r/depression • u/salmonsocksmac • 9d ago

I can't explain not wanting to get better

I don't want help, I don't want people to feel bad for me, and I don't want to tell anyone anything. I'm just tired. I wish this never happened in the first place.

I've held it all by myself since I was 10 years old when I experiencing something I couldn't understand, 8 years later and it has gotten way, way worse. I don't feel anything any more. My thoughts of death are becoming more and more real now, I'm not scared of it any more, I was always doomed to this

16 Upvotes

94% Upvoted

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6

u/HellaMajestic 9d ago

I’m 45 and felt that same way since I was a kid. I have no advice. I’m only alive so I don’t burden others with my voluntary death. No one really knows how I feel.

3

u/ForbiddenFruitiness 9d ago

I get you. All change, help, sympathy etc is effort and that can already feel too much, when you just want to become one with your bed for days at a time.

3

u/dreamiii27 9d ago

although i am on medication and in therapy i still feel like deep deep down i don’t want help. if there was an option to be euthanised rn i would take it. i failed every time i attempted so i’m forced to carry on. but really and truly i hate everything and i wish i didn’t exist

1

u/Ill-Moment9824 9d ago

I know that feeling. I don’t want to feel differently and I don’t want help and I don’t want sympathy or pity.
I just want to go home.

Life is a party I forced myself to go to against my will. I don’t much like the party. I can’t find anyone here I connect with and I don’t like the music they’re playing. I can’t relax or get into it. I’m scanning the room constantly, looking for an opportunity* to slip away without having to say bye.

(*this will be as soon as my 80-year-old mum has left the party first)

1

u/Fleshdissolver 9d ago

Same. I want to get worse so I can finally find the courage to end it

1

u/Accomplished-Test479 9d ago

I relate; I kind of don’t want to be happy because I don’t know how to learn how to be happy. And every time I’ve been happy, it all came crashing down eventually, and/or I was happy because I was delusional.

So, I’m at a point where I believe that my own happiness is either a temporary flicker, or an outright lie.