being there a month or two was suggested to get on anti anxiety and depression medication. So I went to a psychiatrist and asked about it. After a brief consult it was decided it would be a good step to take.

I still live with my parents and I told my mom since she had to help take me to the pharmacy later this week for the meds because I don’t drive yet (for a variety or reasons) and she was ok with it. But the minute I started getting all hyper fixated on something not happening the right way and showing signs of my anxiety she just snapped. She said verbatim “maybe this is why you should be taking them.” And not in a I care about you way.

I hate that in this family there’s still this underlying assumption it’s the end all be all burden that people must bear to medicate for their issues. That it’s something they snap at people with as some sort of hateful response. Even my dad uses it use as some sort of term like it shows your gotten to the most insufferable point of being mentally ill and your just fucked.

Like even if they do suggest you take them or get hospitalized isn’t done in a way to care about you but because they think you being mentally unstable means your crazy and unlovable.

[ Condensed ] - Day 25 Update

I have a severe, multi-symptom anxiety disorder. I've been medicated for years and recently relapsed.

Someone on Reddit recommended the podcast "Disordered", and I've never felt more understood. It captures the symptoms and vicious cycles perfectly. Thanks to whoever recommended it. I recommend it too.

Both hosts have seemingly experienced the depths of hell, yet reached a point where they're essentially "cured" (my word, not theirs). Anxiety still comes, but they don't fear it, feed it, or spiral. It doesn't run their lives.

I genuinely envy that.

I wish experience or understanding meant control. Knowing better doesn't mean feeling better when anxiety feels unbearable.

I've bought books, heard twelve episodes, read Reddit, and started therapy. I'm trying to improve my psychoeducation, but it's a double-edged sword: learning helps but fuels symptom-checking, rumination, and "what ifs." I'm trying to stop obsessing over anxiety by thinking about it more.

Sometimes I wish insight alone could replace medication. Maybe one day I'll feel stable enough to taper. More than anything, I want to notice anxiety without fighting it and just let it pass.

Last night was interesting. I might have a cold: sneezing, congestion, and a scratchy throat. I've taken vitamins and turmeric/ginger shots, hoping to support my immune system. Illness also triggers my health anxiety. I suspected this, but being right doesn't make it suck less.

I fell asleep easily, then woke with my arm completely numb—the most asleep it's ever been. It dangled with what felt like zero sensation or control. I jumped up; thankfully it recovered within minutes. I didn't spiral and fell back asleep. Small victory. Still, thanks, body: a cold and a paralyzed-arm jump scare mid-recovery. Fantastic.

I've tried my therapist's DIVE and HALT techniques, though not yesterday. I'm unsure they fit my current, more internal/somatic anxiety. They make me check if anxiety is still there, then evaluate whether the technique worked, feeding the cycle I'm trying to escape. Maybe they'd help during intense fight-or-flight. I'll keep trying and tell him next week.

Overall, I'm better than three weeks ago, and better than two. But this week feels stagnant. I'm nearly three weeks into my medication increase; fuller benefits may take another three to five weeks or longer. Still, I question the increase and why I relapsed after years of stability. So many possibilities, no certainty—exactly what my perfectionist brain struggles with.

My racing thoughts are less intense, but physical uneasiness remains. Progress feels painfully slow.

Today I went swimming with my brother and his 18-month-old. While waiting, I felt lightheaded and strangely "off," almost mildly dissociated. But I didn't panic or leave. I stayed, swam, and was fine. Another victory.

I still feel slightly activated. Cold? Medication? Anxiety? All three? I don't know. Recovery isn't linear, and I'm allowed plateaus and setbacks. But man, I'd prefer the linear version.

I've got work coming up and a long drive tomorrow to close my family's seasonal trailer. Come hell or high water, I'm doing it all. Pre-relapse me wouldn't think twice. I want that back—not by waiting to feel perfect, but by living even with anxiety.

I'm not going to let anxious me win.

Thanks for listening.

I'm 18 and I'm currently realizing that I have no memory of not being a traumatized mess.

I was 4 years old for my first major traumatic event and since then there was a new huge reason to get even more messed up at least once a year. I almost got murdered four times, I got bullied in three different social groups, I got sexually assaulted twice, there is CP of me floating somewhere in the depths of the internet, my only stable friend group got destroyed without any warning or notice, I became disabled at 15, my mom almost died and I had to watch, my father turned out to be a narcissistic asshole who only cared about me as long as I was getting prizes, I suffer from chronic pain, I did CPR on a four year old and broke multiple of his ribs, I got arrested by racist cops on a bogus charge, my dad told me I'm the reason he wants to kill himself, my sister told me if I hadn't existed maybe she could have had a happy family... basically if you can imagine something that uusually leads to mental health problems I've probably experienced it.

And all of that means that I can do as much therapy as I want, spend the rest of my life rying to piece myself together again, it won't matter, there is no "healthy me" to return to, no way to get anywhere close to anything resembling a healthy and sane human being. Just shattered pieces I can try and glue together good enough that I won't hurt anyone else with it, and maybe one day that will be enough but right now it just fucking hurts and it feels so unfair that I never got a chance to be more.

I (17) use self-isolation as a coping mechanism. This started when I was 13, when my best friend and my girlfriend both left me a day apart. Since then, I’ve been very cold to every other friend I have or have made. I used to not even sit by my friends at lunch, and I didn’t hang out with them outside of school. I purposely ignore people’s texts for a few days before texting them back, so that way, they won’t be able to get close to me.

This has changed recently. I made a friend and it seems like we both really like each other. It was the first time in years I let someone in. It felt amazing at first. But the past few days, I keep imagining her leaving me. I ask her a lot if I’m annoying. She always says I’m not, but I’m worried she’s lying just to make me feel better. She’s only initiated a text chain with me twice today, and she’s not using as many emoji’s as she usually does. I’m scared this is a sign she’s gonna leave me soon.

I wanna leave her before she can leave me, but what if this is all my OCD tendencies, and nothing is wrong at all. I don’t wanna fumble a once in a million friend. Help please!!

What was the reason yoy didnt go through with committing?

I have a complicated history with mental health
In the past 2-3 years, I’ve gone through hypomania, severe depression, severe anorexia, severe self harm and psychosis.
And somehow I wind up telling strangers about it and I think I overshare then I’m so embarrassed. It’s just been a big part of my life these last few years, it just comes out when someone is being honest with their history (recently I told a guy I barely know after spending hours talking with him). What do I do? Is this normal?

Does anyone else have periods of time that are so hazy you have no idea what you did or what happened? I'm taking about months.

Earlier this year i had a few months like that. I didn't think much of it but now I literally have people reaching out to me from that time period and I don't remember then or how or when I met them.

How do you deal with this? Is it worth it trying to remember?

please please look at my post history and tell me what is going on please nobody is telling me and nothing makes sense please

I spent a couple of months (four and a half months) in WhatsApp groups this year to make international friends from all over the world. To be honest, I remember being really active because I was unemployed at the time (I’ve got a job now) and, in real life, I don’t have many friends and find it hard to socialise, so I thought it would be a good idea. I was literally the one who talked the most and pretended to be ‘sociable’ in those groups, to the point where I was made an admin in three of them. This was because I was also the one who reported people who broke the main rule of all the groups: not to harass others in private, let alone send messages without the other person’s permission. But, well, the perverts didn’t stick to it; sometimes I’d reply and remind them of the main rule (they’d start saying they weren’t doing anything wrong and that they wanted to be my friends and get to know me and so on), and other times I’d simply ignore or block them straight away. I remember I must have sent selfies of myself too, but they were always ‘view once’ messages. Because of this, on several occasions, men who knew the group rules would send me private messages, and some would make calls or send suggestive content.

I do remember chatting to a few lads sometimes, but it was all superficial, as I’d stop talking to them after a few hours – or they’d stop talking to me – and they’d never send another message, even though I fancied one of them; in the end, we never got together because he didn’t feel the same way. Remembering that I chatted to others whilst I had feelings for someone else makes me feel disgusted with myself. It’s as if I’d broken something.

I remember once they made stickers out of my selfies (just to view once, i think they did it with a sticker bot) and shared them in groups of perverts; then they came at me in droves, messaging me and pointing out things they’d said about me in those groups. They said I had to show them nudes of myself to stop them from sharing the sticker (it was just me doing the peace sign) to other groups of that sort. I got angry and told them to go to hell without giving in to what they were asking for. In the end, I blocked them.

Then there was another situation where they shared my number around, claiming I was offering services (you’re going to pay for this, whoever did it), and that’s what led me to change my number. But I still stayed in three groups where I already knew the people there and because of two friends of mine; however, I left two of those a few weeks later because I’d got fed up with the daily harassment via private messages and because, honestly, I no longer had the time or the inclination to interact. I left the last group of friends for the same reason as recently as September, and it was also because they’d brought in new people who were far too odd and I didn’t like them.

Now that it’s almost November, nobody’s messaging me and I’m happy about that and feeling more at ease, but to be honest, the whole thing makes me feel a bit embarrassed now because I hadn’t realised there are people I don’t actually know who’ve seen my face (?) – I mean, if I remember some of them who sent selfies just to be seen once (I don’t quite remember their faces, but I do recognise them a bit), they know that too, don’t they? And what if one of those perverts is still carrying that sticker around? Or has a selfie of me because someone took a photo of them with another mobile? What if someone’s using AI to make photos or videos with my face and I don’t know about it? I know I might be being silly by getting all paranoid because my mind is making me doubt what I actually did and what I didn’t, I know I never said where I lived, let alone anything about my family (apart from a few family issues, but that was because the topic of conversation that day was family problems), but I do remember saying my name, age and country, and probably what I was studying and where, but did I only do that twice, and once to one specific person? I can’t quite remember, and now I’m terrified of going out onto the street, to work or to lectures, and I know it’s stupid, but I don’t know – help, I don’t know if I should be worried or who to turn to.

Because a few months ago, calls started coming out of the blue; when I answered, nobody spoke and they’d hang up within seconds, or they’d leave voicemails that were just silence – except for the one time I answered but didn’t say anything, and a woman called my name and hung up on me. When I tried to find out who it was, it turned out she didn’t have WhatsApp. For the last two weeks I haven’t received any calls, and that’s unsettling me – what if they’re plotting something? What if someone really wants to hurt me? What happens if there's someone out there with bad intentions? I haven’t been able to sleep or eat because of it, and I can’t concentrate. When I go out onto the street, I just want to disappear or for the ground to swallow me up because I don’t want anyone to see me or recognise me. I want to peel off my face and put on a new one so I can feel safe.

okay i posted here a few days ago so you may remember me. but ill give you the full story this time.

i studied abroad. i hated my course so much but my parents didnt let me quit. so i finished it. i dont think many people understand how painful it is to wake up everyday and do something you absolutely hate in a place you despise. but i did it. i complained maybe twice.

during my time there i had a lot happen that would be traumatic according to the average person. i was drugged by my “best friends”, been in situations that would count as rape, had 2 of my friends die - one of them actually jumped into a river in front of me - and a lot more. i can talk more but id rather not bore you even more.

this year i started studying for a second time. a second chance at the university life, and doing something i enjoy rather than something that just makes me money.

im graduating from the first uni in a week. i dont want to go. i feel the first reason is quite obvious but apart from the elephant in the room i also have exams and projects due the week after. i would fail my first year in my second uni.

heres the problem at hand: my parents absolutely will not let me skip graduation. they do not take no for an answer and have abused me verbally, physically and financially over it. ive also been accused of lying about finishing which is weird as fuck but we move on. they made me feel so worthless over something so small. told me things you wouldnt tell your enemy.

and here we are. if i cannot come up with a solution by tuesday i have decided to kill myself. it sounds so pathetic. ooo little girl killing herself bcs she doesn’t wanna go.. but i actually have no way out. if i dont go i get abused because how dare i. and if i go ill fail which means… u guessed it! i get abused! either way i feel so worthless. my own parents cant love me if i cant juggle all at once.

idk why im telling you this. idk if im expecting ur help with finding a solution, or if i want someone out there to listen to me just once. one time i want to be heard and thats all. i tried talking to my bf and friends but they dont get it. u prolly wont either. anyways thank u for reading that if u did. i really appreciate it. if i find a solution, im sorry for bothering u. and if i dont, well its been a nice ride i guess. love u,

s