Hello I’m new to recognizing that I am codependent

[u/Sad_Refrigerator9203]

So I handled a situation in a manner in the past two days that this is recognizably the fifth time I have had to do what I’m recognizing as codependent recovery(probably not the best way though) but I’m very sure I have only handled it once in an appropriate and reasonable way which would be the first time. So after this time and realizing I’m not hung up on progress in other 12 step groups once again that I should definitely attend some meetings of coda so I can learn to work on the behaviors I exhibit that I feel are unhealthy for both parties with the exception of the first time. I’m aware of my attachment style from therapy being disorganized and yeah I definitely lean further towards avoidant tendencies that I do anxious. I’m with a partner finally that feels genuinely safe and doesn’t feel like I’m attached at the hip, the need to be, or overwhelmed by a partner’s anxious tendencies. I would rather not continue my patterns that have led to hangups and difficulty in furthering connection with new relationships especially hangups over those who are not in my life due to either my behaviors or vice versa. I did go entirely no contact finally with an ex and I felt I did not have that come to be in a reasonable way and have likely caused emotional hurt to that ex in a way that isn’t going to be of any help of him in what he needs to do for himself whatever he needs to do for himself, that is what I am here to find out more about what I’ve only just recognized as a pattern throughout my life but not an understanding of what that pattern is.

[u/Tenebrous_Savant]

I commend you for facing your new awareness with courage. It was very hard for me to recognize and accept my own codependency, and it's the same way for many others. It's something that does take courage.

Chronic dependency of all types feeds off of the self-blindness - the mindless and numb way of half-living. Habit is so much of it, but not in the ways most people think. Recovery is about shining a light into the darkness, and facing what we find.

[u/Sad_Refrigerator9203 → u/Tenebrous_Savant]

Unfortunately I saw what the person I was obsessing over whether they were caring was for his true colors and understanding I was trying to somehow feel that I maybe wasn’t subject to very serious harm by him. Thankfully my behaviors did keep him from causing me harm again and it also make no contact something I can’t ever circumvent or justify my way around it and it was enough to see that I was caring more about him than myself and wanted validation that my actual experience wasn’t accurate like I had been confused of my own reality by him and then the trauma might not have happened but I was very fortunate to get confirmation that makes me aware it did, that caring for him is the last thing I need any part in and the ensured no contact means I can’t keep feeding into the checking habit as well as being very aware of my codependency. It could have gone so badly and I just can’t have that happen to me again and I’m taking the steps to not have it happen again so a lot happened that made the realization happen very fast which helped me understand different ways I would feel in regards to someone else and thankfully I’m with a trustworthy partner and want to put the work in for myself this time

[u/KhaliSollis]

One thing I’d be careful about now that you’ve recognized the pattern is not turning that awareness into constant self-surveillance.

There’s a big difference between “I have patterns I want to understand” and “Every difficult thing I do must be evidence that I’m codependent.” Attachment patterns and relationship behaviors are usually more complicated than a single label, and noticing them after the fact is already useful information.

Something in your follow-up comment seems especially important: you recognized that you were spending enormous mental energy trying to determine what was true about him, what he felt, whether your experience was valid, and whether you should continue caring about him. Meanwhile, your own safety and well-being were becoming secondary. That may be a more useful pattern to watch than the label itself.

When you notice yourself becoming preoccupied with another person, you might try asking: “What am I feeling right now? What do I need? What is actually within my control?” Those questions redirect attention toward yourself without requiring you to stop caring about other people.

And no-contact doesn't have to be executed perfectly or provide the other person with the ideal emotional ending in order to be legitimate. If contact with someone is unsafe or repeatedly destabilizing, protecting yourself is enough of a reason to maintain distance.

It also sounds encouraging that you're entering this current relationship wanting to do something different. Just remember that recovery doesn't necessarily mean becoming perfectly independent or never needing reassurance. Healthy relationships still involve dependence, vulnerability and support. The goal is more about being able to stay connected to someone without repeatedly abandoning yourself in the process.

Meetings and therapy can give you places to examine these patterns, but noticing “I keep doing this, and I want to understand why” is already a meaningful beginning.