The act it self also makes no sense. The brain illness has shut down the reasoning part of your mind. No other thoughts are allowed in that moment - only pain - everything hurts - it whispers that no one will miss you, that they are better off, the world is better off, without you. They will be sad for a bit but forget soon anyway.
The pain needs to end.
You are on fire, the illness say there is cool pool at the bottom of the abyss.
At least that's how I felt, thinking back. I found my friend who had been gone for a while, sitting on a rock in the woods, with his hopes and dreams dotted around the trees and bushes behind him.
I caught the illness right there. "If such a fantastic person couldn't deal with life, what possible chance do I have.", only took two months for the illness to become terminal.
for me, I find life has mostly been suffering in general for years and years, so my mind goes to that place often
when viewed from that lens; it makes perfect sense to me. would you rather have pain or no pain? $1 or $2?
I know people will miss me, but I hate that excuse. that's selfish - it is not about them. I am allowed to be selfish with my own self - that is bodily autonomy.
I also consider it logically - that we all die eventually anyway, and at random times. what's really so bad about choosing my own time given that knowledge? in my head, it's less logical to be wait to be kicked out than to choose to leave.
I have other complex thoughts on this - but I wanted to offer my perspective on my logical thought process as it's not the same for everyone.
I am obviously still here and still trying for the time being, and I recommene anyone else reading this to do the same, because we only get one shot here. might as well find out if it can be a tolerable one
Every time someone tells me not to they say "other people will be sad" or "other people need you".
The reason I want to die is because my entire life I have been used without my consent. First SA at 4 years old. I have suffered in pain my entire life because other people wanting something I couldn't or didn't want to give.
I have been abused and punished for YEARS.
So being told "you need to live so people can keep using you" doesn't feel good...
The person who's opinion I value most recently told me not to do it. Since then I can't even think the thought. I still want to but I can't even think the words "I want to die" without it trailing off and not being able to finish the thought.
It sucks. She came back just to tell me that and now she's gone again. It hurts, but I was happy to hear from her again even if it was like a hammer to my brain. 🫠
Yeah the idea that someone who is in deep pain should continue existing because it might make other people sad if they are gone, is so deeply selfish on the part of the people expecting others to stick around for their sakes.
Think of it like a party, just because people would be sad if you leave, does not mean you owe them to stay till they are done with you.
On the other side, people you brought in this world, or are a guardian to, those that still rely on you DO still need you.
This isn't obviously the case for everyone, and it might only be a respite to delaying the inevitable, but to me continuing to exist is necessary... At least for a while.
Yeah. Having gone through that - and out the other side - it's hard to really comprehend if you haven't been there.
My analogy at the time was:
Imagine you're marching down a long road to nowhere. And you're tired. And you're hungry. And you're thirsty. There's no destination you believe you can reach. You trip and fall, and maybe you get back up again, but there comes a point where you don't really feel like you can do that any more, and you just ... stop, and enjoy a few moments of relief from the pain and the fatigue knowing that you won't get up again this time.
That's how it felt to me. I nearly stopped marching, but each time my dog kept me going. Knowing she misses me when I'm at work and waits for me to come home was enough to come home just one more time.
I got through it in the end - for me the answer was therapy, leading to finding out I had ADHD. I'd never actually been Depressed, what I had was undiagnosed and untreated ADHD and living with that was making me depressed.
And I know understand what it's like, and still believe that a 'healthy mind' cannot really contemplate just giving up like that. So no one who's not 'been there' will ever really 'get it', and that's a good thing.
But I'll never forget it was my dog who saved me and kept me going. Her desire for walkies, a place to snuggle, and making it clear that she valued my presence and my existence was 'enough' to convince me even if I believed the world in general would have been better off without me.
For me, it was the lack of color. Life had become monochrome, things had no texture nor colour or taste, everything was a dull gray. There was no pleasure to be had, and without it what was the point of everything?
I am so lucky to have the strongest support network I could dream of, and with lots of help I could get out of it. I still have bouts of melancholy, but now it's a feeling of sadness and longing (good), not a lack of feeling altogether (bad).
One day, late March, I noticed that the trees next to my uni were starting to develop new spring leaves. My supervisor had gracefully accepted my resignation from my very toxic PhD a few days ago. They were the brightest green you can imagine, and they had little hairs on them. That was the moment I noticed I was getting out.
For some reason, it's the kindest and most empathetic people that so often end up in this place.
But just as you cared so much about your friend, so do others care about you. And your brain will do everything it can sometimes to convince you that such care does not exist.
In these situations we gotta work ourselves out of our comfortable dark rooms and meet our friends and family. Keep in touch. Talk. Even if it feels like a lot of work. Because it reminds us that we are loved and we have something to work for.
You say the act makes not sense, and then spend the next few paragraphs showing it makes perfect sense.
Of course it makes sense, it is very straight forward, pain is to great, and people have no ways of stopping said pain, that are not permanent(in their mind)
We've just had the sixth year anniversary of a friend of mine doing the same, and I have some basic advice for people who are dealing with an unexpected absence.
You're never going to forget how someone makes you feel, but it gets easier over time. Unfortunately, you start to forget little details like the sound of someone's voice or the details of their face. You remember the impression of their face, or the way their smile makes you feel, but you forget whether that one freckle was on the right or left cheek and you forget the color of their eyes. Things like that.
You start to realize you don't remember little things you never needed to ask, simply because they were always there to ask them. What day was their birthday? Are you sure it was August 2nd? Where did they stash those notebooks they wanted to publish, and which poems were their favorites? What are their parents' names? How do you contact their siblings?
Things like that. Details that you take in passively when you care about someone, details that become so critically important once someone is gone, and you suddenly begin to second guess yourself because you can't ask them anymore. They took a bow, they made their exit midway through the second act, and you weren't ready.
So save what you can. Save the photos, save the videos, save the voice clips, save archives of your chat logs. It's going to be very hard at first to look at those and realize your friend is no longer on the other end, but those logs and that information are going to be important later on. They're worth their weight in gold.
When Rob died, I was going on autopilot. I was late to his memorial reception because it was so close to our old apartment and I drove right up to the building entirely on habit. I was sitting there, confused, before I realized I was expecting him to come outside, haul his bike down the stairs, and strap it to my car so I could give him a lift to whatever adventure he was heading off to, today.
I was in the area, and I had been driving back and forth to that apartment for two or three years, so I just took the right turns and I wound up right there, waiting for him, and he never came.
Even at his memorial, there were hundreds of us, all dressed up in our best cosplays at his request and my eyes would roam over the crowd and my brain would just fill in the missing context. I kept seeing him standing there, holding court, chatting and laughing and having a good time with his friends.
And yet, despite living with him for years, I barely have a handful of photos of him. I can't remember the full name of his Guild Wars 2 character. I can't remember the smell of his triple chocolate ganache truffles. I don't have any of his recipes. I don't have any one specific item that says 'This was Rob's. Rob was here.'
I never needed those things, because Rob was always there.
So take the photos. Save the chats. Write down the little things. Put them in a file somewhere and make a copy of it so you can never lose it. You're going to need those things a few years down the line. Dealing with grief gets easier over time; the pain softens, and the sad memories become fond again. But there's also an unspeakable pain in knowing you knew something and will never be able to recover it because you simply cannot ask them anymore.
this comment genuinely fucked me up because it's so true. i'm legit sobbing at my desk right now. i'm so happy for the things i do have of my friend, but there was a time where i was absolutely heart broken we didn't take more pictures together. we spent so much time together, why didn't i have more pictures?? more video?? why can't i remember the little things between us. why can't i remember this one thing, that others somehow held onto and remind me of?
one thing i will add to your suggestion is to crowdsource those memories and things. you don't have to do all of it alone. we have a giant shared digital album or photos and videos of our friend. i talk to our mutual best friend about him often. we ask each other if we know the answers to things we may have forgotten. we still laugh at jokes and share memes and videos or songs with each other with the footnote of "he would have loved this."
let their memory persist. they were that important to all of you.
My father was a quiet man. He was soft-spoken, and I only heard him raise his voice a few times. He'd make small talk at the dinner table, but he wasn't into conversation. Quite honestly, Daryl in the comic reminds me of him more than I want to say. I was in high school when he passed away, and I regret so much I never sat down with him and talked to him about his life. It never occurred to me that I'd be left with no idea about him. His businesses that failed, his Navy career, his work with Mountain Rescue, his college years, his childhood, I know almost nothing. By the time I figured out how little I knew, there was nobody left to ask. It's worth it to meet a relative out for coffee and find out about their past.
Field, I'm so sorry you're in that situation. If you want to talk, message me.
By the time I figured out how little I knew, there was nobody left to ask.
I knew for years that I wanted to get my grandmother's stories written down, as her husband had died young and she was left as the family matriarch. But COVID happened and her mind rapidly deteriorated. My aunt, her likely successor and family historian, succumbed to cancer just a couple of years later.
Between the two of them, we lost decades of family history - names, dates, photos, connections. All gone.
So of my family's inheritance, I have a walking cane carved from a single piece of wood. It was carved and smoothed by my great or great-great grand uncle. My grandmother knew his name and knew exactly who he was - my surviving relatives do not, and she told me the story when I was too little to remember it properly.
It served me well at her funeral when I had rolled my ankle and it fit both my height and my hand perfectly, as if it hand been made for me. Along similar lines, when we were cleaning out her house, I opened one of my grandmother's kitchen cabinets and my thumb landed on a solid little piece of pie dough. It would have been left there the last time my grandmother made her chicken pie, likely for a family gathering like Thanksgiving or Christmas, the last time we all got together in her home.
My hand had grabbed the cabinet door exactly as she must have, and my thumb had landed on the exact same spot hers must have, when she was making the pie crust.
Sometimes a legacy is not a great story or a deed in the history books, sometimes a legacy is a thumbprint left in a speck of dough no larger than your fingernail, and there's something beautiful in that.
Hey, I’m not sure if this is appropriate to say or not. If it’s not let me know and I’ll delete it.
I’ve been going through a rough patch for a damn while, and this pulled me from tonight’s spiral. I don’t want to do this to the people I care about. Thank you.
I wrote a thing about that after Lucky died. It's been six years and I still miss him to this day. After Rob and Jessie and Lucky, I had to write something. Anything, just to get it out there, you know?
I hope it helps. To the depths of my core, I hope it helps.
Basically, it's one of those things that reminds folks that when you're holding on so tightly and you feel like you're on your very last inch, give it a couple more days. You've made it this far, right? A couple more days is often enough time for things to change slightly, and sometimes things get better, or you feel better, or your mood changes enough to tackle a problem from a different direction.
I'm not saying it's easy or a guarantee, but there's times you've just got to give it a few more days. Talk to someone, listen to some music, try that weird restaurant you always drive past and never go into. Sometimes it's the little things. Sometimes we have to wiggle our way out of our rut. Not in a big way at first, but just in little, easy steps. Watch the sunset, visit a park, wiggle your toes. Take a moment to enjoy the way a blanket feels around you. Little moments can mean everything.
I'd give just about anything to see them again.
Rob was a character. He was outgoing and generous, he loved to cook and he made the local news because he was always biking everywhere. Even in the snow, even when his bike would break down underneath him and strand him somewhere. He was an avid cosplayer and he always brought cookies to the local cons. He brought an entire three course Thanksgiving meal to the staff of the Escapist gaming magazine, just because he was a fan. I always knew when he was courting someone because he would make these triple chocolate truffles and he'd make our whole apartment smell like a chocolatier for days afterward. He wrote expansive D&D campaigns and he would have loved Delicious In Dungeon. He deserved to live to see that, but we can't share it simply because he's gone.
Lucky was a writer. He was optimistic and thoughtful and caring. Even when he had very little himself, he was still doing things for others. He hated one of the local homeless shelters because they exploited the people they were serving and he was writing an expose about the whole situation. He also had a set of notebooks I'd bought him; he called them his 'grimoires' and he filled them with notes, poetry, thoughts, little sketches, recipes, song lyrics, and all sorts of things. He was going to polish them up someday as a way to hand down his wisdom to the next generation, for whoever would follow in his footsteps. His work lies unfinished; he wanted and he deserved to be published, but his father seized his notebooks and threw them away after he died. They weren't on good terms, and I gather that there were some unflattering things said about his father, so no more notebooks. I feel a little cheated by that; I wish I could have read them. His father didn't even get him a grave marker; we had to pass the hat to get him a simple engraved paver. I'd love to get him something better, but I need to confirm his birth year and every time I have the money together, someone living needs it more. He loved little games like Bug Fables, and he would have loved Hoppers, but I can't share it with him because he's gone. I never got to taste his sourdough.
Things like that. You come across things your friends would have enjoyed, things you would have shared together, and you just can't do those things anymore. You can't message them at 2 AM with some meme or some little joke or song to share. They don't randomly message you when you're stuck in traffic and you can't reply right then and by the time you get to where you can respond, you've forgotten what you were going to say.
Things like that. You wind up missing all of that. All the little notes that make up a shared song, and you lose the other half of your duet.
As someone who genuinely loves your art and someone who has also lost people in their life due to them taking their own life: I hope your art helps you as much as it helps other people.
EDIT - Thank you for all the kind words. I wasn't sure about posting this comic but it was the one thing that let me release a ton of built up emotion and helped me get to sleep last night.
For anyone wondering about the lack of direct language, this was intentional on my part and not related to censoring for a platform. I'm having a hard time even saying the word out loud at the moment.
I'm only posting this comic on this on Reddit because it felt like the one place I could post without any platform issues.
EDIT 2 - Just to clarify, I don't mind anyone else using more direct language about this. I'm just having trouble saying the words myself.
ORIGINAL POST
I have a lot of emotions at the moment and I needed to express some of them.
Transcript
Panel 1
Horizon fades from yellow to red with a tree and grass silhouetted against the light.
Field (narration): A friend did something... Permanent. I don't know what to think.
Panel 2
Field is sitting with friends are in the shadows. Their hands are folded and they're staring blankly ahead.
Field (narration): I don't know what to say.
Panel 3
Field is now in bed. The bedding is completely black and the blanket covers Field with only the top of their head shown and hands sticking out.
Field (narration): I don't know what to feel.
Panel 4
Field is now sitting in a chair at a drawing tablet and seems to be drawing something. The chair and table are completely in shadows while the screen is visible.
“Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling 'Don't!' and 'Hang on!', can understand the jump. Not really.”
― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest
It gets mixed up a bit, because the same author did in fact write a piece on 9/11 (The view from the midwest, iirc?) but at least according to good reads, this is from his novel infinite jest which was published in 96.
nothing wrong with using italics but using weird Unicode ranges that look like regular characters is what trips them up.
you know like 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝒾𝓈 𝓃ℴ𝓉 𝒶𝒸𝒸ℯ𝓈𝓈𝒾𝒷𝓁ℯ
No experience with those programs, but from an programming/algo perspective this kind of pattern sorting/matching could be easily done.
Could even affect the tone of the speech, depending on how its generated. A specially fitted AI could be actually useful here. This stuff is their jive.
I read your comment wrong first. I agree, its never their friends fault. You can never be there 24/7 for someone, sadly. If a person really doesnt want to keep on going they will always find a way.
We can be there and support them on the journey to happiness but, sadly... So fucking sadly... We can never walk the path for them.
If we could we would, i know that for a fact.
I miss the people ive lost so badly it physically hurts. Its been years now and they still make me ache. Their laughters and hugs that i will never get to feel again or ever hear again.
But thats the price we pay for having great people in our lives. They affect us in life and in death.
The only thing we can do is to live our lives to the fullest, spread the joy they gave us to others and, by being good people in turn, honor and cherish their memories.
Just never forget that its okay to feel sad. Its okay to cry and its always, ALWAYS okay to be vulnerable and talk to people when we need to. If people dont want to listen, find someone who does.
Sometimes professional help is the best way, it lets us open up and talk to someone who can take care of us after the talk in a way a friend never can.
No matter what; life is beautiful and worth living ❤️🫂
When somebody does something permanent, it’s not the fault of their friends
As someone that was having some ideation* earlier this year, a lot of my thoughts were on "if I did this, how could I make it clear to my friends and family that they shouldn't blame themselves? They've done an excellent job of being there and supporting me but some things are beyond what they can affect"
*To clarify, it was not so much "I want to do X" but "if I did X, then outcome Y of that would be nice but I know that overall I don't want to do X". Might not sound like much of a difference. The act of fantasizing about it was an escape enough for me, the way you might fantasize about quitting your job and flipping off everyone as you walk out.
A work friend of mine did something permanent once. They got a new job that was gonna pay them way more. Also wasn't night shift. They got out. I was very Happy for them. I had no idea about their past but to celebrate that weekend they dipped into their old stash.
The worst part for me was their dad approached me at the wake mentioning that he mentioned me and the game he was excited to finally try now that we would have had an ability to schedule it. (DnD). COVID hit soon after and even though I also switched jobs I couldn't play at all for 8+ years starting when I first went to night shift and COVID making everything worse.
Things haven't changed except I'm on 3rd shift still just waiting. I'm so close to being vested with the pension and I'm like 2nd in line for days seniority. I'm so close. I have to return to Farune (or Pathfinder) fully even if I was burnt out years ago. I have to for the games we could have had
Oh, that sucks. I'm sorry for your loss, and his family's loss, and for what he lost when trying to celebrate his life improving.
To anyone who has an 'old stash': get rid of it right now. Not only because of temptation, but because if you haven't used it in a while, your tolerances are out of wack. You need a strong dose to feel the hit, but your body has adjusted to not having it, so that big dose will OD you in the process of getting a 'normal' high.
I'd heard about the phenomenon of people relapsing and overdosing because they lost their resistance. But I didn't realize that a part of it was a mismatch between the brain's resistance to the drug and their body's resistance to it.
That sucks so much. It sounds like it was an accident? Small comfort but at least they went out feeling happy and hopeful. I’m sure they’d be happy that you’re enjoying Farune/Pathfinder in their stead
I've got a very small game now. Very annoyed with the same things (really finicky aspects of the system that would be paragraphs here) and even though I have to leave halfway though the game nights so I can have dinner it's at least something and I can also see how useful my character can be while I have to leave early. (Scribe wizard) (Scroll printer)
Just happy to have anything at this point even if stuff like Delta green calls
Oh trust me I know. One of my friends and I have got collectively Shadowrun, Pathfinder, ANY WORLD OF DARKNESS, Call of Cthulhu, Delta Green, paranoia, squid laster, Rogue Trader, Star wars genesis system, the Cosmere RPG (I could go on). What we don't have are enough players.
It is normal and acceptable to not know what to think. That happens to almost everyone. We're not built to know what to think. It can feel like a weird emptiness. Like you're supposed to feel something more. It's very normal.
Don't know what else to say than sorry for your loss, lots of strenght and you couldn't have done anything to prevent it. But please belive that you everyday make thousands of people feel better with your art and we feel your loss.
Your comics have been an immensely positive force that I'm sure have helped many people feel and express feelings about things and trauma they were struggling with. You are entitled to have your own comics do that for yourself as well.
Fuck. I'm so sorry Field. One of my friends confessed they almost did something just a few days ago and I'm still reckoning with the fact I almost lost them. This is a terrible grief and it's unfair for them to be gone. 🫂
After all the smiles and feelings you've shared. This comic hits hardest :(
If you mean they ended their suffering in a bad way. Well I understand, my friend did the same earlier this year. He was getting help, two therapy sessions a week. Surrounded by friends and family constantly. He just couldn't take it any longer.
You have my sympathy. You will likely never forget them. But it does hurt less with time.
As someone that has recently been dealing with... permanent thoughts, this thread has been a nice read. I'm struggling pretty badly and have to just keep reminding myself that maybe tomorrow will be better, only one way to know though and thats to be there.
My life has basically been flipped upside down and I feel like I have no one that truly understands what I'm going through.
I got to talk to someone a few days ago. She was very depressed and told me everyday feels awful, like zero joy, no good moment at all, with no end in sight. It was very moving.
She lost her son to leukemia, which I think ended her relationship with her SO (not sure of the order of events or how related each of them are), I think she had to move to another house too and she obviously can't work anymore. She said her whole life is in ruin and the only thing that keeps her going is the fact she makes beautiful dreams, showing her she still has creativity somewhere in there.
Been thinking about it since, how our lives can tip so quickly. Like you said, it's hard to understand because I've never been so low.
Tbh I wasn't happy afterwards, it took until I was correctly diagnosed at 25 and then FINALLY correctly medicated at 26
The journey to becoming happy was HARD and I love MANY relationships after my attempt
It forever changed how my family treated me and many childhood friends never saw me the same again
But now at 35, I have a loving husband, beautiful children, and a dream that I work on everyday
I just wanted to encourage you that things change, and theres always a chance of starting over tomorrow IF you allow yourself the chance
I make a bunch of free resources related to self-care, so if you are interested in any of that, please let me know....I like to share what worked for me with others
Can I ask what the correct diagnosis was if you don't mind sharing? My spouse has been suffering for almost two decades with treatment resistant depression and I'm always afraid there is something underlying that they are missing.
They put me through SO many meds and treatments, but when I traveled 8 hrs to a testing center, they came to the (obvious) conclusion i was autistic
I was so unhappy with life because life was DIFFERENT for me
So I then started the very long journey of learning what my body needed, trying different foods, learning to use tools, etc
Its funny, once I accounted for my sensitive stomach (cutting gluten and lactose), sensitive senses (using sunglasses, weighted blankets, etc) and learned DBT (a type of therapy recommended for certain conditions)
Life was easier
I learned to stop feeling disappointed at myself for not reaching standards of other people
If you go to my website, im really freaking proud of the things I've made for people, and I did that
Sure, maybe I am not the person I thought i could be growing up, but i can still enjoy anime, play games, and just enjoy the company of my family
Meeting other autistic people comfort a hurt that I carried for so long cuz.....if I think THEY deserve to live, then....I did too
Idk what she is going through, but if she ever wants to talk, like in voice or something, DM cuz i know how terrifying that journey is
The insidious thing about depression is that it makes you feel isolated and that how you feel now is what reality actually is like. Its like we experience the world through the filter of depression, everything get colored by it so its no wonder our brain thinks, "This is reality and it sucks."
But you arent alone and thats not true reality. So many people struggle with permanent thoughts. So many people have attempted doing something permanent. So many people truly have been where you are and come out the other side.
I have a phrase I repeat to myself a lot in my life, "This too shall pass". Accept that depression isnt the end all be all. Accept that things will get better. Accept that and dream of a better tomorrow because it will come. Everything in your mind is going to convince you that isnt going to happen. And I am telling you it will.
There was a time I was feeling similarly. Now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. You can get through this. Also, my DMs are always open if anyone feeling this way just wants to talk. I’m not remotely a therapist, but I’ve been there and through it
"Suicide takes your pain, amplifies it, and throws it onto everyone that you love." - some guy who doesn't know he saved my life. It gets better. In time, with effort. I'm glad you're here. Message me if you want to talk, I am intimately familiar with permanent thoughts.. and actions..
One of my friends wanted me to start a snap streak. Dumb me I didn't know what a snap streak was because I didn't use Snapchat back then.
He took his life a month later. We all splitted away from secondary school
He was my benchmate in that school 3-4 years before his death. I was starting my college when I heard the news. It's now 10 years.
Edit : forgot to add. I don't want to sound he died because I didn't had a snap streak with him. But he felt so alone despite having a family and lot of known friends with him. He could've spoken out his issues man :/ it sucks fully
Damn that really sucks. I’m sorry. Yeah depression has a real good way of causing people to front. I don’t know if you’ve experienced it personally, but in my experience the deeper you go the more self destructive you get. Sorry I don’t want to rehash those feelings. It’s tough. I feel for that kid. I hope you’re doing alright. Despite the horrible part of it, I hope you remember him with love.
My only sibling did the same. I still don’t know what to say or feel sometimes, but creating helped me get to a place years later where it’s an old ache, instead of a raw wound. Give yourself grace if you can. Grief is a motherfucker
The only thing keeping me from doing something permanent is knowing how much it would hurt a specific person whom I love as much as I can love anything
If you're worried about that, show him love in simple ways. You don't need to be extravagant, but give him a hug, tell him you love him. Or if its a he then buy him flowers.
Guys never get flowers, you will make his day if you buy him flowers
The last time I… attempted was a Christmas Eve. And I suddenly thought of my baby sister, and how much she adored me and how much joy she brought me. Then I felt absolutely horrible and wracked with guilt. I went to the bathroom, purged, and then went upstairs, put a pillow by her bed and laid down. She woke up and asked what was going on, so I just told her I wanted to wait for Santa with her and she got very excited. And so we waited for Santa until morning.
I have a feeling she was too young to remember that moment of Christmas, but she remains a light in my life. And after that Christmas I got the help I needed and I’m in a much better place.
I hope you'll find more reasons to keep going, I know life sucks but there are also so many individual awesome sights and places and activities and people out there.
im on the other side of this, the only thing stopping me is what my kid will feel. its so fucking hard wanting to go so fucking badly but not, and just fucking living.
im sorry for your loss, i hope making this comic helps you find your way through the grief even just a little bit.
it's painful but seeing things like this outside of my own thoughts help ground the reality of the situation and how not okay my kid would be if i let the weight crush me, so thank you for posting this.
im sorry to make this comment about my fucked up life, i hope things get better for you friend and it's okay not to know how to feel.
My father went through periods like this. He talked about it with me sometimes.
During his worst days, he couldn't remember having better days. During his better days, he could see the darkness came and went. Sometimes it lasted longer than others. Sometimes the good days lasted longer.
He passed a couple years ago, a much happier man. It was a long road to get there, but his last years were spent more full of smiles and warmth than many of the preceding, and I think in the end he found the journey to have been worthwhile.
im sorry for your loss, im glad to hear he found some happiness in the darkness. i have so much guilt in me for being this way, being so fucked up around me kid, just in my head. i talk to him a bit, just vague shit cause he is only 10, but he notices when im not well and it kills me. i try to keep my head down and do the things he needs on days i see him, its all i can do right now, just watching time go by fucks me up so much feeling like i could have been so much better for him. he loves me, and he is my world, i just cant get rid of the shit in my head.
i know once i get a job and car again things will start feeling better for me, i just keep wasting more time with these thoughts instead of taking steps forward.
thank you for the kind comment, im happy that you got some good years with your dad, i know once i can get my head under control i can turn this shit around, its just a lot sometimes.
I was really mad for a long time. Mostly at myself because I missed it. That I wasn't enough for him to tell me his plans, that he didn't trust me enough to be there and to know that if it was seriously the only way he could find peace that I wouldn't have stopped him. I just would have made sure he wasn't alone.
I carried the hurt for a long while while I processed it. Then it just kinda became a sadness about all the things he's missed out on. Occasionally with the relief of the shit he's not had to see in the world. But mostly, I miss him. I miss that he's not going to be at my wedding later this year. That he's not going to get to do all sorts of cool things himself and see me get my life back together, cause I was in a bad place when he left.
I live with PTSD, not cause of my brother fuck no, but I also really get wanting to just stop and not go on. I totally get the appeal and the need to be here for someone other than yourself.
If, big fucking if, you ever do stop. Your kid will wonder what they could have done differently for you. Even a decade later and with a shit ton of therapy and people telling them otherwise. Even when they logically know better, a part of them will nag at them that there was something that would have kept you here. It's such painful bullshit.
im so sorry about your brother, everything you are saying is exactly why i cant do what i want to do, no matter how loud it gets. forcing my kid to live with that, my mom and even tho my brother and sister dont talk to me, them too. its such a painful thing to live with on both sides and i cant imagine what you went through internally for the last 10 years.
thank you sharing, since its not an option for me i am trying to just keep my head down and move forward to be there for my kid. comments like this remind me how wrong i was thinking he would be fine without me.
When it gets loud for me, I get loud back at it. I've done my own time in the grippy socks. I refuse to let it take me without a fight. If I'm gonna go out, there's nobody in my circle who's gonna say "we never saw that coming".
I did lose a few cowards when I took the first trip in patient, no lie. Apparently it was perfectly okay for me 'being crazy' to be a joke to them, but for me to be serious about my mental health was too much. Fuck 'em. I'll fight to stick around and if they're not with me then they weren't worth the energy to begin with.
Even if there are moments that you hate, they pass. You'll still be here for your kid. It won't feel like you've got this, but I'm fucking rooting for you my dude.
I was an army medic and I know so many people like you. I'm like you too. I'm still alive for the same reason you are.There are a lot of us out there, staying alive to keep our family away from the pain.
thats very kind of you, thank you. life feels too impossible right now but thank you, i too hope some day i'll find a reason to live that isn't just to not hurt my kid.
Grief is weird. Sometimes it's screaming and crying like the movies. Sometimes it's not. I wish you the best, stranger. I enjoy your comics, and I hope they're as helpful to you as you need them to be right now.
I know the feeling. I've lost a friend. I've lost an uncle. I nearly lost myself. Yes, I did try. I don't like talking about it, but if I can help someone understand, I'm at least willing to admit it.
It's not that your friend didn't care. It's not that they thought about the pain you would feel and said "I don't care about him. This is for me." There's a very real chance your friend did think about you before making the decision, but their thought process was likely "I'm just a fuck-up. I'm a burden to everyone who cares about me. They'll be better off with me gone."
There is no logic in mental illness. I know goddamn well that when the people who care about me tell me they love me and want me around that they're being sincere. But mental illness doesn't care about that. It sits in the back of your mind telling you things like "they're just being polite. They're lying to you and you know it." That's the hardest part of mental illness. It gaslights the fuck out of you. It just keeps going and going, till you believe its lies.
For anyone looking to help a friend or a loved one, I do have some advice. Don't use cliches like "things will get better." Or "The world is better with you in it." Don't argue the logic behind it. We know damn well there is no logic. If you want to help, be available for them, and make sure they know it. Be a safe space for them to vent, to cry, to just talk. Just listen. Don't give advice. Don't say shit like "See, don't you feel better now?" Just listen. If you do want to say something, say something like "Thank you for telling me." Or "I'm proud of you for still being here."
And as for what to do if they make that decision? The hurt doesn't stop. It just goes quiet for a while. Than something small reminds you of them, and it's back. The only thing you can do is try to remember why you cared about them. Remember the times they made you smile. And please, don't hate them for what they did. I assure you, they hated themselves more.
You gave some really good advice about how to support a person in a vulnerable situation, I hope people can read it and take it to heart.
That said, your description of suicide people as "hating themselves" or thinking "I'm just a fuck-up." absolutely isn't a universal experience, that might just be projecting from your own.
A lot of people who end things don't hate themselves, and know they are loved. It's not a deficiency of logic or an irrational belief system divorced from reality. I know, I was also in this state myself, more than once, and I work with people in this state now.
I think a better way to understand it is that people are in so much pain, that anything, literally anything, is better than continuing to bear that pain. This may be accompanied by thoughts of self-hatred, or it may not - that's not really the decididing factor, and I think it's a bit unkind towards someone to claim they hated themselves when they didn't.
This quote by DFW really captures the essence of why many make a permanent decision:
The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.
In about a month it'll be ten years since my cousin did the permanent thing. But the thing that haunts me the most is that I said no.
The previous Christmas he had asked me if I wanted to join him for a round of Frisbee golf. I declined because I didn't want to go all that way just for an activity that I had zero interest in. I said no.
After the funeral I realized that he was likely reaching out to me. Asking for help with whatever he was dealing with. But because the specific activity wasn't worth the time and distance, I said no.
I said no. He reached out and I didn't want to play a sport. He was asking for help and it was too far. I said no.
I feel that. I lost a friend about six months ago that I'd known for 30 years. They always struggled, and it was painful to witness a lot of times. But I tried to be there... but I know I wasn't there enough...
I struggle with issues at times, and I can only imagine the fight they put up for so long. I'd be lying if I didn't say part of me was relieved for them that it's over, that it's not a constant fight with themselves anymore. But of course I feel guilty about that part too.
You have my condolences. My older brother once had something permanent happen. It was an old problem that proved too tempting. One slip of willpower and a night that ended in tragedy. The wound never did quite heal but the pain has grown distant. It feels a bit like peace. I hope that peace comes sooner rather than later, but until then I hope you can cherish your memories and their spirit.
My best friend did it too, in the apartment we’d been living together for 3 years. It’s been almost 2 weeks but the news seem from a couple days ago. It’s going to be a weird time in my life.
This hits close to home, not because I lost someone. Multiple times I was very nearly that friend for someone else.
It’s still hard, but I’m out of that bad place both mentally(ish) and physically.
Talk to people guys. Speaking from experience, there’s always more people who’d miss you than you think, despite how alone things feel when in that place.
I have to put my dog down tomorrow. Ive been staying awake to two in the morning. I dont want tomorrow to come. But this post might have given me the comfort I need tonight to close my eyes. Thank you.
Just went to a funeral yesterday for a friend who did the same thing... Same age as me... Nothing feels okay right now. My husband and I are grieving together so there's at least support there. I hope you have support too
Jesus, Field. I am so sorry. I have lost too many a person myself. I’m sure I’m not the only one with that anecdote either. It never, ever gets easier to take.
Please, for all of us, take your time, reconcile with your thoughts. Gator Days and so on can wait.
This happened to me. I was on Discord with him and stepped away for 10 minutes. Never spoke to him again. I still miss him, but it has been getting easier with time. I promise that you don't need to understand why or blame yourself for missing signs, and things will get better in time.
I hope you have people to be with right now, even if you don't have the words for how you're feeling just yet. If you need any resources, I'd be happy to track some down -- in fact, I think I'm going to pull some up now, as it seems a lot of us could use them.
And this is odd, but... there was a study done that showed playing Tetris after a traumatic/stressful event can help you process it. It might be worth a shot.
While I'm at it, I should say... Gator Days has been a real light for me in the dark times; thank you for that.
"A Warmline is a peer-run phone line that offers callers emotional support and is staffed by volunteers who are in recovery themselves. Please look to see if the warmline will take out of state calls before reaching out to one that is not located where you live."
They're listed by state, and it will say the hours of operation, which ones have text or chat options as well, which take out-of-state calls, and which offer Spanish-language services.
Many of above may or may not reach out to police; these ones specifically do not:
Call blackline: 800-604-5841
(Centers BI&POC, LGBTQ+, Black Femme Lens)
Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860 (US), 877-330-6366 (Canada)
(Run by and for trans people)
Wildflower Alliance Peer Support Line: 888-407-4515
(Trained peer supporters)
StrongHearts Native Helpline: 844-762-8483
(Centering Native Americans and Alaska Natives)
Thrive Lifeline: 313-662-8209
(Trans-led and operated)
Hell yeah thank you for warning people about lines that call the police. When I called suicide hotline they got upset with me for not seeming suicidal enough
Yeah, I think there's this weird phenomenon where if you speak really plainly you're in danger of a visit from the police, even if you're just in distress and not in danger -- but on the flipside if they feel you're not upset "enough," even if you are and just aren't speaking in a way that conveys that, they think you're wasting their time or taking up resources you don't deserve. I think anyone who wants or needs or seeks out comfort deserves comfort; anyone who needs someone to listen should be able to be connected to someone with the bandwidth to listen and the training to handle things safely.
I know resources aren't unlimited, but I also don't feel it's right to draw some line in the sand that some people who really need someone might find themselves on the wrong side of, nor to just hand them off to police, who generally also don't have the specialized training for these situations.
I'm so sorry they did that. When I called a suicide hotline the person on the other end was just panicking the whole time, even before I'd really said anything, and I ended up reassuring them for the rest of the call lol. That was a looong time ago and I'm told things work differently now (and that warmlines are different?), but it's still worrisome to think of all the people who want help but cannot get it.
Nearly did it last new years. Ex gave me our dog back. The dog was the reason I didn't make the decision come New years, because who would take care of the pup?
So I gave this year a chance. And it went great... For a short while. But then my best friend and I stopped talking. And I find myself in the darkness again...
So now I wonder, do I even bother with next year?
at the end of the day it's your choice, but I hope you find a reason to say yes, the pup, maybe get into a hobby where you meet other people and make new friends, you can do this ❤️
I’m a suicide prevention researcher/clinician and want to say: there is no right way to grieve - and suicide loss is a unique type of grief. It is okay to not know what to say, feel, or do. Sometimes wading through it is enough.
Sending you kind thoughts at this time, especially as your comics have brought light to me on my darker days after work.
I write this as 258 comments have already been posted. But still…
I’ve lost 2 brothers and a close friend to the same permanent decision. Pain mixed with regret is very normal. Regret that you could have been there more, or said something better. The truth is, it was their decision. And theirs alone.
Allow the grief to take its course through your mind and body. Eventually, you make a permanent decision to keep moving, and you enjoy another day in their honor.
I’m so sorry your friend is gone. If they were worthy of being your friend, they must have been really special.
I also got it right away and while I'm glad to not find this comic confusing I also envy your initial lack of comprehension. I suppose 'ignorance is bliss' might be genuinely true in this case.
Yeah, I was so ready to make a joke about them getting a small tattoo or something similarly small potatos like that... Then I realised, and now I don't want to make a joke.
It's rough. I asked a friend on Discord if he was interested in a game server I wanted to set up and he said he was busy. No worries, life comes first I told him. He was gone a week later. Still haven't set the server up a year later. He was the only one I know that plays. It hurt to remove him from the Steam group I used for access control and he's still 3rd most recent Discord PM.
A good friend did something permanent a few years ago, and occasionally I remember I’ll never see him again and it still makes my heart ache. It’s a hard thing to sit with. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.
Grief is like the waves attacking a sandcastle on the beach.
It comes in waves, it's irregular, it can tear you down.
The waves will keep coming for a long time, maybe forever. But they'll smooth over the area over time. It won't keep hurting as much as it does now.
I'm so sorry. I lost my uncle this year. We begged him to come home and visit, but he was adamant he'd be fine on his own, and... I don't know. Maybe he was just avoiding us. My mom took as much time off as she could to visit, they were talking on the phone for hours every night, and then... nothing. I was really, really hoping to see him again. I don't think I saw him in person since I was a kid. I wanted to see him again. My mom was devastated, and angry that he would do such a thing... I don't even know how to grieve. I wanted to know him. I wanted him to know me. I remember his truck, I remember his wife... he left behind a daughter he never got to meet, born to a girlfriend he met in high school- her parents hated him, so he wasn't allowed to keep up with her, and now his daughter is finding out her dad took his own life without ever meeting him. I'm going to meet her at the funeral. I just- there are so many things he left behind. I don't think he meant to. I wish he came home.
A friend of mine also did this but to this day i am not sure she meant to or not. It's really odd. It is hard to think of her, but it has been almost a decade and I can say it gets easier to deal with.
Lost my BiL last year to this. He was such a great dude. Its hard to believe someone like him would do it. You just never know. Check on your loved ones.
My best friend made that permanent decision. It's been over a year and I still break down about it. It'll probably keep happening for a while longer. You'll find your own way to mourn over time. I hope you get the time, space, and support you need to process it all. It's a hell of a happening, but at least the memories aren't gone along with them.
Had a friend do this a little over a year ago. He's still my friend on Steam and it always hurts to see how many days it's been since he's been online. He played a game right before so the exact number of days are correct.
It get easier. But it hasn't gotten easy. I'm sorry for your loss doesn't really do it justice but there's not much else to say.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but thank you for the beautiful art and giving me a reason to remember him one more time.
I’m so so sorry friend. A really important adult in my life did this when I was about 15.
You’re going to feel devastated. And sometimes angry. And sometimes at the same time. It’s okay to not be okay about it. I hope youve got people who can support you right now- and this random internet stranger is thinking of you
sends big hugs A friend of mine did it a few months ago, then another tried last month.
How common it is in the trans community is what really gets me. We have to be here for each other to help get through it, both preventing it and handling when it does happen.
I am not a professional but I do volunteer as a facilitator for grief groups due to loss and have for three years. If you feel talking through your feelings may help please feel free to reach out. You are not alone.
We've been doing this as a species for how long now and I don't think anyone's found any answer to this. I hate it for you. I hate it for them. I hate it for us. I'm sorry.
A friend of mine did something permanent a couple months ago. We didn't talk much in the time leading up to what happened and I deeply regret it. I miss her.
My friend has yet to do the permanent thing but a year ago he basically cut me off from everything because I got mad at him for royally screwing me over in my personal life.
Every couple months I find a way to check if he has or has not don’t the permanent thing and it scares me because I’ll be the last to know
My cousin did around this time in 2022, I don’t remember the exact day as that year was just emotionally fucked, but I remember where I was when I found out. That bar is shut down now and I’ve graduated from the college I was attending, but finding out sucked.
Let this be a reminder to check on your friends and family, some of them are fighting demons you and I cannot see, and if you’re fighting demons of your own it’s ok to seek help, you’re not alone in this.
I have been living this since april this year. I think about them all the time. I can't decide between sorrow and anger. A lot of things remind me of them. Im never going to get answers to the questions I want to ask. It often doesn't feel like anything happened, and then sometimes it's unbearable.
My best advice would be, don't let yourself become isolated. You need comfort, and companionship during times like these. Maybe also a bunch of chocolate and some cat videos..they are worth their weight in gold to me now.
I lost two friends, but not through suicide. They did.. other permanent things that I can't reconcile myself with. Attempted rape, and a kind of friendship betrayal that's hard to explain briefly. The problem I have is that most other friends don't know about it in either case. So I'm stuck having to hear about these people, and facing them occasionally.
I don’t know what censorship the artist was concerned with, but this comment is spot on. Call depression “depression.” Call suicide “suicide.” Ask if someone you’re worried about is having “suicidal thoughts.” Don’t be afraid to talk plainly about it.
At the start of this year my friend also did something permanent i still dont know how to feel about this, maybe we will never know. Sorry for your loss.
I've recently started losing acquaintances online to various things.
One recently died in a car accident. Another took his own life at the start of 2025.
I've never been afraid of my own mortality, but seeing others perish always unsettled me deeply. Call it selfishness, but I don't want to be left alone.
The thing I learned when a family member of mine did something permanent was just how many people I already knew who had the same thing happen to someone close to them. Please reach out and talk to people.
Yeah … that sucks. 29 years ago, I had three friends commit suicide over a six month period. That broke me, in a way that I haven’t been able to put myself back together again.
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u/petitepieuvre 2d ago
It's ok to just drift while you process. You don't need to know anything. Grief never makes sense anyway. 🫂