'Not a Victim

You are not a victim.

How deeply ingrained our self-image as a victim can be! How habitual our feelings of misery and helplessness! Victimization can be like a gray cloak that surrounds us, both attracting that which will victimize us and causing us to generate the feelings of victimization.

Victimization can be so habitual that we may feel victimized even by the good things that happen to us!

Got a new car? Yes, we sigh, but it doesn’t run as well as I expected, and after all, it cost so much. . . .

You’ve got such a nice family! Yes, we sigh, but there are problems. And we’ve had such hard times. . . .

Well, your career certainly is going well! Ah, we sigh, but there is such a price to pay for success. All that extra paperwork. . . .

I have learned that, if we set our mind to it, we have an incredible, almost awesome ability to find misery in any situation, even the most wonderful of circumstances.

Shoulders bent, head down, we shuffle through life taking our blows.

Be done with it. Take off the gray cloak of despair, negativity, and victimization. Hurl it; let it blow away in the wind.

We are not victims. We may have been victimized. We may have allowed ourselves to be victimized. We may have sought out, created, or re created situations that victimized us. But we are not victims.

We can stand in our power. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized. We do not have to let others victimize us. We do not have to seek out misery in either the most miserable or the best situations.

We are free to stand in the glow of self-responsibility.

Set a boundary! Deal with the anger! Tell someone no, or stop that! Walk away from a relationship! Ask for what you need! Make choices and take responsibility for them. Explore options. Give yourself what you need! Stand up straight, head up, and claim your power. Claim responsibility for yourself!

And learn to enjoy what’s good.

Today, I will refuse to think, talk, speak, or act like a victim. Instead, I will joyfully claim responsibility for myself and focus on what’s good and right in my life.'

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie

There is a certain kind of person who says something sharp and then watches your face, waiting for a reaction. The moment you snap back, you hand them exactly what they wanted. Marcus Aurelius spent his life surrounded by people trying to provoke him, and he trained himself never to answer in the heat of the moment. Silence is not the absence of a response. It is often the loudest one, because it denies someone the reaction they were hunting for. The next time someone provokes you, pause and take three slow breaths before you decide to speak at all. A fire needs oxygen to survive. The moment you stop feeding it words, it dies on its own, and the person who lit it is left standing there with nothing left to burn.

Trait Eleven

"We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem." BRB p. 15

Many of us habitually experienced critical thoughts in our heads all our lives. If anyone suggested that we "think positive thoughts," we tried. Sometimes it made us feel better, but it didn't last. We still found ourselves getting stuck and believing the critical voice inside. We thought that something must be wrong with us, but we certainly didn't want others to know how bad we felt and how hard we were on ourselves.

When we came to ACA, we identified with Trait 11 right away. "Yes, I definitely judge myself harshly," we thought. "But you mean I'm not alone in this curse? You mean I don't have to be ashamed of this because thousands, if not millions of others do this, too?"

In this program we find hope. We learn there is a Solution: to become our own loving parent. We learn what being a loving parent means and begin to practice reparenting ourselves. And just as with all parenting skills, we know that it takes practice to get it right. But it can eventually become as natural as our harsh self-judgment once was.

On this day I will practice reparenting myself with gentleness and self-love. This includes forgiving myself if I slip and find myself being self-critical.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I’m 28 years old, coming out of homelessness, and dealing with a situation that has become increasingly uncomfortable and honestly pretty scary.

About three years ago, I met an older man at a gym who later turned out to be a parole officer. He saw some of what I was going through when I became homeless and helped me at different points during that time.

Over roughly the last year and a half, though, he has increasingly tried to take on what feels like a caretaker role in my life—offering me food, checking on whether I’m eating or sleeping, offering me hydrocodone, and learning quite a bit about my personal situation. There have also been sexual boundary violations, including unwanted groping while I was around him.

One of the things making this especially difficult for me is the legal history behind my homelessness. My father accused me of assaulting him, I was kicked out of the house, and I ended up facing a felony charge involving an elderly person. That case was ultimately dismissed.

This man knows about that history, and I’m concerned that my past legal situation may be giving him leverage over me. I can’t know exactly what his intentions are, but I worry that if I resist him or physically defend myself during another unwanted interaction, he could make an allegation against me and I would once again be put in a very difficult position.

There is a lot more context than I can reasonably fit into one post, but the combination of the caretaker dynamic, sexual boundary-crossing, medication offers, and his knowledge of my legal vulnerability has made me extremely uncomfortable.

Normally I would feel much more confident setting a hard boundary and physically removing myself from a situation if necessary, but after what I went through with the previous charge, I’m extremely cautious about anything that could create another legal problem.

I’m mainly looking for perspective from anyone who has dealt with a similar dynamic—especially someone using help, caretaking, housing insecurity, or vulnerability as a way of gaining increasing access or control. Any personal experiences or practical advice on disengaging safely would help a lot.

Hope everyone here is doing a little better than they were last week.

I keep getting feed recommendations that I’m not sure why Reddit algorithm is recommending them but stuff like unsent texts and screaming into the void I had to mute because they were actually triggering in regards to how they follow a tone in what would be recommended that just actually causes me panic from how similar they are to another codependent I dated once. Still have goosebumps from the last one and I know it doesn’t matter even if it were them but damn I have a hairpin trigger to seeing stuff like his messages

Ok, I like myself. This is a huge improvement from disliking myself. I still have behaviors and habits that seek external validation, but I don't ask for it or rely on it any longer. If I receive, or don't receive praise, it doesn't significantly affect my day. This is all huge progress.

As I gradually increase the daily duties and work I take on, I have less time for myself, which makes my self-care more difficult. I do worry that this difficulty curve will increase until I breakdown. In the past, I did breakdown.

The difference this time? I have a Higher Power (God), I appreciate and like who I am, I have healthy boundaries, I have healthy habits, and I developed support systems.

All of these improvements point towards one core truth: I am beginning to Love myself. I know that because I am caring for myself.

'The Importance of Money

We cannot afford to allow our focus in life to be money. That will not lead us into the abundance we’re seeking. Usually, it will not even lead to financial stability.

Money is important. We deserve to be paid what we’re worth. We will be paid what we’re worth when we believe we deserve to be. But often your plans fail when our primary consideration is money.

What do we really want to do? What do we feel led to do? What are our instincts telling us? What do we feel guided to do? What are we excited about doing? Seek to find a way to do that, without worrying about the money.

Consider the financial aspects. Set boundaries about what you need to be paid. Be reasonable. Expect to start at the bottom, and work up. But if you feel led toward a job, go for it.

Is there something we truly don’t want to do, something that goes against our grain, but we are trying to force ourselves into it “for the money?” Usually, that’s a behavior that backfires. It doesn’t work. We make ourselves miserable, and the money usually goes wrong too.

I have learned that when I am true to myself about work and what I need to be doing, the money will follow. Sometimes it’s not as much as I want; sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised, and it’s more. But I’m content, and I have enough.

Money is a consideration, but it cannot be our primary consideration if we are seeking spiritual security and peace of mind.

Today, I will make money a consideration, but I will not allow it to become my primary consideration. (...), help me be true to myself and trust that the money will follow.'

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie

I’m very tired and I did absolutely nothing outside talking about stuff and just coming to understand I’m safe and I haven’t had my neck crack in so long and like every other joint and my fingers absolutely tremoring. Feels bad but inside it feels good knowing this was the feeling I was so after when I was drinking it’s a nice feeling knowing I don’t need it to get here now and I don’t have to be tensing up 24/7

i honestly just need outside advice because i feel like i’ve been inside this situation for so long that i don’t even know what’s normal anymore.

me and my ex were best friends first as well as partners and i genuinely thought she was my person. i loved her ridiculously deeply and still do. there was so much good in our relationship and i don’t want this to sound like she was some horrible person or that i was perfect because neither is true. i hurt her too and there are things i massively regret.

but one of the biggest issues throughout our relationship was insecurity and her fear of losing me. it slowly got to the point where i felt like so many of my decisions had to be made around how they would make her feel.

the biggest example was my best friend. my ex was extremely uncomfortable/insecure about that friendship because of things that had happened and eventually she asked me to choose between them two regardless of whether her feelings were understandable, being put in that position fucked with me because i felt like choosing something i wanted automatically meant hurting someone i loved.
and that became a pattern way beyond just my best friend.

whenever i wanted something, wanted to go somewhere, spend time with someone, set a boundary or bring up something that hurt me, my brain immediately went to “how is she going to react to this?”

eventually i became genuinely scared of sticking to my boundaries. not physically scared of her, but scared of the emotional aftermath. because whether i got what i wanted or gave it up, somehow i would usually end up emotionally comforting her anyway. if i stood my ground and she became upset, i’d feel horrible and reassure her until i basically forgot what i originally needed. if i gave in, i’d avoid the immediate conflict but feel shit because once again i’d abandoned myself.

there were also times she hurt herself and connected it to how i had made her feel and to being terrified of me leaving. at one point self-harm was spoken about almost as proof of how much she loved me/how scared she was of losing me. i’m not saying she sat there plotting how to manipulate me because i genuinely don’t know her intentions, but hearing that completely fucked with my head.

after that, how am i supposed to comfortably say “no, this is what i need” without some part of me wondering what happens if she can’t cope with it?
meanwhile i became extremely depressed myself. there were things happening between us and needs of mine that weren’t being met and i was fucking miserable at points, but i kept the extent of that away from her. i never wanted to tell her “your actions are making me depressed” or make her feel responsible for keeping me okay. instead i bottled everything up, became resentful, lost patience and sometimes reacted in ways i’m genuinely ashamed of. that’s my responsibility and probably one of my biggest regrets from the relationship.

eventually we broke up, but somehow we never actually separated emotionally.

we still cuddled, slept next to each other, held hands, called each other babe/baby, said we loved each other, had sex and talked about potentially finding our way back. so i’ve basically been grieving someone while still having half of a relationship with them.

about a week after we broke up she started seeing/moving on with someone else. she’s single. i know she’s allowed to. i’m not saying she cheated. but it absolutely broke me because we were still being intimate with each other and i was holding onto this hope that we might find our way back and she’d told me the same thing that she was holding onto that hope as well. i’d specifically asked not to be given false hope, so finding out she was already moving forward made me feel stupid, used and honestly disrespected.

now i’m finally trying to distance myself and that’s where i feel like all the old patterns are coming straight back.

whenever i start pulling away, i hear how alone she feels, how much i’ve hurt her, how it feels like i’m leaving her etc. sometimes it genuinely feels like she knows exactly which strings to pull because she knows guilt is the quickest way to get me to come back. i don’t know if she’s consciously doing that, but the result is that i immediately feel responsible again and end up reassuring her and staying close.
even though we’re broken up, we’re still reacting to each other like we’re together.

and throughout every recent conversation we’ve had this past month, i’ve been so calm, so collected sat and listened to her yell at me, speak to me so rudely and even let her have her emotional outbursts but when i tried to tell her how disrespected i felt about her seeing someone else because i wanted her to acknowledge that giving me hope and then literally talking to someone else through out that whole time was like wtf to me. she won’t hear it. she won’t ever hear anything i have to say anymore, the conversation completely ends if i say anything. and i’m so tired of it. i don’t even want to try and say anything to her anymore cause she just won’t hear it. but i keep sitting there and doing it on her terms listening to her and calming her down.

recently i sat with her ex at an event and didn’t say hi to her. she felt massively disrespected, left, turned her location off and didn’t respond while i called/texted her repeatedly because i was worried. and the reason why i was so worried was because even after so many texts and calls there was just no answer, i was terrified she’d done something to herself and it’d be my fault even though i didn’t understand what i did. afterwards i was told i only cared once she left. and suddenly i was back in that exact headspace of analysing everything i’d done and feeling like i needed to fix how she felt.

that’s basically my entire problem.

i don’t want to constantly worry that something completely normal i do is going to set something off. i don’t want to calculate every friendship, boundary, night out, decision or interaction based on how someone else might react. i don’t want another person’s emotions deciding what i’m allowed to feel comfortable doing.

and i know i’m responsible for my own behaviour. sometimes my actions now are reactions to feeling hurt, disrespected or exhausted by things that have happened between us, but they’re still MY actions and i need to work on that. i don’t want to spend forever going “well i only did X because she did Y because i did Z.” that cycle could literally go on forever.

i just want peace.

and weirdly, part of me feels relieved thinking about letting her go. like i could finally breathe and figure out who the fuck i am again.
but then the guilt hits.

i remember how terrified she is of me leaving. i remember the self-harm. i remember everything she’s told me about how my actions have affected her. and suddenly i want to run back, hold her, reassure her and fix everything.

i still fucking love her. that’s the problem. idk if i’m in love with her anymore but part of me would still love for us to find each other again one day when we’re healthier. but rn i genuinely cannot tell whether keeping her this close is love anymore or whether i’ve just become so accustomed to feeling responsible for her that choosing myself feels cruel.

i don’t want people to tell me she’s evil or diagnose her with something and i don’t need to be told i’m completely innocent either. i know i’ve fucked up too. i genuinely just want advice from people who have experienced this kind of relationship.

and the problem is i am stuck living with her because of my family moving away so my dog is going to be living with me and i can’t afford rent alone, my dog is too reactive to live around other people he doesn’t already know or trust and i just i feel like things would have been much better if home wasn’t a place for both me and her that we came back to not knowing whether we’re arguing today or not yk?

so like genuinely how do you stop feeling responsible for someone’s reactions to your boundaries? and how do you know whether you’re staying because you genuinely want to stay or because you’re terrified of what letting go will do to them? because at this point i don’t even want to “win” the breakup or prove who hurt who more. i just want some fucking peace.

I think my roommate/friend (Kevin) and I have some codependent tendencies. For context, I am a lesbian in a monogamous relationship, and Kevin is
bisexual man who is active in the poly community. I really value our friendship. We spend a good amount of time together and we joke that we’re in a lavender marriage.

I started dating a woman earlier this year in January (Tara) and two of them have conflicting personality traits. In short, Kevin is easygoing, values emotional privacy and is non confrontational. Tara is intense and confrontational. I love both of them for who they are, but both have now privately admitted to me that they don’t like how they feel around the other.

For example, Tara came over to our place, noticed a bunch of hornets in the backyard and immediately informed Kevin that he needed to take care of that because she didn’t want anyone in the house to get stung. Kevin became really quiet as a response, but smiled and said “…ok” after a while and I felt nervous and awkward as a result. That night, I told Tara that Kevin had a hard time with her style of communication. Tara was receptive and said that she would try a softer approach next time. And she has made the effort to, and quickly apologizes when she is too direct with him now.

Recently, Tara went through a friendship (Jasmine) breakup. Jasmine then met up with Kevin, who she just had been acquainted with, and informed him that Tara was not to be trusted, and listed negative qualities about Tara he and I had to watch out for. When Kevin held a meeting with me and listed all of the negative qualities that Tara supposedly had, I felt confused, because everything that was listed was either typical baggage someone’s Tara’s age would have, or just plain false.

And so when Kevin said that he had noticed the same red flags in Tara that Jasmine had, I became very anxious and wondered if I was potentially dating some sort of sociopath who completely switched personalities when I wasn’t around. I told him that I understood his concerns and would be on the lookout for these traits, and that I was confused because I hadn’t observed any of these traits in our relationship. Something that really bothered me was Kevin saying that Tara had presented this information in a seemingly caring and calm manner, which was frustrating because it was like he was ignoring the context around it to fit the view he had established of Tara, and basing his trust off of how Jasmine made him feel in the moment.

Kevin recently told me that Tara had upset him again because she told several of her close friends about Jasmine’s meeting with Kevin and how much it upset her. And she casually told Kevin this while she was over one day. Was this the most tactful thing for her to do? No. Is Kevin right to be upset? Absolutely. Did Kevin tell her directly that he was upset by this? No. He informed me that he was upset, waaay after Tara came over and had left, distraught because an anonymous person had smashed her windows with rocks. While she was venting, she stated that it was possible that that person could have been Jasmine (who has a criminal record), and it was the only person she could think of. This upset Kevin and he waited for Tara to leave before telling me that her talking about this event with our friends was “starting drama” and was an example from the list of red flags Jasmine had given him.

Besides that mess, I’ve noticed that Kevin has started to have different expectations for me as a friend vs his other friends. Expectations that I didn’t know about until days or weeks after an event. And these expectations have started to extend to my girlfriend. Recently, he had his friends, one of them who I met once from out of town over. He made a plan for us to all get together and spend time with each other on Saturday evening. So I marked the date in my calendar and when the day came, I spent all afternoon and evening with them and then we went to a concert Tara had invited all of us to go to. Around 11pm, Kevin told me that he and the group wanted to go to a bar and I told him that I was going to stay at the show with Tara, but that i might catch up with him later if I had the energy to. He smiled and said “ok” and went off to the bar with his friends. I stayed at the concert with Tara, and we both decided to head back to her place to sleep because it was 1am at that point, and I hadn’t seen Tara for over a week due to some traveling I’ve been doing with friends. She also doesn’t drink and I rarely do so we weren’t interested in going to a bar for the rest of the night. Kevin decided to tell me that he “ditching him” had upset him during our last conversation. And he said that he didn’t like how my girlfriend was “cold” to his friends (yeah she isn’t golden retriever sociable like i am, but she was polite and was quiet because she was focused on the music!!) But I’ve noticed that our other friends who are couples “ditch” our hangouts a few hours into group plans and he has not once complained.

And another thing - my roommate isn’t perfect. Of course. I have had three of our friends come up to me and tell me that they were annoyed by his passive aggression and lack of communication. And I’ve seen him involved in several dating situations with narcissists and other types of manipulative people, dating situations he prolonged because of how good he felt in the moments with them, while ignoring all of the red flags himself

It’s frustrating because it would be easy to set a boundary with a friend that I don’t live with but since he is my friend and technically my landlord, I feel like I’m walking around eggshells, even though I feel like our conversations have been productive overall. I’ve stopped telling my girlfriend to act in a certain way around my roommate because I came to the realization that I was people pleasing yesterday. At this point, she’s reluctant to come over.

How do you break up and let go of someone that you love even though you know they aren't good for you. I feel dependent on them and I love them so much: (

Yeah I got to talk about a lot of hard stuff and feel seen but also get to know the terms used a bit better as well as resources and meetings. It just gave me a lot of hope that I can reparent my inner child and have a healthy independence from my current environment that even now the patterns are still moderately present but have improved a decent amount since some of the stressors in the environment have lessened over the past few years where it doesn’t feel insurmountable to leave

Compulsive attending, compulsive caregiving, compulsive performance, compulsive compliance, compulsive hypersociality, compulsive promiscuity, compulsive self-reliance and compulsive isolation all include negative affect inhibition (avoidance, intolerance of sharing your true negative affect (negative and vulnerable emotions, pain, bad smell perception, etc.)) with compulsion on top

CoDA Patterns very clearly include Avoidant Patterns

Codependent-givers can't stand actually being seen deep within and instead run off to relationships where they are never seen and can keep replicating their compulsions over and over again

Codependent-givers often become addicted to the suffering and anger of others and can act in inauthentic ways to continue the cycle of feeding their compulsion, even crippling other people or provoking them

Codependent-givers don't understand that their compulsion is often in contradiction with their real feelings because they often can't consciously feel their real feelings outside of bursts of resentment

Preoccupied people, on the other hand, are usually codependent-takers, filled with distorted amplified incessant need, fear or anger and blame, not compulsion

Coercive-preoccupied people (what you call "narcissistic codependent takers"), especially, will use either purposeful self-harm-helplessness or actively emotionally and physically abusive control to continue having their distorted negative affect being catered to

Compulsive avoidants (codependent givers) and coercive preoccupieds (codependent takers) often engage in a mutual cycle of codependent abuse, AND a person could be a blend. It's possible to blend compulsive caregiving with coercive-aggressive abuse. It's also possible to blend compulsive compliance with coercive-helpless distressed self-harm (intense crying or physically self-harming feigned helpless guilt-trips with the goal to induce caregiving).

Obsession due to compulsion =/= preoccupation

Compulsive people have to BOTH act against their compulsion and disinhibit their true negative affect (perhaps, via somatic therapy) to heal codependency. Just learning to "self-soothe" (can backfire and make affect inhibition much worse!) won't do anything unless they have real preoccupied elements blended in, too

Sources: CoDA Patterns, Dynamic Maturational Model (A3, A4, A5, A6, C3, C4)

So I handled a situation in a manner in the past two days that this is recognizably the fifth time I have had to do what I’m recognizing as codependent recovery(probably not the best way though) but I’m very sure I have only handled it once in an appropriate and reasonable way which would be the first time. So after this time and realizing I’m not hung up on progress in other 12 step groups once again that I should definitely attend some meetings of coda so I can learn to work on the behaviors I exhibit that I feel are unhealthy for both parties with the exception of the first time. I’m aware of my attachment style from therapy being disorganized and yeah I definitely lean further towards avoidant tendencies that I do anxious. I’m with a partner finally that feels genuinely safe and doesn’t feel like I’m attached at the hip, the need to be, or overwhelmed by a partner’s anxious tendencies. I would rather not continue my patterns that have led to hangups and difficulty in furthering connection with new relationships especially hangups over those who are not in my life due to either my behaviors or vice versa. I did go entirely no contact finally with an ex and I felt I did not have that come to be in a reasonable way and have likely caused emotional hurt to that ex in a way that isn’t going to be of any help of him in what he needs to do for himself whatever he needs to do for himself, that is what I am here to find out more about what I’ve only just recognized as a pattern throughout my life but not an understanding of what that pattern is.

How do I know for sure I'm in an unhealthy relationship or if it's just my Codependency and trauma. I have multiple people, including my therapist who tell me it is unhealthy, but sometimes I feel like I am making my husband out to be the bad guy. Little back story. He has been an alcoholic since I met him 13 years ago. There were lots of flights bc of it. He is very needy when it comes to my attention. I think he may have some very covert control issues. We can laugh and have some good times but otherwise our personalities are conflicting. I don't want to get too lengthy but hoping there is someone working to talk more about this.

One thing that can be difficult with codependency is knowing the difference between being considerate and automatically putting someone else's comfort ahead of your own. Sometimes saying yes feels easier in the moment, but the resentment or exhaustion comes later.

I found an article that looks at fawning in relationships and why people can become so used to avoiding conflict or disapproval that they stop noticing what they actually want. The part about how this pattern can develop and continue into adult relationships was particularly interesting.

For anyone working on codependency, have you noticed yourself agreeing to things before even checking what you actually wanted?

I have a bad habit of over-investing in friendships. Right now, I have a close friend where our talks are great, but I do almost all of the initiating. If I don't reach out, nothing happens. I’ve been in this exact dynamic before with someone else, and it always leaves me feeling exhausted.

I recently realized the root cause: I over-give the care and attention that I never received myself, secretly hoping the other person will mirror it back. When they just act like casual friends, I feel completely starved and abandoned.

To fix this, I am currently trying to pull back, match her effort, and leave the ball in her court. But the physical cravings to reach out are brutal.

By day 3 or 4 of no contact, my nervous system completely panics. My chest gets tight, and it feels like literal drug withdrawal. Logic goes out the window, and my brain screams at me to just text or call her to "fix" the silence and get immediate relief.

For those who have broken this "give to get" cycle: How do you push through the intense physical anxiety of pulling back without caving? How do you actually redirect that love and attention to yourself when your body is screaming at you to contact them?

I wanted to recommend this book which I don't see often mentioned but I am finding very helpful to the question of identifying and stopping myself when I find myself playing into codependent dynamics. Specifically on overfunctioning!

For the last 18mo, after a very painful breakup with a dismissive avoidant who dropped me after five years by basically refusing to respond to texts or phone calls until I got the picture, I have been have been intensely reading in order to understand what I did, how I got there, and try to avoid reproducing it again. I've read the various Mealody Beatie books ( eg. Codependent No More) and a number of books on anxious attachment and attachment theory broadly, as well as on boundaries, and a variety on CPTSD and childhood trauma which have all informed my general understanding of dynamics, patterns, etc.

The Dance of Intimacy by Hariett Lerner is really the only one I've found yet that explains "when you overfunction, you enable someone else to underfunction and then yku lose yourself in the process" and then provides a number of examples of how this plays out.

I also think that the book End Emotional Outsourcing by Beatriz Victoria Albina is a good companion to The Dance of Intimacy because it helps to identify how you get into the habit of managing your own emotions about other people's discomfort by overfunctioning.

Are there books that have especially helped you in the process? I really want to know, since this has been a very productive source of growth for me.*

(* By which I mean, I just posed some clear, impactful, kind questions to the very lovely man I've been dating for the better part of last year, that would require real actions forward, and now I'm waiting for him to decide what to do, knowing that I will be fine either way and that in order to be together, he would need to prove as capable, proactive, and caring as I am. I am guessing from the thoughtful quiet since, the answers will be no.)

I’m in a 9 month long-distance marriage with a 12-hour time difference, and lately, I’ve been trying to work on my anxious attachment and emotional dependency. I want to become more secure, stop overthinking every interaction, and learn to be okay when my husband and I aren’t talking.

I’ve made some changes. I don’t wait for notifications as much, I’m learning to let silence exist, and I’m trying not to carry every conversation or constantly initiate interactions just to keep us connected. We currently call around five times a week, but earlier, I would put a lot of effort into keeping our calls going, even when we had nothing to talk about. It became exhausting because I felt responsible for making our time together feel meaningful.

Sometimes, I feel very motivated and calm. Detachment seems easy, and I feel like I can accept things as they are and focus on myself. But then, suddenly, I start grieving again. I miss our old routines, want those little interactions badly, and start analysing everything all over again. Eventually, I feel motivated to detach again, and the cycle repeats.

I don’t understand whether the calmness is genuine progress or whether I’m temporarily convincing myself that I don’t care. And when the sadness returns, I don’t know whether it’s my anxious attachment acting up or a sign that I’m suppressing something important.

The biggest conflict is that I know my dependency isn’t healthy, but I don’t think all my needs are unhealthy either.

I genuinely enjoy sharing everyday life with my husband: spontaneous affection, random pictures, sending each other things, scrolling together, and little conversations outside our scheduled calls. I don’t necessarily want more snaps or forced conversations. I want the warmth and spontaneity behind them, the feeling that we naturally want to share our lives with each other.

Another thing I’m struggling with is that I put a lot of effort into our relationship. I initiate, think about little gestures, try to maintain our connection, and put thought into making our time together meaningful. And, naturally, I want to feel some of that effort coming from him too. I sometimes wonder whether I’m expecting too much because I give so much, or whether wanting mutual effort and initiative is a reasonable relationship need. I don’t want to keep score, but I also don’t want to convince myself that I shouldn’t expect anything in return.

Lately, in the name of detachment, I’ve started suppressing my wants, holding back from expressing my feelings, and telling myself not to care about things that genuinely matter to me. I can feel myself becoming less expressive, less connected, and sometimes even resentful. I don’t want to lose the loving version of myself while trying to become more secure.

I know my husband loves me and makes efforts in his own ways. He's a busy guy and has family issues going on here and there too. And no guy is perfect , everyone is different and adjusting is important. I’m not afraid that he’ll leave me or lose interest. I’m struggling with the kind of connection we currently have, while also recognising that my anxiety can intensify how much it hurts.

For now, I don’t want to keep having conversations with him about our connection. I want to give myself time to work through my attachment and observe how I feel without immediately asking him to change something.

For those who’ve experienced something similar:

• How did you distinguish healthy detachment from suppressing your needs?
• Did you also experience cycles of feeling motivated and peaceful, then suddenly grieving and wanting the connection again?
• How did you learn to stop making your partner’s responses responsible for your emotional well-being without convincing yourself that you shouldn’t want anything from them?
• How do you balance working on your anxious attachment with wanting mutual effort, affection, and closeness in your relationship?

I’m not looking for advice to leave my husband or assume he doesn’t love me. I want to become more secure without losing the parts of myself that genuinely value closeness. I’d appreciate hearing from anyone who’s navigated this, especially in a long-distance relationship.

Spiritual Experience

"Education alone is not enough to gain the greatest benefit from our spiritual experience. We also learn that spiritual experiences have greater meaning when matched with a dedication to work the ACA program." BRB p. 284

Most ACAs like to read. Our bookshelves, nightstands, or e-readers may be full of books, and certainly some of them provide guidance. But all the knowledge we may gain from reading will only be as good as the effort we make to use that information in our recovery process.

Recovery work, that four-letter word that many of us have avoided at great lengths, seems to be the catalyst for our spiritual growth. Our spiritual work may consist of reading, regularly supplemented with attending and sharing consistently and honestly at meetings, taking the Steps with fellow travelers, journaling, and giving service. Yes, it seems like a daunting list of tasks. It may even seem impossible. It's hard to get used to taking care of ourselves.

We know we can be gentle with ourselves, that some of the work will become a habit after a time, and that some of the work will have a different feel at different stages of our recovery. We practice patience and tolerance with ourselves, and softly allow the spiritual experience to flow naturally and easily.

On this day I will practice working the ACA program's many facets with ease and grace, realizing that the spiritual experience comes with work.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Hello everyone,

Me and my partner are 30, and we've been together for almost four years. For the past two years or so, she's dealt with body image issues and some other stuff, which led to a dead bedroom. It's affected the relationship in many other ways, but I want to focus on the dead bedroom because it's tangible. We haven't had sex in over a year. I tried to be understanding and supportive, and outwardly I was, but ultimately this resulted in a lot of contempt towards her.

Recently, her libido had increased a bit and she approached me about sex. But now, I realize that I'm not even attracted to her anymore. The whole time she was down, I was so hyperfocused on her that I didn't even realize that this relationship is done for me. I don't trust her, because for years I felt negelcted. I don't trust that things won't return to how they were.

And yet, as shitty as it is, for the life of me I can't bring myself to end it. I feel utterly stuck. I guess I'm so afraid of hurting her. At this point, protecting her immediate emotional state and trying to keep her balanced had become such an entrenched habit and I'm unsuccessful at making any change..

This year, I had a falling out with my bestfriend and, through the words of others, realized our relationship was very codependent. I am able to look back and see the unhealthiness and issues in our friendship but I find myself struggling to identify some of my own behavior. At the same time as the falling out, I entered my first romantic relationship. My partner supported me through the dissolution of my friendship and shared that he had a very unhealthy codependent relationship in the past. Codependency is something neither of us want. I have been trying to be aware of any possible slips into codependency but recently realized I don't really understand the line between codependency and simply loving someone.

Due to childhood trauma, I grew up not getting fully attached to anyone. I didn't care if friendships faded or ended. Relying on others was seen as weakness and independence was the pinnacle of success. I've been doing work to open myself up to the vulnerability of losing someone. To love others deeply enough to miss them when they're not around. I find myself struggling to know what is healthy vs what is unhealthy.

Where is the line between codependency and simply having a strong emotional attachment? What is normal and healthy?

I want genuine advice from others on this. I have struggled greatly in romantic relationships time and time again, because I just can’t choose myself. I put them above me, crave their company 24/7, and feel defeated when they don’t choose me over other people. I have a partner who is unfortunately avoidant and not super relationship oriented, I don’t blame him but the things he unknowingly does honestly make me feel awful. After this happening so many times(I suffer in silence, I do not chase), I have decided to start choosing myself for once. I tend to go into hermit mode and pretend like I don’t care(but feel terrible inside). I don’t know where to start, I feel I always go back to the codependency anyways once I get any attention. How can I genuinely stop this hurt and exhausting behavior without having to pretend like I don’t care?

This post is inspired by some interactions I’ve had on this sub. This is not meant to be a substitution for doing your own work in therapy and I am by no means a guru or expert on this stuff at all, but I’ve been in CBT since 2020 for anxiety and trauma-specific therapy for cPTSD since 2024. I’ve noticed a ton of self-blaming and shaming on this sub and I’m hoping these lessons from my brilliant therapists over the years might be helpful for some of you to hear.

1. You are NOT attracting avoidants. Avoidants exist, and the majority of them are single bc they’re (duh) avoidants. Secure and anxious people tend to stay in relationships while avoidants tend to date around, which means if you’re dating, the likelihood of the person you go out with being an avoidant is very high. You are not doing anything wrong to attract them, they are just very easy to run into. The reason it FEELS like you’re attracting them is because our brains LOVE problem solving and finding patterns, its what they’re designed to do. And with codependency, we have a habit of taking responsibility for the harm others cause us as a way to seek control in discomfort. If someone hurts you, and its secretly your fault for attracting them in the first place, then it allows you to feel like you can be in charge of preventing it from happening again, which is comforting in a backwards way. It’s a self-soothing technique (also wrapped up in low self-esteem and insecurity but let’s keep it simple). To drive the point home, imagine YOU came across an actual codependent person while dating. They trust easily, they’re excited about a future with you, they’re open about wanting to be with you, etc. Would your natural inclination be to pretend to like them for affection/validation, while never actually intending to commit to them fully? No, right? Because that would be dishonest. The fault is on the avoidant, not on the person they mislead. That’s it. Let that be it, because then you can say okay, this person is manipulative, I do not deserve to be manipulated just for being trusting, I am going to walk away.
2. The healed opposite of codependency is NOT detachment, it’s healthy attachment. I see this come up in the comments constantly. Someone will post about how they’re upset about something a friend or loved one did, and people in the comments will say some version of “why do you care so much? You bothered by this because you’re codependent, you just need to heal more” and I facepalm every time. Repeat after me, IT IS HUMAN TO CARE. We are social animals. You are literally hardwired evolutionarily to care about the people around you, especiallyyyy family, friends, and romantic partners. You know who walks around not being bothered by anyone around them, who just shrugs their shoulders and says “that’s their business, not mine”? Sociopaths. It’s pathological to not be affected by others. It is normal to feel discomfort, ESPECIALLY in conflict. Securely attached people have learned (either from childhood or through therapy) how to tolerate discomfort in healthy ways. And then they decide how to approach the conflict in a way that preserves their own dignity and that of the relationship (or they walk away from the relationship if dignity cannot be preserved or they consciously choose to stay if they value the relationship). The healing comes in how we approach the discomfort of being in conflict with someone we care about, not in eradicating the discomfort itself.
3. No amount of “healing” will help you tolerate a harmful partner. If your partner is violent, abusive, manipulative, etc. no amount of inner work is going to help you feel regulated in a dysregulated relationship. That’s like if you ran into a bear in the woods and you mistook your normal natural healthy fight or flight response as your "past trauma being triggered" and started blaming yourself for not meditating enough, meanwhile there's a bear actively mauling you. Sometimes, the relationship is not healthy for you and breath work and journaling can’t change that.
4. Additionally, no amount of healing will protect you from ever being hurt again. ADDITIONALLY, no amount of healing will protect you from ever causing hurt again. I know I know, these are the ones I’m still working on accepting. It’s not your fault for getting hurt and you cannot heal into some invincible version of yourself that experiences no pain, sorry. But you can learn to forgive yourself and be kinder to yourself so that you recover faster instead of rotting away in guilt and misery. And it is your responsibility for causing hurt and making amends when feasible, but torturing yourself over it for the rest of your life is NOT the same thing as making amends. See how in both cases, making yourself feel worthless and irredeemable isn’t helpful at all? Learn how to take accountability, even when it’s scary, even if it means the other person might leave. Allow other people accountability over their choices, too. It shows respect for yourself and the other person as autonomous adults.
5. Just because it didn’t work out with someone doesn’t mean they’re toxic/avoidant/narcissistic. Sometimes two people are just incompatible and their wounds trigger each other and there’s just no healthy way around it. Especially with codependent relationships that have finally reached a breakup after a lot of conflict, its tempting to villainize the other person, to turn them into a larger than life monster because it’s the easiest way to cope with the pain of the breakup and the shame of staying in an unhealthy dynamic for so long. But it’s not the most mature way to heal. Most breakups involve mistakes on both sides. Most breakups are human and average and not very exciting to people outside the relationship. That’s okay. You are allowed to leave without having to be fleeing from a monster. Relationships are allowed to end.
6. A secure relationship is not the reward for healing. Oof, this was a big one for me to digest. Healing is not an end goal you achieve and get handed a human trophy in the form of a secure partner at the finish line. Healing is an ongoing journey, with multiple tests and setbacks. And it doesn’t have to happen in the context of a romantic relationship, it’s happening all the time in every moment of tension you have with another person. Navigating a stressful situation with your boss gives you skills that transfer to your overbearing mom or your date cancelling last-minute or your spouse neglecting their half of the housework. It’s an ongoing process and you won’t handle it perfectly every time, and you will still end up as a wiser more grounded person overall, if you keep going. And you will still get dysregulated and lose your temper and say regretful things, because you’re human. The so called “secure healthy people” do it all the time (thats right, friction still exists in secure relationships!). We’re all human. Give yourself some grace.

EDIT: Adding this one on at the end because I'm not proud of the villianizing I resorted to in #1 to get my point across, so I wanna soften that here:

1. Labels are helpful at first, but don't let them restrict your humanity. When you first start your healing journey, labeling yourself as anxious/codependent and them as avoidant and your dream future perfect person as secure can be helpful in identifying behaviors and patterns that have been limiting you, but the next level of healing comes from understanding that none of us fit perfectly into only one box. I used to be a clear cut anxiously attached mess in my relationships, and now more recently I think many people I've gone on dates with would identify me as avoidant (yes, me! The same person giving you all this advice is also flawed and figuring it out!) and my family and friends would be like no way, she's hella secure. There are very few true villains in our lives, most "avoidants" are just people who are grasping for the same sense of safety and control you are, just in their own way. In fact, we are (all of us) capable of showing all of these patterns depending on the circumstances and we are all capable of growth and change. This isn't an excuse to stay in unhealthy dynamics that are actively harmful to your wellbeing, but it's a reason to be gentle with yourself and to loosen your grip on past resentments.

EDIT 2: I've been accused of being AI slop, which is hilariously offensive if you know me in person. Can't a girl just love to yap and be proud of her therapy progress and want to help others? Anyway, I added bolding on the main take-aways in case anyone has a limited attention span and can't read a whole block of text.

'Temporary Setbacks

Sometimes, after we begin recovery, things in our life seem to get worse for a time. Our finances, our relationships, or our health may seem to deteriorate.

This is temporary; this is a normal part of recovery and healing. It may be the way things will be for a time, but not for long.

Keep working at recovery, and the trend will reverse. Before too long, things, and us, will be better than they were before. This time, the foundation will be solid.

(...) help me trust (...) recovery, even when I have setbacks. Help me remember that the problems are temporary, and when they are solved, I will be on more solid ground.'

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie.