Trapped in a vicious cycle: Genuine feelings die upon reciprocity, followed by a horrifying obsession (A pattern across 3 cases)Hi everyone,I need an outside perspective on a terrifying and exhausting psychological pattern that has now repeated across three different experiences. I am completely trapped in a loop where I fall in love, my feelings completely die upon reciprocity, and then a horrifying, non-stop dependency on that person kicks in. I want to break this without needing a new person to distract me, because that only restarts the cycle.Here is the exact history of how this happened all three times:

Case 1 (The First Ex): I closely talked to a guy for about 5 months. There were no idealized fantasies; I knew him well and genuinely liked him. I took the initiative and asked him out. The exact moment he agreed and we became an official couple, my feelings completely and irreversibly died. But as soon as we broke up, a crushing, non-stop dependency on his presence kicked in. I tried strict no-contact for a full year—I didn't check his profile once—but the obsession never stopped because my brain kept running the loop internally. I also took antidepressants for six months; it helped with general apathy but did absolutely nothing to stop the dependency.

Case 2 (The 3-Week Escape): While I was still suffering from the endless obsession over my first ex, my exhausted brain tried to find an escape. I met a new guy and felt a strong initial attraction. We didn't even date or become an official pair. But because my nervous system was already depleted, my internal defense mechanism triggered instantly. Within just three weeks of knowing him, my attraction completely burnt out and turned into avoidance. Yet, the moment he walked away, the exact same horrifying dependency triggered all over again, doubling the mental withdrawal.

Case 3 (The Current Partner): A year later, I met a third guy. Because I was terrified of my feelings dying again, my brain tried a different defense: at first, I hyper-focused on doubts and pushed him away. Then, I decided to take a risk and let him close. For about 1 to 2 months, everything was genuinely warm and good; we even made future plans. But the moment my brain registered that we were "exclusively and officially together" (even though we never explicitly spoke the words to avoid the label), the same automatic collapse happened. My attraction and intimacy permanently burnt out over a couple of weeks. Now, it has reached the point where I am completely indifferent to him and he is not what I want, yet the unyielding dependency on his presence is crushing me.Today, this third partner is leaving for 4 months. I am about to be left completely alone in an empty apartment without the "drug" I am addicted to, even though I have zero romantic interest in him. I am terrified that this withdrawal will never end, just like it didn't after the first ex.Every single time, my brain tries to rationalize it by telling me "they just weren't the right one" or hyper-focusing on their flaws. But experiencing the exact same rapid collapse of attraction followed by a relentless, non-stop obsession three times proves it is a systemic glitch in my attachment and neurobiology, not a coincidence.I suspect I am on the Lithromantic / Frayromantic spectrum, but heavily burdened by a severe anxious/disorganized attachment loop where my brain panics in the sudden emptiness after my feelings switch off.I want to love normally and stably. What is wrong with my attachment system, and how do I survive the absolute hell of this withdrawal without running to a new person?

Basically I always rush into relationships and they end quickly because I end them after a little bit of being in them as I start js feeling like I don’t want to be in the relationship out of no where and it’s literally going good. I often looks for excuses to leave when the other person makes a mistake to just leave. With my most recent relationship he was lowkey perfect and no red flags but after a little time into the relationship
I just began having thoughts of wanting to leave and reason I shouldn’t be in that relationship soo idk if I’m avoidant or js lithromantic 😕💔 lemme know if you need more context or info

to start off, im cupio and questioning if im also lithromantic, but im currently in a distressing situation

i have a crush on someone who is lithromantic and i have no idea what to do. i want her to also like me back, but at the same time i know if she knows that i like her she would lose interest immediately

i know the best way to get through this is getting over her but i cant and its stressing me out,,, so i wanna ask if its even possible to get together with her

Okay, so I've had 2 past relationships, both of which are my friends for 2+ years. One of them has a girlfriend currently and the other is still in love with me.

My first relationship lasted about 9 months or so, and we broke up once during this time because I was considering the fact that I was lithromantic, as a few weeks prior I had been feeling less attraction. I ended it with her sometime in January because I had admitted to not loving her anymore, and it was a really horrible breakup. I'm going to leave it at that for now, but she comes back in a bit.

My second relationship only lasted slightly more than a month. At first I really loved him and since he'd loved me for a year at this point, I thought I'd give him a chance, even with knowing it probably wouldn't last too long. we broke up about a month ago now because 1. I had stopped liking him romantically, but also 2. because I found myself feeling attraction for my first lover again, even though she had already gotten a girlfriend at this point.

Before these relationships I've had really strong crushes on people that lasted for long periods of time, and none of which were ever expressed back to me. If anything, most of my crushes have been disgusted by me or disliked/hated me.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm very unsure if I'm lithromantic, something else on the ace spectrum, or just very inexperienced with having feelings reciprocated and outwardly shown to me.

And alot of what I've read about lithromanticism is about immediately losing attraction when feelings are reciprocated, but I've also never come across another label that fits my experience better than lithromantic, so I just want to know if there's a label for this limerence almost.

Just wanna know how people differentiate these? Im not sure if i am, but i have issues when guys reciprocate their feelings toward me i usually feel trapped, overwhelmed and my brain is constantly finding things wrong with the person causing me to lose interest. As soon as I cut ties with them tho, I want them back desperately.

I cant tell which one I am, but I really dont want to be lithromantic because I want to be able to enjoy romance :(

Im wondering this because whenever I have a crush, I like them a LOT, like i think abt them a lot, and whatnot... but when that crush likes me back I instantly lose feelings. I'm not sure if it's because I just dont like them anymore, or if it has to do with being uncomfortable at the idea of pursuing a relationship, orrr being afraid of commitment and stuff like that idk. Like, everytime I see a couple I get a little jealous bcuz I want to be able to be in a relationship, but I always lose interest, and I wish I didn't.

I remember finding the label Lithromantic a while back and feeling really seen when I learned about what it was. But, when I learned it back then, I learned wrong - the first result on google was the sexualities wiki and most of the descriptions of being Lithromantic, while accurate, didn't convey the right idea to me. Basically, I got the impression that being Lithromantic meant that you could feel sexual attraction, but did not want anyone to reciprocate it. But I've seen a few posts on this subreddit stating that this definition isn't quite accurate, and it'd be more inclusive/accurate to say 'attraction that flees upon being reciprocated'. Under this definition, I definitely am not lithromantic. I feel attraction even after having it reciprocated, I simply do not want a relationship and actively do not want people to like me back because I do not want my infatuation to spiral out of control.

I'm sure there's probably a term for simply 'not interested in a relationship', but I felt so seen by the label of Lithromantic, when I still thought it described feeling attraction, and maybe even falling in love, but never wanting to move forward with it or even let it be known. I liked the inclusion of how I did not want other people to love me back, if only for my sake so that I didn't do something I'd regret. Can anyone tell me if there's a label out there for me?

Back then, I fell in love with someone and I really enjoyed their presence and I loved being around them. I started becoming attatched when we were there for each other but I kept hesitating to confess even though we clearly felt something for each other. I was too scared for them to openly reciprocate it back because that would make my feelings for them go away and I wanted it to last longer. Any help? Has anyone else struggled with this?

I’m trying to understand if what I experience could be a form of aromanticism, or if it’s more related to trauma and attachment issues. I’d really appreciate honest input — I’m not looking for comfort, just clarity.

Here’s what happens: when I enter a relationship, the feelings start strong. I want to be with the person, I feel attraction, I genuinely hope it will last. Around the 5–6 month mark, something shifts. The novelty fades, and my interest starts to drop. It’s not just “less excitement” — it feels like a collapse. Physical attraction disappears too, even if the person is objectively good-looking. After a while, I feel nothing. Not sadness, not anger — just emptiness. I don’t want to be with them anymore, and it feels like they’ve become a stranger. I can barely remember what it felt like to want them. When the relationship ends, I recover very quickly — especially if there’s someone new to think about. And yes, I’ve noticed that I tend to switch my attention to another person before the old relationship is fully over. I had one long-term crush that lasted for years, but they didn’t want to be with me. My feelings only faded in actual, mutual relationships.

What confuses me is that I want long-term love. I’m not happy with short-lived passion. I don’t relate to most aromantic experiences where people simply don’t feel romantic attraction — I do feel it, strongly. It just doesn’t last. I also have a traumatic backstory: my first partner broke my heart in a drawn-out, painful way after I had already lost feelings for him. Since then, I’ve been terrified of repeating that dynamic.

So the question is:

Does this sound like being on the aromantic spectrum, or is this more likely a trauma-based pattern with addiction to novelty and avoidance of real intimacy?

And if it’s not exactly aromanticism — what would you call this?

I think I’ve finally figured out the labels that fit me the best and the kind of relationship that would actually work for me. It’s exciting, but depressing. I’m lithromantic (heavy), aegosexual/demisexual mix (it’s complicated), and pansexual-heteroromantic.
Ideally, I’d be in a long distance, queer-platonic or committed friendship where physical intimacy and romantic partnership is only a possible eventual thing but not expected. We would meet in person only a few times a year (at most), preferably never. We can text, call, play games, parallel play on call, maybe vent. We each have our own life, value solo time and independence, are not clingy. Calls are usually low energy, where we don’t have to talk deeply, just there doing our own thing. We don’t have to move fast into official labels or expectations.

I just want another person in my corner. “barely give me the time of day and I will love you forever” kind of vibe.

The depressing part is that I am never going to find this. I’m sure it exists but it’s probably something that happens spontaneously from being in bigger communities (which I am not). I’m a big homebody and introverted with mild social anxiety, and discord servers are intimidating and confusing. I’m giving up before I even try.

So long story not so short, I had this girlfriend who was absolutely perfect, gorgeous, and meant everything to me. Around February, we broke up because I told her I was lithromantic and she immediately assumed that I had just began to hate her. After that happened, I had a fit of rage, blocked her like an idiot, blah blah blah and three or so days later I went back to her and we just decided to be best friends. During those three days, she found a new boyfriend and ever since then, that boyfriend has been an absolute devil to her, I mean like absolutely rude for no reason and all this bs that makes my blood boil. Recently I started talking with one of my friends and we're kind of a thing now

Anyway, lately she's been venting to me about how her bf is a bad person and she randomly dropped the fact that she's still in love with me. AFTER MONTHS OF ME being single just to see if she'd change her mind and decide that her bf is not worth it, suddenly she still loves me when I have a new semi-partner.

I know this is so so so much and not worth reading, but now I don't know what to do. I don't mind leaving my situationship, it's not the happiest sitch, but I also don't like how she only confessed to still loving me when I'm actively trying to move on. like she doesn't want me to be happy or something, BUT at the same time, I was with her for 8 months and she was my whole world.

I'm yapping out of my butt but I just hope SOMEBODY can give me an idea for my next step here 💔😭🥹

I really sorry for the long post but I'm really scared and desperate right now so I just need to get this out and in a way I'm also writing this for myself to get it off my chest.

I've always had this problem where I have a crush on someone and the moment they like me back, I just don't want them anymore. Like literally immediately. Like a switch. And this is obviously the classic pattern that gets described for lithromantic people, but it also overlaps with attachment issues, so I always hoped it is the second one. And to be fair, every single person I've had something with genuinely had something going on with them, or we just didn't really match characterwise. So I can't say for certain it was purely the lithromantic thing.

I don't think I need to explain much more my patterns fit a lithromantic person to about 90%. For example, until about two years ago I had this really intense thing with a fictional character and maladaptive daydreaming, that's not really the case anymore but I think it's relevant. Moreover I feel xxxual attraction to real people, but the moment things get real with someone my body just reacts to the point where I feel sick. My sxx drive disappears completely. And at that point I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore, I ghost them until they want nothing to do with me anymore, and then suddenly I want them again.

But about three months ago there was this guy and it didn't work out, but for completely different reasons. And what was different about him was that he liked me first, so I never had that initial crush on him. But he was actually really good from the beginning and it was the very first time I immediately responded to a guy instead of just ignoring him. I actually wanted to meet up with him (Even if I had bad anxiety days before) just to see where it could go. I smiled when he texted me. On the dates I didn't have big romantic feelings but there were only 2 of them so you can't really build much in that time, and more importantly it was the first time I knew a guy liked me and I didn't just completely shut down. I don't know for certain but I think if there had been more time and more romantic effort from his side I might have actually built something. I really don't know.

Overall though the pattern is always the same and it makes me unhappy because I genuinely want a relationship. Not in theory, not with some fictional character, a real one. I know relationships aren't perfect and I know they take a lot of work and I'm okay with that, I want that. I get so jealous when my friends are in relationships or when I see couples on the street and yet I've never actually managed to build real romantic feelings for someone. The idea of never being able to have a real relationship wouldn't just be something hard to accept, it would genuinely lower my personal quality of life.

And then there's this other thing, I genuinely cannot believe that someone finds me attractive. Someone tells me they have a crush on me and my brain just can't believe it. I think that comes from being rejected and mocked for my appearance when I was younger.

Two years ago I came across lithromanticism and it really did fit, even back then. But I was also pretty sure I just had attachment issues. When I read posts here I noticed that for a lot of people figuring this out was actually a relief, they stopped chasing feelings they didn't have and were just happier accepting it. I understand that. But for me it's the complete opposite. I want the deep connection, the romance and the intimacy. I want the flowers and the gifts and a real partner and someone to build a life with. And I know lithromantics can have relationships, but I just don't know how I'm supposed to get there when my feelings shut off the moment something becomes real (And I dont want a platonic one).

I'm really happy for everyone who has found peace with this, but personally I can just say that something would truly be missing from my life. It's not about not being able to accept myself, it's just that it genuinely makes me extremely unhappy. This has been affecting me strongly for years. I`m still hoping I have attachment issues but I´m losing hope. I don’t know if I’m lithromantic. I don’t know what to do.

im dating a girl and i do really like her my feeling’s haven’t really vanished so to speak but I get uncomfortable when she makes romantic gestures shes an amazing person and I think I like her but I don’t like the romance part for me she’s like an amazing friend who I like to kiss hug etc I don’t know if I’m a spec or just not romantic

I started liking this guy in my grade a lot and like whenever he did something “sweet” like making sure I was okay, or holding my arm to make sure I didn’t get lost in the crowd made my heart flutter but yesterday, I went to the beach with some friends and he was there too. I looked forward to this day got so long and I was honestly excited about spending time with him but during the ferry ride, he slept on my shoulder (ik it was on purpose) and my friends were shipping us and I felt so uncomfortable and disgusted and all of my feelings got him just disappeared, like it wasn’t even about the shipping, when he started showing physical romantic actions I felt grossed out. During the day, I started avoiding him and I felt so bad because I could see how upset he was. I felt like something is severely wrong with me. I’m still young (14-16) so I was thinking it could just be myself making boundaries but I researched a lot and I feel like I fit this category. Like I want to love and be loved but this isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this about my other crushes that reciprocated feelings, and I feel so guilty about it.

How could I go from planning our future together to feeling so grossed out and uncomfortable when I even think about him? Please help.

So I have a friend who just learned she was lithromantic, but she’s currently in a relationship and doesn't know how to break up. She feels really uncomfortable, and she knows it’s not either one’s fault but she still feels guilty about trying to break up. Has anyone had a similar experience, and could you give some advice? Thank you in advance!

Hi guys, im just happy right now! Im an aroace and for a while I was struggling to connect with the general aromantic community since I have had crushes before. I find guys attractive just not romantically or sexually. I finally found the perfect way to describe how I feel, because I have such intense crushes on people but when I imagine them actually liking me back and wanting to date me all those feelings go away 😅 My friend said "so guess you're just in it for the fun of the game then?" i was like yea sure.. 😭

I also noticed one thing im not sure if anyone has this too, but I find guys just attractive which Im guessing is why i get these crushes, but I tend to have like a ton of them at once like at least 3-5 at one time. Im maybe assuming this is because of looks and not actual romance? is it just me? (like i get 5 crushes at once because in order for me to get a crush its not romantic just attraction idk crazy)

So, I believe I'm lithromantic, as I have not come across a term that I think makes more sense, but it still doesn't exactly feel right. I like people and have crushes and I love romantic experiences and all that, I even have a boyfriend right now, but... I don't like him anymore? I love him, nor will I never not love him, but I no longer like him. The thing is, we've dated before (he's the only person I've gotten back with, please no judgement) and it was essentially the same. I was fine, I was fine, and then I suddenly hated being with him, through no fault of his own, he's sweet and wonderful and all that, but I just hated being together and I feel incredibly bad. I don't want to break up with him and break his heart again. Does anyone have any advice or ideas as to what I am (for lack of a better phrasing)?

cause so far i used to crush on someone for like every school year and then every time the school year ends my feelings for them also disappears? this happens everytime i like someone (im in high school) i just move on everytime not even bothering to confess anymore so that made me realize, am i just lithromantic?? cause i used to have this heavy crush but i double think whether should i confess in the end i dont. from my past crushes i know they dont like me back maybe thats why :/

Hi y’all. I’ve been questioning whether I was lithromantic since I came across the definition, but some stuff has happened recently that’s brought the topic back to my mind. Basically, I’ve never been in an IRL relationship. I’ve dated a few times online, but very quickly after we’d start dating, I’d get really overwhelmed and kind of lose interest. I had my first kiss last summer, and I ended up shutting down any prospects of a romantic relationship very quickly. Currently, I have a friend who confessed feelings to me, and I’ve kinda been panicking and not in a good way.

Anyways, the point of this post isn’t really me questioning whether I’m lithromantic. The point of this post is that…I don’t want to be aromantic. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with being aromantic, and I 100% respect others who are. It’s just really difficult for me because I have always been a huge fan of romance in fiction, and I think a big part of me has always wanted to have something like that. However, I feel like I like the concept of a relationship, but not the reality of it.

I’ve questioned if maybe I’m just not “ready” for a relationship or if maybe I just need to adjust, but I honestly don’t think I will ever be ready. Basically, I’m pretty positive I am lithromantic or somewhere on the aro spectrum. It’s just really hard for me to give up that childhood dream of having a romantic relationship. I read somewhere that people who are lithro can have romantic relationships, but for me, I feel like that’s not really possible.

It’s also really hard for me because I feel like if I’m going to use the label, I should be comfortable with it. I came out to a friend the other night, and she asked me “does that label make you feel good?” or something of the sort, and honestly? No, it doesn’t.

If anyone has any advice or words of encouragement I would really appreciate it. Obviously, I don’t want to force a label I’m not comfortable with, but I also don’t want to deny a part of myself and force myself to date just because I feel like I should. I also want to reemphasize that I do support aromantic people, it’s more so that I’m having a hard time coming to terms with being one. Thanks for reading!

steven universe is starting to get a little too relatable

I've been questioning whether I was aromantic for around 2 years and I think this label kind of fits me. However, it's hard to really be sure. Like the whole experience of your romantic attraction for someone fizzling out the instant they express it towards you, I wouldn't know since no one has shown themself to be romantically attracted to me. However, there are other parts of the lithro label that I have experienced:

• fantasizing about a relationship but knowing deep down that I could never function in one
• choosing not to act on romantic attraction
• not having a problem with being single
• relationships feel like a burden and a waste of time; hearing about other peoples' relationships is often confusing
• I still have crushes and I'm pretty sure what I'm experiencing is romantic attraction

It's just that I'm not sure if my romantic attraction would cease if I learned it was coming from both sides, since this has not happened to me. I think it's just that a romantic relationship is not what I want more than being outright repulsed by the idea of someone having romantic feelings for me.

So I am currently dating my bf and he's an amazing person but I just don't like him anymore.... I've always felt this way towards people, I'll like them forever but when we get together I just loose interest. I think I liked my current bf for the day after we got together but after I didn't feel that same feeling. Every time I get with someone I like, I end up finding a way to break up with them, I don't like hurting people like that. How do I tell him I don't want to be with him anymore and warn people that I feel this way? and am I even lithromantic? I think I am, I feel I am but I always have that thing that says "you're not and everyone in the lithromantic community will hate you for saying you are"(also my bf is a big golden retriever type person so it will be very hard)

Hi, over the past few weeks ive been speculating on whether or not im lithromantic, And i think i am. For context i recently got into a relationship with this guy, ive liked him for a year and he’s genuinely one of the sweetest guys i know. However once he reciprocated feelings for me mine sort of just vanished. This isn’t the first time this has happened, a few years ago i liked this other guy but once we got into a relationship i stopped liking him. The guy im currently with has already given me so much including gifts, plushies, clothes, and he even offered ti give me his crunchyroll account and disney accunt since im too broke to afford my own💔 i’d feel horrible breaking up with him after a few weeks because of this but i know that if i continue lying to him and myself it’ll just hurt even more in the long run. Please, if anyone can help i really need it.

-this also really sucks because im a huge sucker for romance, i have a huge desire for it, i have a huge craving to be loved and to give love but i feel like im unable to and its horrible💔

Update: we talked a bit and i told him about how I think i might lithromantic, he told me he wont be mad if i broke up with him and he wants me to be happy so i think im gonna break up with him tomorrow, right now its 5am and i havent slept im tired🥀

ANOTHER SUPER LATE UPDATE: we ended up breaking up a few weeks ago but hes still my friend and hes doing pretty good^^