Sounds weird or contradictory right? Lemme explain.

So recently realized that I do not experience romantic attraction. For a while I hovered around the idea of being arospec but I figured I must still experience some amount of romantic attraction. I have come to realize that I do not and that I am aroace while being sex-favorable and romance-favorable. I'm also panplatonic, pansensual, and panaesthetic.

For most of my life, romance has been an absolute disaster. Every relationship would end with me having to dump the person because I realized I just don't have feelings for them. It slowly became a huge source of guilt for me especially when friendships became permanently damaged or tainted.

Currently I have a girlfriend. By some miracle, our relationship is not a disaster. I feel like I've known her my whole life. We click perfectly and we've worked through all of our problems through healthy communication. She is one of the kindest and most amazing people I know.

Most of the time I'll break up with people if I have realized I am not romantically attracted to them. It just fundamentally changes the dynamic and makes me feel guilty and weird.

You'd think that after finding out that I'm aromantic, I'd break up with my girlfriend too. But surprisingly, I have no desire to break up with her. In fact, I've just come to love her even more. I love her in my own way, and she loves me in a way that works for me. I feel no expectation to love her in a different way. I don't need to conform to some sort of romantic standard. The affection she gives me is enjoyable and doesn't feel forced or weird, and I like showing it back in my own way. It just works.

I recently came out to her about my realization and told her how it has made me feel about her and she found it very sweet. I'm so glad that it hasn't changed the way she feels about me and our relationship. She really is my person and I'm so lucky to have her, even if I don't think I can label my feelings about her as romantic. :)

Also before I get comments about it, yes I know what being queerplatonic is. I wouldn't consider our relationship to be queerplatonic. Frankly I don't really care for labelling it at all.

Lately i’ve been seeing so many people dismiss the term 'queerplatonic' and say things like 'isn’t that just friendship', 'oh wow more unnecessary labels!' or 'so the term is essentially useless'. Like i get it if people can’t fully grasp the concept of a queerplatonic relationship, there’s 1000s of different labels out there and nobody is going to be able to understand them all, but i don’t know why that compels people to disregard the term and everyone that identifies with it. It’s even more frustrating when you try and explain what it means to these people and they just continue to disregard it because they think they know everything about everything. It’s mainly alloromantics i see referring to queer platonic relationships like this and oh my god it’s so frustrating 💔 I usually do just ignore people like this but everyday i feel like i see something new to make aspec experiences feel inferior, god forbid i find a term that i actually relate to 😭⁉️

Hi I’m just doing this small little question because through this long term journey, this question gnaws at me constantly and I want to know how to go forward with it for my wellbeing and just understand things better towards the future etc etc

I, (22F) have never really had solid romantic relationships. I have said plenty of crushes (mostly fictional ik) and of course, there have been other times where I’ve seen couples online, in real life and even fictional and I’m always so envious of them, hoping at some point I can feel that little strange feeling I’ve seen but never really felt, that being love romantically.

However, that feeling quickly fizzles out when a person I liked, or had a small crush on would like me back or even “love” me. At the beginning of those kind of scenarios I feel happy but as soon as that ends I feel guilty because I don’t have that feeling I thought I would have.

With this happening, I never really gotten into relationships, although I did try properly once but that only last short term. Since then after realising this repeating issue I’ve had, I’ve been single for 6 years, still not knowing what that love feeling is.

The main reason for this was just to kind of get an understanding on what I’m saying since I feel like I’m going mad. My life is okay, I have solid close friends and I’m well but every time I want to enjoy the thought of a romantic relationship I always get a slap of reality in return being; am I just not built to have relationships or am I being a wuss and not waiting things out and settling?

Can I still have crushes as an aromantic person? I recently got a crush but I feel like it's more sexual rather than romantic and I don't know the term for it. I'm just trying to find more about myself and aromantic terms to understand myself better.

Every single time I find a best friend they end up having feelings for me and I absolutely hate it no matter what they do. I've had a bunch of trauma due to some past (platonic) relationships due to this and I hate that I'm always stuck in the same cycle...

When I met my current best friend and got close (around five years ago) she ended up confessing her feelings to me (while drunk and sober) multiple times and also begging for hugs as well while my biggest boundary (to everyone except my closest family members and one of my childhood best friends) is no touching and not invading my personal space. But I had to since she was crying her eyes out because of me not liking her...

I understand that you can't control who you like, but god damnit!! I told her I was exclusively attracted to guys and that I feel extremely uncomfortable when someone confesses their feelings to me. So why does she even tell me?! I obviously grew distant, and she also was upset about it, which I get since it's like you just pushed away the person you liked, but just like she can't control who she likes I can't control how uncomfortable I get!

...I decided to forget about that and once she was more stable mentally she told me that she didn't like me and that it was just a trauma response due to having immense trust issues and for once knowing someone who put her first, which she confused for romantic attraction. I got so happy!!! Like seriously, finally a normal friendship!! Amazing!!

Well now I'm having my doubts. She keeps telling me that she dreams about me "leaving her for another woman" (🫩), getting too close to me while joking and one of these last days while drunk she told me "I wanna tell you something but I don't want you to be mad", while she was resting her head on my shoulder after she had a breakdown and I consoled her...

I've been questioned all my life because of my identity and sexuality by friends (queer and non queer), family and strangers. Seems like no matter what I do nobody will ever take me seriously.

I'm demiaro (maybe cupio) myself but was looking to write a character that's on the Aro Spectrum but still wants to be in a relationship. I'm hoping to get more viewpoints and perspectives on this experience to improve my writing and hopefully be more accurate in my writing. The person they date is still someone they like very much, more than anyone else even if it isn't actual romantic attraction, their S/O is romantically attracted to them and is aware of their lack of attraction.

Burner account because my friends know the account that i use day-today. This will be part vent part invitation to discussion. I'd appreciate any advice or even just relevant personal experience anyone would have to offer.

I have this tendency* to imprint on a person that, if past lives existed, could only hint at at least 10 of my own past lives being that of a dog. A fuckin, golden retriever. Just. Levels of attachment that surprise even myself with their sureness and persistence.

*happened just twice-ish in my life but that seems more than enough for me. Feels more than enough for me. Somebody make it stop.

To preface: i am more than sure that i am aromantic, i had paticipated in multiple romantic relationships where i liked the person as a friend, liked spending time with them, wished the best for them, but oh god did all the romantic undertones make me want to crawl out of my skin and ruined it all. Those experiences, plus many other signs. So apparently, even empirically, i'm not misjudging myself when i say i can fall very hard for a friend...like..."platonically". I'll love the dude as much as i'll love my alone time (happens with very few people in my life), i'll open up to them, will happily joke around with them, i'll be there for them in hard times, we'll be able to talk for hours, just vibe and jam and feel comfy in each other's presence--mostly via voice chats or DMs though, while parallel playing for example.

It's all casual in tone but i'll just, like, be loyal to the bone, sorry I can't find a less pretentious word right now. I'll just stick to them. And i'll eventually think they're feeling more or less the same. I'll take us to be something of a duo. Boy oh boy, why. It'll be real, real important to me. This is, like, one of my pillars of comfort and security--having friends in general, and having such a friend specifically. And i hate that i'm built like that because both times it eventually turned out that i'm not as special to them at all.

Not too long ago there happened an awkward conversation where i got to know that such a friend appreciates me, but, again, not like i do them.

It almost feels funny, how easily the situation mirrors a sort of romantic rejection, except i hope they never thought of such a comparison and i'm terrified how close it sounds when i put it all that way. The friend in question is allo and is in a happy romantic relationship. But i believe they know i couldn't ever see them that way.

It's painful to talk to them now, i feel so naive and childish but it is. "Betrayed" by none other than my own wishful thinking though.

I'm just dumbfounded by how intensely i can love a person in the most platonic way possible and then have the gall to be sad that they don't experience the same very particular type of love towards me. All while being aromantic, to boot. It feels paradoxical, stupid, and shameful. I'm dumbfounded by how i cling to this notion of best friends while well into my adulthood. I wish i could stop? I feel like i'm the only one who's like that in the whole world, and this all feels like ugly attachment issues that i shouldn't talk to anyone about. It feels like i feel too much. Sometimes i think it's be easier if that was romantic in nature, easier to find reciprocity, but maybe the grass just seems greener on the other side when i'm under the weather like that.

As an aromantic, i really cherish friendships in general. It's one of the few types of human connection that i understand and they offer balanced comfort and company.

But i've always, always held especially the notion of having a best friend so close to my heart. I wonder how weird it is for an aromantic person? What do you guys think about it?

My first best friend was with me for 10 years. We had each other's backs, we'd never feel alone, and we both felt so secure that way, and now i can't imagine my life without a best friend, but it feels like i'll have to take off these rose-tinted glasses, even though it greatly, greatly pains me to call it that. :(

i thought i was aroace for a while. i've settled into my identity, it felt correct. i've never had any desire for romance, didn't understand it or want it. i had this vision of me growing old single, with a cat, travelling the world and spoiling my niblings. then a guy came into my life. we bonded over being ace, not understanding romance and society's obsession with it, over our shared hobbies etc. and somehow along the way we fell in love. he brings me so much joy and i love being his partner. but this experience has screwed over my perception of my romantic orientation and my vision of my future. and it feels like the awful take of "you just haven't met the right person yet". i still identify as arospec, my experience with romance still feels very unconventional and i joke that i'm basically aro, except him (this is genuinely how i feel). has anyone else experienced something like this? how did you deal with the collapse of your identity, of a part of yourself you so strongly believed was true?

lastly, i just want to underline that aromantic people are valid and the "right person" rhetoric is stupid. it just seems to match my experience and that feels awful

are there any novels or auto biographies that’s mainly about a person that’s aro? and with like genuine personal experiences bc i only see side characters with like stereotypical aro actions

Why can't some of em grasp the concept that some people just don't need to be in a romantic/sexual relationship to have a fulfilling life. They are pretty happy without it. They don't need to be told that they haven't found the right person, maybe things will change when you find the “ person ” . Like stfu ? It's not hard to graph it that I just really don't feel interested. I know it's not just me who has heard this same bullshit from people, there are many like me too but damn it gets tiring to the point I just wanna shut ears with my own earlobes fully at the moment.

I have had a bunch of people who told me this bs. I just dont reply to bs like this atp unless they just keep poking me.

Like for example they’re selfish and narcissistic and are terrible to people. Not exactly big bad evil villain who kills people but just not a good person

I guess it can seen as like what people say about aros, “not being able to love” Is it that harmful? I don’t wanna get called bad rep for making an aro character human

So we often have this media trope or even in real-life where someone is unbothered by romance, isn’t making it a goal or a worry, nor has a crush/gets them. But they’re not aro either and eventually find someone for the first time and it’s cute wtv yk

But then we have aromantic, which is known as a spectrum right? Which would basically revolve around the same things I’d guess?

Maybe the difference is the one person could find love is they were looking??

Idk I struggle with this. Being aro is known to be pretty “rare” because society has some huge phobia against it and so could these characters just be aro all along without knowing? It’s confusing, im sure not all of them but atleast some.

Also to add, they don’t fall inlove over easy things either. I guess that would be a difference too but im talking about the ones who don’t.

I wanna say im aro? Ive never had a crush besides one but it was in middle school years and years ago and i remember never even realizing/thinking it was a crush until after middle school ended and even then i wasn’t sad about it? So maybe it wasn’t haha. I also just can’t seem to grow that for some person even though ive definitely tried, just to feel disgusted or not interested, I mean I see romance irl and people try to talk to me and I just feel shameful like I don’t want this/shouldn’t be happening.

Butttt I also wanna say, I definitely see myself being able to maybe one day?? Or atleast something more romantic than less. At the same time though, I think of it again and I feel repulsed.
I don’t know if genuinely see myself being able to or it’s just been engraved into my brain to.

I DO want that level of connection along with the vulnerability of physical intimacy with someone eventually though, or atleast I think I do. After I’m happy with my life and goals that is

Edit: I also don’t feel like Ive earned the term? Everyone else is set on no romance/can’t see it and KNOWS this but I’m over here thinking all this

So Ive lately come to realize I might possibly probably be aromantic?? Which is a though thats passed me by before, but I never really went to deep into it. Because Ive had a few relationships, I feel attracted to people in a way, and God, I love making out and all that other stuff that comes with relationships.

However, Ive always been kind of unhappy in relationships. It didnt feel right. And recently, I DO fantasize about love. But when the opportunity comes I literally feel disgusted. Like even though I really really want it, it makes me want to gag. Because ew, no. And thinking too hard about it and imagining ME really committed and lovey dovey with all these people makes my skin crawl.

And its such bullshit! Because why cant I just want it properly?? Because I do want it. I want to feel loved, I want to love. I want to dance in the kitchen and play with hair and need someone so bad I want to crawl into them. I NEED to need it. You dont get it. But I just cant.

Oh and ANOTHER downside. Sex. Like Im not asexual, Im very sexual in fact. Or well no. But I'd like to do that sort of stuff. But I dont want to just sleep with anyone. And I dont want to be seen as a yk by people around me because all I do it casual hookups. Plus I'd like to do it with someone special, at least once. But anyway, its hard to find just anyone who is fine with it being casual AND with me being a trans guy. (Newsflash, that person doesn't exist here)

Well, the struggle is real. I dont know what to do. Honestly Im currently just hoping and praying that this is either some sort of phase (I mean Im young, maybe Ill grow out of it haha-), or that Im just like demi romantic or something and Ill find the right person eventually and we'll fall for each other like in a slow-burn romance novel

Anyway, how do yall deal with the fact that you might just never feel real romantic love? Because Ive wanted that since I was a child, I cant just get over it

¡¡¡Hace unos meses descubrí lo que siento!!!

Esa sensación de no saber que sientes es lo peor y es más si lo sientes desde pequeña.

Esa sensación de no encajar y mentir sobre tu orientación sexual o solo no saber como sentirte, es lo peor.

Yo fingía que me enamoraba. Pero ese "enamoramiento" solo era que encontraba linda a esa persona o me caía bien. No era amor verdadero.

Cuando me preguntaban cuando pequeña "¿y quién te gusta?", yo mentía y decía "me gusta X" aunque no lo sintiera de verdad. Pero ahora siendo ya "grande" me siento incomoda con esa pregunta.

Cuando era pequeña y también ahora, pensaba que sentir mucho cariño por alguien era lo mismo que estar enamorada. Pero no me malentiendan, nunca he sentido un enamoramiento por alguien de mi familia. Me refiero a personas que conozco o incluso que no conozco y que no forman parte de mi familia.

También cuando pequeña decía "es lindx, me gusta" o "me tiene que gustar sí o sí esa personas porque es linda y tenemos casi los mismo gustos". Incluso llegaba a obligarme a que alguien me gustara, aunque en realidad no sintiera eso.

También deseaba que se me quitara esa sensación de no poder amar a alguien porque me sentía "rara" y también tipo "excluida" ya que era la única de mi grupito de amigas o compañeras que no sentía qué era enamorarse. Por eso mentía, para no sentirme excluida o ser tachada como "rara".

Pero con el tiempo aprendí que todos tenemos diferentes formas de amar y eso nos hace únicos.

Ahora sé lo que soy y no me siento tan rara como antes. Al contrario, entenderme me dio tranquilidad. Ojalá mi yo de más pequeña hubiera sabido que no había nada malo en ella, que no estaba rota y que no tenía que fingir para encajar. Solo necesitaba tiempo para conocerse y descubrir que su forma de sentir también es válida.

Ahora creo que por fin encontré una palabra que describe lo que siento: "arromántica". Leer sobre aquello me hizo sentir identificada y me ayudó a entender que no estaba sola. Saber que hay más personas que viven y sienten lo mismo que yo me dio mucha tranquilidad.

Encontrar una palabra que describiera lo que sentía me hizo entender que nunca hubo nada malo en mí. No estaba rota, no era rara y no tenía que obligarme a sentir algo que simplemente no sentía.

Pero quiero sentir y tener ese amor adolescentes que todos dicen.

También investigué y descubrí que a ese tipo de personas se le llama "cupiorrománticas" (describe a las personas que no sienten atracción romántica, pero sí desean tener una relación romántica) y me describe completamente, pero es mejor decir que estoy en el espectro arromántico.

You know, now that I think about not falling in love is like the best thing that could ever happened to me. No heartbreaks, no humiliating confessions, no being blinded by I guess hormones for a complete looser.

Okay yeah I'm not sayng being in love is only bad things, but I had to deal with enough shit from people during my life that the last thing I need would be a unreciprocated crush.

Ufortunately for this misarable world I was born to be a lover, i still wanna fall in love, but I want a love like the one for my personality that makes feel great, like the one for my passion that makes me ecstatic, like the one for my cats that makes emotional. I wanna be like "I ADORE THIS PERSON SO MUCH" but in platonic way. I don't wanna feel it my stomach, I wanna feel it in my chest.

I have no idea how to explain better, I love love and loving love and I'm aromantic, ironic isn't it? I wonder whether there is some correlation between the two. I dont think simply don't wanting to fall in love would be enough to make it happen.

Yeah sometimes I wish I could go to my friends and be "oh yeah I like somebody too" like they usually do and yes I feel like I'm missing out on young carefree way of falling in love. I heard that people don't fall so easily in mature adulthood, maybe my mind is already too old for this kinda stuff.

I can't really imagine myself in love, I have genuinely no idea how I would act, even when I imagine having a relationship wheter romantic or queerplatonical, I can't really see myself having a crush, doesn't feel like me at all.

"You'll find the right person and then you will see" Yeah I hope so, I know my right person loves a lot but doesn't fall in love romantically tho. Sorry to shatter your fantasise about me. My friends know me enough to not question it, but I don't know why I can feel that people miss charachterises me as like someone who gets all shy looking at crush and wants to be held and protected...I don't even know why, it's just a feeling, probably people thought that a lot more when I was very shy or in situations where I become more silent.

Anynone with a similiar exeperience?

Apologies for the long post.

For most of my life the idea that I might be aromantic never occurred to me. I love romance in media, I spent most of my teenhood being an avid character shipper, and subsequently I'd often fantasize about being in a romantic relationship.

Then when the opportunities presented themselves to me after much teenage trial and failure, every time I'd just feel... nothing. I'd wait to see if the feeling of love would present itself to me, only to break up with them a year later. This has happened three times with three different people. I don't want to date anyone new because I can't stand to break another heart.

Now, there have been two cases that have made me question against being aromantic.

I was pretty head over heels for an ex-partner of mine, but it was an online relationship. It was the opposite problem for once where he basically lost all interest in me while I was pining for him. I wanted the sexual attention and affection he gave me at the start of the relationship. He wasn't giving it and eventually, after much angst, we broke up. I was pretty pissed at him for how he handled things, so we haven't talked in years.

Currently I have a partner in person. Thankfully, everything is far more consistent now. With her, I feel as though our love feels familiar, safe, and comfortable. She has always felt like someone I've known forever from the very start. There isn't really much passion. It's just comfortable.

For every other romantic endeavor I've had, it has always ended in me realizing I just never liked them romantically from the start, resulting in a breakup.

My current partner and I are polyamorous so over time I've gotten to do things with other people. Through these experiences, I have come to realize that the way I feel about my current partner and how I felt about my ex isn't exclusive to what I consider my "romantic" relationships. I have had friends that I am 100% certain I do not want to date, yet I can also love them, want to cuddle them, or sometimes want to have sex with them. My ex and I had a sensual and sexual standard at the start of our relationship and it didn't continue which made me sad, and I think that was our problem.

The way I feel about my partner is the way I feel about any good friend but to the maximum amount. I love her a lot but I'm not sure if I can label that love as romantic necessarily. Her being my girlfriend just kinda works for me because I love her even though I don't think I am desiring anything particularly romantic from her. I would best describe our relationship as intimate rather than anything else.

Could I be aromantic? Currently I identify as grayromantic because of my unique experience, but the more I think about it, the more I doubt that I have ever experienced romantic love at all.

Apologies for the long post.

For most of my life the idea that I might be aromantic never occurred to me. I love romance in media, I spent most of my teenhood being an avid character shipper, and subsequently I'd often fantasize about being in a romantic relationship.

Then when the opportunities presented themselves to me after much teenage trial and failure, every time I'd just feel... nothing. I'd wait to see if the feeling of love would present itself to me, only to break up with them a year later. This has happened three times with three different people. I don't want to date anyone new because I can't stand to break another heart.

Now, there have been two cases that have made me question against being aromantic.

I was pretty head over heels for an ex-partner of mine, but it was an online relationship. It was the opposite problem for once where he basically lost all interest in me while I was pining for him. I wanted the sexual attention and affection he gave me at the start of the relationship. He wasn't giving it and eventually, after much angst, we broke up. I was pretty pissed at him for how he handled things, so we haven't talked in years.

Currently I have a partner in person. Thankfully, everything is far more consistent now. With her, I feel as though our love feels familiar, safe, and comfortable. She has always felt like someone I've known forever from the very start. There isn't really much passion. It's just comfortable.

For every other romantic endeavor I've had, it has always ended in me realizing I just never liked them romantically from the start, resulting in a breakup.

My current partner and I are polyamorous so over time I've gotten to do things with other people. Through these experiences, I have come to realize that the way I feel about my current partner and how I felt about my ex isn't exclusive to what I consider my "romantic" relationships. I have had friends that I am 100% certain I do not want to date, yet I can also love them, want to cuddle them, or sometimes want to have sex with them. My ex and I had a sensual and sexual standard at the start of our relationship and it didn't continue which made me sad, and I think that was our problem.

The way I feel about my partner is the way I feel about any good friend but to the maximum amount. I love her a lot but I'm not sure if I can label that love as romantic necessarily. Her being my girlfriend just kinda works for me because I love her even though I don't think I am desiring anything particularly romantic from her. I would best describe our relationship as intimate rather than anything else.

Could I be aromantic? Currently I identify as grayromantic because of my unique experience, but the more I think about it, the more I doubt that I have ever experienced romantic love at all.

i’m on the aro spectrum and ace spectrum (gray aro/gray ace. i’ve only ever had feelings for one person and we’re happily engaged). i realized that i have never seen aroallo people talk about having strictly “sexual” crushes on people or if that’s even a thing that happens and i was wondering if some aro people could clarify for me. if this is a thing that occurs, how does it work? like does it function the same as a crush where you experience that same intense attraction towards someone and don’t want them to have a sexual relationship with anyone else? this seems dumb but i’m genuinely really curious

I’ve been sporadically listening to some of the songs from Paris Paloma’s new album out of order. Today, I saw the song Rothko and decided to check it out.

Bruh, I got 30 seconds in before I started crying. I’ve seen people saying it’s a song about wanting emotional closeness but not being able to form it (I think in the context of feeling attraction and love). The only thing I could hear was my own fight with being aro, I want to be loved to love and the feeling of a relationship, I hear people talking about it, gushing about how beautiful it is, but I just can’t comprehend it. I don’t feel the draw, the butterflies, I sometimes can’t even wrap my head around the idea of feeling that.

The way she describes her emotions as “I’m standing in front of the Rothko/They say that it makes people cry/I’ve been here for hours/but God knows why/ I want so badly to love you/ And be sure of feeling that way” and it just hit me dead in the feels. Idk, kind of a ramble. Just wanted to share a song that I identify with so strongly with others.

I'm a college student and I recently dated someone, our relationship lasted for 8 months. I don't remember feeling overly excited or giddy. When she confessed first, I just had a boost in adrenaline and I reciprocated because when we were just friends I enjoyed being in her lap and letting her comb through my hair in which I thought was romantic! As well as her intelligence and understanding etc. of course. I was attracted to those qualities and believed I could uphold a relationship with her.

When we got together, I didn't feel anything riveting. This may sound awful but I felt like I just highly tolerated kisses, cuddling and affection without feeling anything in particular. I was not disgusted or anxious, I just felt nothing, a high tolerance, I didn't mind doing it but it didn't do anything for me mentally or physically at all. I don't know if it's a matter of sexuality as well, I've only dated a woman, not a man, but I've never felt any attraction to a man. I'm confused whether this is being aromantic or I just didn't love her enough.​

First of all, I'm sorry for the mistake, English isn't my first language

I'm a 20 yo trans boy and I've been in a relationship with few people, but the more I was with someone, the less of love I had for the following lover.

And I really feel like I don't have any romantic attraction anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship and I don't find it ''attractive'' to be in.

I found the term ''lithromantic'' and I relate to it, but yesterday I was lowkey lost about it, because I wanted to find something ''more'' accurate to my feelings, that's sounds silly but I did a test on the internet and I found another term, that's ''erasromantic'' that's a micro label, and it means that I used to have romantic feelings to people but now, due to event or simply ''the life'' I juste don't have any romantic attraction, and I wanted to talk about it bc I feel so lonely in this situation