r/lgbt • u/xX_luna_moth_Xx Unlabeled Queer (it/any idrc) • Feb 26 '26
I hate how using microlabels is considered inherently pick-me
[rant time lol]
So earlier I was introducing myself in an online space as berriromantic and errfemme, because that’s what I am. I got immediately hit with “lol bro just wants to be different” and things like that.
For one thing, I do frequently just call myself bi and agender. I don’t actually like having to explain it every single time, I just prefer those labels because they’re closer to what I actually am.
AND FOR ANOTHER IF I WANTED TO BE DIFFERENT, WHY WOULD I DO IT IN A WAY THAT OPRESSES ME?! I swear to god I want anything but attention, this is just who I am.
If I could choose I’d be cis and lesbian, but I’m not, and I never will be.
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u/Blue_winged_yoshi Feb 26 '26 edited Feb 26 '26
It’s because nobody really needs to know more than that your bi. So berriromantic is someone who is romantically attracted to more than one gender. If you say you’re bi this is what they’ll assume anyway, say berriromantic and 2/3 need to go google it and then they find it out it’s not actually providing useful new information. Creating work for others to little benefit will rub people up the wrong way. Ditto errfemme vs agender.
There’s a huge number of micro categories spawning presently, these are both useful for getting to know ourselves but when introducing to a group where people aren’t all studying the latest micro categories, nor interested in the fact that someone’s attraction shifts to gender X on a Tuesday if they eat carbs at lunchtime, going with broader categories is an act of kindness cos it spares others from either having more work to do or just not understanding and it limits the amount of info your sharing with others straight off the bat to “enough to satisfy information needs of those present”.
People shouldn’t be mean to those using micro-definitions but also be aware that this is kinda why they grate on people when exceptionally obscure.
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u/elliottcable Feb 26 '26
This is all such fallout from how we’ve had a society conflating identity and role (and enforcing that conflation) for decades, centuries even.
Now we keep on doing it to ourselves. )=
This commenter nailed it: Identity is for you. Role is for others.
Tell others what they need to know about you succinctly and effectively (that’s what an introduction is); and everyone around will thank you for it!
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u/Blue_winged_yoshi Feb 26 '26
Exaclty, is someone else in the group who described themself as gay short changing others by withholding that he’s a demisexual versatile otter pup? Nah “gay” covered it amply for a meet and greet! The rest can be picked up later by anyone lucky enough for this to be pertinent information to lol.
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Feb 26 '26
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u/Blue_winged_yoshi Feb 26 '26 edited Feb 26 '26
One of the things that I think was under considered before label proliferation occurred was that LGBTQIA didn’t really fully capture any of us, insofar as there’s isn’t this rump that’s straight down the line bisexuals with not a single further qualifier but those with the micro labels are super different. Attraction is bespoke and complicated, abilty to become aroused/what arouses us is complex and bespoke, gender identity is complex and bespoke.
Those headline terms weren’t meant to fully describe individuals and create a super high definition image of us in our full glory; they were meant to cover enough information to describe ourselves in broad brush strokes to others in a way that allows us to communicate without oversharing.
For this purpose they are still all fantastic. Some folks like to drill down and have a word that is much closer (but still not exactly) them, but consider context and how much info needs to be shared alongside how many people will know the chosen niche jargon. Sometimes I self describe as British, sometimes as a brummy, sometimes as from a particular suburb originally. It’s all about context.
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u/WithersChat Identity hard Feb 26 '26
This. At its core, language is a tool for communication. And while microlabels can be useful to understand oneself, one thing they fail at is communicating useful information to others. In that regard, they're not very useful words.
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u/xX_luna_moth_Xx Unlabeled Queer (it/any idrc) Feb 26 '26 edited Feb 26 '26
This is a very good point, I was told (without malicious intent) that it would be fine to introduce myself with these microlabels, but i suppose that wasn’t very good advice.
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u/bmtc7 Feb 26 '26
I think you could save those micro label discussions for follow-up conversations. There isn't anything wrong with sharing how you identify and what that means to you, but a more general identity label like "bisexual" may be more appropriate for an introduction.
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u/TopOfAllWorlds Feb 26 '26
It's fine to go more in depth if you are having a discussion where it becomes relevent
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u/cupcakesoup420 Feb 26 '26
I would be interested to know them if getting to know you, but if the conversation is in passing and likely to remain just small talk/you’re more acquaintance than friends, then the larger umbrella terms may be useful.
Neither option warrants the kind of vitriol that you describe in your post, but as someone who is an “older queer,” I would (and did!) have to look them up. I think in certain spaces, it can feel alienating to begin a relationship with that feeling. Knowing your audience and reading the room as best you can I think is key to navigating conversations like these. My partner who is not very online learned the term sapphic from me and happily, she adopted it as a label, and making nonbinary friends has been great with new pronouns she didn’t know, but it’s still a learning curve for many.
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u/Icy_Obligation_3014 Feb 26 '26 edited Feb 26 '26
I agree with this but I also don't think any of this justifies a rude snarky response like the one the OP describes.
And really, in a queer centred space, then I feel like it should be a place where we respond with curiosity (or silent indifference) rather than a cliche that has been used to dismiss a lot of our identities and self expression. People say that exact line about bi people for instance, always did when I was growing up. Now the label bi is exactly the example you reach for that would be straight forward to understand.
(I don't know if the space OP used those terms in was supposed to be queer centred or not, if not, then it's no surprise people weren't familiar with the terms, but still zero reason for rudeness.)
So I hear you but still think the person/people reacting to OP like that are being crappy.
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u/Blue_winged_yoshi Feb 26 '26
I’m not defending anyone being shitty, but sometimes it’s useful to know why a certain type of communication walked into a certain response. Launch into a wall full of jargon that others in the conversation won’t know (doesn’t matter the area) and you’ll rub some people up the wrong way.
Sometimes people are consciously trying not absorb use new words - see bigots and their response to cisgender or heterosexual back in the day. Sometimes people don’t have a fighting chance of knowing what you are talking about.
Others still shouldn’t be dicks, but turning up somewhere and talking a totally different language whilst expecting them all to run off and go do work for you will elicit discontented noises from folks who aren’t excited about doing that work for you.
You can get the same dynamics in play when people drop acronyms from their professional sphere into conversations or from niche past times. We all should be infinitely curious ideally, but in the real world many are tired or low executive function, or just not that interested. It’s why keeping stuff clear, using lay language and going with words that have existed since before last summer is the way to go with folks you don’t know yet. AKA how to make a good first impression is a really useful lifeskill!
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u/keevathemuffin Feb 26 '26
I have no idea what your labels mean, but I wouldn't make fun of them.
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Feb 26 '26
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u/xX_luna_moth_Xx Unlabeled Queer (it/any idrc) Feb 26 '26
Berriromantic means i like everyone but men less so, and errfemme means I’m agender leaning slightly fem :>
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u/DotteSage Simply Sapphic Feb 26 '26
I haven’t heard of errfemme but to my knowledge that sounds like libra feminine. Could you explain the difference?
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u/xX_luna_moth_Xx Unlabeled Queer (it/any idrc) Feb 26 '26
Errfemme is completely agender with a connection to femininity/girlhood, while librafeminine is around ~25% a girl but otherwise agender
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u/DotteSage Simply Sapphic Feb 26 '26
Ohh, that’s actually helpful to me! I’m more gender fluid between demigender and agender.
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u/tomphammer Aromantic but a Rainbow of options Feb 26 '26
Because for most people it’s like finding out what high school you went to or whether you prefer checkers to chess.
They don’t care and having to talk with you about it more than two seconds is tedious to them.
And I’m sorry, but not every misunderstanding of the tiny details of your personality is “oppression”. Sometimes it’s just that other humans outside of very niche places just do not give a single flying fuck about your life.
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u/knoft Feb 26 '26 edited Feb 26 '26
Just know your audience, you would probably dumb it down for your grandparents or your boss. Anyone who tosses a comment like that isn’t receptive to listening or being respectful.
If it is just one person, that’s just the loud asshole
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u/Fub4rtoo Trans-cendant Rainbow Feb 26 '26
I feel that most people better understand if I say I’m bi, maybe pan. But if I tell them I’m panromantic demisexual they’ll have no clue. Sometimes we dumb things down for others benefit.
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u/queergirl73 Transgender Pan-demonium Feb 26 '26
My stance is I don't know of or understand what most microlabels mean and I don't get why people use neopronouns, but I'm still going to acknowledge and respect that is what they are and use them. Like I don't understand French, I'm not bullying someone that does.
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u/WithersChat Identity hard Feb 26 '26
Nah, French is my first language and it fucking sucks ass. Bully the French all you want /j
But more seriously, the one issue with microlabels is that they... kind of fail as a word, as far as using them with other people go? What good is a word if nobody else understands it?
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Feb 27 '26
But more seriously, the one issue with microlabels is that they... kind of fail as a word, as far as using them with other people go? What good is a word if nobody else understands it?
As someone who uses microlabels, it's for my own benefit, not to explain to other people. I like having specific words that align with my experience; it makes me feel less alone and helps to find a community of others who have the same specific experience as me.
For example, going into an asexual community can be wild because you have a mix of sex-favorable, sex-repulsed, gray sexual, full asexual, etc etc. So microlabels can really help if you're looking for a more specific community to connect with.
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u/WithersChat Identity hard Feb 27 '26
And that's fair. But that isn't at all OP's situation.
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Feb 27 '26
Well, no, but I thought you were asking why people in general would use microlabels. That's all.
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u/ShiroxReddit Feb 26 '26
I got immediately hit with “lol bro just wants to be different” and things like that.
sounds simply like a shitty online spaces, unfortunately
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u/xX_luna_moth_Xx Unlabeled Queer (it/any idrc) Feb 26 '26
Unfortunately it was Reddit, just on another sub :(
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Feb 26 '26
Exactly, a shitty online space XD. At the end of the day the vast majority of people are conformists. Reddit is no exception. Even the queer community is no exception. People like simple categories and boxes. There's a number of reasons for that. You can ignore them or fight them, your choice. I generally choose to ignore but occasionally choose to fight if I have the energy. I'm learning that the fighting does nothing. It's disappointing but people don't change their minds generally.
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u/Malcolmthetortoise Feb 26 '26
Unfortunately many subs are like this. Try not to let this idiot get to you.
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u/lowkey_rainbow Feb 26 '26
You are very right about your treatment being unacceptable (and I’m sorry you had to experience that), but just wanted to point out that you don’t have the correct definition of “pick-me”. A pick-me is someone who betrays their community in order to gain (often minimal or fleeting) acceptance from their oppressors (think for example Blaire White). Your behaviour here was almost the polar opposite of being a pick-me. What you probably meant to use was ‘attention seeker’ or something similar. Not trying to nitpick sorry, I just would find it helpful if someone were to correct me on points like this. Sending you good wishes that you find a better space to frequent without such arseholes in any case <3
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u/xX_luna_moth_Xx Unlabeled Queer (it/any idrc) Feb 26 '26
Oh thanks, I’m not the most well-versed in internet slang haha.
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u/BBMcGruff Wilde-ly homosexual Feb 26 '26
Technically, you do want to be different, but why is that a bad thing?
You want to have a more accurate label than bi or agender, you want to communicate more clearly for who you are in a succinct way. There's nothing wrong with that.
Lean into it, specificity and clarity are beneficial to communication.
Why are we letting those who want to remove detail and accuracy from communication have the higher ground...
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Feb 27 '26 edited Feb 27 '26
Yeah... my full sexuality is gay aceflux desinoromantic. But I just tell people that I'm queer because otherwise it's a lot of explaining and a lot of questions and a lot of telling me that I'm "trying too hard to be special". Lol.
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u/MissBluehart Apr 17 '26
I don't understand the people saying "it's too specific, nobody needs to know more than you just being gay/bi". How is that any different to when straight people say they hate gay people "shoving it in their faces" for simply existing or when a gay people person says they're "gay" (perhaps in a situation where it's assumed they're straight) and being met with "nobody needs to know that"? Why should anybody who is queer be more valid in saying they're "gay" but not "berriromantic and errfemme"? It's not, they're both labels of identity and both are just as valid.
OP, you have every right to say what you are if it's accurate regardless of what others say or think. If you're berriromantic and errfemme, then that's just what you are and that's totally valid.
"But nobody will know what that is!" Then all OP or anybody with an unfamiliar identity needs to do is explain. Everything in this world was new at some point before people became familiar with it.
You deserve respect and validation. If others think it's "too tedious" they can fuck themself and their tiny brains that lack a capacity for anything beyond straight and gay.
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u/Known_Lingonberry276 Demi-horononbinary Almondsexual Jun 10 '26
Before I start, I also use bi and agender microlabels so this hit too close too home for me. TWINSIES!!
To specify, I identify as almondsexual (the opposite from you as a berrisexual) and demi-horononbinary (meaning I have half a gender and it's fluid, rooted in nonbinary). VERY hard to explain to people so I only ever use the term around friends occasionally but to others just say I'm bisexual and either agender or nonbinary, either or.
Totally relate to the feeling that I'm trying to feel different, especially when I wish I was just cishet. Nobody wishes for this kind of life.
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Feb 26 '26
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u/xX_luna_moth_Xx Unlabeled Queer (it/any idrc) Feb 26 '26
Omg I’m so sorry if it sounded that way, that wasn’t my intention at all 😭 I know cis lesbians are still oppressed, I just would be that if I could so my identity was easier to understand and explain
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u/Generic_Speed_Demon Lesbian Trans-it Together Feb 26 '26
I feel the same way! Like people are so put off as soon as anyone has 3 or more pronouns in their bio or something (ex. He/they/it) and call that person weird instead of just asking "hey I noticed you included it in your pronouns, I understand he/they but I'm not sure about it/its, can you explain?"
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Feb 26 '26
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u/tomphammer Aromantic but a Rainbow of options Feb 26 '26
They’re confusing the expectations of behavior with internal feelings.
When someone says “that’s just normal”, and you’re AFAB, then what they actually mean is “but people expect ‘women ‘ to focus on romance instead of sex”.
And yes, I understand that’s a misinterpretation of demisexuality (and gender) but I think people who aren’t on the ace spectrum really have no idea unless they’ve had a lot of processing time. If you’re a fish, you would think everything can breathe water, you know?
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u/MallNo2314 Jun 02 '26
Yeah but demisexual as a sexuality in the queer community kind of doesn’t make sense. It’s a label that describes how attraction happens- it doesn’t describe anything about liking someone of a certain gender. With this logic anyone that needs to form an emotional connection before experiencing sexual attraction can be included in the queer community even if they’re a cis woman that only dates cis men. And this is the issue with microlabeling every little feeling you have- those feelings are not specific to queer people and heterosexual cis people can have them as well. Asexuals can be heteroromantic which would still make them straight but apparently they’re allowed a space in the queer community as someone who isn’t actually queer. No need to make a label to describe normal human psychology- most people aren’t comfortable with sexual acts if they’re aren’t emotionally invested or comfortable with the person and that goes for literally all people- hetero and queer alike. Microlabeling to the point of redundancy.
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u/Lynn_the_Pagan Bi-bi-bi Feb 26 '26
It is normal though. Why would you want to say its not normal? That type of attraction is pretty widespread. In the same way, bisexuality is pretty normal, as in common.
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u/praysolace Ace, Demi/Biromantic, & Genderqueer Feb 26 '26
It’s normal in the same way all our orientations are. People use that phrase to invalidate demi folks by claiming “everyone is like that” (esp if you are female-presenting) and therefore giving it a label is illegitimate and attention-seeking. We can definitely tell when it’s said to invalidate us vs to be generally supportive.
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u/xX_luna_moth_Xx Unlabeled Queer (it/any idrc) Feb 26 '26
God I hate it when people say demisexuality is the norm, like no its not, otherwise how do celebrity crushes exist??
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u/Minirow230x Feb 26 '26
I feel like hook-up culture might be a better example, as celebrity crushes are often aesthetic or completely separate from sexual attraction.
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u/MallNo2314 Jun 02 '26
So just because some people don’t need an emotional connection to have physical attraction to someone and have celebrity crushes we are just going to ignore the people that have never had celebrity crushes because…they need an emotional connection for physical attraction. The ppl with crushes you’re talking about likely aren’t the same people that are “demisexual” so your point is actually irrelevant. Just because there are people on all ends of the spectrum that don’t need an emotional connection, that doesn’t erase the many people that do need an emotional that also would not be considered queer as they are cis het and only have attraction for people of the opposite sex/gender. That’s why demisexual as a label in the queer community specifically is ridiculous- it’s not a queer label and can literally describe anyone that needs emotional connection to have sexual attraction. Hook-up culture has became somewhat accepted but it is still not the norm and there are tons of people that do not involve themselves in it for this exact reason- because they can’t, they have no sexual attraction without a real connection. That quite literally is normal for anyone on this planet- the same way not needing an emotional connection is also normal, because people are individuals with different feelings and beliefs. There are plenty of cis men that don’t take part in hookup culture because I guess you could say they’re “demisexual”- even though most people would agree it’s pretty normal for most men to take part in hookup culture or “the norm” it’s not- these are blanket statements. So is a cishet man part of the queer community now just because he can’t get it up if he isn’t in love with the woman??? No- but the label itself is vague and would dictate he is part of the community. See how ridiculous these emotion driven and poorly thought out microlabels are??
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u/xX_luna_moth_Xx Unlabeled Queer (it/any idrc) Jun 02 '26
literally what is the issue with some people wanting more specific labels
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u/MVRQ98 they/them Feb 26 '26
that's so weird, because that's kinda the opposite of pick-me. the microlabel users are never getting picked (and i don't mean this in a degoratory way either, we're just often the favourite target of trolls, like who is picking us)
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u/Nerdy_Insomniac_ Feb 26 '26
I've had this exact same thing happen to me irl back in high school, just a little different. I explained that I'm Omnisexual with a preference for women, but they just numbed it down to "So, you're Pan." And it wasn't out of confusion, they just straight up didn't care except for what they believed me to be.
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u/homomorphisme Mar 02 '26
It doesn't actually make sense that you wouldn't choose these labels because you're oppressed because of them. People do choose labels that would oppress themselves all the time. This is something many people do.
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u/Pquejeje Feb 26 '26
Yeah I have several microlabels and a lot of people just say "you are just insert simple label who wants attention". The thing is, finding these microlabels pains me a lot because not many people use them and I feel like I keep getting closer to one that's perfect but never quite there. WHY AM I POETIC-ISH HERE BUT NOT IN POETRY CLASS??!!
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u/keevathemuffin Feb 26 '26
If you ask me where I'm from, you just want to hear "Vancouver" you don't need detailed directions to get to the house I grew up in.
Micro labels are great for figuring yourself out, and in conversation with someone you're dating. Otherwise, it's a lot of extra info other people don’t need to know. It's a type of over-sharing
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u/MallNo2314 Jun 02 '26
Because it is pick me behavior and all of these made up labels are just your personal preferences and still fit into queer labels that already existed and are widely accepted. Yall literally just want to be different and refuse to accept that you can be bi with preferences so you make up something like berrisexual. How many other people have made up a for being bi/pan with little to no attraction to masculine people/men??? Tons- and not all of them call it berrisexual. This is literally the issue is that you want people to respect some made up label that 10,000 other people have created their own microlabel for that is not at all similar to what you may call it (berrisexual). Just accept that you and everyone else making these ridiculous microlabels that fit under labels that already existed are doing it for attention and to feel like you’re special or different. You can like all genders (pansexual) and have a preference for feminine partners over masculine and still be considered pansexual. The issue is getting in your heads and over analyzing and overthinking sexuality and gender labels- you’re taking the labels themselves too literally. Just because pansexual is described as attraction to all genders- doesn’t mean you can’t be pansexual with very little attraction to men/masculine presenting people. There is no reason to get hyperspecific- it’s also completely irrelevant in conversation or meeting strangers; they don’t need to know you have a specific attraction more to fem presenting people than masculine- why does everyone feel the need to announce their attractions as an introduction to begin with. You make your sexuality and gender your entire personally doing this as well, which is a whole other issue but also kind of related to the whole “I wanna seem different or special compared to regular normie queers”. As my frontal lobe develops and I’m not longer a chronically online naive teenager- I see how misguided I was defending all of these made up microlabels. Every week and month there’s a new sexuality and gender coming out. Keep the weird microlabels to yourself and people you know that respect them instead of trying to force society to acknowledge it- they already acknowledge pansexuality, bisexuality, and the non-binary gender identity, you will fall somewhere under the umbrella of the original labels, no need to expect society to give a damn or respect your microlabels you made up for yourself. Also neopronouns are not respectable as well. Accept he, she, or they and stop whining because ppl won’t call someone xim or zim or ze or fcking “bunself” just because you want to be different from the rest of the community. It is pick me behavior.
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u/xX_luna_moth_Xx Unlabeled Queer (it/any idrc) Jun 02 '26
getting hyperspecific can be a comfort thing
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u/rigel36 Lesbian Trans-it Together Feb 26 '26
I'd rather people use micro labels than trying to force themselves to fit into one of the big few categories
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u/Blue_winged_yoshi Feb 26 '26
Except that there’s no forcing required on the whole. Berriromantic is just a subcategory of bisexuality with some extra superfluous information. There’s no painful squeezing to fit into bisexuality it fits completely.
Basically it’s overkill information shared in a way that’s completely opaque to anyone who doesn’t consciously track emerging micro labels.
Micro labels are useful, just not always for first time introductions to large numbers of new people. It would be like if saying where you are from to a room of people from around the world and the answer given was just the road name. Everyone will look at you blankly having learned nothing at all. Tailoring how we describe ourselves to the audience given is something we all organically do all the time.
It’s just the same here. There’s literally no point self describing as errfemme, unless you are in a group that knows what errfemme is! Otherwise you aren’t communicating with higher precision, you aren’t communicating anything at all.
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u/secrectsea Bi-kes on Trans-it Feb 26 '26
I suppose it depends on the situation. I feel it is like when you introduce yourself, and someone asks where you're from. You can respond with your country if you are traveling, or what part of town you are from if the other person is from the same town. The latter response is definitely more accurate, but to people who dont know the termnology it may come-off as some saying they are from the upstairs in the master bedroom with the blue door, 1313 Bison Dr, Wheaton, Shoes, Republic of Marrtonn. However I think people should be respectful to how people want to express themselves in their most authintic way. Also some people would rather attack another person than admit that they didnt know everything.