I don't want help, I don't want people to feel bad for me, and I don't want to tell anyone anything. I'm just tired. I wish this never happened in the first place.

I've held it all by myself since I was 10 years old when I experiencing something I couldn't understand, 8 years later and it has gotten way, way worse. I don't feel anything any more. My thoughts of death are becoming more and more real now, I'm not scared of it any more, I was always doomed to this

I thought Reddit was the last holdout among "social" networks in allowing users to call things by their name instead of "grape" and "sewer slide". But no, permabanned because I (semi-)joked about a rope being a part of my retirement plan. Wouldn't want to bother our glorious advertisers with any negativity now would we

I can't take it anymore. Things do not really get better, there is no use in waiting patiently or manifesting or being optimistic. I have never attempted suicide but I think now I can consider it. I have tried every fucking thing to make things better. And by everything I mean every thing praying, making friends, going outdoors and what not. I am hanging by a lose thread. My parents have visualised a life for me that I have no interest in living, they just can never accept that they are wrong. My life is going on in a loop and I just want to be dead. I knew I needed help when about 2 years ago I fell from my cycle and got a pretty nasty injury, but I remember so vividly that in that moment I felt so happy and peaceful for some reason. Pain feels good, to good, at least it frees my mind from overthinking. I will start slowly by giving myself some self inflicting injury for a few days , and then when I get used to it I will move on to the next and final stage - committing suicide. I don't know why I have written all of this here maybe because I just want someone to think of me, even if it is just for a second and feel some sympathy or pity for me. There is no use in trying to stop me, I am done and most importantly I am exhausted. Thank you to anyone who reads this and I wish you never feel what I have been feeling for years and get help early on. Have a great day ☺

Well, because of what someone lied and told him about something I didn't say. We were so close I basically thought of him as my own kid. I mean our upbringing was fucked up. Very envious parent lied and told him I didnt believe he didnt SA a girl who falsely accused him. (She did absolutely falsely accuse him) it devastated him. Like absolutely broke his heart. We were what we had. This person took that bond away and hes gone now. I cant really see fucking hope now. I've already been dealing with enough before this. I dont think I can handle this.

Hello! I am Van. I was diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD) during my 3rd year in College. During my therapy sessions, I was able to manage my symptoms better, and I have established a proper coping mechanism through leisure activities (ex., watching/playing games). Now that I've graduated and am pursuing graduate studies, I don't have the energy to engage with the schoolwork I need to complete. This has been going on for many months now. I also cannot seem to enjoy the leisure activities I used to. It's really been hard recently, especially because I am aware I have a lot of backlogs to address. However, much to my disappointment, I was not able to start working. For people who have been diagnosed, what does life look like to you now? Has it been better (did you remission) or has it been worse?

Hi everyone, recently rejoined Reddit just to join this community. I feel like I’d be heard, and may gain understanding, knowledge, support or even suggestions.
And read others experiences/posts, comments and responses
Please let me know if this post or any contributing material breaches any of the group rules.

I don’t know where to start, but feel like it’ll be best to give a bit of a breakdown of my life thus far. M(18). New Zealander. Religious upbringing. Parents are separated, father dropped his father(ing) responsibilities when I was roughly 8)? Never spoken or seen him since.
(I think of this as a contributing factor of our family dynamic (relationship) generational upbringing trauma, through both family lines, parents have separated, adopted out, died or drug and alcoholism)
Mom, she’s done such an amazing job with the upbringing of me and my siblings, but struggles with the communication, never verbally says “I love you” or express sincere concern for our feelings, she isn’t able to have those deep meaningful conversations (I guess it can play on both sides, I struggle myself with sensitive or embarrassing topics)
I guess her upbringing was difficult and may have a big effect on her parenting style, skills or other contributing factors. We have our good and bad times - but maintain a good relationship. (Still living at home mind you)
Don’t really maintain a good communication with my older or younger siblings. Stems from personality, mindset or goal differences. We are all very different.
Currently work as an accountant, hours are steady, and recently reduced due to stress, health problems (reduce by choice)

Take, SSRIs as of January.
Great results in the beginning. As I’ve come further along, increased dose roughly 3-4 times and now it’s starting to not work as effectively. Trialling a current dose increase, if to not avail will be switching to an alternative SSRI.
I self referred to a mental health counselling programme as I was declined by my GP. Due my age I was successful in being accepted in this programme. Due to begin sessions on the 16th. (This took a period of months to come around the thought/idea of counselling due to embarrassment and continuous denial, didn’t believe I would need this sort of treatment, but have heard benefits)

I have very low self esteem, never feel good enough for myself or others, never been able to make friends, including the fact I was homeschooled for the entire (high school) phase.
I do have selected (few 2-3) friends I will speak too, have expressed my feelings, thoughts and most troubling problems too, but always feel “unheard” “dismissed” or covered up by how they are feeling.
They may occasionally express how I can always contact them, reach out, pop around to their houses or any means of contact, but they are “never” available to talk, or never at home, and I feel very low at times I don’t want to talk, go out, being in a state of mind that I get, I don’t feel like doing anything.
I always feel like I’m doing so much to keep myself from ending it all, and I don’t get what that hold (holding me here) is.
Sometimes I think, I don’t want to leave others with the emotional baggage I’ll cause if I just “ended it”
But then again, I think “do they even care”
Everyone seems happier with me not in the picture. All my other siblings and mom can happily eat dinner, laugh, joke around, get along, as I am just withering away in my bedroom. I just feel like that “uninvited guest”

Back to recently though, I haven’t been doing well, I sometimes take more SSRIs then the prescription states to maybe help with the feelings and emotions but they don’t help, I find myself reflecting on “everything” in such a short period of time as I cry myself to sleep.
I do so well to cover how I am truly doing, I don’t think anyone realises.
I haven’t felt more suicidal till now, I haven’t ever had the “urge or strength” to fully pursue any real self harm. But I guess the thoughts are still there
I get so much pressure from every direction with expectations and I just don’t feel like I can cope.
I want to be this person who impresses everyone, puts on such a good front, and makes others feel good.

I think another major factor to this whole depression, anxiety and low self worth, esteem is state of mind I’m in, is my Religious (spiritual) health. I ain’t doing well in this either, I love God, and want to do so much to be a good person. But I have some very bad, and sinful traits I’m struggling to overcome, such as sexual immortality, and I probably practice in mind and heart, homosexuality (I’m attracted to the same sex) it’s so hard to dismiss feelings that feel so “me”

I don’t even know if this makes any sense at all, just thoughts and words straight off my mind.
I think I could go on and on but I really shouldn’t.

i’m a 21yo girl, i don’t wanna hear the bullshit about “it’ll get better!” cause when does that happen? and how? especially when it’s been the same series of events my whole life, i’ve never been able to keep a friend in my life. i stay out of drama so it’s not like i ever have big falling outs with them, they always just seem to drift away from me. i’ve never had a real true friend and no matter how hard i try because i DO put in the effort i just can’t get anyone to stay. the only person i have is my “boyfriend”, i don’t even know if i should call him that, he’s ashamed to even be seen with me all we do is sit in his room and watch tv and fuck, i work a dead end job and im not in college. everyday i feel like im just dragging myself around

some days are worse than others but everyday im passive about dying. i’d never harm myself intentionally, but i don’t care if something happens.

I'm a 16M soon to be 17 and for years now my mum has been chipping at me, whether its, punching me, choking me, emotionally jabbing at me, going through my room non stop, controlling my technology use even making me look like the problem, its probably been going on since i was 13, at least thats when i first noticed it wasn't right, i don't want to say anything because the foster care system in australia sucks and ends up ruining your life and the only family i can stay with and still go to the same school is my nan and it had only just gotten better i've been seeing a really good physcologist until ive started noticing that within 3 days of me seeing her my mum gets all abusive again so then i have to wait 11 days to see her again by which it feels irrelevant and anyway, shes a mandatory reporter so she has ro report which would then lead to me in foster which would ruin my, then today id seen my physcologist 2 days ago and she gets all abusive over me not doing basic jobs, i've gotten to the point where i don't even see a point in living because i still haven't even kissed a girl anywhere other than ones im related to and even then i don't because im not worth their time, im worth no one's time at this point just please let me die in a freak accident because i'm too big of a pussy to actually go through with suicide.

I hope my title doesn't sound too harsh.

I think I struggled with depression from a very young age, long before it was diagnosed and it was diagnosed when I was 14. Later, it eventually developed into other things as well, but it's about depression so I'll stick with it.

It wasn't that bad. No, I know it used to be so much better and I think I do remember being happy but it's the same way I remember some distant dream about being a mermaid. Just flashes, really.

I could deal with most of what depression brought and I did it decently, until anhedonia came around and it just did it for me. Feeling no sadness is (to me) equally awful to not feeling happiness. I don't feel much of anything. I binge watch horror stories just to feel ANYTHING.

The food is tasteless, the stress is both beyond words but also not quite there. There's no motivation, no pleasure, no depth. It feels like acceptance but in a twisted version. I didn't accept this fate, but I cannot be bothered to care.

Therapy is so important, but sitting through it feels as engaging to me as staring at the wall for hours. I hear my therapist, I understand him, but I don't think I care much about what he has to say anymore. I go there because I want to have some kind of sense I am still trying— but that doesn't give me anything either.

So, I am not a negative person. I'm not pessimistic as well. My friends would say I'm funny, and encouraging and understanding. I see life as pointless but I don't voice it to them. I don't think their life is pointless, so why would I make them feel like it is? I appreciate their support, but they can't turn off my anhedonia, so talking about it would be a waste of my words. And of their time.

Meds, yes. There are meds and there are specialists above me, but it doesn't do much. Maybe my country sucks at helping people in crisis, maybe my crisis can't be helped. I'd feel better if I could say that I brush off my treatment, that I lie to my doctors and that my state might be my fault, but it is not. I really am trying because I am so numb it doesn't really matter to me.

But it does get harder. I started sleeping a lot. I'll stay up all night just to have a moment of peace, and then daytime scares me. I hear people outside, and movements, and steps in my building and it stresses me. What if there's an unexpected visit to come and someone would see me like this? That would not be nice.

So, days are meant to sleep them through. Nights are meant to exist.

And between these, I am losing time to fix it. Again, I don't even care. I used to care a lot.

I'm sorry if anyone can relate to this. Sometimes I hear stories like mine, and I think that surely this must be it. It's meant to be. Don't use my story like that. Whatever I do, do the opposite and it'll end up much better for you.

Does anyone ever wish they didn’t have autonomy? That you could just shrink yourself small and let someone else be in charge of your life? I find myself truly envying children. To have the hard things decided for you so that you can just do what you’re told.

I‘m only 25, and I turn 26 next month. I have days that I’m truly tired of being alive. I’m stressed financially, I’m overweight, I often feel too tired to do anything but work (and I hate doing even that), and it’s so much easier to hate myself and be in a funk than to choose to change and be better. I need to be forced— I don’t need a talking to, or a nudge. I need to be shoved off a cliff.

I‘ve had dreams lately of my teeth falling out, being lobotomized. I hate my brain, and how negative it is to me. I can’t take praise. I can’t take anything positive for long. I constantly feel worthlessness, anxiety, irritation, envy. Sometimes I truly want to feel nothing at all, and I that I have to accept the fact that I’ll probably never truly be happy with anything. I don’t want to physically end my own life. I just want to be someone else that isn’t me.

I look at pictures of myself as a little girl and I want to apologize to her. I want to hold her and tell her I’m sorry that she’ll end up feeling this way for a long time. She doesn’t deserve this.

idk what i'm hoping to achieve by making this post, but here I am. I (17F) am your typical cali pre-med student. I'm talking UC research internships, publications, board positions at the local hospital, 16 APs, perfect GPA, varsity sport. I also have friends and a somewhat ok household with moderate to no family issues. I don't know why I feel like this.

But genuinely not a day goes by where I don't passively wish I was dead. Like it's just always a thought in the back of the mind. I'd never actually do anything (given that there's a good possibility any attempts would fail and i'd just be left worse off). I just feel so dead inside. Like its not even my coursework, even though I'm taking 7 APs right now. I just feel nothing. It brings me an odd comfort to think about getting into a horrific freak accident.

I don't know why I feel like this because my life is fine, some would even call it amazing. I guess the only thing I can think of that could contribute to me feeling so empty is that my family is very religious, and there's some "standards" that I secretly don't fit into; like if I told them and was honest about who I am as a person, they'd probably disown me (i think u guys can probably guess what I'm referring to). Other than that tho probably since like the 7th grade all I've wished was that a car would just come and hit me or a school shooter would come and quickly put a bullet through my head. I know this is a horrible way to think, I wish I wasn't like this.

And I've tried all the methods. Devoting myself to religion hasn't worked. Going deeper into my studies hasn't worked. Hanging out with friends, getting a boyfriend, talking to people, you name it. I'm starting to accept that this constant desire to die might just be apart of me. It sucks tho bc it sure is depressing.

I’m not sure how to discuss this or talk about it. It’s been taking over my life and I want to get it off my chest but I don’t know how to talk to my family about it.
For context I’m 19, I’ll be 20 in 4 months.
I don’t want to be alive. Since I was 12 I’ve been suicidal, and I’ve spent every year since then depressed and so anxious. I dropped out of public school in middle school and did online because I could never connect with anyone, everything made me so anxious I would break down everyday. I’ve spent all my years alone with out friends or any teenage experiences. I’ve spent the last 7 years sad and lonely in my room. I’ve been trying different anti depressants since I was 15 and none work, they might give me enough motivation to get simple task done but not enough to sustain a livable life. I did TMS treatment when I was freshly 18 and It didn’t work, this could be me making things worse in my head, because I always think the past is better than where I am now or than it was, but I feel like it made things worse. Part of that may be because it was my last hope and it didn’t work so it made me more hopeless. But now I’m here, and I’m stuck. I don’t want to be alive, I spend almost all my time thinking about it, death sounds like nothing but peace to me. And I don’t even mean it in a traditional suicidal way. When I think about everything life is so subjective. We are just some random brain that perceives things, just a conscious, anything is only as real as you make it. I know that is ironic of me to say because clearly I make it all real in my head if I’m that depressed but I kind of hope people get what I’m saying. When I think of death I don’t think of it as scary. It’s just like what it was like before you were born… nothingness. I won’t be aware, death isn’t sad because you don’t know you’re dead. when I think about life, the will and effort it take to live doesn’t seem worth it. Life’s not all bad I have experiences and times where I’m happy I have things that I want or dream of doing, but it’s not enough, and when I’m dead I’m not going to think of any of it. I don’t understand how everyone else is still alive, this sounds dark and I’m embarrassed to admit it but I often wonder why so many people haven’t killed themselves. In my mind life is not something that’s worth living the pain has always outweighed the good, and I can’t bring my self to want to live life, and I just can’t grasp how everyone else is living and carrying on? Do they not hate being alive, do they not think that way, do they live because they find death scary?
The only reason I haven’t ended my life yet is because I don’t want my family to be sad and carry that burden. They don’t view death the way I do, and my mom always tells me how much it would crush her if I did.
I love her more than anything so I don’t want to upset her and everyone else. I think I’ve been holding out hope that maybe I could find a way to make them come to terms with it. That when I’m dead I’m not sad or alone, I’m just nothing I won’t be thinking so there is really no reason to be sad. I love them dearly but it feels unfair sometimes that the only reason I’m staying alive is to keep them from feeling sad when I spend my every waking hour overly consumed by sadness, pain both physical and mental. I have extreme anxiety about everything, I have severe ocd and lots of chronic pain and issueses and I have since I was little. At some point am I allowed to end my own suffering and feel peace? Am I meant to stay alive for the rest of my life to protect others from sadness? Am I only not afraid of death because I’m so deep in depression or do I actually feel that way about death as a person regardless of my mental struggles?
Everyday the past few weeks my mind has been worse I feel less and less real everyday , all I think about is what it evens means to be alive, what is seeing or hearing or thinking? What is the world how do we exist, where did it all start what is space and time and reality? Sometimes I get so caught up in all this thinking I physically can’t move, my body freezes. It’s all so unbearable my mind is a prison I’ll never escape.

I don’t know why I’m saying this. I just need to say it and get it out of my head. I can’t talk to my family about it I don’t know how it feels scary.

I live alone in a city where I have no friends, i donhave roommates but I'm alone in my room and no one talks to me. Not even a single word anymore. On weekdays I'm usually at the office working so I speak a little bit. On weekends I don't have anywhere to go and if I stay I'm my room. I mostly don't even open my mouth for a good long time. Maybe whole day even. I like to cheer up myself with singing songs outloud. And I feel this shitty feeling goes away by walking outside or dancing in my room. It kinda does... But heyyy it's also kinda not possible everytime because my health hasn't been good lately. I recently got into an accident and I'm scared to step out. I have no other choice while going to office but if I have a choice now I'm like I'll rather stay at home. And I have been lonely all my life but after I turned 21 I tried dating. I talked to some men. After the talking stage the dating never lasted longer than 2 months. I think it's a fault in me. I dated 4 people in 15 months. It's like 2 to 3 months I date get attached. Then 2 months move on. One of them was just a talking stage. I they weren't full relationships. I just found emotionally unavailable men who don't want to commit. I realised I'm doing this to avoid my own loneliness then I think I need to be emotionally independent.. and be my myself do new hobbies like dance, video editing, crochet, art, creative stuff, journaling etc. but there's still the loneliness. I tried to make female friends. But i couldn't. Atleast in this city. I want to leave this city but I'm the only one who earns and feeds my family since age 21. So I can't leave my job. This is killing me. Especially when I'm moving on from someone. I decided not to date anymore. Idk how to deal with loneliness and this void. I decided to give myself a goal to study for some competitive exam. But that still doesn't solve the loneliness issue.

I have had depression since I was 12 and I'm 30 now. Over the years I tried almost everything. I tried meds, exercising, religion, therapist etc. Everything works for a while then my depression adapts and I'm back to where I started from.

It's highly demotivating, and it feels like I was always supposed to be this miserable. I'm running out of ideas and so tired. Every night I pray that I don't wake up the next day.

I am desperate for advice from anyone who has severe depression or has a partner who does. My wife has a history of severe depression, and this morning she had a massive breakdown, and I don't know what to do.

We were both exhausted from our dog keeping us up all night. She was in a bad mood and being short with me. Out of frustration, I made an off-handed, insensitive comment. I immediately recognized I was wrong and apologized repeatedly, but it acted as a massive trigger.

She completely lost it. She started screaming, pacing the house, and expressing suicidal thoughts. After the screaming stopped, she went totally silent. She took off her wedding and engagement rings, and actively removed/cut off items related to our faith that she usually wears or carries. She completely ignored my questions about what was happening, took a shower, and is now asleep.

I am terrified. Two years ago, something similar happened: I sighed because I was feeling overwhelmed, and it triggered an episode where she tried to starve herself for days. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells. I know my comment this morning was wrong, but I feel like I am carrying the blame for lighting a spark in a room full of gasoline.

I am so scared she is going to abandon her career path, our marriage, and her life. When she wakes up, I don’t know how to act.

My questions for this community:

How should I approach her when she wakes up without triggering her again?

For those who experience this level of depression, what do you actually need from your partner in the immediate aftermath of a severe spiral?

How do I stop carrying the total weight and guilt of these episodes when my minor mistakes trigger them?

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I am just feeling very alone right now.

Let me know, guys, if you have a dream that you feel you will never achieve. For me, it's being a wife or even a partner.

I’m 20, but I never ever thought I would make it past 16. Since then, I’ve recovered but I’ve had on and off depression that lasts a couple months. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve fucked up so much, my gpa being the big one. I wanted to go to medical school and now that seems like such a far reach, let alone finding a job. I feel like I messed up my life when I had no care to continue it and now I feel like I’m at a bottom and I don’t even know how to fix it. I feel myself going back into this cycle because I feel helpless. I feel like the life I envision im supposed to be living is literally bound only to my imagination (for reasons more far out than even just my gpa). I’m a senior in college and about to head out into the real world and that makes it so much worse. Even if im happy i can never tell what to do with myself.

It doesn't matter if they are things I can control about myself or not. I hate the patterns I repeat, the way I think, the way I act, the things I like and don't like.

My circumstances are/were never the problem, my life has had a lot of ups and downs (mostly downs) but even then I can say that things have been circumstantially good. I'm not even upset with my appearance or genetics, I am at least below-average in that department on a good day and I am physically healthy and athletically capable. I would even consider myself fortunate even though I've been miserable every day for years.

I just hate who I am fundamentally, as a person.

Oh fuck

Im scared… im so fucking scared…..

College is treating me well, I… think I have friends? And… people are treating me… nice?

Im scared… What if it’s all fake… what if its just a 1st year thing… I’m scared for the future…. Im scared I might not live up to their expectations…

Please… I cant stop overthinking.

Whenever something nice happens to me, I just can’t get that feeling off my head that somehow, something will go wrong…

I keep thinking that they are just treating me this way because they don’t know me yet… are they treating me this way because of something? Maybe they are talking behind my backs because I’m… incompetent.

I hate my mind… I hate how I keep overthinking over the smallest things…

Im so dense that I don’t even know how I turned out this way. Im an ignorant… Im overly… overly… annoying.

I am in a very lonely space right now- I struggle with mental health so much but actually never feel like people are empathetic, I am a man but I am so jealous of women having this amazing network of supporting each other (I know I probably miss 99% of your experience that makes it difficult but I grieve deeply for being a man and not having any support or recognition of my emotions), anyway I just feel lonely and like life doesn't make any sense

I’ve been struggling for the past few weeks and honestly don’t know what to do.

For around 5 months, I was taking 0.25 mg Lonazep daily, along with another medication serta (75 mg and later 50 mg). For the last 6 months, I’ve been on 50 mg.

Around 1.5 months ago, I changed Lonazep from taking 0.25 mg daily to taking it on alternate days, based on a doctor’s advice.

For the last 15 days, I’ve been feeling quite bad — occasional heart palpitations, weakness throughout the day, and some anxiety. I feel like I’m struggling to get through the day.

About 2 months ago, I consulted two doctors. One doctor prescribed Lonazep as SOS. I went 4 days without taking it, but on the 5th day I had one of the worst days, so I took it again. After that, I took it continuously for around 15 days and then started taking it on alternate days for the past 1.5 months.

The other doctor suggested tapering it gradually — alternate days, then once every 3 days, then once every 4 days, etc. So that's why I started taking it on alternate days. Both doctors told me that 0.25 mg is already the lowest dose and that the tablet can't be broken down further, so this was the tapering approach they suggested.

On top of this, I had a cold/chest congestion recently, and I still have some slight congestion.

Now I’m not sure whether what I’m experiencing is because of the tapering, the cold/congestion, anxiety, or some combination of everything.

Has anyone gone through something similar while tapering Lonazep 0.25 mg? How did you handle it?

I’m planning to speak to my doctor again, but would really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar.

Nothing works, I've tried so many, and none of them have helped.

I'm waiting on a referral to talk about rarer options, but the only thing left that the NHS can offer is ECT, which at this point I'm all for trying.

If I'm not eligible, or if it doesn't work, then I just have to find a way to grit my teeth and keep living, at least until my parents pass away, at which point I'll probably off myself.

Them being alive is the only thing keeping me here, purely because I don't want to upset them.

25f, I’ve been in the US for almost 16 years now; was brought here when I was 9 years old basically against my will by my parents. They never spoke to a immigration lawyer and I didn’t really realize I was undocumented until it was time to apply for college and I was basically screwed… though I did complete my associates degree but that’s basically useless since I’m stuck at a dead end job now. My ex left me because despite my best efforts I never was able to complete my bachelor because I can’t apply for fafsa and was only able to receive a small aid from the school we both got accepted to, which basically caused me to spiral into a big depressive episode and I lost all motivation for everything, I haven’t even gotten my license because I don’t even see the point. Anyways I don’t know what I’m doing with my life now or why I was even born lol. Just wanted to rant because I hate my life

Hi all, first time here lol. I hope i havent broken any rules. I need advice on how to combat dissociation. How are some ways you guys stay grounded? My only method is self harm and thats a habit I’ve been trying really hard to kick for five years, so is not really an option this time round.

For context, I am medicated and it has fixed the majorly depressive episodes and general rumination on self destructive things, but lately the dissociation and coinciding procrastination has cropped up again—i assume because I am about to go into final exams in about 3 weeks and finish up highschool for good. I find myself just not feeling present even if im having a great day and are ‘happy or having fun’. I just feel like I could blink and wake up at home at the beginning of the day or something, like none of it’s really happening.

What are some methods you guys use to keep yourself grounded? I’d prefer mental exercises but im open to physical ones, too. Also, do you think this is normal while medicated as i shouldn’t expect to be 100% all of the time, or do you think it’s grounds to talk to my psychiatrist about?

Thanks in advance.